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Zuki

Christmas Phone Calls

Zuki
Dec 25th, 2012
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  1. (12:18:33 PM) Zuki: Nn. So. I am twenty six, and I need to be financially independent. Barring that, I at least need a -plan-. I feel....adrift, unsure what I'm good enough at or what I like doing enough to do it for a living what can pay for a living. I talk about a teaching cert, I talk about going back to school, I haven't -looked- for more jobs since a few weeks into getting my part-timer.
  2. (12:20:27 PM) Zuki: Chris is in law school right now. Last year we broke up, and it was for good reasons, we'd agreed, at the time, and then we got back together. And then I....sort of got pissed that the problems still felt like they were problems after a while and I went and cheated on him with someone, at first online, then offline, who -was- available for the emotional support and intimacy/attention I was wanting/needing
  3. (12:20:28 PM) Zuki: although it wasn't with someone I coulda seen myself spending, well....the rest of my life with. O
  4. (12:22:22 PM) Zuki: And I told myself that, well, if the sorts of things that led me to want to do that became a problem again...that there wouldn't/shouldn't be another chance after that. We've had two other long teary nearly-broke-up conversations before that, after all.
  5. (12:22:42 PM) Zuki: And, well....there's Ish in my life right now. I haven't made much of a secret of /that/ to you guys.
  6. (12:23:34 PM) Zuki: Been having a -lot- of second thoughts about Chris lately. Mm. We called and spoke today, for Christmas and all...and he's worried about our relationship-future also, but for different reasons.
  7. (12:24:33 PM) Zuki: Namely, that I'm...teetering on the edge of being a stuck-at-home deadbeat, and he -cannot-, and should not be expected to be, financially supporting me. And generally, that big pile of Future Angst that I haven't been addressing as much as I could.
  8. (12:25:22 PM) Zuki: And then, well, at the same time that the issue of ultimatums or not-quite-conditions on our relationship or not-quite-talking-about-a-break-or-end is coming up, well....there's a sense of /relief/, of possible /freedom/
  9. (12:26:01 PM) Zuki: But also a wobbly and uncertainness, because, uh, well. I certainly don't want to live the way I am right now, forever. I *can't*
  10. (12:26:29 PM) Zuki: But I haven't really been acting in a way appropriate to getting that changed, now have I?
  11. (12:26:41 PM) Zuki: Nn. Okay. Braindump over.
  12. (12:27:26 PM) anthiena: it's understandable that you don't know what to do with yourself professionally. i am younger but my situation is fairly similar.
  13. (12:27:28 PM) ***gamergurlBobbin offers hugs
  14. (12:27:33 PM) ***anthiena hugs
  15. (12:27:48 PM) anthiena: so i definitely empathize.
  16. (12:27:54 PM) ***Muss hugs
  17. (12:28:23 PM) Zuki: Ehh.
  18. (12:28:30 PM) Zuki: Half the problem is that I feel out of /time/
  19. (12:28:34 PM) Zuki: Or past my expiration date?
  20. (12:28:41 PM) Zuki: I know this isn't -true-.
  21. (12:29:08 PM) Zuki: But well, there's a gulf of accomplishment, and sometimes I feel like jack-all has happened since I graduated college
  22. (12:29:31 PM) anthiena: i dragged my feet on getting a ged once it became obvious a year of school records got lost and weren't going to be found. 26 is not unyoung but perhaps... are you feeling stuck in routines? they can be like.
  23. (12:30:02 PM) anthiena: a repeated track, skipping
  24. (12:31:35 PM) Zuki: It's...the relationship thing is weird. I think I would be okay with saying goodbye to Chris for a while, or...yeah, maybe for-ever. I'dlike to keep his friendship, and I think we could be room-mates, but I don't know about married spouses.
  25. (12:31:57 PM) anthiena: i think that sounds like a decision.
  26. (12:32:00 PM) Zuki: I feel like I'm all talk and no action.
  27. (12:32:56 PM) Zuki: Chris had an observation on the phone that he didn't quite intend to be so, but felt very...cutting. 'It seems like as soon as your friends become successful, you stop talking to them.'
  28. (12:33:12 PM) Zuki: Like I'm hanging out in this rut because it's comfortable and familiar and I don't have to work hard in it.
  29. (12:33:32 PM) lucidChthonia: ...You've /written/ about this before.
  30. (12:33:39 PM) anthiena: change is hard, even good change.
  31. (12:34:17 PM) Zuki: Written, as in told stories, or spoken/typed?
  32. (12:34:35 PM) lucidChthonia: Insofar as... stories.
  33. (12:34:41 PM) Zuki: Go on.
  34. (12:35:20 PM) lucidChthonia: Replayers don't really get to decide they need to go into survival mode. But you do seem to know a lot about how survival mode works, and feels.
  35. (12:35:41 PM) lucidChthonia: I'm not entirely sure where this observation was going.
  36. (12:36:12 PM) anthiena: like me? i finally got that ged and i am signing up for sats in feb so i can improve my chances of entering college but it took a lot emotionally/mentally. big actions can seem scary because of things like. "what if i fail? what if i don't like it? what if i get stuck again?"
