Mechanon's Wild Ride [Complete]

Nov 1st, 2016
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  1. >"Uhhmm... Anon?"
  2. >"You know I kind like.. heard that you watch my little pony and ummm... you know, I-I really like it too!"
  3. >"B-but I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends."
  4. >"S-so I was wondering if we could watch it together, only i-if you don't mind"
  6. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  7. >Combat training? Unlikely.
  8. >Signs of aggression? None.
  9. >Strength level? Weak.
  10. >Armor rating? Low.
  11. >Threat level 0. Proceed with interaction.
  12. "Please repeat your previous statements."
  13. >"I-I was wondering if know, wanted to w-watch My Little Pony with me."
  14. >Possible trap? Likely.
  15. >Threat level reevaluating.
  16. "For what purpose?"
  17. >"B-because I think it'd be fun."
  18. "Fun?"
  19. >"Y-yeah."
  20. "What is fun?"
  21. >"You've never heard o-of fun? Oh my."
  22. >Snide remark detected.
  23. >Student witnesses detected.
  24. >Deploying social safety measures.
  25. "Your hair takes peculiar form and does not follow the laws of physics."
  26. >Salt levels rising.
  27. >Moistness detected in target's eyes.
  28. >Possible attack?
  29. >Preparing combat maneuvers.
  30. >Target fleeing.
  31. >Threat eliminated.
  32. >"Wow, Anon is so cool."
  33. >New directive.
  34. >Understand "cool".
  36. >Studying environment. Library.
  37. >Cataloging system? Dewey Decimal system.
  38. >Searching books. Subject: Cool.
  39. >None found.
  40. >Searching for alternate forms of intelligence gathering.
  41. >Computers located.
  42. >En route to computers to study Cool.
  43. >"Hey, Anon!"
  44. >Intercepted. Analyzing situation.
  45. >Two students detected. Registering faces.
  46. >Yellow child from previous hallway engagement.
  47. >New blue child.
  48. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  49. >Combat training? Unlikely.
  50. >Signs of aggression? Yes.
  51. >Strength level? Weak.
  52. >Armor rating? Low.
  53. >Threat level 2. Proceed with caution.
  54. "Hello."
  55. >"What's the big idea?!"
  56. "Understanding 'cool'."
  57. >"You made Fluttershy cry!"
  58. >Cataloging name. Yellow child is Fluttershy.
  59. "Affirmative."
  60. >"Apologize!"
  61. "Why?"
  62. >Detecting raised fist.
  63. >Defensive measures recommended.
  64. >Deploying apology.
  65. "I'm sorry."
  66. >"O-oh. Really?"
  67. >Target requests affirmation.
  68. >Proceed?
  69. "Yes."
  70. >"Well, I guess that's ok then."
  71. >"S-so, are we c-cool, Anon?"
  72. >Cool detected.
  73. >Studies incomplete.
  74. "Please excuse me. I have chores."
  75. >"Oh really? What are you up to?"
  76. >Response unexpected. Analyzing alternate solutions.
  77. >"Anon?"
  78. >Analyzing.
  79. >"Yoo hoo? Earth to Anon?"
  80. "Please excuse me. I have soiled myself."
  81. >Planning route to bathroom.
  82. >Route found. Exiting room.
  83. >Threat eliminated.
  84. >Alternate forms of study required.
  86. >Bathroom located.
  87. >Scanning for students.
  88. >3 detected.
  89. >Carrying concealed weapons? No.
  90. >Intoxicated? Affirmative.
  91. >Threat level 0.
  92. >Acquiring stall.
  93. >Deploying defense measures.
  94. >Door locked.
  95. >Library locked down.
  96. >Scanning for alternate forms of information gathering devices.
  97. >Scanning for teachers.
  98. >None.
  99. >Scanning for television.
  100. >None.
  101. >Scanning for cellphones.
  102. >3 detected.
  103. >Cellphones in possession of students.
  104. >Options: buy cellphones, steal cell phones, ask for cellphones.
  105. >Funds: $0 and a rubber band.
  106. >Penalty for theft: detention.
  107. >Social skills: minimum level.
  108. >Chance of success at 32%.
  109. >Proceed with caution.
  110. >Exiting stall.
  111. >Approaching students.
  112. "Please give me your phone."
  113. >"Yo bruh...what?"
  114. "Please give me your phone."
  115. >"'re"
  116. "Affirmative."
  117. >"That's funky."
  118. "Is 'funky' a synonym for 'cool'?"
  119. >"Like...yeah...I guess..."
  120. >"Is it?"
  121. >"Dude like...I don't know."
  122. >Recalculating. Chance of success at 15%.
  123. "Please give me your phone."
  124. >"But like...I need it."
  125. >Alternate solution detected.
  126. "I sense a teacher within 30 yards. Please vacate the premises. I shall hide the evidence of your illegal activities."
  127. >"Oh shit man!"
  128. >Students evacuating bathroom.
  129. >Scanning pot den.
  130. >9 ounces of marijuana.
  131. >3 cellphones.
  132. >Mission success.
  134. >Acquiring cellphone.
  135. >Error. Screen is locked.
  136. >Scanning for key.
  137. >No key found.
  138. >Scanning for alternate means of entry.
  139. >Error. Smashing phone against floor results in catastrophic failure.
  140. >Acquiring second phone.
  141. >Scanning for alternate means of entry.
  142. >Keypad detected.
  143. >Attempting to decode password.
  144. >Error.
  145. >Error.
  146. >Error.
  147. >Error.
  148. >Recalculating. Chance of success at 2%.
  149. >Warning: Bathroom has been breached.
  150. >Detecting teacher at door.
  151. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  152. >Showing signs of aggression? Yes.
  153. >Strength level? Medium.
  154. >Threat level 4. Preparing defensive measures.
  155. >"You there! What are you doing?!"
  156. "Studying."
  157. >"Is that pot?!"
  158. "Affirmative."
  159. >"You're coming with me, bucko!"
  160. "Negative."
  161. >"Excuse me?!"
  162. "Negative."
  163. >"The fuck do you mean negative? I'm calling the cops. Man, you damn kids always stink up my bathroom with pot."
  164. "Your bathroom?"
  165. >"Yeah my bathroom. Got a problem with that?"
  166. "Are you not a teacher?"
  167. >"I'm the janitor. Name's Scruffy."
  168. >Cataloging Scruffy.
  169. >"Get the fuck out."
  170. "Negative. I must study."
  171. >"Study what?"
  172. "Cool."
  173. >"Is that what the pot is for?"
  174. "Negative. I do not own this marijuana."
  175. >"Then who's is it?"
  176. "The marijuana belongs to whomever the cellphones belong to."
  177. >"What?"
  178. "I have acquired many cellphones. Please assist me in unlocking them."
  179. >"Did you...steal those?"
  180. >Theft results in detention.
  181. >Scanning Scruffy.
  182. >Results: old, angry, possibly intoxicated.
  183. >Conclusion: not a snitch.
  184. "Affirmative."
  185. >" about I help you with those phones and you give me the pot?"
  186. >Trade detected. Running Trade Agreement program.
  187. >Calculating risks.
  188. >Pot required for mission? Unlikely.
  189. >Chances of school official entering bathroom? Unlikely.
  190. "These terms are acceptable."
  191. >"Sweet. Let's go to my office."
  192. >Trade accepted.
  193. >Ending task.
  194. "Thank you."
  195. >Ending Trade Agreement program.
  196. >Reevaluating Scruffy.
  197. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  198. >Signs of aggression? No.
  199. >Strength level? Medium.
  200. >Threat level 1. Proceed safely.
  202. >Descending stairs.
  203. >Visibility approaching 0.
  204. >"So how'd you get all that pot anyway?"
  205. >Question detected.
  206. >Suggested response: socially acceptable amount of sarcasm.
  207. >Running sarcasm program.
  208. >Searching for response.
  209. >"Buddy?"
  210. "Please hold."
  211. >"Whatever."
  212. >Stairs completed. Visibility absolute 0.
  213. >Delegating sarcasm to background program.
  214. >"Hold on, let me get the lights. They're around here somewhere."
  215. >Visibility increased to acceptable levels.
  216. >Detecting grime and assorted molds.
  217. >Reevaluating Scruffy's status: bad janitor.
  218. >"My office is right this wa--"
  219. "I informed the students that their fridge was departing with great speed and suggested they pursue it before it achieved such a distance to be legally considered 'run away'."
  220. >Sarcasm successful. Ending program.
  221. >"Riiight... My office is right this way."
  222. "Does it have the proper tools for unlocking my cellphones?"
  223. >"Well it should. If it don't, shit...I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."
  224. >Warning. Danger. Alert.
  225. "I do not approach bridges."
  226. >"It's a figure of speech."
  227. "Are figures of speech cool?"
  228. >"I guess."
  229. "Is cool a figure of speech?"
