Alternate Anon Adventures 4 - Pain In The Backside

>Another monotonus day in P0nyville.
>You're in the library reading up on minotaur culture. Not much to say about them. They all seem to be entertainers of different sorts. An entry on one particular individual called Diamond Discipline caught your eye. He seemed to be Equestria's equivalent of a WWE wrestler.
>New goal in life: watch a minotaur wrestling match.
>"Anon!" You hear a certain purple unicorn yell.
>Damn it all, why can't Twilight leave you to your own devices for more than five minutes?
>You put Stoney Hauler's catalogue on Minotaur Celebrities back in its relevant spot and march in the direction of the voice.
>Opening the door to the bedroom, you find Twilight pacing around the room, looking flustered.
"What's the problem this time?" You begin, "I told you before, I didn't eat your daises."
>"It's not that Anon, it's..." She hesitates, "I need your help with something."
"Any reason why Spike can't do it?"
>"Yes, as a matter of fact." She coughs and mutters to herself.
"What was that?" You ask. You think you heard her say something about your hands being useful.
>"Nothing. Just... Anon. Can you feel my flank for me?"
>Mind rebooting in 3... 2... 1...
"Sorry what?"

>Twilight spins around, thrusting her rear end towards you.
>"Please, if you could just... rub around?" She asks impatiently, not looking you in the eyes.
>You don't think you could formulate a sentence adopting a contrarian point of action at this point. The tone she's talking to you in make it clear any opposing actions could result in a hoof to the balls.
"Where do you want me to begin?"
>You might as well get this over and done with as soon as possible. Questioning it will just make it last longer.
>"Left side." Twilight answers, "Above and right of my cutie mark."
>Resisting the temptation to lay down a slap, you place your hand on her upper leg where she told you to start from.
"What am I supposed to be feeling for in particular?"
>She shrugs, "Anything out of the ordinary. Just say so when you find something."
>You sigh and shrug. Guess there's always a first time for everything.
>You begin moving your palm in circular motions. You never noticed before but Twilight's coat is very soft, almost like velvet. Whether or not this quality is entirely due to haircare products is a line of enquiry for another day. Right now, there's a p0ny's ass that needs rubbing.
>"Use both of your hands Anon." The p0ny suggests.
>Rolling your eyes, you employ your other appendage in the search for the lost treasure of Phantasmorgoria.

>It's been nearly three minutes since you began poking and prodding the unicorn's backside and you haven't located any irregularity on Twilight's rump that had her so concerned earlier.
>If this was happening back on Earth, you'd think this was some malicious ploy to get you to rub your hands over her.
>Good thing you know Twilight a little better than that.
>...
>You hope.
>"Ah!"
>You stop at the p0ny's wince of pain.
"I guess I found what I was supposed to."
>Twilight bites her lower lip and nods at you.
>"I knew there was something there. It was stopping me from concentrating on my studies."
>Ah yes, the fabled studies. If they were not undertaken, the world would end from a lack of her acquirement of knowledge.
>"Can you take a closer look?"
>Hands on a p0ny's ass and now you're about to stick your face right up to one.
"You're going to owe me for this." You vocalise, annoyed at your predicament.
>"Fine, I'll buy you dinner sometime. Just... tell me what you see."
>You gently pull apart her fine hair, revealing her pale skin. Wondering if all p0nies are this colour underneath, you attempt to locate the source of Twilight's discomfort.
>Not here.
>You brush away a tuft of fur.
>Standing erect and proud is the largest boil you've ever seen, ripe for bursting.
>Yeah, you can understand her displeasure now.
>"Well? What is it?" The unicorn easks earnestly.
"What happens when you eat greasy food regularly and only shower once a week." You reply jokingly.
>A swift kick to the shins is her appreciation of your humour.

>Once the sting subsides, you get back on your knees and resume your investigating.
>"So what is it?" Twilight queries again, still none too pleased at your quip.
"A spot... No, wait. Too big to be a spot. It's a cyst or a boil. Either way, it's full of puss and under pressure."
>The unicorn groans in annoyance at your news.
"What do you want to do? Go see a doctor about it?"
>She huffs at your suggestion.
>"Did you forget who you're talking to? Besides, I can't afford any doctor's bills right now. We're going to have to do this ourselves."
"And by we, you mean me right?" You retort.
>"Of course."
"Thought so. Lead the way missy. I'm sure you've already got the medical textbook in mind for this procedure."
>"As always."
>The unicorn leads you back to the library and immediately begins scouring all of her bookshelves.
>It doesn't take her too long to get worried, before becoming more and more frustrated as time goes by.
"What's the matter?"
>"I can't find it. ' The Almanac Of Do-It-Yourself P0ny Healthcare' by Clean Hooves. It should be right here between Gentle Skips 'Bring A Doctor At Home Is Easy' and Jolly Fencer's 'Medicene for Jelly Brains.' Urgh! Where did it go?"
"This is a library Twilight. Couldn't someone have checked it out?"
>She cocks an eyebrow at you.
"Yeah yeah, no-one ever comes in here. Got it."
>The unicorn sighs, "What are we going to do."
>All of a sudden, a lightbulb turns on inside your head.
>Twilight notices it too.

