Copypasta: Full transcript of Wilbur Soot and Jebediah Schlatt's conversation about Hot Pockets, lasting 12 minutes and 24 seconds.

-𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: I had a Hot Pocket today

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Did you? What actually is one of those? I've never actually had one.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Um, it's like bread, but there's-there's like, meat, and cheese in the middle.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: That sounds like a... Just a...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: And you put it in the microwave, and then y-you just kinda eat it, once it comes out.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: So is it like just if you took a pizza and, like, folded it over?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Yeah kinda, kinda, but it's like... Completely encased in the bread.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Oh, I see. Is it, like, Italian? Or..?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Aw, no. No no, it's, it's not Italian. I mean, savory treat. Savory treat.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: What's the kinda, what sort of price, and uh, what sort of price are we looking at for Hot Pockets?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Oh, I mean, I mean, it's just a couple dollars. You just pull it out of the freezer aisle.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Really? What, the freezer-oh, so you have to defrost them? Or do you just pop them in there? Do you defrost them or just pop 'em straight in there?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: The freezer, yeah, yeah, no, no, they defrost in the microwave when you put it in for, like, two minutes, and then you've got a delicious, salty treat

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Ohh, I get it. Mhm. Oh, salty?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Oh yeah, well, get the one with the pretzel, uh, the pretzel bread, and... And yeah you've got some salt around the outside, and you can...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Okay... Is that? Oh, okay.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: You can uh, just, like, put it in your mouth and, and, taste the salt. And...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: We don't have those in the UK, we don't have salt.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: And then there's, there's some cheese, and some, some, schmeat in there.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Is there like-Is there like, different flavours of them?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Oh, yeah, y-y-you have got the like, oh, there's many different, there's many different flavors, but I like... I like the, uh, the pretzel one the most, definitely, uh...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Pretzel... Oh, that's the one you were just telling me about, yeah.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: I think, yeah, I think, the pretzel... The pretzel bread, yeah...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Right, I see it.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: So you just eat that, y-you got a good, like, fifteen, sixteen bites... When you're at the end

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Fif-Woahhh... Oh, so they're quite big, I was thinking they were small.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: It comes in a nice little sleeve... You get two in the box, so if you're... Feeling... Particularly hungry, uh, you know you could pop both in the microwave... You can have one for before, and one for after.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Do you ever get the issue-Do you ever get the issue, where, like, if you p-If you like put two in the-In the microwave and the-And the microwave table starts to turn they get like, caught on the edges of the microwave, 'cause you've over-...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Oh yeah, they definitely-They definitely do... They definitely do get caught sometimes, but um... You know, I mean, the biggest problem if you're putting two in at the same time is that... Uh... You know, the-I-It won't cook them through, so you'll-You'll have a cold center

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Oh, yeah, yeah.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: And that's... When you're talking about Hot Pockets, you really wanna avoid that.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: That's a bit of a, bit of a... Ruining what's in the name.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: That's their whole thing... Usually what I would-What I would do is, I'd put the first one in, and then I'd eat... I'd eat it, and then when I'm... You know, like, seventy-five, eighty-five percent complete with the first Hot Pocket I'd pop the second one in...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Oh, so it's like... Oh, so you've got like a...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: And I'd cook that for another two minutes, because if you put them both in at the same time, they're gonna get... If the second one's gonna be cold, then it's just not worth eating, you know?

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Ohh, okay...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: You're gonna have to put it in the microwave for a second lap.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: You've got... You've got a battle plan, you've got a battle plan for this and I actually really appreciate that in-In culinary expertise.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Yeah I put a lot of thought into it.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Yeah, yeah, I mean, that-It goes to show, and it's not-It's not being... Ignored. Um... How-So how-How'd you meet Minx then?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Um... Well, let's talk about Hot Pockets for a bit more.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁, (𝗖𝗼𝗻𝘁.): My least favorite flavor's gotta be the ham and cheese one.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Oh, that does sound awful, actually...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Yeah, well, I mean, the-The problem I have with it is that the ham is just not... Very tasty.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Oh, the ham's the problem?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: You got, the cheese-The cheese, yeah, yeah well I mean-I mean, the bread is-Is kinda porous, and... Once you put it in the microwave for a while, the cheese starts to seep out, and it's um... Once you pull it out of the microwave... You're left with just a cheesy mess, it's just soppy, disgusting. It's really not the best.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Oh, It's like... Yeah, yeah, I get you, 'cau-Probably 'cause also you've cooked it from frozen, so... Haven't given it...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, and-And I've said this, I mean, I... I'll say this again and again, time and time again, Wilbur, but...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Mhm...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: The best one, is the Pretzel Bread Hot Pocket™️

