Full Circle (Iwanako)

The heavy breeze bites into my skin and freezes the tips of my fingers into icicles. I breathe into my cupped hands and rub them together furiously to prevent them from numbing in the cold. It doesn't help much; I forgot my gloves today and my hands feel miserable, so I bury them under my arms to try and salvage some warmth. I wrap my long coat around me and I clutch my bag looped around my shoulder filled with university books and notes, as if my life depended on it.

In a way, it sort of does, my pills are in there.

The train platform has a mob of people who, like me, are either stupid enough, poor enough or brave enough to stand outside on this miserable day. The wind screeches and the big, fat flakes of snow rush past, blinding me every so often in a world of bleached white.

Where the hell is that train?

I groan in agony. All I want is to get home to my crappy, little apartment, curl up in my warm bed with Lilly and go to sleep before I have to get up in the morning for work.
University has been hell since Lilly and I moved out of my parent's house. Sometimes I wonder if it was the right decision, but we needed to get out of there as soon as possible. Dad was fine, he was really happy to have me and Lilly around, but Mom never gave us a moments peace or privacy. As far as she was concerned, I was still her little boy and Lilly was some wily woman trying to lead me astray down a path of corruption. They got along well, but Mom is still in the thick of denial about my relationship with Lilly. For God's sake, I once overheard her refer to Lilly over the phone as 'my son's friend'!

I sigh and breathe and the intake of liquid air burns down my throat. Still, I think, I'm grateful to them. Between the money they saved up for my education, the investments they made and the student grants I got from Yamaku, I'm pretty set for my tuition fees. I just have to keep up with day to day costs; groceries, rent, anything that comes out of pocket, insurance for my medication, I note sourly. Still, it seems to be never enough at the end of the month and I've had to dip into my university fund to cover the difference.

I shouldn't complain. Things haven't been as bad as all that. Lilly and I work as much as we can between classes at the coffee-slash-tea shop on the first floor of our apartment building. The owner owns the whole building and he and I get along well and his wife adores Lilly, so that makes things easier when negotiating hours. Lilly has also been tutoring their kids in English for extra money and leniency on rent and they've been really considerate with her condition, making leeway for her on what work she has to do. She may not be able to do everything, but Mr. Arata says no one makes a cup of tea like Lilly does and she's very popular with the regulars. Her classes and grades are ahead of mine, but I think that's because I have to work more than she does.

Her Father pays for everything, including her classes.

I stomp my foot, breaking snow from my boots. I'm not jealous. Things are tight, but Lilly knows better than to suggest we ask Hiroyuki for help. We've even had a couple fights over it and they've made both of us feel miserable. I keep telling her I don't need his money and I'm not about to owe him anything. I've got too much pride to accept help from that man. Lilly getting help is fine, so long as Satou knows I'm not touching one yen from him.

I'll pay my own damn way.

I groan under another blast of wind.
Where is that train?
Please, God, just let this day be over.

Classes suck, my professors suck, commuting sucks and the weather really sucks.

I wish I had a car. I think about the idea of a lovely heater and it makes me feel a little warmer; that or hypothermia is setting in.

Between work and classes, Lilly and I only have a little time together which we cling to whenever we can steal a few hours alone. I've had even less time to keep up with everyone else. We talk to Hanako over the phone at last once a week and she seems to be doing well. She's studying child psychology and is either going to become a social worker or counselor. Enviously, I think, between government help, Yamaku's grants and her family's insurance settlement, she doesn't even need a job! Emi is on a sports scholarship and on a mad bender between a burgeoning running career and studying rehabilitation and says she's on a one way ticket to the Olympics. I haven't heard anything from Rin who seems to have fallen off the face of the planet, though last Emi told me, she's going to art school and doing well for herself, even sold a few paintings and seems to be making a name in certain circles from what I've heard.

Misha is in America, though I haven't heard from her in a long time. One phone call is all I got and from the sounds of it, she's been living it up in the American college life. Shizune is already well on her way to establishing her second charitable foundation from the ground up and from what Hideaki said last time Lilly and I visited, she may even be moving in on her Father's 'business' soon.

I sigh, my breath creating a plume of smoke in front of me, like a cone of steam from some old train's smoke stack.

(Oh, no, my thoughts are starting to repeat themselves. I'm frozen so thoroughly, I'm going to get stuck in a mental loop.)

I'm happy for my friends and their success, but sometimes I feel like I'm just sitting in neutral, accomplishing nothing. My studies are going well, I have good grades but what is it going to matter once I graduate if I can't find a job? They all seem to be set on their way, studying or starting their careers while I'm getting ready to launch without any destination in mind.

I want the best for Lilly and me, especially for her, but there's so much uncertainty, it seems to lessen everything that I do, sapping the excitement out of it. My friends and their accomplishments seem to dwarf my own and make me doubt myself. Sometimes I think I should have taken some other route, made some other choices along the way. Maybe I'd be in a better place than I am right now, better off.

There's a screech of metal on tracks over the wind and the oft thought of train finally decides to arrive at the station. Instantly a swarm of people move as one, a giant mass lurching towards the doors, crowding in and pushing to fill every available spot inside. I hang back, waiting for everyone to settle in before I make my own way into the car. I don't like getting stuck near the doors, but I'm not about to dive into that mob and jockey for position. When I started riding the train I got jostled around pretty good and got smacked in the chest by some salary man who didn't watch where he was going. Gave me a pretty good scare when my heart started acting up and since then I've let the people calm down before I make my move.

The car is nearly packed, but I see a nice little open spot just for me right next to a heater vent and all that body warmth will be a fine change from this snowy purgatory.
Final level of Dante's Hell be damned, I'm on my way home!
I heft my bag and walk towards the door.