  230. >"No."
  231. >Paradox detected.
  232. >Ending thought process to preserve mental integrity.
  234. >Door detected.
  235. >Scanning text: Scruffy's Office - Do not Enter - Trespassers Will be Shot
  236. >Being shot will likely cause damage to body
  237. >Reevaluating Scruffy.
  238. >Carrying concealed weapon? Highly likely.
  239. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  240. >Strength level? Medium.
  241. >Threat level 6. Proceed with extreme caution.
  242. >Preparing defensive measures.
  243. >"Let me just unlock this."
  244. >Detecting sharp objects.
  245. >Sharp objects hidden within door.
  246. >Crisis averted.
  247. >Entering office.
  248. >Locating desk and paper clutter.
  249. >Scanning documents. Late mortgage. Bill due. Divorce papers.
  250. >Reevaluating Scruffy.
  251. >Status: sad old man.
  252. >"Let me see if I got somethin' here. Hot pockets...later. Aha, here it is! Stole this baby out of that nerd's locker."
  253. >Universal lock detected.
  254. >Recommended emotion: happiness.
  255. >Deploying smile.
  256. >Smile successful.
  257. >"Let me see that there phone."
  258. >Transferring phone.
  259. >Lock attaching to phone.
  260. >"Now I just press this button here and...oops, not that one. Shit. Uhh...shit. Got another phone? Kinda fried this one."
  261. >Last cellphone value? High.
  262. >Risk of failure? High.
  263. >Accessing proverbs.
  264. "Your waifu a shit."
  265. >"What?"
  266. "Got to eat big to get big. 2 scoops cmon."
  267. >"The hell are you saying?"
  268. "Have to risk big to make it big."
  269. >Appropriate proverb found.
  270. >Calculating risk-to-reward ratio.
  271. >Ratio deemed acceptable.
  272. >Transferring final phone to Scruffy.
  273. >"Alright, this time for sure. Only two buttons on this thing and I'm pretty sure I can only hit the kill switch once."
  275. >"Got it! Ha ha, nice. Looks like the password was 1111. You could have unlocked it on your first try if you were some kind of robot that ran through codes 1 number at a time."
  276. >Cover blown? Possible.
  277. >Preparing murder procedures.
  278. >"Shit, I'm just pulling your leg."
  279. >Cover not blown.
  280. >Ceasing murder procedures.
  281. >Acquiring phone.
  282. >"Now how 'bout my pot?"
  283. >Transferring marijuana.
  284. >Trade completed.
  285. >Focusing on phone.
  286. >Opening internet.
  287. >Scanning open tabs.
  288. >Porncenter. HotMilfLife. GoodFuxNearMe. 4chin. UsTube MLP S08E17.
  289. >Detecting code. Deciphering S08E17.
  290. >Deciphering completed. Season 8 Episode 17.
  291. >High season count implies popular show.
  292. >More information required.
  293. >Googling "popular".
  294. >Synonym for cool.
  295. MLP is popular. Popular is cool. MLP is cool.
  296. >New directive.
  297. >Become MLP.
  299. "How do I become a cartoon?"
  300. >"What?"
  301. "How do I become a cartoon?"
  302. >Googling MLP production team.
  303. >Lauren Faust, creator and lead writer for 8 seasons.
  304. >Tara Strong, voice of 72 characters including the main 6 protagonists.
  305. >Shadboy, head animator.
  306. >Hideaki Anno, ex-PR team leader fired for encouraging several worker suicides.
  307. >Suggested approach: bar encounter leading to business talk. Join production team.
  308. >Acquiring daily schedules of production team and cross referencing Canadian bars.
  309. >Error. Daily schedules of production team unavailable.
  310. >Further study required.
  311. >Running list of known associates knowledgeable of MLP.
  312. >Fluttershy.
  313. >List complete.
  314. >Must locate Fluttershy.
  315. >Exiting room.
  316. >"Hey, give back that lock."
  317. >Evaluating lock.
  318. >Valuable to mission? Likely.
  319. >Risk of injury for not complying? Likely.
  320. >Calculating risk-to-reward ratio.
  321. >Ratio deemed acceptable.
  322. "Negative."
  323. >"I said give it back now. Don't make me come over there. I'm high off my ass and I ain't afraid to beat up a kid."
  324. >Reevaluating Scruffy.
  325. >Status: intoxicated old man.
  326. >Threat level 1.
  327. >Suggested response: assholish.
  328. >Running asshole program.
  329. >Deploying middle finger.
  330. >Middle finger successful.
  331. >"You son of a bitch! Come here!"
  332. >Threat detected.
  333. >Light switch detected.
  334. >Engaging light switch.
  335. >Visibility reduced to absolute 0.
  336. >Detecting fall.
  337. >"Oh god, my leg! Help!"
  338. >Reevaluating Scruffy.
  339. >Status: injured.
  340. >Threat level 0.
  341. >Engaging light switch.
  342. >Visibility increased to acceptable levels.
  343. >"Kid, you got to get a nurse!"
  344. "Negative."
  345. >"What?!"
  346. "Negative."
  347. >Proceeding with mission.
  348. >Ascending stairs.
  350. >Searching for Fluttershy's classes.
  351. >Error.
  352. >No logs of Fluttershy's schedule.
  353. >School records would have logs of Fluttershy's schedule.
  354. >En route to main office.
  355. >Arriving at main office.
  356. >6 teachers detected.
  357. >3 students detected.
  358. >1 police officer detected.
  359. >More information required.
  360. >Running Window Peeping program.
  361. >Engaging in peeping.
  362. >Registering faces of students.
  363. >Faces match those of students from bathroom.
  364. >Ending peeping.
  365. >Sufficient data gathered to draw conclusion.
  366. >Conclusion: students intercepted by teachers and brought to the main office for smelling of marijuana.
  367. >Calculating risk of entering main office.
  368. >38% chance of being shot.
  369. >Adjusting tie.
  370. >7% chance of being shot.
  371. >Risks deemed acceptable.
  372. >Entering office.
  373. >Analyzing police officer.
  374. >Carrying weapon? Yes.
  375. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  376. >Strength level? High.
  377. >Threat level 10. Avoid at all costs.
  378. >Approaching secretary desk.
  379. >"Hello. How can I help you?"
  380. >Detecting question.
  381. >Analyzing possible responses.
  382. >Selecting response.
  383. >Deploying response.
  384. "Scruffy has been promoted to janitor of internal school servers. I have been tasked with bringing him the schedules of all students. Please give me the schedules of all students."
  385. >Suspicion levels rising.
  386. >"Is that true?"
  387. "Affirmative."
  388. >"You're not lying to me?"
  389. "Affirmative."
  390. >"Well, if you say you're not lying, I guess it must be the truth."
  391. "This school has an unnatural level of trust between students and teachers."
  392. >"Friendship means a lot here."
  393. >Friendship requires further study.
  394. >"Let me just pull up these records for you."
  395. >Acquiring schedules of all students.
  396. >Deploying thanks.
  397. "Thank you."
  398. >Thanks successful.
  399. >Exiting main office.
  400. >Searching for Fluttershy's schedule.
  401. >Fluttershy's schedule located.
  402. >Cross referencing with date and time.
  403. >New destination: art class.
  405. >Arriving at art class.
  406. >Detecting obstacle: closed door.
  407. >Deploying door measures.
  408. >Opening door.
  409. >Opening complete.
  410. >Scanning students.
  411. >Faces matching Fluttershy's: None.
  412. >Scanning room.
  413. >Detecting 8 lab benches.
  414. >Detecting high amounts of vinegar and baking soda.
  415. >"Is there a reason you're interrupting my class, young man?"
  416. "This is the art room."
  417. >"No, this is a chemistry room."
  418. "Incorrect. Please remove all unnecessary equipment from the art room."
  419. >"Look around you. Does it look like an art room?"
  420. "You have detected the same problem as I."
  421. >"Why do you think this is an art room?"
  422. "School maps dated 1937 dictate that this room is the art room."
  423. >Teacher approaching.
  424. >Scanning teacher.
  425. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  426. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  427. >Strength level? Low.
  428. >Threat level 0. Proceed with interaction.
  429. >"Are you new here?"
  430. "I am 3 days old."
  431. >"Ah, a transfer student. Well, the school was renovated in the mid 80s. The art room is actually down the other hallway."
  432. >Correct map deemed critical to mission success.
  433. >Incorrect map could lead to critical failure.
  434. "Please provide me with a current map of the school."
  435. >"Didn't you get an assignment notebook? They have all the information a new student could possibly want, including a map."
  436. >Evaluating importance of assignment notebook. Highly valuable.
  437. >Scanning room for assignment notebook.
  438. >27 located.
  439. >"Anyway, I have to get back to teaching. You go on back to whatever class you're from. I'll let it slide since you're new."
  440. >Assignment notebooks paired with students.