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Right, right, I'm-... So, I'm g-I'm getting the whole, like, Hawaiian vibe when you say the ham and cheese, right.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Yeah, yeah.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: I'm gonna say a-A bit of a-A bit of a dreadful question, 'cause I can't seem to imagine this, but, would it be possible to have a pineapple-based Hot Pocket?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Oh, you know, I... I've... I wouldn't be interested if there was, uh, so I couldn't really tell you, I mean...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Fair enough.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: We have a-A-You know, the-The Publix, near me, or uh... Mostly just ham and cheese, and uh... And the pretzel bread one, so it's-It's either-It's either one or the other, you know it's... It's hot or it's cold, and... So I-I take the one that-That I enjoy most, so...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: That's fair enough, I mean, yeah, especially during a quarantine like this, you gotta take what you can get, you know?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Yeah, yeah, you really do, and I mean, the store says, you know, all the-All the employees go up to me, and they're like, "Schlatt, I mean..."

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁, (𝗖𝗼𝗻𝘁.): They go up to me-They go up to me while I'm in the freezer aisle, and they say, "Schlatt, you know it's limit two? For a Hot Pocket™️ box."

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Ohh, what? Oh, no!

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: And then I... And I look at them in the eyes, and I say, "Hey, listen, buddy -- You make nine dollars an hour, if you come any closer to me and try to stop me from gettin' these Hot Pockets™️, I'm just gonna breathe on you."...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Well, I mean, that would send anyone away, I expect.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: I mean, that would send anybody away. You know?

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Yeah...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: No one-No one who makes that little amount of money is gonna talk to me like he's above me. Can't you see I'm the big man?

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Yeah.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Exactly. And so I just take as many Hot Pockets™️ as I like, and I... You know, I pay for it with my Business Master Card™️, and I walk away, and... Pop it in the microwave for two minutes, and then... I'm left with a salty outside, and... Savory inside.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: And here's the thing, and then-And then after you've eaten them, as a power play, you go straight back. You go straight back to the Publix, and you go straight, and you grab another more than two... You grab another four or five.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: 'Cause they've restocked it-Because they've restocked it... And it's-It's at this point where the employees start to get a little antsy, and-And... You know, their tone shifts... But I always just-I stick to my guns, and I say, "Listen, buddy -- I'm gonna breathe on you if you come any closer to me."

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Do they want a part of that? Do they push you on that?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Oh, no, they're not trying to get my breath on them, well I mean what if I have-What if I have 'rona? You know?

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: That's a good point.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: It's too-It's too big of a chance, I mean... What if they're not able to come in for their nine dollar an hour work? I mean... It-It would be pure chaos

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Yeah, yeah... Just, and-And... All that over a Hot Pocket™️? It's not worth it, you know?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: All that over a Hot Pocket™️, you know?

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Maybe it's worth to get breathed on for nine dollars an hour if you're, like, saving someone's life, or something, but over a Hot Pocket™️?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Exactly. You got the cardboard box that the Hot Pockets™️ come in.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Oh, they come in a box? That's-That's a new development I, I really wasn't expecting

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Yeah, yeahhhhh, and-And get this, buddy -- Every Hot Pocket™️? Individually wrapped.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Individually wrapped, each one? See now I can imagine that increases waste, but it really-But it really increases preservation quality of the product.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: It really increases the preservation quality of the product, I couldn't have said it better myself, Wilbur, I mean, you-You take one of these out, comes with a nice cardboard, uh, cardboard sleeve. It's called a crisping sleeve, they call it a crisping sleeve.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: I like that. I like the branding, that's-That's really smart marketing technique, because then other companies will want to use that phrase...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: And I mean, yeah, I'm sure that they can't, because... Hot Pockets™️ probably trademarked it to a certain extent,