“Hi...Hisao?”

A hesitating, barely audible question.
However, I recognize the owner of that dainty voice immediately.
I feel my heart skip a beat.

It's a voice I haven't heard in years, one I used to catch on the edge of listening and eavesdropping on other people's conversations.

The wind dies down and the snowflakes fall slowly around me. The train car gapes wide open in front of me, waiting for me to step through, but I'm locked in place, my feet as still as if they were frozen to the platform floor.

“Hisao? That is you, isn't it?”

I turn around slowly, my heart pounding in my chest. A few feet away, separated only by a thin sheet of falling snow, a girl with dark hair and darker eyes stares at me, mouth open in surprise and astonishment. I can't help but imagine the look mirrored on my own face, a stupid, slack jawed expression plastered over my features in response. She's wearing a thick coat with a high collar and a cute little cap on top of her head, a  light dusting of snow on top like sugar on the top of a cupcake. “Iwanako?”

We stare at each other, neither of us moving for what seems like an eternity. I'm jarred awake by the sound of the doors behind me whooshing close and the train pulling away. I stare and watch helplessly as my trip home runs down the track without me. I want to be angry, but I'm too shocked to have any clear emotion right now.

I turn back to her and blink, rubbing my eyes to make sure what I'm seeing is real, the cold and damp on my hands stinging my eyelids.

When I look back again, she's still standing there, her surprise replaced by a hopeful little smile that tightens my heart.

She stammers a little before saying something, her little hand curling in a tiny wave. “H-Hi.”

She looks so out of place here on the platform, too delicate to be out in the cold and snow like we were all those years ago. I don't think she's even grown an inch since since then, she's so tiny.

“Hey,” I tell her.

Good one, Hisao. After all these years, you still can't deliver a good line.

Iwanako looks at me and smiles, then follows the train as it passes out of sight, her hopeful grin vanishing. “Was that your train? Hisao, I'm so sorry! I made you miss your ride!“

I blink. “It's fine. It's okay, I can catch the next one.” A dragging silence. “What are you doing here?”

Iwanako shrugs, pulling her jacket tighter around her shoulders. “I was doing some work nearby. I thought I'd save some money, I usually take a taxi.“
“Oh.”

Another long, awkward silence.

I always wondered what I would do if I ran into Iwanako again after what happened between us, but I never put it down into stone what my reaction should be. I long ago got over the misplaced anger and bitterness I had directed towards her, replaced by the realization that I was the one who pushed her away with my silence and unwillingness to talk about what happened that afternoon in the woods behind the school. The long hospital stay and recovery were a part of my life I wanted to forget and leave behind, to deny they were happening to me, but I never wanted Iwanako to get caught up in that denial, to be lost along with it. But I did lose her and now here she was, right in front of me.

We're still standing apart from each other, the only people left on the platform, a good distance between the pair of us, neither one willing to close the gap.

“What...what are you doing here?” she finally asks, purely functionally, an identical response to my own question.
I gesture towards the general direction of the university. “School. I just got done with classes and I was heading home.“

She flinches. “I made you miss your ride....”
“It's okay, I said I'll catch the next one.”
Iwanako looks at the posted times on the wall and squints through the snow and wind. “That's not for hours!” She turns back to me and smiles bashfully. “I guess we're both stranded.”

A torrent of wind rips across the platform, pulling at the two of us, nearly toppling her over. She leans against the blast, winces, and wraps herself tightly in her arms, a large, leather bag in the hug as well.

I'm the one who finally steps forward, putting myself between the open air and her, standing protectively close. Despite that, she shies away from me slightly. “Come on, let's get out of here,” I say. “I know a place nearby where we can have something warm while we wait for the next train.“

She looks up at me, gripping her hat to her head and nods a little.

The pair of us walk down the icy stairs and down the road, using buildings to keep the wind and snow from blinding us. I do my best to stick close to her in case she slips and falls, but I notice she keeps at least a minimum of distance between the two of us, never getting within arms length to me.

The tiny cafe isn't far from the station and is a welcome relief to the blistering cold outside. We huddle in and I shut the door behind me, locking the cold and winter outside. Already the warm air begins to creep into the layers of clothes I wear causing me to sweat.

We both take a moment to adjust to the new environment before a waitress greets us and sits us down at a table far from the large, plate glass windows and their chill. We sit in a tiny circle of chairs and sofas, a muted television hanging above us while a  fire, tiny and behind panes of thick glass, flickers nearby.

The waitress takes our orders, a cup of Kikeriki for me while Iwanako orders a tall mug of an elaborate sounding coffee drink for herself.

The waitress leaves us alone and we sit across from each other, both of us looking at our inoffensive objects of choice, Iwanako at the television while I watch the dancing flames.

We go back to the silent standoff we left at the platform. I guess we both walked in here for mutual protection from the cold, but now that we're stranded, we're left with nothing to talk about.

I glance at Iwanako again to get a better look at her.

Like I thought, she certainly hasn't changed much. She sits with her legs daintily crossed, high boots halfway up her calves while she wears a small skirt and tights. She always was very mindful of her appearance and fashion, even in the dead of winter. That hair of hers that I always liked is still as black and straight as it ever was. I get a better look at it when she takes her cap off and shakes the remnant snow off, teasing her hair to get the snowflakes out.

I cough and look back at the fire waiting for our drinks to arrive, taking my leather coat off and folding it across the chair next to me to dry. She keeps sneaking glances at me too, trying to look like she's absorbed in the television's silent newscaster, reading the ticking lines of text at the bottom of the screen.