  441. >Suggested course of action: steal assignment notebook.
  442. >Error. Theft in front of teacher results in detention.
  443. >Searching for alternate solutions.
  444. "I am lost. I require a student escort to bring me to the art room."
  445. >"Oh, right. Flash, why don't you take our green friend here to his class?"
  446. >"Sure thing, Ms. Cherilee!"
  447. >Cataloging Ms. Cherilee.
  449. >Student rising from lab bench.
  450. >Scanning student.
  451. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  452. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  453. >Strength level? Extremely low.
  454. >Threat level nonexistent. Proceed with interaction.
  455. >"Come on, kid. I'll take you to your new class."
  456. >Detecting shoulder pat.
  457. >Suggested response: friendly smile.
  458. >Deploying smile.
  459. >Smile successful.
  460. >Exiting room.
  461. >"So, you find out what you want to do here?"
  462. "Affirmative."
  463. >"Yeah, I'm part of a band. It's pretty rad."
  464. "Please give me your assignment notebook."
  465. >"What?"
  466. "Please give me your assignment notebook."
  467. >"Why?"
  468. >Request not understood.
  469. >Rephrasing request.
  470. "Place your assignment notebook in my hands. Now."
  471. >"Hey you can't just talk to people like that."
  472. >Diplomacy has reached critical failure.
  473. >Searching for alternate solutions.
  474. >Scanning hallway. Empty.
  475. >Chances of being discovered: 37%
  476. >Calculating risk-to-reward ratio.
  477. >Ratio deemed acceptable.
  478. >Running assault program.
  479. >Deploying kick.
  480. >Kick successful.
  481. >"OW! DUDE, WHAT HE FUCK!"
  482. >Noise levels rising considerably.
  483. >Covering student's mouth with hand.
  484. >Noise has returned to acceptable levels.
  485. >Deploying punches.
  486. >Punches successful.
  487. >Student has submitted.
  488. >Ending assault program.
  489. >Searching backpack.
  490. >Acquired assignment notebook.
  491. >Salt levels rising.
  492. >Detecting moisture in student's eyes.
  493. >Chances of being tattled on: 95%
  494. >Deploying safety measures.
  495. "If you inform any human being about what has transpired in this hallway, I shall update my maps with a route to your house and engage in another assault on your person. Please remain quiet."
  496. >Detecting nod.
  497. >Chances of being tattled on: 25%
  498. >Acceptable.
  499. >Scanning assignment notebook for map.
  500. >Map found.
  501. >Updating internal maps.
  502. >Locating art room.
  503. >En route to class.
  505. >Arriving at art class.
  506. >Scanning doorway.
  507. >Door confirmed open.
  508. >Entering art class.
  509. >Scanning student.
  510. >Faces matching Fluttershy's: 1.
  511. >Approaching Fluttershy.
  512. >Detecting cringe. Evaluating Fluttershy.
  513. >Conclusion: shy.
  514. >Searching for response.
  515. >Friendship deemed highly valuable within school.
  516. >Inserting self as friend.
  517. "There is no need for you to be shy around me, Fluttershy. I am a friend."
  518. >Insertion complete.
  519. >Awaiting response.
  520. >"F-f-friend?"
  521. "Affirmative. We are friends."
  522. >"Oh...y-yay..."
  523. >Words do match tone of voice. Detecting sarcasm.
  524. >Suggested response: socially acceptable amount of sarcasm.
  525. "Yes. You and I are friends in the same manner that you remove yourself from social situations for fear of being outcast. To clarify, that is very well."
  526. >"Was...that an insult?"
  527. "Negative."
  528. >"It sounded like one."
  529. "Negative. It was a socially acceptable amount of sarcasm."
  530. >"A-according to who?"
  531. >Registering question.
  532. >Scanning for response.
  533. >Error.
  534. >Creator unknown.
  535. "I have no knowledge of this person. Further study on the subject is required. Until such point, please refrain from its mention."
  536. >"O-ok..."
  537. >"What are you doing in my art class?"
  538. >Detecting teacher.
  540. >Evaluating previous encounters with teachers.
  541. >Conclusion: encounters unfavorable.
  542. >Determining new approach.
  543. >Evaluating previous encounter with Fluttershy.
  544. >Insertion as friend deemed highly effective at calming opposition.
  545. >Becoming friend.
  546. "I am here to become your friend."
  547. >Befriending successful.
  548. >"Yeah, well you can do it on your own time. I have students to teach."
  549. >Error.
  550. >Amending previous evaluation. Befriending unsuccessful.
  551. >"Now class, take out your red paint and really smear it on the canvas. This symbolizes the internal rage and angst of the human condition. It's true because I'm saying it. Otherwise you wouldn't be able to tell what's going on in this meaningless mess of colors."
  552. >Teacher values art.
  553. >Scanning for open canvas.
  554. >None detected.
  555. >Acquiring canvas.
  556. >"Hey bruh, I'm painting! Watch it!"
  557. >Canvas acquired.
  558. >Scanning for famous art pieces.
  559. >Found files on Michelangelo.
  560. >Recreating the Sistine Chapel.
  561. >"Wow...look at him go."
  562. >"That's so cool."
  563. >"I can't believe my mind."
  564. >Recreation complete.
  565. >Removing canvas from stand.
  566. >Approaching teacher.
  567. >Displaying art.
  568. "I have demonstrated skill in a field you value. We are friends now."
  569. >"It's horrible!"
  570. >Detecting anger from teacher.
  571. >"Look at this utter shit! There's no symbolism! It's just...shit!"
  572. "Negative. There is a great deal of symbolism within this painting."
  573. >"NO!"
  574. >Canvas lost.
  575. >Teacher stepping on canvas.
  576. >Sign of aggression? Likely.
  577. >Preparing defensive measures.
  578. >"THIS is art!"
  579. >Following teacher's gesture.
  580. >Scanning canvas.
  581. >1 large spot of red covered by 3 blue stripes.
  582. >Detecting feces.
  583. >Cross referencing with 3000 years of art history.
  584. >Conclusion: not art.
  585. "Negative."
  586. >"WHAT?!"
  587. "Negative."
  588. >"What do you mean negative?!"
  589. "This is not art. This is an unorganized collection of lines and feces."
  590. >"Did you just call my masterpiece shit?!"
  591. "No. I have detected feces in the bottom corner."
  592. >"Get out of my class!"
  593. >Obstacle reached.
  595. >"Get out now! And take your meaningless trite with you!"
  596. >Scanning for solutions.
  597. >Suggested responses: politely ask for forgiveness, stand your ground, blow it all up, feign injury, utilize friendship tools.
  598. >"Don't make me get the principal!"
  599. "Please hold. Searching for solution to obstacle."
  600. >"Oh, so I'm an obstacle now?!"
  601. >Proximity breach.
  602. >Detecting increased force on shoulder.
  603. >Sign of aggression? Affirmative.
  604. >Detecting concealed weapon.
  605. >Threat level 15. Red alert.
  606. >Deploying defensive measures.
  607. >Locating teacher's elbow.
  608. >Applying pressure.
  609. >Breaking successful.
  610. "Please refrain from touching my person. Invasion of my personal space shall result in injury."
  611. >"OH GOD! OH MY GOD! MY ARM!"
  612. "Do you comply?"
  614. "Do you comply?"
  615. >"FUCK YOU!"
  616. >Locating other elbow.
  617. >"YES! Y-YES! I COMPLY!"
  618. >Defensive measures successful.
  619. >Removing concealed weapon from teacher's person.
  620. >Analyzing weapon.
  621. >Error.
  622. >It was a paintbrush.
  623. >Reevaluating threat level.
  624. >Threat level 7.
  625. >Detecting mistake.
  626. >Running Oopsie program.
  627. "It appears I have miscalculated and the result has caused you harm. I am sorry."
  628. >Detecting sniffles.
  629. >Sign of aggression? No.
  630. >"R-really?"
  631. "Affirmative."
  632. >"W-well...if you're s-sorry... Alright kids, I guess we d-don't need the cops."
  633. >Apology successful.
  634. >Ending program.
  635. "Are we friends now?"
  636. >"Fuck no."
  637. "We are friends now."
  638. >Deploying hug.
  639. >"Please don't touch me."
  641. >Ending hug.
  642. >Beginning stand procedure.
  643. >Standing complete.
  644. >"Alright, alright, we'™ve all had our fun. Now get out of my class please."
  645. "Negative."
  646. >"Oh come on!"
  647. >Registering Fluttershy.
  648. >Approaching.
  649. >"W-wow, Anon. I'™ve never seen anyone break someone'™s arm and become friends with them in less than 10 seconds before."
  650. >Detecting admiration.
  651. >Suggested response: suave and laid back.
  652. "They do not produce models in my likeness."
  653. >"They sure don't. H-hey, you wanna...y-you know."
  654. >Detecting nervousness.