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Yeah

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: So no one else can call it a crisping sleeve.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: No, no, I know, but like -- The phrase crisping sleeve. The s-The phrase, 'crisping sleeve,' is gonna be used colloquially to speak to about any catalyst, you know, any sort of, like, cooking catalyst.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Exactly, exactly.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: So, people are gonna start using that, the word, s-Similar to a verb, you know, people are gonna start using that, and then companies are gonna start having to either change the title, or use it as well, and pay the licensing fee. So, really, it's a win-win for Mr. Hot Pocket™️.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: The second most profitable business-side of the Hot Pockets™️ business franchise is the licensing of the term, 'crisping sleeve'.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: I don't-I don't-I find that incredible, like...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: It's-It's absolutely incredible, and I mean...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: We could all take a leaf out of their book.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Each day I walk in to that Publix, every day, and it's, "Schlatt, there's a maximum of two", and I say, you know, "Well I'm just gonna start breathing on you, if we're gonna have a problem here". And I walk out... I mean, I-Usually they charge you, they charge you for-For plastic bags. 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘦 𝘮𝘦. You know why? 'Cause I say, "Buddy, if you don't give me that bag for free I'm gonna start breathing on you."

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Do you have, um... Do you have self-service check-outs, in the United States?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Oh yeah, we do, we do. But, I like to assert my dominance, so I go to the cashier...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: I think, tha-I think, preferably, preferably, the way to... The way to really assert your dominance -- You may even want to double bag it, I don't know if you're one for double bagging?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Aww, I double bag, I'm a double bag kinda guy. Exactly. That's exactly what I've thought about. But, I mean, at the same time, Wilbur, there's something so much more potent about asserting your dominance in front of a real person.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Right. It's the rush.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Rather than doing it in front of a-... In front of a human.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: It's the rush that you might get caught. That's the bit that does it for me. That's what gets my rocks off.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: I re-I respect it.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: When you get the hot pockets home, what's the-What's the play-by-play?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Well, I mean, you put it in the freezer. And then... Typically I'm-I'm feeling rather hungry as I get home from the Publix. Listen, bud-Listen, buddy, how many people complain about the temperature of the Hot Pocket™️?

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: No, no, I know what you mean, man, so... Yeah, no, I get you some-Some people just skip the sitting period, and you just go straight into chowing down on that boiling hot Hot Pocket™️.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Yeah, well I'm not really in the business of burning my mouth, because... It's just... You know, how am I going to enjoy the rest of the Hot Pocket™️?

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁, (𝗖𝗼𝗻𝘁.): A couple bites in, I am now at the point where I can un-Start unwrapping the the crisping sleeve.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Oh, okay.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: There's two-There's two sections to the crisping sleeve -- There's a longer version... And a shorter version, so you tear the first part off the crisping sleeve, and now you're left with... A slightly smaller, stouter crisping sleeve that exposes more of the warm Hot Pocket™️.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Oh, that is what I like to hear. That is good. So-And it's almost like peeling back a banana, almost. That's good, that's good.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Exactly. It's-It's-It's almost like disrobing the hot pocket, which is just so potent... And so then you're left with of the Hot Pocket™️ to chown down on, and... And so that's what I'll usually do.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: This is relying that the crisping sleeve is not getting soggy through the-Through the defrosting process.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: No, no, the crisping sleeve never gets soggy, it never gets soggy, and then at least if you... If you have the, uh, the Pretzel Bread Hot Pocket™️, I never have that problem.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Oh, okay, so with the cheese one...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: What's great about it... Is that the crisping sleeve allows the hot pocket to 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘱𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Ohh, god...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: And so... That means 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘵𝘺. Wilbur, that means 𝘨𝘳𝘢-Listen to me, here... That means 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘢𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘏𝘰𝘵 𝘗𝘰𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘵™️, so that means, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘏𝘰𝘵 𝘗𝘰𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘵™️ 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘢𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: That's really good.

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿, (𝗖𝗼𝗻𝘁.): And then my-My satisfaction tends to decrease... Almost-I don't know what it is, it's almost a boredom, like an ennui, it starts to increase as I get through the meal. But what you're saying is by-By erecting. By erecting the Hot Pocket, what we can do here is we can actually 𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘥𝘰𝘮 -- And create a, sort, a-A pool... Of-Of-Of, um... Of ecstasy at the bottom of the Hot Pocket™️.

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Some may call it-Some may call it, 𝘦𝘹-... 𝘌𝘹𝘱𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦... As you go through the Hot Pocket™️,

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: Ohhh...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: Let me tell you, Wilbur, the last two bites of this thing are absolutely 𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘢𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘤. I mean, they really are. They really are, I-I...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿, (𝗪𝗵𝗶𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴): The last two...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: I mean, I-I wish I could share it with you, but, you know... You're all the way over there, and I'm all the way over here, and so...

𝗪𝗶𝗹𝗯𝘂𝗿: One day, one day...

𝗦𝗰𝗵𝗹𝗮𝘁𝘁: One day...

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