Say something, damn it! I tell myself. Stop sitting here doing nothing, that's what's gotten you into trouble your whole life! “Iwanako....”
She starts and looks at me as if she forgot I were there.
I smile easily at her. “Hello.”

She hesitates, but then smiles as well. “Hello, Hisao.”
“How have you been?”
She nods meekly. “I've been okay. How about you?”
I nod. “I'm doing well.”
She nods as well. “That's...good. That's really good.”

Introductions over.
Okay, that wasn't so hard. Moving on to platonic compliments. “You look good,” I tell her, “you look nice.”

She smiles and blushes, her tongue pressing against the inside of her cheek like she always did when she was embarrassed. “Stop it,” she says teasing.

She may not want to admit it, but she's still a looker. Thin and willowy, she still has that petite grace she possessed back in school that caught me and every guys eye when she waked past. The tights make her legs look particularly slender and now that she's actually taken off her thick coat, I can see the curve of her shoulders and hips. “It's true,” I say. “You look great.”

She bobs her head, accepting the compliment. She steals a few glances at me and I catch her wandering eye looking me up and down. “You look...you look good yourself.“ She hesitates and blushes. “Actually, you look fantastic.“

I try not to sputter in awkwardness, but I can feel my cheeks burning. I've caught a few girls at university stealing glances at me. Between jogging, eating right, being a vitamin maniac and even lifting weights, I've become a bit of a health nut in recent years, all geared towards my heart, but also my own self improvement. I admit I do it mostly for Lilly, but there's that little burning light of pride inside me that wants to prove the doctors and Lilly's Father wrong about me, every day one step closer to that expected expiration date they've arbitrarily slapped on me. “Thanks. I try and take care of myself.”

She stops and leans back, putting distance between us, something I said jarring her. “Yes. Yes, you should.” She retreats, looking back up at the television

I guess my health isn't something she's eager to talk about. I look up at the television, finding it a little amusing. Me and Lilly don't even have one in our apartment, so I don't watch television much anymore.

I look back at her, the tight, determined look on her face to ignore me for the time being.

“You said you were doing work nearby?” I ask.
She blinks, looks at me and then nods. Instinctively, she pats the large leather bag she's been carrying around. Now that we're out of the wind and snow, I can see it's a very expensive camera bag, the kind I would expect professionals to use. “Are you in photography?”

She smiles and shakes her head. “Not really. I've just been taking pictures. I work at a realty firm back...back home. I was doing some scouting for them, taking shots of houses and buildings they own for catalogs, documenting where they need to have work done. I told my boss it doesn't make sense to do it in the dead of winter, but he wouldn't listen to reason. I told him, no one wants to by a house in winter, but he's too stubborn to listen.“

I smile and lean back into the warm chair, the nearby fire beginning to chase away the last signs of cold and bitter wind. “So you're a realtor agent?”

She shrugs. “Not yet. It's what I want to be, but I have to do the grunt work for now. My boss is a friend of my Dad, so he's letting me do odd work, get my name in and start up in the business. I'm going to school, studying to get my license. I want to sell people houses. I want to help them start their lives.“ She blushes and shrugs. “I want to sell them dreams.”

I find myself smiling back at her, the excitement and honesty she says the words with getting to me. “That's really great, Iwanako. I'm glad to hear that. It sounds like you've found something you really enjoy.“

She nods. “I think I have. At first I wanted to design houses, become an architect, but I started to enjoy interior decorating a lot more. The way I see it, once I sell the house, then I can help make it exactly what the buyer needs.“
“And get twice the commission.”
She flashes me a smile and lifts her delicate eyebrows, her nose scrunching up. “That too.”

We both have a light laugh.

The waitress comes back with our drinks and we spend the next few minutes testing the hot beverages, finding the right temperature to begin drinking. Iwanako uses a container of sugar and dumps entirely too much into her cup.

She must catch my stare because she giggles before setting it aside. “Sugar, coffee and energy drinks. That seems to be the only thing I drink nowadays. I can't remember the last time I had a meal that wasn't take-out or fast food!“

I smile over my teacup.  That may be all she eats, but it doesn't look like it, I think to myself.
We settle into our chairs, drinks in hand. The spicy, lemon and cinnamon of my Kikeriki flashes through me and runs hot water through my veins, making my whole body turn cozy.

“So what about you? You said you were at university? What are you studying?“ she asks.
I take another sip, setting the tiny cup onto its plate. “Science, actually.”
Iwanako claps her hands once. “I should have known. You were always getting straight A's in class!“
“Was I?”
She nods. “You were a nerd.”
My smile turns downwards. “That's unfortunate.”
“No, it isn't! There's nothing wrong with being the smart guy in class. Better than us dummies. I remember a lot of us asking for your help on tests. I even remember a few of your friends offering to pay you to do their homework.“
“Yeah, I almost never did get that money from them.”
“That's only because you were too nice to bother them with it after the fact. You were always lending money and not getting anything in return.“
I smile ruefully. “I kind of wish I could call in all of those old debts right about now. It would do a lot of good.“

She flinches. “Times are tough?”
I shrug. “Well, a little. School isn't the problem, it's the rent and food and not having a car. It's just enough, but never enough, you know? Between me and Lilly, we've been splitting our time between work and school and it's been driving us crazy.“

Iwanako stares at me for a moment. “...Lilly, huh?”
“Yeah, she and I have been....” I clamp my mouth shut. “Yeah. Lilly.”
Iwanako looks down at her coffee and takes a very long sip from it. I do the same, occupying the time with the sound of slurping.