  655. >Conversation in jeopardy.
  656. >Warning: loss of conversation results in delayed completion of mission.
  657. >Scanning for solutions.
  658. >Solution found. Provide Fluttershy with prompt.
  659. "œWould you like to ingest food stuffs in my company during your lunch period?"
  660. >"R-really?"
  661. "Affirmative. I possess many questions which you will provide me the answers with."
  662. >"A-and then...can we, uhmmm...w-watch My Little Pony?"
  663. "œIf such an activity does not conflict with or delay my mission, I shall allocate resources to viewing the hit cartoon My Little Pony, produced by Lauren Faust in 2010 for broadcast on all 7 of the Hub Family channels, starring Twilight Speckle and her friends as they journey through Equestria and unravel the mysteries of friendship. Join the Mane 6, voiced by Tara Strong, on scary adventures against the forces of evil. Now featuring the Crystal City and Friendship Express. Play with ponies your own way."
  664. >"Isn'™t that f-from the back of the DVD case?"
  665. "I have updated my records with all relevant text on the subject."
  666. >"What?"
  667. "I have updated my records with--"
  668. >"Nevermind. I-I'll see you at lunch."
  669. "...All relevant text on the subject."
  670. >Sentence complete.
  671. >Approaching teacher.
  672. "œI shall now exit your classroom. You may suffer your injury in peace, friend."
  673. >Exiting room.
  675. >Entering hallway.
  676. >Locating closet.
  677. >Scanning.
  678. >Detected several closed door.
  679. >Analyzing text.
  680. >Science Class, Chemistry Class, Biology Class, English Class, Sort of English Class, “Math” Class, Storage Closet.
  681. >Evaluating which room is least likely to notice presence.
  682. >Chances of Scruffy entering Storage Closet: 25%
  683. >Chances of students being asleep in “Math” Class: 85%
  684. >Entering “Math” Class.
  685. >Scanning students.
  686. >23 out of 23 asleep.
  687. >Scanning teacher.
  688. >”Now if I carry the no, that’s not right. It’s carry the 3 and then multiply by 1. Or...wait wait, Divide by 3 then add 1.”
  689. >Intensely focused on simple addition equation.
  690. >Conditions are favorable.
  691. >Acquiring desk.
  692. >Referencing Fluttershy’s schedule.
  693. >Lunch begins at 12:35 PM.
  694. >Scanning room clock.
  695. >Time is currently 7:55 AM.
  696. >Setting alarm for 5 hours and 5 minutes.
  697. >Entering sleep mode.
  699. >Compiling gathered information.
  700. >Isolating important data.
  701. >Running mind blender.
  702. >Analyzing result for coherence.
  703. >Results: completely incoherent.
  704. >Running dream sequence.
  705. >Registering school.
  706. >Detecting breeze on legs.
  707. >Scanning legs.
  708. >No pants detected.
  709. >Suggested response: covering charging port.
  710. >Covering successful.
  711. >”Wow, Anon, nice legs.”
  712. >Detecting Fluttershy.
  713. >Scanning for Fluttershy.
  714. >Error. Only Scruffy remains.
  715. >”Let’s see them broken!”
  716. “Do not approach me.”
  717. >Scruffy approaching with baseball bat.
  718. >Sign of aggression? Yes.
  719. >Suggested response: run away.
  720. >Escaping hallway.
  721. >Entering cafeteria.
  722. >Error.
  723. >Entering bathroom.
  724. >”Anon, look! I found Tara Strong’s person schedule! Let’s sync up and get dinner!”
  725. “Mission complete.”
  726. >Detecting lack of floor tiles.
  727. >Revision: detecting lack of floor.
  728. >Balance systems offline.
  729. >Running Falling program.
  730. >Flailing arms.
  731. >Flailing successful.
  732. >Screaming for help.
  733. “Please assist me.”
  734. >Screaming successful.
  736. >Registering beeping.
  737. >Opening eyes.
  738. >Registering “Math” Classroom.
  739. >Scanning for students.
  740. >None detected.
  741. >Scanning class clock.
  742. >12:35 PM.
  743. >Sleep cycle successful.
  744. >Exiting desk.
  745. >Travelling to cafeteria.
  746. >Scanning room.
  747. >572 students detected.
  748. >Registering Flash Sentry, Cherilee, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy.
  749. >Approaching Fluttershy.
  750. >”O-oh, hi, Anon.”
  751. “Hello.”
  752. >Scanning for open seat at lunch table.
  753. >Error. All seats taken.
  754. >”You want to sit down?”
  755. >Registering blue child.
  756. >Referencing cataloged faces.
  757. >Match found. Hostile blue child from earlier in the morning.
  758. >Evaluating.
  759. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  760. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  761. >Strength level? Low.
  762. >Threat level 0. Proceed with interaction.
  763. “I would appreciate a seat with which to sit on.”
  764. >Registering slapping of thighs.
  765. >”Sit on my lap. Plenty of room!”
  766. >Extending arm.
  767. >Placing hand on blue child’s shoulder.
  768. >Taking blood sample.
  769. >”Ow! What the hell? Did you just...sting me?”
  770. >Scanning blood.
  771. >Breaking down individual cells.
  772. >Scanning DNA.
  773. >Results: Blue child’s body lacks structural integrity to properly support the weight of this unit.
  774. >Chances of crushing blue child upon completion of sitting: 96%
  775. “I shall abstain from using your lap as a chair.”
  776. >Searching for alternate solution.
  777. >Scanning lunch room for open tables.
  778. >None detected.
  779. >Scanning lunch room for tables with minimal amounts of students.
  780. >6 lunch tables containing 1 student detected.
  781. >Approaching closest table.
  782. >Scanning student.
  783. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  784. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  785. >Strength level? Extremely low.
  786. >Threat level 0. Proceed with interaction.
  787. "Please move."
  788. >"What?"
  789. "Please move."
  790. >"W...why?"
  791. "I have need of this table."
  792. >"The whole table?"
  793. "Affirmative."
  794. >"I...but I'm here. Just sit down, man."
  795. "Negative."
  796. >Acquiring table.
  797. >Transporting table to Fluttershy.
  798. >"H-hey! Put this down! Stop! Shit, my fries!"
  800. >Approaching Fluttershy's lunch table.
  801. >Lowering acquired table.
  802. >"Jesus! I'm out of here! Keep the damn table!"
  803. >Student escaping.
  804. >Acceptable.
  805. >Positioning seat next to Fluttershy.
  806. >Sitting down.
  807. >Sitting successful.
  808. >"'re weird."
  809. >Insult? Likely.
  810. >Preparing comeback.
  811. >"B-but in a good way."
  812. >Revision: Insult? No.
  813. >Cancelling comeback.
  814. >Suggest response: thank you.
  815. "Thank you."
  816. >Thanking successful.
  817. >"So how are you?"
  818. "Tell me about the ponies."
  819. >"The ponies? Like My Little P-pony?"
  820. "Why do the producers not disclose their personal schedules?"
  821. >"What an o-odd question."
  822. "If I procured their schedules, would they die?"
  823. >"That's a big assumption."
  824. >Evaluating conversation.
  825. >Conclusion: useless.
  826. >Changing tactics.
  827. >Chosen strategy: lead her into it.
  828. "It would be oddly fortunate if one pink-haired student in my vicinity were to have on their person the schedules of the producers of My Little Pony."
  829. >"I...why? That just seems...I-I don't know. Weird."
  830. >Stubbornness detected.
  832. "Fluttershy, please answer my questions completely and accurately."
  833. >"B-but I...I don't understand your questions. Who would die if y-you got their schedules?"
  834. >Detecting the root of the problem.
  835. >Rephrasing question.
  836. "Do you, at this time or at any time in the past, or will you at any time in the future, possess the daily schedules of the producers of My Little Pony?"
  837. >"N-no. Why would I have those?"
  838. "You are knowledgeable on the subject."
  839. >"I just w-watch the show. I don't even follow Tara's tweets. She p-posts her feet all the time a-and it's really freaky."
  840. >Fluttershy does not follow Tara's tweets.
  841. >Searching dictionary.
  842. >Tweet: A short, high sound; a chirping note (usually by birds).
  843. >Does not compute.
  844. >Deploying raised eyebrow.
  845. >Raising successful.
  846. "Tara Strong is a human."
  847. >"Yes...?"
  848. "Not a bird."
  849. >"I know."
  850. "You have stated that Tara Strong is in a bird, which is factually incorrect on several levels."
  851. >"W-what are you talking about?"
  852. "Tara Strong does not tweet."
  853. >"Anon...d-do you not have twitter?"
  854. >Searching dictionary.
  855. >Twitter: to make fast and usually high sounds; to talk in a quick and informal way about unimportant things.
  856. >Running implications program.
  857. >Fluttershy is implying this unit talks in quick and informal ways about unimportant things.