>"What are you thinking?" The p0ny asks cautiously.
"Just remembered something. I knew watching those videos would pay off someday."
>"Videos? What are you talking about?"
>Ignoring her, you stand up and begin looking around the room for suitable tools.
>"Now what are you doing?"
>Turning up empty, what does it look like you're doing?
"Don't you have a pair of pliers anywhere?" You ask.
>She can't help but laugh at your suggestion,"Why would I have pliers? Besides, what do you need them for? It's just a zit, not a broken tooth."
"Sterilising." You reply casually, "I know. Hold on for a few minutes."
>You get your shoes on.
>"Where are you going? We... You need to help me with this right now."
"That's what I'm trying to do. Be back soon."
>Since Twilight doesn't have what you need, you'll go to the two p0nies you know who'll have what you need.
>It doesn't take too long for you to reach Sweet Apple Acres. You exchange greetings with Big Mac, who's busy picking the lasting yield of fruit from the orchard's vast number of trees, as you walk towards the barn.
>Sitting by the entrance of the red building is Applejack, clearly having a break otherwise she'd be alongside her brother gathering apples.
>"Howdy there Anon!" She says in that Southern drawl of hers that never gets tiring.
"Morning Applejack."
>"What brings ya out ter our little slice ah Paradise today?"
You laugh nervously, "Well, it's like this..."

>Five minutes later, you leave the farm with a pair of pliers in your pocket.
>You really hope that Applejack can live up to her title as Element of Honesty and not spread the reason why you needed said tool around P0nyville like she promised.
>Your next destination comes into view: Carousel Boutique. Hopefully, you'll get the remainder of the items you need here.
>As you open the front door, you're greeted by the sound of jingling bells announcing your presence.
>"Coming!" You hear Rarity call out from one of the back rooms.
>A minute later, the white unicorn comes stumbling out, mane ruffled and tape measure wrapped around her neck.
>"Oh! Hello Anon, a pleasure as always."
"Nice to see you too Rarity. How's things?"
>"Busy busy busy, when am I not?" She responds with a weak chuckle, "Not often that you venture inside my establishment. What can I do for you today?"
"I need you to make something for me right now. Don't worry, it won't be like last time with the socks. I can pay."
>You pull out a couple of bits and throw them
>"I'm sorry but I'm afraid I'm simply backed up with orders."
>Guess she wasn't making a joke at her own expense just now.
"But it's urgent."
>"There's nothing I can do, sorry Anon."
>Let's see if you're persuation skills are still up to scratch.
"What if I pay you double? Think of it as a 'jumping the queue' fee."
>You see the gears turn in Rarity's head.
>"Double you say? What is it exactly you want?"
>Persuation feat successful.
"A pair of gloves. You know what those are?"
>She nods, "Of course, why wouldn't I? What do you need them for?"
"It's a long story..."

>Half an hour later, you emerge from Rarity's establishment into the afternoon sun. Wrapped up in a paper bag are a pair of green cotton gloves you've just spent fourteen Bits on.
>Considering you're going to throw them away afterwards, fourteen Bits might have been a bit overpriced, though you're assuming a fraction of the cost might be some sort of penality Rarity imposed on you when you mentioned they would only be used once, then thrown away.
>In hindsight, it would have been smarter not to have told her the truth about why you needed them in the first place.
>Luckily, she threw in the needle you wanted free of charge. Knowing what it was going to be used for, she said you could hold onto it.
>You're not sure you want to though.
>Coming back to the library, you find Twilight lying on her side on the floor. Spike is standing next to her, holding a chunk of ice on top the afflicted area on her flank.
>Even though your view is obscured by the frozen water, you swear that lump has grown since you've been away.
>You're really not looking forward to what's about to happen. No point in putting it off, better now than never.
"Hey Twilight, get yourself in the bathroom. We'll get this sorted out in no time."
>Without a word, the unicorn trots up the stairs and goes through the door to the bedroom.
"Can you find me a candle Spike?"
>"Sure can Anon." The dragon responds.
>He scampers off and brings one back for you.
"Thanks buddy."
>You ascend towards your destiny.