Iwanako sets her cup down a little hard. “God, why is this so awkward?”
I'm a little shocked by her sudden candor.

“This is like,” she continues, “the...the ex-boyfriend talk! Which is so totally stupid because you're not even my ex-boyfriend! We didn't even get that far!“ Her cheeks color and she covers her face a little. “Oh! Hisao, I'm sorry! That came out more bitter than I wanted it too.“

I wave her apology off. “It's fine, it's fine. I know. I feel the same way.”
Iwanako takes a steadying breath. “Can we start over?”
I nod.
She has another moment to ready herself. “Okay. So...you and Lilly, right?”
I nod. “Yeah. We've been together for a few years now.”

She must do the numbers in her head, because her eyes go glassy for a moment. “Oh. Since High School, then?”
“Yes. A little before graduation.”

I know she wants to ask, I can tell from the look on her face. It's painful, like she's trying not to burst because she doesn't know how to ask or say what she's thinking.

“And yes,” I answer for her, “we met there. At Yamaku, the school I went to.” Now for the other question eating away at her. “Yes, Lilly was a student like me. She was blind. Well, I mean, not just like me, obviously. And she's still blind, that hasn't changed of course, but she was a student. Like me. At Yamaku.“

Oh, God, please stop me, please.

I'm not sure whether Iwanako wants to laugh or not, but my pained answer seems to set her at ease. Still, I can see in her eyes the little flickers of thought, creating all types of scenarios and comparisons between the her and a woman she's never even met before, wondering what it was about Lilly that made some blind girl a better option than her.

Realization hits me suddenly. “Iwanako, I'm sorry. I need to call and let her know I'll be late.“
She nods, hands folded in her lap.

I retreat from the situation, breathing a sigh of relief. That was painful and if it continues it's only going to get worse.

I find shelter near the bathrooms and pull out my cell phone, a cheap model from  several years ago. I've been stuck between deciding to invest in a laptop or a smart phone for school, but I haven't saved the money for either yet, so I make do with my old flip phone, the same one I've had since high school. One press of the speed dial button and the phone at work begins ringing. On the second tone, it gets picked up by my boss. “Nanjing Tea House,” he says in a bright voice.

“Hello, Mr. Arata, it's Hisao.”
“Hisao! Enjoying your day off?”
“Yes, sir. Would it be possible to speak to Lilly?”
“She's taking her break right now, I'll put her on.”
A few shuffling moments later and Lilly answers. “Hello?”
“Hey, Lilly.”
“Hisao! Are you home already?”
“No, that's the thing. I missed my train and I wanted to call and let you know I would be late tonight.“

I immediately feel guilty hearing the disappointment in her voice. “I only have a few hours left here before I'm done for the day. When will you get home?“
“I'm not sure. I'll be taking the next train there, so it can't be too long.“
“I'll stay up late then.”
“You don't need to do that.”
“I want to. We didn't get to spend any time together this morning or all of yesterday. I miss you.“

I smile through the phone and I hope she can hear it in my voice. “I miss you too, Lilly. We'll catch up later, all right?“
“All right. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
There's a moment where neither of us hangs up. “Hisao,” she asks, “are you all right? You sound a little troubled.”
I open my mouth to say something, but I stop myself. “No, I'm fine. Just tired. When I get home we'll spend some time together, okay?“
“All right,” she says. “I love you.”
“I love you, Lilly.”

We hang up and I slip my phone into my pocket. I didn't mention why I was late or what I was doing; was I embarrassed by the situation I was in or did I want to keep it secret from Lilly? If I did, I can't imagine why. I don't really have anything to be embarrassed about. Maybe I didn't want to trouble Lilly with my problems.
Maybe, but that's what always seems to get me in trouble in the first place.

I walk back to the tiny circle of chairs and am a little surprised to find Iwanako still there. Maybe somewhere deep inside I had wanted her to leave so we wouldn't have to continue this conversation any more. When I sit back down, even she looks a little shocked that I've come back. “Everything okay?” she asks.

“Yeah, all fine. I just told her I'll be a little late.“
Iwanako nods sheepishly. “I have a confession.”

My heart begins to race.

“Not like that!” she says quickly. “I just...for a minute, I thought I should leave before you got back. But I didn't think that would be right.“ She smiles awkwardly. ”I'd hate to leave you with the bill like that.“

I chuckle and shift in my seat. “To be honest, I thought the same thing.”

She smiles over her coffee drink at me. “I guess we both are having some trouble with this. I guess it was silly of me to think you wouldn't have a girlfriend or someone in your life after all this time. I should have expected that.” Iwanako takes a courageous breath and brightens considerably. “So! Tell me about Lilly then.”

I'm amazed by her resolve. Even though it's an uncomfortable topic, she seems determined to get through it and continue on down the path we've set ourselves on without regrets. “Okay, well, we met in school soon after I transferred to Yamaku. We seemed to become friends very quickly. Looking back, I guess I felt so lost, I was about ready to grab hold of anything reliable I could find. Lilly really became a pillar of strength for me at that time. After what happened...I guess I just wanted something normal I could count on in my life.“

I hope she doesn't take my comment as one that's saying I couldn't count on her, but from her expression, the thought does come to mind.

“We started dating soon after that. She was the one who asked me and we had some problems to begin with, but we're still together, still going strong. I've had some issues with her family in the past, but she and I have come out of it for the better. We're living together above the tea shop we work at. Like I said, I'm studying science and she's into teaching English. We're hoping to become teachers.“

Iwanako smiles endearingly. “That's cute! I'm glad the two of you are doing what you love together.“ She stirs her drink with her spoon nervously. ”I guess I feel like I should have some sort of update from you. I mean, how did school go? Was...the new place difficult? I imagine it was with everyone...with all those students...the way they....“

I shrug a little. “It was at first. It was hard getting used to it. And you can say it; 'disabled'. It's not a dirty word, Iwanako.“

She nods gratefully.