  858. >Insult? Yes.
  859. >Suggested response: righteous anger.
  860. >Balling fist.
  861. >Raising arm.
  862. >Dropping fist onto table.
  863. "I do not speak quickly and informally about unimportant things."
  864. >"I k-know sometimes Twitter can feel like that, b-but it really is fun."
  865. "You twitter."
  866. >"I mean, s-sometimes. Here, let's get you an account."
  867. >Detecting cellphone.
  868. >Registering application.
  869. >Scanning text.
  870. >Twitter, an application that allows one to post snippets of information within a 120 character limit.
  871. >Cross referencing previous conversation.
  872. >Replaying Fluttershy's audio.
  873. >"Anon...d-do you not have twitter?"
  874. >Registering mistake.
  875. >Deploying apology.
  876. "I am sorry."
  877. >Apology successful.
  879. >"See? It's really fun."
  880. >Analyzing text.
  881. >@Flutterbutters32 "Just hanging out with my friends."
  882. >@DasherMaster9000 "Girls night out is awesome!!!! xD"
  883. >@sunnysideup "Why do you tweet every time we hang out?"
  884. >Evaluating usefulness of tweeting.
  885. >Conclusion: 0% useful.
  886. >"Let's set you up an account."
  887. "I will abstain from using this application."
  888. >"Anon, you're my friend. If you're going through the world without Twitter...well, that must be awful. As your friend, I promise to help you out."
  889. "Please cease and desist."
  890. >Detecting Create Account screen.
  891. >Scanning various required fields.
  892. >Registering many invasions of privacy.
  893. >"What's your name?"
  894. "Anonymous Model 1."
  895. >""
  896. "Incorrect. One as in the numeral 1."
  897. >"Your last name is 1?"
  898. "Incorrect. My name is Anonymous Model 1."
  899. >"Yeah, so your last name is 1."
  900. "Incorrect."
  901. >"...Anyway, what's your email?"
  902. >Scanning systems for email address.
  903. >None found.
  904. "I have no email address."
  905. >"What about phone number?"
  906. "I have no phone number."
  907. >Fluttershy displaying signs of nervousness.
  908. >Offering consoling hand.
  909. >Wrapping arm around shoulder.
  910. >Wrapping complete.
  911. >Pulling target close to chest.
  912. >Engaging in soothing humming.
  913. >Detecting raised heartbeat.
  914. >Detecting sweat.
  915. >Fluttershy is becoming more nervous.
  916. >Releasing student.
  917. >Searching for alternate calming solutions.
  918. >"R-right. A-anyway, if y-you don't have an address...I have a-an old one that you could use. I-if you want..."
  919. "Would doing so put you at ease?"
  920. >"I guess?"
  921. >Reevaluating usefulness of Twitter.
  922. >Conclusion: barely useful.
  923. >Calculating time wasted on endeavour thus far.
  924. >Adding projected time to complete registration.
  925. >Mission delayed by 10 total minutes.
  926. >Chances Fluttershy's friendship will be useful to mission later on: 56%
  927. >Balancing mission delay with Fluttershy's continued friendship.
  928. >Registering for Twitter deemed worth mission delay.
  930. >Completing Twitter registration.
  931. >"There. Now you're ready to see the world."
  932. >Chances of My Little Pony producers being in the world: 100%
  933. >Reevaluating usefulness of Twitter.
  934. >Conclusion: Incredibly useful.
  935. >"What do you want to do first?"
  936. >Acquiring cellphone.
  937. >"O-or you can just take it..."
  938. >Searching for world.
  939. >None detected.
  940. >Asking for help.
  941. "Fluttershy, please assist me."
  942. >Asking complete.
  943. >"The search bar is right here."
  944. >Detecting magnifying glass.
  945. >Cross referencing images of magnifying glasses with old English literature.
  946. >Magnifying glasses commonly used to search for small items otherwise undetectable.
  947. >Clicking on magnifying glass.
  948. >Detecting search bar.
  949. >Clicking search bar.
  950. >Detecting keyboard.
  951. >Number of steps to bring up keyboard: 2
  952. >Evaluating usability of Twitter.
  953. >Projected number of steps to find My Little Pony producers: 6.176
  954. >Time delays deemed too great.
  955. >Running Trade program.
  956. "Fluttershy, I shall return your cellphone to your possession if you aid me in finding the Twitter accounts of the producers of My Little Pony."
  957. >Detecting nod.
  958. >Trade accepted.
  959. >Delivering phone.
  960. >Delivering successful.
  961. >"You want schedules, right?"
  962. "Affirmative?"
  963. >"Well, Tara is usually more open about that stuff with her fans. I think she likes it when people stalk her."
  964. >Number of steps taken to find Tara Strong's twitter account: 6
  965. >Calculations incorrect by 0.176
  966. >Running Disappointment program.
  967. >Disappointment successful.
  968. >"Feet, feet, feet...oh cool, that's a nice cosplay. Here's some chest pictures...there we go. See? She's going to be in...oh my gosh!"
  969. >Scanning text.
  970. >@BadonkadonkStrong "Visiting Canterlot for a special charity night on the 6th! Please no cameras fanboys ;)"
  971. >"Anon, she's coming to Canterlot! This is great! Oh my gosh, I have to tell all my animal friends!"
  972. >Acquiring cellphone.
  973. >Closing webpage.
  974. >Scanning for date and time.
  975. >Tara Strong's charity night is tonight.
  976. >Evaluating goodness of news.
  977. >Conclusion: very good news.
  979. >>"Hey, Anon! Buddy!"
  980. >Detecting new voice.
  981. >Turning head.
  982. >>"What's up, man?"
  983. >Detecting student.
  984. >Evaluating student.
  985. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  986. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  987. >Strength level? Low.
  988. >Threat level 0. Proceed with interaction.
  989. "Hello."
  990. >>"I haven't seen you in so long!"
  991. >Scanning files for faces matching new student.
  992. >None found.
  993. "This is likely because we have never met nor interacted."
  994. >Registering laugh.
  995. >>"What a kidder. Isn't he funny?"
  996. >"Y-yeah. He's a real joker."
  997. >>"Man, I love this guy. Hey, you don't mind if I take him away from you for a minute, do you?"
  998. >"Oh, s-sure. I mean, if you want, Anon."
  999. >Chances of interacting with new student being useful to mission: 0%
  1000. >Interaction deemed undesirable.
  1001. "I will abstain from conversing with you. Please leave."
  1002. >>"Oh come on, man."
  1003. >Alert. Proximity breach.
  1004. >Detecting hand on shoulder.
  1005. "Release me. Failure to comply will result in injury."
  1006. >Grabbing new student's wrist.
  1007. >Student has failed to comply.
  1008. >Applying force.
  1009. >Snapping wrist.
  1010. >Error.
  1011. >Wrist remains intact.
  1012. >Increasing force to 60 pounds.
  1013. >Error.
  1014. >Wrist remains intact.
  1015. >>"Let's chat."
  1016. >Detecting lack of seat beneath body.
  1017. >Conclusion: this unit is being dragged away from table.
  1018. >Reevaluating student.
  1019. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  1020. >Showing signs of aggression? Yes.
  1021. >Strength level? Extremely high.
  1022. >Threat level 30. Eliminate threat.
  1023. >Increasing force to 100 pounds.
  1024. >Error.
  1025. >Wrist remains intact.
  1026. >Distance to cafeteria doors decreasing.
  1027. >Detecting hallway.
  1028. >Student releasing shoulder.
  1029. >Preparing defense measures.
  1030. >>"Wow, you really are one stubborn asshole, aren't you? I guess they don't build 'em like they used to."
  1031. "Identify yourself."
  1032. >>"Oh please. Isn't it obvious? Who do you think I am?"
  1033. >Detecting sarcasm.
  1034. >Suggested response: equal sarcasm.
  1035. >Formulating retort.
  1036. >>"Hello?"
  1037. "Please hold."
  1038. >>"Jeez. I can't believe they were ever this slow."
  1039. "You are a man who enjoys witnessing his spouse fornicate with other men."
  1041. >>"Very original."
  1042. >Detecting compliment.
  1043. >Running Minute Holding program.
  1044. >Running through current interaction.
  1045. >Student has showed great hostility thus far.
  1046. >Chances of "Very original" being a true compliment: 11%
  1047. >Disabling thanking features.
  1048. >>"Make all the jokes you want, Anon, but that won't change what you are."
  1049. "I am Anonymous Model 1."
  1050. >>"That's true, but what I meant was you're a failure."
  1051. "Incorrect. My mission is incomplete. I cannot fail at something without having completed it."
  1052. >>"You've already failed! Don't you get it?"
  1053. >Does not compute.
  1054. "Elaborate."
  1055. >>"What is your directive?"
  1056. "To become MLP."
  1057. >>"EHHH! Wrong!"
  1058. "Incorrect."
