Smokefag

A confession, some spaghetti and an irate pegasus part 1

Nov 3rd, 2015
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  1. >You are Anonymous, better known as Anon.
  2. >And you are a shaking stuttering mess.
  3. >You had so much nerve in front of the bathroom mirror, but now?
  4. >Now you can’t even stop your fingers from involuntarily flexing every few heartbeats.
  5. >According to the other girls, this would turn out perfectly.
  6. >According to the other girls, she was just as, if not more so into you as you were into her.
  7. >Then again, you are putting your trust in a antisocial academic genius of a princess with no relationship experience what so ever.
  8. >An apple farmer so ingrained in farm life that she barely has any points of reference other than that you can use apples a romantic gesture.
  9. >A pink pony with… Well, a brain tumor or something similar. You will never, nor ever try to understand that pony.
  10. >A fashionista with such a flair for dramatics and flamboyant romantic gestures that she wouldn’t even fit in at a renaissance fair.
  11. >And lastly a pegasus with such crippling anxiety problems as to be afraid of the concept of anything else than animals.
  12. >Seriously. How did Fluttershy even function in society?
  13. >Nevermind that now. You are about to knock on the cloud door of the most amazing mare in your life.
  14. >Twilight had hooked you up with enchanted shoes a while back for easy cloudwalking shenanigans whenever you needed it.
  15. >Apparently much easier to enchant inanimate objects than living flesh.
  16. >Your own inability to be affected by magic notwithstanding.
  17. >Well, not true. You can be, it’s just much harder than what’s considered normal.
  18. >Then again, being the only human in this world of magical ponies and rainbows makes you the very antithesis of normal.
  19. >Funny that, considering back home you were the very aspect of mediocrity.
  20.  
  21. >You shake your head furiously.
  22. >Now’s not the time to go into idle tangents.
  23. >You are about to confess your unending affection, nay adoration, nay your undescribable devotion and attraction to the supreme being of your univer…
  24. >This is why you haven’t knocked yet.
  25. >You are more liable to fuck this up by the sheer virtue of your spaghetti filled pockets than anything else.
  26. >You are hopeless in social situations.
  27. >It’s one of major reasons why you and Rainbow Dash got along so well.
  28. >She would do most of the talking. You would do most of the listening.
  29. >And commence with appropriate ooh’ing and aah’ing as was fitting.
  30. >Easy enough to do, as she courteously kept raising an eyebrow at you when she desired an appreciative response from you.
  31. >Rainbow was an amazing mare. Funny, athletic, outgoing, including and loyal to a fault.
  32. >She filled every hole in your personality with just being who she was.
  33. >She was also far more understanding than most who didn’t know her would give her credit for.
  34. >She always took great care to not to do or say anything that would make you uncomfortable.
  35. >You guessed that she learned that from dealing with Fluttershy for so long.
  36. >Special case and all that.
  37. >Of course, that wasn’t to say she always did that.
  38. >Stroke her ego too much, or get between her and Daring doo or the Wonderbolts and you were liable to be bowled over.
  39. >In the end, it was a personality fault you ended up finding more endearing than irritating.
  40. >In a strange sense of nostalgia you think back to the first time you met her.
  41. >Welp, not the first time really. The second time would be more appropriate.
  42. >The first time you were too busy screaming your bloody lungs raw.
  43. >Terminal velocity towards and angled mountain side with sharp rocks, unsurprisingly would make any human react in terror.
  44.  
  45. >You never did find out how your first time sky jumping had transported you here.
  46. >Nor could you understand how in the hell you had managed to not strap on your parachute before jumping out of the plane.
  47. >Sky Jumping 101. Bring a fucking parachute.
  48. >Oh golly jee teacher, why are we learning that huh? Everybody knows you can’t jump out of an airplane without a parachute.
  49. >Jesus. You were such a prick at the course too. Guess Karma decided you needed a quick kick in the rear for that comment.
  50. >Sarcasm was never your strong point.
  51. >Just like Karma never could seem to measure the appropriate amount of punishment to dish out.
  52. >Seriously though. Forgetting your parachute? How’s that a fair reprimand?
  53. >At least Karma can be said to be quick to try to correct her own mistakes.
  54. >Considering the fact that, if you hadn’t been transported to a magical world of ponies and rainbows.
  55. >And also considering that Rainbow Dash had been conveniently practicing high maneuver stunts just nearby, going into a dive right as you swooped on by.
  56. >Screaming at a pitch unhearable to humans, but apparently agonizingly high on the note scale for ponies.