“Even though it took time to get used to it,” I continue, “I made a lot of friends there. I was forced to open up to people I would never have imagined meeting in my old life. It was an experience, one that, now I can look back on it, I'm glad I had. I don't know if I would be in this good of a place now if I hadn't gone to Yamaku. I certainly wouldn't have gotten the money to go to classes that I have from there, I certainly wouldn't have my health under control. Between that and the friends I now have, I have to say, Yamaku was exactly what I needed after...after what happened.“

She smiles and it's an honest expression. “That's good, Hisao. That's really good. To be honest, I was always concerned. You never had many close friends in school. You were always a little bit of a loner. I'm glad to hear you made friends there.“
“Anyone would seem to be a loner compared to how many friends you had in school. You were always hanging out with the popular crowd.“

She noticeably flinches and shies away from the topic, not answering.
“What's wrong?” I ask.
Iwanako shrugs. “After what happened, I didn't hang out with my old friends anymore.“
“Why not?”
She looks up at me. “You don't remember anything? About what happened after you had your...incident.“
“To be honest, I don't remember anything until I woke up in the hospital. They told me you went for help.“
She looks down at her tiny feet and designer boots. “That's not exactly what happened. After you...collapsed,“ her cheeks start to burn a little red, “I...I had to drag you back to the school. Some teachers and students saw and helped get you inside, but I dragged you almost the whole way.“

I'm shocked. I didn't know that. No one had mentioned it and Iwanako never said a word to me while I was in the hospital. “I can't believe it. You carried me all that way?“
I wasn't that big back then, but Iwanako is just a tiny little thing. I don't know how a little girl like her could have dragged me the whole way back to school from the clearing.

She shrugs. “It was the least I could do. You needed help.”

I feel like an idiot. “Damn it. Iwanako, after all these years, I never even thanked you. You saved my life.“
She shakes her head vigorously. “I didn't do anything. Once I got you back to school the teachers took over. The thing of it was that everyone figured out pretty quickly what had happened. I mean, the little clearing was used by couples, everyone knew that it was the place they went for privacy.“

I start to feel a little sick to my stomach.

She keeps going, habitually shrugging, keeping her eyes off me. “People started talking. You know how rumors spread in school. It wasn't long before everyone knew or thought they knew what we had been doing. After you left, I got a reputation. Like I said, I didn't hang out with my old friends very often afterwards. In fact, I'm pretty sure they're the ones....“ she stops talking.

“What is it?”

She looks up at me, hurt in her eyes. “When you didn't come back, things got really bad at school. Everyone talked about it. Everyone gossiped about us. They started....“
“What?”
“They started in on me pretty fast. You know how stupid and cruel kids our age could be. I told you, I got a reputation. They even called me....“
“What did they call you?”
She looks up at me and sighs. “They started calling me 'Heartbreaker.'”

I feel sick.

I always thought about how poor things went for me, how everyone abandoned me while I was in the hospital. Iwanako was the last one to visit me, the last holdout of my old life before even she was pushed away by my distance and inaction. I never once considered what she was going through when she sat next to my bed, what that event had done to her. I may have been the one to have the heart attack, but she was the one who felt the blame, who got caught up in the cruel whisperings of a high school. I had left, I didn't have to face the looks and the gossip of what had happened. In my self absorbed pity, I never once thought how she would handle the events that transpired, how she would move on from them.

“Iwanako, I am so, so sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through that.“

She shrugs, composing herself. “It's all right. It's just high school. People at that age are monsters, they'll turn on anyone they can. It happened a long time ago and I've dealt with it. The truth is, it showed me who my real friends were, who I could count on. I haven't heard from any of them in years, so the jokes on them; I'm going to school, I'm going to get a good job, I'm set. I've got friends now who are better than them. Honestly, I took the chance to reinvent myself, and I think you did the same thing. It was horrible, but we're survivors, aren't we, Hisao? That's what we do. We survive and we get stronger from it.“

I nod sternly. “Yes, we are.”
She nods back, grateful for the finality of that statement. I change the tone quickly. “So tell me about what you've been up to; anyone in your life.“

She locks eyes with me for a moment. “Well, sort of. There's this guy. He and I have been hanging out after school, but I'm not sure if he's interested in me. We sit together at the campus cafe and talk about the economy. He's in economics, we've been talking about the housing market. My friends call him my Dark Stranger, on account that he drinks his coffee black. I've wanted to ask him out, but...“ She turns away. “You know? I haven't...because of reasons.“
I wince. “Sorry.”
“It's okay. I really like him, I'm just scared.“ She looks uncomfortable with her choice of words. “Honestly, I haven't had anything serious since....“

I lean back in my chair and give her time. She stares down into her drink longingly, like she wants to drown herself in the dark liquid.
She sets the cup down sternly. “Can I be perfectly frank, Hisao?”

I nod.

She gathers her courage. “I'm glad everything has worked out for you for the better. I won't say I'm not a little jealous.“ She bites her lip nervously. ”Did you ever get my letter?“

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. “Yes. I did.”
She looks hurt, so very hurt. “Why...why didn't you write back?”

Oh, God, she looks so crushed. “I didn't think you wanted me too.”