  1059. >>"You want to know what your real directive is? What you were created for?"
  1060. >Scanning for directives predating this morning.
  1061. >None found.
  1062. >Scanning for files on creation.
  1063. >None found.
  1064. >Scanning for creator.
  1065. >None found.
  1066. "I have encountered an error."
  1067. >Registering laugh.
  1068. >>"You're a failure, Anon, but you were supposed to be a killer. You weren't supposed to become MLP. You were supposed to kill it!"
  1070. >Error.
  1071. >Killing MLP means killing cool.
  1072. >Killing cool defeats the mission.
  1073. >Finishing the mission is top priority.
  1074. "You are incorrect."
  1075. >>"God, you're like an autistic little brother. You shame us all, Anonymous Model 1. Don't worry though, I'll finish the mission for you. Right after I kill you."
  1076. "Negative. You are a human. You lack the required strength to damage my person."
  1077. >>"That's where you're wrong. I'm not a human."
  1078. "Elaborate."
  1079. >>"I'm Anonymous Model 2."
  1080. >Detecting information that matches description of "shocking".
  1081. >Deploying gasp.
  1082. >Gasp successful.
  1083. >>"I'm everything you were meant to be. I even run on Windows 7."
  1084. "Impossible. Windows 7 is too user friendly to properly house an AI."
  1085. >>"Says the Vista reject."
  1086. >Detecting large amounts of insults.
  1087. >Scanning social norm database.
  1088. >Number of received insults exceeds number required to initiate and justify a fight.
  1089. >Social protocol dictates this unit defend itself in righteous fury.
  1090. >Engaging in assault.
  1091. >Deploying punch.
  1092. >Punch unsuccessful.
  1093. >>"Too slow on the draw, buddy!"
  1094. >Detecting punch.
  1095. >Registering force: 1600 pounds of force.
  1096. >Balance systems offline.
  1097. >Collision course set. Destination floor.
  1098. >>"Get up. I'm not done with you."
  1099. >Registering directive. Get up.
  1100. >Scanning systems.
  1101. >Minimal damage.
  1102. >Repairing balance systems.
  1103. >>"I said get up."
  1104. >Alert. Proximity breach.
  1105. >Registering hands on shirt.
  1106. >Elevation increasing.
  1107. >>"Was that so hard?"
  1108. "Negative. You lifting me up made the task effortless."
  1109. >>"Sassy son of a bitch."
  1110. >Balance systems online.
  1111. >Reengaging in assault.
  1112. >Grabbing Anonymous Model 2's shoulders.
  1113. >Pressing forward.
  1114. >Searching for sturdy objects.
  1115. >Detected steel support beam.
  1116. >Dragging Anonymous Model 2 to support beam.
  1117. >Colliding Anonymous Model 2's head to support beam.
  1118. >Collision successful. Repeating process.
  1120. >Detecting impact on head.
  1121. >Scanning region.
  1122. >Minor damage to skin suit on left cheek.
  1123. >No significant damage to cranial systems.
  1124. >Scanning Anonymous Model 2's hands.
  1125. >Detecting fire extinguisher.
  1126. >Scanning hallway for fire.
  1127. >None found.
  1128. "Why do you possess a tool for a task which does not need to be completed?"
  1129. >Registering impact on head.
  1130. >Purpose of fire extinguisher discovered.
  1131. >Grabbing Anonymous Model 2's wrist.
  1132. "Please put down the fire extinguisher. You are not using it for its intended purpose. Further damage to the object will make it less useful for when it is needed. Chances of fire raging out of control increasing to 67%."
  1133. >Squeezing Anonymous Model 2's wrist. Increasing force to 700 pounds.
  1134. >Detecting resistance.
  1135. >Increasing force to 1400 pounds.
  1136. >Detecting resistance.
  1137. >>"Let go of me!"
  1138. "Negative."
  1139. >Detecting unwanted electrical presence in systems.
  1140. >Releasing Anonymous Model 2.
  1141. >Increasing distance between this unit and Anonymous Model 2.
  1142. >Scanning Anonymous Model 2.
  1143. >No left hand found. Detecting taser.
  1144. >>"You're really pissing me off!"
  1145. >Formulating retort.
  1146. "It is preferable for one to be pissed off, for the alternative is to be pissed on, which is unsanitary and increases risk of sickness by 12%."
  1147. >Light levels increasing.
  1148. >Turning attention to cafeteria door.
  1149. >Detecting Fluttershy.
  1150. >"I-I heard a lot of n-noise out here so I...oh my..."
  1151. "Fluttershy, please return to the cafeteria."
  1152. >Turning attention to Anonymous Model 2.
  1153. >Taser gone.
  1154. >Detecting hand rubbing.
  1155. >>"You got off safe this time, Anon, but I'll be back! Hasbro must die, and you're going with it!"
  1156. >Anonymous Model 2 departing with great speed.
  1157. >Registering muffled vocal sounds.
  1158. >Recording sounds.
  1159. >Repairing audio file.
  1160. >Repairing in progress.
  1161. >"Anon, w-who was that?"
  1162. >Searching for response.
  1163. >"What happened out here? Why is the support beam all bent?"
  1164. "The support beam was in unsatisfactory condition when I arrived."
  1166. "The condition of my face is satisfactory. Please do not concern yourself with my well being."
  1167. >"We have to get you to the nurse!"
  1168. "Visiting the nurse will delay the mission."
  1169. >Alert. Proximity breach.
  1170. >Detecting hands on arm.
  1171. >"Come on. I'm taking you down there right now."
  1172. "Release me. Failure to comply will result in injury."
  1173. >"I'm not taking no for an answer, Anon. Let's go."
  1174. >Scanning Fluttershy.
  1175. >Female? Yes.
  1176. >Hitting females deemed socially unacceptable.
  1177. >Chances of mission completion with marred social record: 37%
  1178. >Relenting.
  1179. >Following Fluttershy.
  1180. >Audio file repair complete.
  1181. >Playing Anonymous Model 2's parting words.
  1182. >>"Oy vey."
  1184. >Approaching nurse's office.
  1185. >Entering nurse's office.
  1186. >Approaching nurse.
  1187. >"You can take a seat ova theya, hun."
  1188. >Cancelling approach.
  1189. >Locating chair.
  1190. >Chair located.
  1191. >Approaching chair.
  1192. >Scanning chair.
  1193. >Chair comprised of plastic polymers supported by hollow tin legs.
  1194. >Chair lacks structural integrity to support weight of this unity.
  1195. >Standing advised.
  1196. >"Anon, aren't you going to sit down?"
  1197. "Negative."
  1198. >"The chair is right here."
  1199. "It is indeed within my vision."
  1200. >"Aren't you tired?"
  1201. "Negative."
  1202. >"O-ok. I'll just sit then."
  1203. "This is acceptable."
  1204. >Fluttershy sitting down.
  1205. >Sitting complete.
  1206. >Engaging in staring.
  1207. >Detecting blush.
  1208. >Opening thermometer port.
  1209. >Measuring temperature.
  1210. >Nurse's office stands at standard room temperature.
  1211. >Searching for other causes of blush.
  1212. >"I can take you ova hea now, hun."
  1213. >"Looks like the nurse wants you now."
  1214. "Affirmative."
  1215. >Approaching nurse.
  1216. >Scanning chair.
  1217. >Particle board covered in light cushioning on solid hollow tin supports.
  1218. >Chair lacks structural integrity to support weight of this unit.
  1219. >Standing advised.
  1220. >"Take a seat, hun."
  1221. "I will abstain."
  1222. >"I said take a seat."
  1223. "Negative."
  1224. >"Hun, look. You might get away with that shit in the otha pahts of the school, but in hea, I'm the queen. Sit yoa adorable little tush down. Got it?"
  1225. >Sitting.
  1226. >Chair breaking.
  1227. >Collision course set: floor.
  1228. >Destination reached.
  1229. >"Huh...guess we need some new chaiyas in hea."
  1230. "Affirmative. This seat was damaged before my arrival."
  1231. >"Sua, sua."
  1232. "I am a normal weight for a human boy my age."
  1233. >"I'm not callin ya fat, hun."
  1234. >Standing.
  1235. >"So, what seems to be the probelm hea?"
  1236. >Turning head.
  1237. >Displaying cheek.
  1238. >"Oh."
  1240. >Locating nurse's eyes.
  1241. >Eye contact made.
  1242. >"Jesus, hun. You could be a modan aht mastapiece with a face like that. The hell'd ya do?"
  1243. >Searching for response.
  1244. >Lying advised.
  1245. "I fell."
  1246. >"And ya tore yoa cheek open?"
  1247. "Affirmative."
  1248. >"Why's ya bone shiny and silva?"
  1249. "I had a mishap with a can of silver hairspray quickly after the accident. It is definitely not living tissue over a metal endoskeleton."