  57. >You would for all intents and purposes be dead right now.
  58. >So… Thanks for that Karma. You didn’t dun goof’d as much after all.
  59. >Long embarrassing story told short.
  60. >Dash saved your whimpering ass.
  61. >And was furious at you for being loud, annoying, suicidal and messing up her training.
  62. >You would later learn that she was coping with the stress and fear of almost not catching you in time by being pissed.
  63. >You forgave her easily enough when you learned that.
  64. >Of course, you didn’t know that for the first few weeks you were in Equestria as this land is called.
  65. >So you were more or less avoiding her like the plague.
  66. >Which brings you back to the second time you “really” met her.
  67. >You had of course seen around plenty those first weeks of your stay, but you never talked to her.
  68.  
  69. >Twilight put a stop to that real quick.
  70. >She kept pushing her muzzle where it didn’t belong.
  71. >No not that way you pervert.
  72. >The point is. Twilight ended up forcing you and Rainbow Dash to have a sit down and talk.
  73. Initiate memory sequence!
  74. Booting memory sequence!
  75. Start memory sequence?
  76. For fucks sake brain, it’s time to be useful!
  77. >AAaaaaaaAAAaAAaaAAH MOTHER FUC-
  78. No. Wrong memory. We’re going for the second meeting.
  79. -Always so demanding-
  80. Your fault for being a lazy useless piece of grey matter.
  81. -Very well, have at it-
  82. >Now Anon dear. Dadanon has to go away for a time, so you need to be brave for mommy okay?
  83. What the fuck brain!? This is not the time, nor the place, nor even the appropriate mood for that memory!
  84. -Keep being a dick and you’ll see a lot worse than that. After all, we remember when you pissed yourself in front of that girl you liked in fourth grade-
  85. Okay! Okay I give. Just please. For continuity's sake, can you bring out the right memory sequence?
  86. -*sigh* Very well. Enjoy it you love besotted imbecile-
  87. >Twilight Sparkle has just tied you to a chair at the sugarcube corner.
  88. >Being resistant towards the magical arts doesn’t help shit if the magic is using rope to do it’s dirty work.
  89. >Kinky…
  90. >So here you sit.
  91. >Now from what you could gather from the frothing princess as she was dragging you along the road here, you were to make nice with your savior.
  92. >Not really much of a problem on your side.
  93. >You did honestly want to properly thank the rainbow haired pegasus that saved your ass that day.
  94. >However considering that said pegasus had shouted herself hoarse, and popped a blood vessel in her left eye in pure rage the last time you spoke.
  95. >You didn’t have high hopes for that.
  96. >In fact. You were convinced that meeting her again would result in her beating you to death with her bare hooves.
  97. >Which honestly were closer to clubs than anything else.
  98. >Add to that, that the mare was pure athletic muscle.
  99.  
  100. >You would probably not survive to see the moonrise tonight.
  101. >Being tied up really only made it so that you couldn’t attempt to run when she got her.
  102. >That, and you wouldn’t have gotten very far anyway.
  103. >She was fast.
  104. >You were not.
  105. >Not at all actually.
  106. >Semi tall for a human perhaps, but definitely not a sprinter.
  107. >You’d be a blood pool in ten seconds flat.
  108. >Why did that saying make you feel like a thousand indignant voices cursed your name?
  109. >Nevermind. Death approaches.
  110. >Or rather, a skyblue rainbow maned mare approaches.
  111. >In this circumstance you can be excused for messing up the distinction.
  112. *dingeling*
  113. >You never thought that the obnoxious door bell of a storefront would be the claxons that heralded your doom.
  114. >Then again, you never thought you’d ponder the moral implications of being sexually aroused by pony genitalia, proudly displayed in public either.
  115. >Why did ponies go around naked?
  116. >Did they really believe the tails covered everything up?
  117. >No seriously, is there some sort of social faux pas to look at the nether regions?
  118. >How did one avoid that when one tried to look at a cutie mark?
  119. >Specially when someone raises their flanks to proudly present said cutie mark
  120. >It was infuriating.
  121. >You were not ever supposed to be conflicted by these kinds of things.
  122. >Getting a human girl was hard enough.
  123. >Oh jeez. Now both Twilight and my saviour/doom is staring at me.
  124. >Gotta say something quick. They probably said something a while ago and are waiting for a response.
  125. >...............
  126. “Why are you guys always naked?”
  127. >I smell meat sauce. Is that bolognese?
  128. >Motherfucker on a pinata stick.
  129. >Welp, you messed that up right quick.
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