TIFU by assuming some simple genital pimples on my penis was HPV

NSFW

Ok, so, this was about a month and a half ago now, that I first noticed a few white looking things under the skin on the shaft of my penis. Never before in my 24 years of living on this Earth have I seen anything at all out of the ordinary on my junk. I always thought it was a handsome feller honestly, compared to the dicks I've seen in porn and on nude beaches, at least. But this, thing, that I had just noticed, this is not supposed to be there. This isn't there. Shit, it IS there.

I thought "this is it. You did it, you careless bastard. Raw-dogged the wrong one and now you must pay the price forever. Is this how it ends? I've never even had a fourgy yet. Never joined the mile high club. So young, so many things left to do..." I was devastated, I had a 'why-me?' moment, went through the first stage of grief, and then after the panic and sadness and shock wore off, I decided I need to do something about this now, like fucking right now.

I started googling STD's for hours. After eliminating all the super terrifying ones (phew, at least it isn't THAT). I eventually assumed that this little fucker had to be a wart. I even googled pictures of HPV outbreaks for hours, and in my panicked state of mind eventually assumed that that is what it had to be. Definitely wasn't HSV, and didn't look like anything else either.

Second step was to find an effective at home treatment to make it go away, I don't have insurance, and have lived nomadically in one form or another for over 5 years now. I live in a 34 foot bus these days, but I just got the thing and it ain't built out at all, so no running water or bathroom, and sanitization is more difficult than living inside a real house or even an RV (this is important, for the past five years basically I wore the same clothes over and over and did not have many opportunities to wash them or shower, especially when I was backpacking for 2 years). I shower at truck stops every now and then and poop at Wal-Mart, basically.

After extensive Google searching, I found that most people treating their genital warts at home had effectively used apple cider vinegar to quell the outbreak in a few weeks of applying it to a bandage and placing it over the wart over night.

I did this for about 3 days before I got chemical burns on my junk, and even though this concerned me, momma didn't raise no quitter, and I kept doing it for another two before the pain became so intense that when I went to put the apple cider vinegar bandage back on again that night, I could not bear it any longer after another few minutes and had to rip it off.

That night I had another 'why-me?' moment and thought about my sexual partners trying to narrow down who could have done this to me. I always tried to be careful when deciding who I slept with, and could not come up with anyone for sure, or even a short list. I eventually gave up and went to sleep.

Over the next few days I did nothing to my poor member, which was slowly healing from the chemical burns I incurred on it with the self administered ACV treatments. By the time the scab cleared, I had another major freak out moment. There were now MORE (in hindsight, having a scab on my dick probably just allowed some sweaty dirt to get into the pores) 'warts' than before I started!

Another 'why-me?' moment ensued, this time it really sent me back into some deep depression. The kind of depression I have felt in years. High school shit. A real deep funk. I gave up on treatment for a while. Gave up on a lot of things for a while. I just sat in my bus and slept if I could help it.

Eventually I pulled myself out of it and decided to try a different treatment method. If the natural way didn't work, I figured it was time to go with pharmaceuticals. I eventually bought some Compound W for the freeze off kit, and proceeded to try and hit every single one of these things with it. Went through the whole can. I didn't apply the salicylic acid as that is apparently something the medical community resoundingly agrees should not be applied to your genitalia.

Over a week of bandages around my phallus went by, applying a new one every day, and smothering the bandage in Smile's PRID (which I love btw, it helps with so many things, but in this case because it can apparently draw infection and stuff from underneath the skin towards the surface) before I encased the poor thing back into it's gauze prison. Eventually the freeze burn healed to the point that it was no longer scabbing, and I once again took a real good look at what was going on down there. No change. Completely ineffective. The same white dots as before, but they were bigger and closer to the surface now it appeared. Maybe, out of all the shit I've done to mutilate my genitals in the name of removing an infections outbreak, this brown goop is what works?

I rolled with it. Another week of PRID smothered bandages. They seemed to be slowly getting pulled towards the surface. Then one day while changing the dressing (actually only a few hours ago), I noticed that one of these fucking things, had a head to it. Curious, I played with the spot a little, rolling it in my hands and eventually squeezing it, just to see what happened.

The damn thing popped!

Warts don't pop!

What is going on?

I sat confused for a while, then googled 'genital zits'.

Hey, those things look a lot like what I got going on down there.

I tried popping the rest of em. They all went! What the fuck? Is this real? Has my curse been lifted?

During this whole time I had not been able to get into any sort of clinic for testing because of this Corona virus shit, so I had not actually been able to positively confirm or deny that my suspicions were true, and all I thought I could do for now was act on them.

I have never before in my enitre life been so happy to have been so wrong.

Then I remembered that I called all of my partners from the last year and told them I had HPV. Oh shit.
Well, at least everyone was relieved. I was definitely called a dumbass by every single one of them though.

My dick has scar tissue on it now, that didn't even need to be there. It looks like someone stuck strips of bubble gum to it now where the new scar tissue fades into the old, regular willie tissue.

I think I will call it frankendick from now on.

Probably gunna be an awkward explanation every time someone new sees it for the first time, but at least I don't have HPV?

TL;DR saw some genital pimples and thought it was HPV warts. Mutilated the poor fucker with chemical burns and self administered cryotherapy and permenantly scarred it, before finding out that they were just fucking zits, and that I should probably just wash my junk more. I usually give it a good baby wipe bath every other day or so, but that is clearly not enough.

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