>Entering the bathroom, you find Twilight examining her posterior in the mirror, looking distraught at what she's seeing.
>Damn, you weren't imagining things. Even with Twilight's fur, you can see her boil has swelled up to the size of a tangerine.
>Yeah, this is going to get messy.
"Don't worry, this'll all be over soon. Hop in the bathtub."
>She does as you ask. You, meanwhile, put the candle on the counter next to the sink. You flick the wick with a finger and it ignites.
>That's some coolio stuff right there. One more thing to take back home with you if you ever manage to find a way.
>Using the pliers you loaned from Applejack, you grip the needle between the teeth and hold it over the flame.
>"What are you doing?" Twilight asks.
"Sterilising this as best as I can. Some pure ethanol would be better but seeing as you don't have any alcohol, I'm doing what I can. The last thing you want is to get an infection."
>You hear her gulp nervously.
>You turn and look at her. She staring agitatedly at the needle in the flame.
>Well this is an interesting development.
"Are you afraid of needles?"
>Your words jolt her out of her trance.
>"What? No! Of course not! That's just..."
>She sighs.
"Silly?" You finish for her.
>She nods.
"Don't worry about it. Everyone's got a fear they'd rather not deal with. But if I don't lance that lump on your backend though, you're going to have something worse to worry about eventually."

>You give the needle a minute in the flame on each side just to be sure you've killed off any residing germs.
"That's should do it."
>You turn on the sink's faucet and hold the needle under the tap to cool it down, hissing as it does.
"Okay, here we go."
>You approach the p0ny in the bathtub who's already positioned herself for easy access.
>Now how do you do this?
>Obviously, you stab at the lump with the needle, but how exactly? Do you prick it with the needle still held with the pliers or do you use your hands?
Brain, what do you think?
>Hands would be easier.
Just what I was thinking.
>You might want to wash them though.
That... is a very good idea.
>Want another one?
Sure.
>Take your clothes off.
...Why?
>You saw the size of that thing on Twilight. The moment you pop it, there'll be no stopping the torrent.
Good point.
"Hey Twilight, can you hold this for a second? I need to wash my hands before I start."
>Her horn lights up and the pliers + needle levitate away from you.
"Thanks. One more thing... I need to strip."
>This causes her to look up at you.
>"Why?"
"Do I have to spell it out for you? Popping a massive spot? That's under pressure? Me not having a lot of clothes and not being able to afford more?"
>"Do what you have to do. Just do it quick."
>You take off everything until you're down to your boxers. The last thing you want is Twilight to associate boil bursting with your junk.
>As soon as you're done washing your hands, you position yourself over Twilight.
>Time to return the Master Sword to the Pedestal of Time.

"Whoops."
>"What is it?"
"Nearly forgot my gloves."
>The doctor is in.
>You squat back over Twilight.
>With a swift motion, you stab the needle into the boil.
>Time freezes for a second.
>At first, the puss only dribbles out.
>Then it becomes a stream.
>Lumps intermingle with the fluid, giving the emerging mess the appearance of cottage cheese.
>You never liked cottage cheese.
>It's a bloody mess.
>Literally.
>After a minute, the boil stops oozing, yet it hasn't deflated at all.
>Time to get hands on.
"I'm going to give it a squeeze, okay?"
>Twilight mumbles something, clearly trying not to scream at you poking her with a sharp metal implement.
>With your left hand, you grip the boil between your index finger and thumb.
>Twilight gasps but otherwise isn't too distressed.
>You squeeze.
>She yelps in pain.
>Not much comes out.
"Another squeeze coming, try not to squirm so much."
>She whimpers an acknowledgement and stops moving.
>Putting some more power into it, you really push down on the boil.
>At that moment, the skin breaks, allowing the solid mass to fly free.
>In slow motion, you see the lump fly towards your face but you're too shocked to even move.
>The wet thud of blood and puss hitting your partially-open mouth brings you back to reality.
OH GOD IT TASTES SO BAD!

>You stumble over to the toilet and heave your guts up, barely managing not to get your breakfast all over the bathroom floor.
>No matter, the bitter taste of bile is not enough to cover up Twilight's ballistic boil remnants.
>You rush over to the sink and hold your mouth under the tap, slurping up mouthfulls of cold water.
>Gargling and spitting removes most of the foreign matter that managed to find its way into your gaping maw.
>Unfortunately, you think you might have swallowed some of it.
>This only makes you want to throw up more. An empty stomach is the only thing preventing that from happening.
>"Oh Anon, that feels SO much better!"
>You glance wearily over at the unicorn. The lump has disappeared. Mission Accomplished.
"Glad to hear it." You wheeze, "That needs cleaning up." You say, pointing at the still-bleeding wound on her flank.
>She chuckles, "I think you need cleaning up more than I do."
>You look at yourself in the mirror. There's blood, puss and vomit all over your face, as well as the rest of you.
>Considering what you got up to back home, this is average after a night on the town.
>Though you'd rather have a hangover and amnesia than perfect clarity of what transpired.
"Get out of the shower then. This is going to take ages to scrub off."
>Twilight jumps out, allowing you access.
>Turning the shower on, you wash most of the debris off.
"I'm expecting some premium food from you, you know that." You remind Twilight about your deal the two of you made earlier.
>She hums.
>Yeah, you deserve a 20'' vegetable curry pizza after today.