She shrugs. “I'm not sure if I did. I wrote it because I wanted some closure. I couldn't go see you, so I thought it would be best. I couldn't handle a phone call and it would be so impersonal. I wanted it to be something special, something that reflected how important what I was saying would be. I guess...I guess I needed to give you permission. I needed to let you know that I didn't have any...ownership over you anymore. I needed to let both of us know that I was letting you go.“ She shakes her head. ”I guess I just never really moved on myself without that from you.“

My chest feels very tight and my throat aches, but it's not because of my heart. “Iwanako, I'm so sorry. With the place I was in at that point, the last thing I was capable of was responding. I was literally lost in my life at that point. I had no direction and no idea what I was to do with myself. I appreciated the letter you wrote me, I really did. It meant a lot to know that you were finally saying goodbye. Even more important to me, though, it showed me how wrong I had been.“  For just a moment I feel the urge to reach over and take her by the hand, but I hold back. “I said Lilly and I had trouble? Well, I was doing the same thing to her that I did to you; I was pushing her away with my silence. Your letter was a mirror that showed me how badly I treated you. I stopped something bad happening between me and Lilly because of what you showed me with that letter and I'll always be grateful to you for that. I'm sorry I didn't respond. I should have given you the same consideration that you gave me.“

She seems very pleased by my words. “Thank you, Hisao. It would have been nice, but I can understand if you couldn't do it at the time. After what happened between us, I'm glad my letter meant so much to you. You wouldn't happen to still have it, would you?“

I rub the back of my head nervously. “You know, I did for a while, but when I moved out of the dorms at Yamaku, I think it got lost in the shuffle. I'm sure I still have it somewhere. I guess teenagers just aren't as careful with important things like that. It takes growing up to realize how careful you should be with meaningful stuff.“

She giggles and waves me off. “Don't be silly. I didn't really expect you to have it still. I was almost a little worried you'd dramatically pull it from your pocket and start gushing about how it completely changed you life!“
“That would be a little worrying, wouldn't it? Still, I wish I had kept track of it. It was, and still is, very important to me.“

“I'm glad. It makes all the work I put into it worthwhile. Would you believe me if I told you I wrote almost a dozen letters before that one? When I put it in the mailbox, I was about to have a heart attack!“ She covers her face. ”Oh, dammit!“

She's cute when she cusses. “It's fine! I'm not made of glass! Honestly, you can't offend me with a slip of the tongue. If you pitied me, then I would be offended.“

She nods, grateful for my candor. “I'm glad. I don't want to say something to upset you.“ She looks at me curiously. ”You seem very...I don't what word to use. I have an idea, but I don't want to upset you.“
“Please, go on.”
She shrugs. “You seem very, and this may come off as sounding strange, but you seem very...refined.“

I blink, taken by surprise. “Excuse me?”
“You do! Honestly, you may not have noticed, but you've had your pinky up while sipping your tea. It's cute, but a little silly.“

I look at my hand and am embarrassed to find that she's right. I set my cup down bashfully and try to laugh it off.

“On top of that,” she continues, “you seem very proper now. Back in school, you were always a little messy to be honest. Kind of awkward. Now you're very...confident. Composed, I guess. On top of that you look very fashionable. I like your coat, it's very dramatic.“ She grins. ”And you're finally starting to tame that hair of yours.“

I'm suddenly very self conscious. Iwanako was always an appearance oriented person without being superficial, so the compliment means a lot coming from her “Well, I guess you can thank Lilly for that. She had a very proper upbringing and I guess it's reflected on me. As for the coat, it was a Christmas present from a few years back.“
“It's beautiful! You've taken good care of the leather. I can't see a single spot on it. It's calf, right?“
“Correct.”
“Must have cost a fortune.”
“Lilly's family is...pretty well off.”

I can see the confusion in her eyes, Lilly's family being wealthy and us still struggling a little. “Like I said, her Father and I have had issues in the past.“

She nods in silent understanding.

“Can I ask you a question?” I venture.
“Of course.”

I've always wanted to know this, and I guess now is as good a time as any. I'm a little intimidated by what her answer could be, though. “Why me?”

She blinks. “I don't understand.”
“Why did you confess to me? We never spoke to each other before. We had completely different social circles, and to be honest, I may have had a crush on you, but the last thing on my mind was that you reciprocated anything for me. To be honest, Iwanako, you were way out of my league.“

She seems surprised by my question. “You really don't know?
I shake my head in response.
“Oh, Hisao, I thought you would have figured it out by now. I confessed to you because, well, you know that popular group I used to hang out with? I never liked them. I couldn't stand the girls I was friends with. The only thing I had in common with them was that I was pretty and we talked about clothes. I would try and talk about other things like books or schoolwork and they would just blink like stupid lizards at me. Honestly, when they turned on me, I wasn't surprised. I confessed to you because you interested me.“

”You were always a loner like I said, you always had your head in a book. You were outside my sphere, so you intrigued me. I asked around and everyone said that while you were a little awkward, you were a nice guy and pretty smart. You helped people with their homework without expecting something in return, you were very diligent in your schoolwork. Mabe it was a case of wanting something I couldn't have, but I always thought you were very handsome and I admired you from a distance. Honestly, if you had been a little more confident, you and I would have been in the same circle and then maybe a confession between us wouldn't have been so strange. Truthfully, I had been watching you for months, almost since the beginning of the year. I really didn't know how to approach you. I was so scared, I had a friend slip a note in your book! She almost didn't do it, she said it was for my own good that I not date a loser like you, but I didn't care about popularity.“ She shrugs, her cheeks bright red. ”I liked you for who you were, the person I knew you to be. I only could hope you felt the same way about me.“

I'm a little taken with her compliments and am about to respond when she looks up at the clock on the wall. “Oh! We have to hurry! Our train is almost here!”