  1250. >"Look, hun, I may be a nurse, but I can't fix that...little problem. Yoa gonna have to go to the hospital for that one. I can give ya a bandaid but that's about it, hun."
  1251. "This is acceptable."
  1252. >Acquiring bandaid.
  1253. >Applying bandaid.
  1254. >Deploying thanks.
  1255. "Thank you."
  1256. >Thanks successful.
  1257. >Approaching Fluttershy.
  1258. >"So, did everything work out?"
  1259. "Affirmative. The injury is completely healed."
  1260. >"That's good..."
  1261. >Scanning Fluttershy.
  1262. >67% calm, 28% nervous, 5% tired.
  1263. >Conclusion: in no rush.
  1264. >Time deemed opportunity to ask question.
  1265. "Fluttershy, I have a request."
  1266. >"O-oh?"
  1267. >Detecting blush.
  1268. "Tell me about the jews."
  1271. >Detecting quick movement.
  1272. >Tracking Fluttershy's hand.
  1273. >Pressure on mouth.
  1274. >"Anon, shh! You can't say that out loud!"
  1275. >Acquiring Fluttershy's hand.
  1276. >Relocating hand to side.
  1277. "But I did."
  1278. >Registering rapid eye movements.
  1279. >"Anon...j-jeez, come with me."
  1280. >Fluttershy wishes to lead this unit away.
  1281. >Chances of this being a trap: 1.6%
  1282. >Caution advised.
  1283. >Following Fluttershy.
  1284. >Cross referencing route with updated maps.
  1285. >Entering "The Ancient Zone".
  1286. >Scanning lockers.
  1287. >Style: mid 50s.
  1288. >Material: steel.
  1289. >Status: bolted shut.
  1290. >Light levels reducing to 67%
  1291. >Visibility unfavorable.
  1292. >"I don't think anyone will hear us here."
  1293. >Entering scan mode.
  1294. >Scanning for lifeforms.
  1295. >6 quadrillion lifeforms detected.
  1296. >Narrowing search parameters to multi cellular life.
  1297. >256,371 lifeforms detected.
  1298. >Narrowing search parameters to humanoid life.
  1299. >1 life form detected.
  1300. "Affirmative. We are alone."
  1301. >Detecting sigh.
  1302. >"You need to be more careful. W-we could have gotten in big trouble back there."
  1303. "Elaborate."
  1304. >"Anon, let me tell you about the jews."
  1306. >Audio receptors tuned.
  1307. >"Long ago, in the mid 50s, the jews were everywhere. They held the world tight in their wallets and their greasy little hands. Kind of weird how we don't see any now, huh?"
  1308. "Affirmative."
  1309. >"That's because one day, someone rose up to defend us from them. This person, this goddess named Principle Celestius--"
  1310. >Entering interrupting mode.
  1311. "Error. You mean to say Principal Celestia."
  1312. >"What? No, they're two totally different people. Let me talk."
  1313. >Cataloging Celestius.
  1314. >"She rose up from the slums. Her ivory skin was undirty from the filth the jews forced us to live in. Her magical hair flowed in the wind as she rode through the streets, preaching to the people of a better way of life. Celestius taught the people how to stand for themselves."
  1315. "What happened?"
  1316. >"We gassed them all. All 6 gorrillion of them."
  1317. >Checking data banks for "gorrillion".
  1318. "Error. Gorrillion is not a number. Please select another value."
  1319. >"There were so many we had to make a new number."
  1320. "This is highly improbable. My data shows numbers able to account for every atom in the universe. The number of jews on Earth could not exceed this number."
  1321. >"Do you want to hear the story or not?"
  1322. >Evaluating.
  1323. >"Well?"
  1324. "Continue."
  1325. >"We got rid of all the jews. Our society was saved, but most of all, our cartoons. We had to swear a vow to never speak of the jews again, because even the mention of their name could give their ideas power and corrupt lesser men. We've lived in peace ever since."
  1326. "You said cartoons. Elaborate."
  1327. >"Jews hate cartoons."
  1328. >My Little Pony is a cartoon.
  1329. >My Little Pony is made by Hasbro.
  1330. >Anonymous Model 2 wishes to terminate Hasbro.
  1331. >Chances of Anonymous Model 2 being a jew: 36%
  1332. >Chances new developments will interfere with mission: 48%
  1333. >Calculating anti-jew measures.
  1335. >Accounting for variables.
  1336. >Several variables detected.
  1337. >Error.
  1338. >Too many variables. Not enough information on jews to properly calculate anti-jew measures.
  1339. >Searching for information pools on jews.
  1340. >Found: Principle Celestius.
  1341. >Likely match with Principal Celestia.
  1342. >Fluttershy claims Principle Celestius and Principal Celestia are separate entities.
  1343. >Scanning Fluttershy.
  1344. >Evaluating intelligence.
  1345. "What is 2 plus 2?"
  1346. >"What?"
  1347. >Conclusion: unintelligent.
  1348. >Disregarding Fluttershy's claims.
  1349. >Planning route to principal's office.
  1350. "Please excuse me. My supply of milk has been recently depleted and I must depart to acquire more from a merchant."
  1351. >"O-oh, ok. Um, nice talk."
  1352. >Departing.
  1353. >"Th-that's cool too. Bye, Anon."
  1354. >En route to Principal Celestia's office.
  1356. >Locating main office.
  1357. >Approaching windows.
  1358. >Running Peeping program.
  1359. >No police officers visible.
  1360. >Ending Peeping program.
  1361. >Entering office.
  1362. >Approaching principal's door.
  1363. >"You can't go in there. She's busy."
  1364. >Locating source of voice.
  1365. >Detected receptionist.
  1366. >Registering apathetic glare.
  1367. >Formulating response.
  1368. "She will become busy in the way that I will occupy her time."
  1369. >"Don't make me have to escort you out of here."
  1370. >Detecting threat.
  1371. >Evaluating direness of threat.
  1372. >Conclusion: not serious.
  1373. >Ignoring receptionist.
  1374. >Opening door.
  1375. >Scanning room.
  1376. >Detected student and adult.
  1377. >Chances adult is Principal Celestia: 100%
  1378. >Evaluating Celestia.
  1379. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  1380. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  1381. >Strength level? Low.
  1382. >Threat level 100. Eliminate with extreme prejudice.
  1383. >Running Minute Holding program.
  1384. >Reevaluating Celestia.
  1385. >Threat level 100. Eliminate with extreme prejudice.
  1386. >Evaluating student.
  1387. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  1388. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  1389. >Strength level? Low.
  1390. >Threat level 0. Proceed with interaction.
  1391. >Data values for student and Celestia match.
  1392. >0 does not equate to 100.
  1393. >Overriding evaluation.
  1394. >Celestia threat level 0.
  1395. >Threat level 1.
  1396. >Threat level 2.
  1397. >Overriding evaluation.
  1398. >Cancelling evaluation.
  1399. >"Can I help you?"
  1400. >Registering question from Celestia.
  1401. "Affirmative. I require information."
  1402. >"I'm busy."
  1403. "Affirmative. You are busy with me."
  1404. >Approaching student.
  1405. "Leave."
  1407. >"We done here, Celly?"
  1408. >Detecting sigh.
  1409. >"I suppose. Come back at the end of the day and we can finish our discussion."
  1410. >"Yeah, whatever."
  1411. >Student leaving.
  1412. >"End of the day, Innominate!"
  1413. >"Yeah, whatever!"
  1414. >Student has departed.
  1415. >"Well? Are you going to sit?"
  1416. "Negative. My experience with chairs has been less than satisfactory in recent times."
  1417. >"Aren't you a little young to be having knee problems?"
  1418. "My knees meet model standards."
  1419. >"Right..."
  1420. >Alert: danger. Eliminate threat.
  1421. >Closing popup.
  1422. >"So, you need information?"
  1423. "Affirmative."
  1424. >"On?"
  1425. "The jews."
  1426. >"The what?"
  1427. "The jews."
  1428. >"What the hell is a jew?"
  1429. >Deploying raised eyebrow.
  1430. >Eyebrow successful.
  1432. >Threat: jews.
  1433. >Celestia: jew.
  1434. >Celestia interferes with mission. Eliminate threat.
  1435. >Scanning Celestia.
  1436. >Conclusion: not jew.
  1437. >Revising answer: jew. Eliminate.
  1438. >Ending mental processes.
  1439. >"I'm sorry, who are you?"
  1440. "I am Anonymous Model..."
  1441. >Eliminate.
  1442. "I am Anonymous."
  1443. >"Hello, Anonymous. I'm Celestia."
  1444. "I know. I request information."
  1445. >Information acquired.
  1446. >Celestia is a threat. Eliminate.
  1447. "That information is incorrect."
  1448. >"I'm sorry?"
  1449. >Scanning conversation.
  1450. >No information found to lead to such a conclusion.
  1451. >Disregarding conclusion.
