Because I can't stop thinking about him and wondering why he did it. I have a theory about why ed pi_k_r ki_led himself even with the allegations being what they were. Which he kind of alluded to in a way with the whole "no longer part of the tribe" line. That thinking is corrosive and self perpetuating. a preexisting feeling that grows.
There's a point of no return when it comes to acknowledging one's own wrong doing and then being confronted with the reality that the persons you've wronged and the wider group making up the conversation around their pain means that you're no longer the person that you see yourself as or even the person that you were before things went wrong by your hand.  Ed wasn't some 90 year old guy who has never glanced over a message board for more than 5 minutes, he knew what the internet does in situations like that.
and we all know, you can't blame the internet for being the internet.  What is said about you behind closed doors is still being said, you can't defend yourself. Where most might not think twice about it, maybe Ed agonized over that aspect, over and over. I wish I knew, because it's been burning a hole in my brain ever since april first. I thought I understood Ed, could see my way from any thought to an approximation of what Ed might also say, but that might have been foolish. as well all already know, what a person is like in a performance is never who they are in real life. Ed was literally ten years older than me and we shared a birthday week. I'm smart enough to know that I should avoid the kinds of mistakes Ed made (socially, and in terms of how one presents themselves - not his actual sexual infraction, I know better than to do that) but I think I'm not smart enough to know that I can't repair every single slight I've incurred over the course of my life. I feel hard pressed to start now, just be good NOW. In ten years none of the stuff before then will matter. but I can't shake the idea of being told that I'm only concerned because he ki_led himself, or because I want to avoid ki_ling myself. the implication being that I don't care about other people, only the harm that I think they could do to me, minor or major. and it's like, am I just thinking that to myself, or is that a legitimate concern? Is there no way out? Did Ed have this same conundrum? I don't think I can talk to anyone about this either, there's no reason for me to burden my friends with these thoughts. common knowledge might say that therapy is an option, but I used to go to therapy, and it didn't really work. I think I became worse, or I just fixed a different problem without addressing these other glaring awful character flaws. I'm rapidly running out of distractions that are some complicated that my mind goes elsewhere. volunteer opportunities are infrequent. I can't burden friends with my existence every waking moment.
I feel as though it's just a matter of time before I do something I can't take back and then all of the other smaller stuff just piles on.
or I'm just tired, it's really hard to tell because my waking thoughts are the same as my less than conscious thoughts.