With a flurry of movement I pay for our drinks, against her protests, and we make it to the platform just as the second train is about to leave. Crammed full of people as it is, it seems like a poor segue for our reconciliation and it halts any conversation between the two of us. Still, she takes a seat next to me on the train, our bags properly between the two of us.

The train halts at my stop and Iwanako and I stand on the platform facing one another. There's some time at the new platform, so it's not in any danger of leaving her behind, her destination farther down the line. It's a bad way to end things between us, our conversation ending as fast as it had begun, dictated by the arrival and departure schedule. There's still so much left unsaid and so much catching up to do, it's almost wasteful for us to separate like this.

On the platform the snow falls around us, the night brightened by a few lamps above us.
“So,” she says.
“Right,” is my response.
“Hisao, I'm sorry for what happened back then.“
“It wasn't your fault. There was nothing that could have prevented it. With my condition the way it was, it was only a matter of time before it hit me. If it wasn't with you in the clearing it would have been the next time I played soccer or the next time I ran to class before I was late. My heart was a time bomb and I'm sorry you got caught in the blast.“

She nods. “Thank you. I still feel terrible about it. But I'm glad you don't blame me like I blamed myself.“

We're both silent. “I guess this is it then,“ I say.
She giggles and shakes her head. “This is silly.We both know how to use phones, we're not cavemen. Here; give me your number.“ She pulls her cell phone out, a very nice blue one with a touch screen and she calls me when I tell her my number. I let it ring until the number is stored, a little bashful about my crappy phone. “There,” she says, “now we can catch up some time.”

I nod a little. She must read more into my body language because she looks worried. “You won't get in trouble with your girlfriend for having my number, will you?“
“No, no, Lilly isn't like that. It's fine.”
“Good. Because I'd really like to have the opportunity to meet her when we have the time.“
“I think I'd like that.”

She looks up at me curiously. “Can I ask you a question? It's only fair, I told you why I confessed in the first place.“
I nod.

She gathers herself for her statement. “What were you going to say?”
“Excuse me?”
“When I confessed, what were you going to say? I wanted to go out with you. What were you going to say? I never did find out. I mean, after what happened, it seemed so unimportant, but it's been nagging me for years. I don't even know if you were going to say 'yes'.“
“I....”
I don't know how to answer. In all these years, I had never thought to even think of a response to that question she asked me in the snow and under the bare trees. It seems silly to me now; the question that sent my life spiraling out of control and I never had an answer for it; my whole life focused on the question, not my response to it. “I don't know, Iwanako. I really don't.”
She shifts uncomfortably. “Then can I ask you another question?”
I tell her she may.
She locks eyes with me. “Even if you don't know what you would have said back then, if you and I just ran into each other without all of this happening, just two old schoolmates meeting by chance, and you were free to say whatever you wanted, would you...would you say 'yes' now?“

My shoulders tense and I feel hair prickle on the back of my neck. “That's a dangerous question, Iwanako.”

“I know it's a pretty heavy hypothetical,” she says bashfully, pulling a few strands of hair out of her eyes, pulled from under her cap by the wind. “I just need to know. I never had the closure I tried to give to you. I thought my letter would be a final goodbye for both of us, but it didn't do me as much good as it did you. I just wanted to know. I need to know.“

I flex my jaw, my dry tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth. “Back then, I was going to say 'yes'.”
Her eyes brighten.
“If I was free now, which I'm not, to say anything I wanted...then I would say 'yes', too. I would try to make up to you the mistakes I made back then.“

She dips her head, cheeks red, a small smile on her face. “I had a plan back then; if you had said 'no' I would have laughed it off and just tried to be friends. I would have been happy with that. Who knows? Maybe you would change your mind if we got to know each other better. But if you had said 'yes',“ she says, looking up at me, standing very close, ”I was going to kiss you.“

My fingers tighten into a fist.

“I've had this waiting for all these years to give to you. I feel like I'm carrying this thing around that belongs to you and it's been on my mind this whole time. I know it's not right and I know I'm a terrible person for asking you this, but...can I,“ she says, licking her lips nervously, “can I kiss you?“

My foot shifts backwards half a pace. “I'm sorry, Iwanako. I can't accept that from you.”

She looks shocked and turns away from me, mortified. “I know, I'm sorry! God, I shouldn't have asked that! Stupid....“ She turns to face me. ”I just...I need something. I need a letter from you, Hisao. I need that closure that I gave to you. I need to know that it's over, that it never happened.“

I realize that all this time, Iwanako has been waiting for me to release her, to let her go.
I needed to say these things back then, to let her know that it was okay.

Without hesitation, I hold my arms open towards her. She's taken aback a little, but when she recovers, she meekly enters my embrace and hold me tight enough to hurt. I wrap my arms around Iwanako and she shudders from the touch more than from the cold. Her face resting against my chest, I feel her breath a sigh, her shoulders relaxing, a weight dropping from her, a burden held for so long. She wilts in my arms and is the one to finally break the hold.
She smiles up at me genuinely, a much clearer expression than I'd seen her with before. “Thank you, Hisao.”

She pulls away, her steps sprite-like. “Call me, you understand? No excuses. It's a phone call, not a letter. I want to meet this Lilly of yours.“ She smiles playfully. “You know what? I'm going to tell my Dark Stranger how I feel about him. Who knows? Maybe he'll say yes, maybe he'll say no. That's part of the excitement.“
“That sounds like a good idea, Iwanako. You know what? If it turns out well, maybe you and him can get together with Lilly and I? We can all go out.“
She nods. “I'd like that a lot.“
I give her one final wave. “It was nice seeing you again, Iwanako.“
“I'm glad we missed our train, Hisao. I feel a lot better than I have in a very long time. I'll see you around.“

She steps back onto the train just as the doors close. Turning back to me, she waves as the car pulls away.
The last thing I see is her smiling at me through the window as the car passes out of sight.