  37. (12:36:13 PM) Zuki: I know what a holding pattern because you don't believe the status quo can be changed, or you're afraid to risk what you'll lose if you try to change it and fail.
  38. (12:37:05 PM) Zuki: Anth, that is awesome that you're doing that. Are you taking the SAT in the spring, or just signing up? ( I need to take the GRE for grad school, and...having a virtual standardized-test buddy might be nice/neat. )
  39. (12:37:25 PM) anthiena: signing up! and that is a gr8 idea!
  40. (12:37:55 PM) anthiena: we can be revolutionary girls about to slay the standard test dragon! :3
  41. (12:38:15 PM) Zuki: Slaying a dragon is not really so much about the single dramatic action
  42. (12:38:20 PM) anthiena left the room (quit: Connection reset by peer).
  43. (12:38:29 PM) Zuki: as it is about all of the small actions done over many day that prepare you for the battle
  44. (12:38:55 PM) lucidChthonia: Oh, Anth, that reminds me. Get a funny SAT prep book called "Up Your Score".
  45. (12:39:03 PM) Zuki: ...now only if I had that lesson in my bones and lymph instead of merely a truism in the frontal cortex
  46. (12:39:24 PM) anthiena [[email protected]] entered the room.
  47. (12:39:33 PM) anthiena: because that shit? scary. change is p scary.
  48. (12:39:44 PM) anthiena: also, sirc crashed.
  49. (12:40:00 PM) Zuki: I pasted in PM what you missed
  50. (12:40:13 PM) Zuki: what was the last thing you saw me say?
  51. (12:40:35 PM) anthiena: i saw nothing after my last post
  52. (12:41:56 PM) Zuki: 12:38:15 PM) Zuki: Slaying a dragon is not really so much about the single dramatic action (12:38:20 PM) anthiena left the room (quit: Connection reset by peer). (12:38:29 PM) Zuki: as it is about all of the small actions done over many day that prepare you for the battle (12:38:55 PM) lucidChthonia: Oh, Anth, that reminds me. Get a funny SAT prep book called "Up Your Score".
  53. (12:41:56 PM) Zuki: (12:39:03 PM) Zuki: ...now only if I had that lesson in my bones and lymph instead of merely a truism in the frontal cortex
  54. (12:41:56 PM) Zuki: (12:39:24 PM) anthiena [[email protected]] entered the room.
  55. (12:45:05 PM) anthiena: yes
  56. (12:45:27 PM) anthiena: i have a confession.
  57. (12:45:30 PM) Zuki: Yeah?
  58. (12:45:37 PM) anthiena: i am currently living in a homeless shelter.
  59. (12:45:49 PM) Zuki: Ooof, how long can you stay?
  60. (12:46:16 PM) anthiena: usually, 90 days but i lucked out and got into a program or two
  61. (12:46:31 PM) Zuki: yeah?
  62. (12:47:09 PM) anthiena: i will most likely end up on disability because of my vision/aspergers but it's still rough while i try to make something of myself.
  63. (12:47:25 PM) anthiena: and not just coast.
  64. (12:48:23 PM) anthiena: it would be easy just to get disability and do a grouphome but i don't want that for myself.
  65. (12:48:42 PM) lucidChthonia: Mm. Yeah.
  66. (12:49:50 PM) anthiena: it's so frustrating to tell people that me being smart doesn't matter if I don't get people or space out at work because a.d.d.
  67. (12:50:01 PM) Zuki: Trust me, we understand here.
  68. (12:50:48 PM) Zuki: There's...a lot of us here have dealt with ADHD, or have Aspergers, or, well, other stuff.
  69. (12:50:48 PM) anthiena: i hilariously will have better luck in getting help through my vision problems
  70. (12:50:59 PM) lucidChthonia: I got put /out/ of the house pretty much because brain problems.
  71. (12:51:25 PM) anthiena: right eye is completely blind and my left eye slowly degenerates.
  72. (12:51:33 PM) ***Zuki kind of wanted to work in a group home or something, but the jobs needed a very clean driving record. On the other hand, that point will go off my record in March, sooo....
  73. (12:51:57 PM) anthiena: volunteer in shelters or day programs.
  74. (12:52:06 PM) anthiena: it will also help your resume.
  75. (12:52:33 PM) anthiena: and look into useful/relevant certifications.
  76. (12:53:50 PM) anthiena: :) i volunteer at a sunday brunch when i am not too sick
  77. (12:54:21 PM) Travel|Ish [[email protected]] entered the room.
  78. (12:54:51 PM) Zuki: I have a thing where I volunteer a a tutoring thing for high school kids on saturday mornings
  79. (12:55:03 PM) Zuki: when I don't freak out with anxiety that I didn't used to have and not go
  80. (12:55:15 PM) anthiena: that's a start.
  81. (12:55:38 PM) Zuki: ( I also want to look into getting a teaching certification and doing middle school or high school or undergrad, unsure what/which. )
  82. (12:55:59 PM) Zuki: And. I really want a master's degree.
  83. (12:56:08 PM) Zuki: Ish, let me get you the rest of the backscroll.
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