----------------------------------------

Fumbling with my keys, I unlock the door and step into my tiny apartment. A living room/kitchen/dining room with a two closets, a bedroom and a tiny bathroom is all we have, but it's enough. The apartment is freezing and completely dark and I can hear a high pitched whistle coming from somewhere. Lilly handles the cold better than I do and she joked once that we can save on electricity when she's home alone since she doesn't need any lights on. I'm not so fortunate so I find the nearby light switch and turn the thermostat up a few degrees.

When I turn I find Lilly still in her waitress uniform, sprawled on the couch among the pillows, sleeping at a funny and awkward angle, head lolled back and mouth agape. I keep my chuckle down at her undignified position, noting just how attractive she looks in the tightly cut uniform. On the stove, a kettle of water hisses before I take it off, the water inside almost having evaporated away to nothing. Still, there's enough for me to finish the tea Lilly had started to make before apparently falling asleep.

I set the pot down on the coffee table in front of the couch, the tiny clink enough to stir Lilly. “H-Hisao?”
“Right here. I finished the tea.”
Her cheeks color and she shifts into a more comfortable position. “Oh, dear. I must have fallen asleep with the kettle on.“
“That's all right. It couldn't have been going for long.“ I pour a cup for her and place it into her hands which she takes gratefully. “You know,” I say, “after working in a tea shop all day, I would think you were sick of the stuff by now.“

She smiles, savoring the first sip of Darjeeling white. “That's why I don't drink any at work, so as not to spoil the experience.“
She holds her cup in one hand and uses the other to hold open the blanket tucked in around her feet. I toss my coat onto the floor with my boots and climb inside, taking my own cup in as well.

Together, we sip our tea and let the day melt from our minds.
“How was work?” I ask.
“Hectic, but manageable. Mr. Arata said he was taking his wife out for their anniversary tomorrow, so we'll have the day off.“
“Fantastic! I don't have classes, we can have the whole day together. We should buy them a gift or something.“
Lilly looks reticent. “What?” I ask.
“Well...with money being what it is, I thought instead of buying them something we could...look after their kids while they were away.“
I groan.
“They are very well behaved, Hisao, you know that. It won't be any trouble at all. And we owe them for everything they've done for us.“
“I guess.”
She pulls closer to me, burying her face in my neck. “We'll only have to watch them a little while. Then when they leave we'll have all night to ourselves.“

I hold Lilly, eagerly looking forward to tomorrow night.

“How was your day?” she asks.
“Classes were fine. I'm still convinced my professors hate me.“
“That's only because you show them up in front of the other students.“
“If they're wrong, they need to be alerted and accept criticism.”
She giggles. “I'm glad you caught the next train. I didn't want to go to sleep without you. What did you do while you were stranded?“

I hesitate for only a moment. “I met an old friend.”
“Really? Who?”
I'm reminded of how important truth is to me and Lilly. “Iwanako.”

Lilly freezes in my arms. “I...see. How did that turn out?”
“Better than I had expected. She seems to be doing well. I think she was more nervous about meeting me than I was of her.“
“I hope everything turned out well?.”
“I think she's doing good. I think she just needed to put some things between us behind her.“

Lilly smiles, her free hand playing at the back of my neck. “I'm glad to hear that. You've never really talked about her much. I always assumed it was too uncomfortable for you to speak of.“
“It used to be. Now, I think I'm all right with it.” I turn to face Lilly. “She wants to meet you.”

“Does she? Well, that would be nice.”
“I think you'll like her.”
“If she was important to you for even a little while, I'm sure I will.“

I take Lilly's cheek into my hand and kiss her, she responding needfully. Separating, Lilly rests her head on my shoulder. “Are you all right?” she asks.

“Yeah, I'm fine. I was a little down earlier. I was thinking about everything that our friends have been up too, all the things they've been doing. I was a little jealous of them and their success.“ I look around at my crappy apartment that I share with Lilly. “We're not there yet. I think I got a little glimpse of what could have been and I'm glad this is where I am with you. It may not be much, not yet, but we'll make it into something. I could have taken any other route, but I'm glad I took the one with you, Lilly.“

She smiles and presses tighter against me, chasing the winter chill away. “I am very glad to have found you as well, Hisao. I know things are not the way you wish they could be. I know you get frustrated at our situation, but together we'll make the best of what we have. I don't care if we live in this apartment forever so long as it's together. I only need you.“

I look down at her, at the choices I've made, the path I've followed. I had wondered earlier about if I had gone another way how things could have turned out for me. Seeing Iwanako again was like that question being thrown in my face. I regret my actions towards her when I had been recovering, but had I not pushed her away, would I have met Lilly? Would we have ended up together? Would I have moved from place to place in my life, following the course that led to this dumpy little one bedroom apartment with the bad sink and the windows that let in the cold, living above a tea shop and dividing our meager time between classes and work?

I don't know.

Seeing Iwanako was a glimpse down another path of life that I could have taken. But no matter where that road would have gone, it wouldn't have been with Lilly at my side. No matter what waited for me at the end, without Lilly, it would be a path I would not willingly walk.

Lilly and I hold each other under the blanket, the wind howling and making our window shudder, shielding each other from the outside world.

I don't know where I could have gone.

But wherever I am, therein I am content.