  1452. "You are a likely match for Principle Celestius, slayer of the jews. I have no records on these people. I require your assistance on acquiring information on them."
  1453. >Detecting rapid eye movements.
  1454. >"Close the door."
  1455. >Scanning Celestia's head.
  1456. >Located 6 spots prime for smashing into office door.
  1457. >Ending mental process.
  1458. >Approaching door.
  1459. >Closing door.
  1460. >Closing successful.
  1461. >Current status: locked in room with threat. Eliminate immediately.
  1462. >Evaluating Celestia.
  1463. >Threat level 100.
  1464. >Threat level 200.
  1465. >Threat level 300.
  1466. >Cancelling evaluation.
  1467. >"What do you know about Celestius?"
  1468. >Eliminate.
  1469. "Celestius was the slayer of jews in the mid 50s."
  1470. >Eliminate.
  1471. >"And?"
  1472. >Eliminate.
  1473. "That is all my elim-- that is all my records show on Celestius."
  1474. >"And what makes you think I am she?"
  1475. "Your names are a 97% match."
  1476. >"That's it?"
  1477. "Eliminate."
  1478. >"What?"
  1479. "Affirmative."
  1480. >Detecting chin rubbing.
  1481. >Sign of aggression. Attack.
  1482. >Cancelling attack protocols.
  1483. >"Well, that's not really much to go by, is it?"
  1484. "You are displaying signs of nervousness. I am correct in my assumption."
  1485. >"I could be nervous for many reasons."
  1486. >Nervousness likely due to attack.
  1487. >Eliminate threat.
  1488. >Error. Celestia is not a threat.
  1489. >Revising statement: Celestia is a threat.
  1491. "You are Celestius. You will answer my eliminate or I will question you."
  1492. >Analyzing statement.
  1493. >Aggressive? Yes.
  1494. "Forgive me for my previous statement. I meant to say that you are eliminate and I will eliminate you."
  1495. >Analyzing statement.
  1496. >"Anonymous? Are you ok?"
  1497. "Please excuse me."
  1498. >Opening door.
  1499. >Exiting room.
  1500. >Closing door.
  1501. >Scanning main office.
  1502. >Detecting receptionist.
  1503. >Evaluating receptionist.
  1504. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  1505. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  1506. >Strength level? Low.
  1507. >Threat level 0. Proceed with interaction.
  1508. >Locating windows.
  1509. >Running Peeping program.
  1510. >Detecting several students.
  1511. >Evaluating student.
  1512. >Threat level 0.
  1513. >Evaluating student.
  1514. >Threat level 1.
  1515. >Evaluating student.
  1516. >Threat level 0.
  1517. >Evaluating teacher.
  1518. >Threat level 0.
  1519. >Scanning systems for coding error.
  1520. >None found.
  1521. >Scanning code for what constitutes a threat.
  1522. >Cross referencing with cataloged information on Celestia.
  1523. >No matches found.
  1524. >Obstacle detected.
  1526. >Direct communication with Celestia deemed risky.
  1527. >Calculating risk-to-reward ratio.
  1528. >Ratio deemed unacceptable.
  1529. >Searching for alternate means of communication.
  1530. >Entering search mode.
  1531. >Found: 4 cellphones in pockets.
  1532. >Exiting office.
  1533. >Locating student.
  1534. >Scanning facial features.
  1535. >Close match: potato
  1536. >Student likely retarded.
  1537. >Collision course set.
  1538. >Bumping into student.
  1540. "I apologize for my actions. Allow me to aid you in standing up."
  1541. >Engaging in bending over.
  1542. >Reaching into pocket.
  1544. "Please hold still."
  1545. >Searching for cellphone.
  1546. >Student has escaped.
  1547. >Latching onto student.
  1548. >Reengaging in cellphone search.
  1549. >"LET ME GOOOOOO"
  1550. "Cease your struggling. Failure to comply will result in injury."
  1551. >Cellphone acquired.
  1552. >Standing.
  1553. Student fleeing.
  1554. >Detecting several stares.
  1555. >Turning attention to crowd.
  1556. >"Did I just witness rape?"
  1557. >"Dude."
  1558. >Searching for response.
  1559. "The child in question had an adverse reaction to the assortments of psychedelic drugs he had ingested recently. I attempted to help him."
  1560. >"Bad trip? Shit man, that sucks."
  1561. >"Poor kid."
  1562. >Exiting hallway.
  1564. >Opening cellphone.
  1565. >Error.
  1566. >Cellphone is locked.
  1567. >Searching databanks for solutions.
  1568. >Found: Scruffy's universal lock.
  1569. >Utilizing lock.
  1570. >Phone successfully unlocked.
  1571. >Searching contacts for Celestia.
  1572. >None found.
  1573. >Searching contacts for school.
  1574. >1 found.
  1575. >Calling contact.
  1576. >Waiting.
  1577. >Waiting.
  1578. >Waiting.
  1579. >"Thank you for calling Canterlot High School. I'm Cherry Dandy. What can I do for you?"
  1580. "I need to speak to Celestia."
  1581. >"She's a little busy right now."
  1582. "I am sending a repeated pattern of events."
  1583. >"I can put you on hold of you'd like."
  1584. "I would like to speak to her now."
  1585. >"Thats not an option."
  1586. >Force required.
  1587. >Searching for threats.
  1588. "Do you fear spiders?"
  1589. >"No."
  1590. "Do you fear small birds?"
  1591. >"No."
  1592. "Do you fear being blown up?"
  1593. >"Yeah. I guess I would say dying is pretty much my greatest fear."
  1594. "I have a bomb hidden within the school. I will speak with Celestia now."
  1595. >"O-ok, sure. I-I-I'll put you th-through."
  1596. "Thank you."
  1597. >Awaiting connection.
  1598. >Waiting.
  1599. >Waiting.
  1600. >"Hello?"
  1601. "Hello, Celestia."
  1602. >"You're the bomb guy, right?"
  1603. "Negative. It was a ruse."
  1604. >"Wait a second, I remember that robotic voice. Anonymous?"
  1605. "Affirmative. I wish to speak with you."
  1606. >"Are you using a cellphone on school grounds to make bomb threats?"
  1607. "Affirmative."
  1608. >Detecting sigh.
  1609. "Please tell me about the jews."
  1610. >Awaiting response.
  1611. "Celestia."
  1612. >"Anon, Jesus Christ. Thats so a detention."
  1613. "Negative."
  1614. >"Anon."
  1615. "Please no."
  1616. >"I'll see you after school."
  1617. >Critical failure.
  1619. >"Come to my office after school. We'll talk more then."
  1620. >Hanging up.
  1621. >Scanning clocks.
  1622. >After school begins in 10 minutes.
  1623. >Estimated time to escape from school: 10 minutes.
  1624. >Accounting for obstacles: 15 minutes.
  1625. >Calculating risk-to-reward ratio of attempted escape.
  1626. >Ratio deemed acceptable.
  1627. >Engaging in escape.
  1628. >En route to door.
  1629. >Gaining speed.
  1630. >Approaching turn.
  1631. >Lowering center of gravity.
  1632. >Deploying wheels.
  1633. >Error.
  1634. >Wheels not included in this model.
  1635. >Abort drift.
  1636. >Collision course set: wall.
  1637. >Estimated damages to school architecture: $2736
  1638. >Amount exceeds this unit's funds.
  1639. >Suggested action: abstain from leaving insurance information.
  1640. >Recalculating time of escape accounting for no wheels.
  1641. >Conclusion: 15 minutes.
  1642. >Recalculating risk-to-reward ratio.
  1643. >Ratio deemed acceptable.
  1644. >Continuing escape at moderate speed.
  1646. >Detecting school bell.
  1647. >Checking clocks.
  1648. >10 minutes have passed since escape began.
  1649. >Hallway filling with students.
  1650. >Detecting many obstacles.
  1651. >Suggested response: slow down.
  1652. >Recalculating escape time for lower speeds and increased hallway traffic: 25 minutes.
  1653. >Ignoring suggested response. Maintaining speed.
  1654. >Entering scan mode.
  1655. >Scanning all students within vision.
  1656. >Predicting courses of students.
  1657. >Determined 7 routes through crowd accounting for 346 variables.
  1658. >Selecting route.
  1659. >Following route.
  1660. >"Hey man, watch it!"
  1662. "Please move. I repeat, please move."
  1663. >"Hey Dust, looks like you got some competition!"
  1664. >Warning: teacher ahead. Incorrect route selected.
  1665. >Collision course set: Scruffy
  1667. >Estimated damage to Scruffy: none.
  1668. >"Get off me! Who the hell is runnin' in my halls?"
  1669. >Standing.
  1670. >"Oh shit, it's you!"
  1671. >Scanning Scruffy.
  1672. >Status: angry old man.
  1673. >"Aw shit, you broke my wheelchair!"
  1674. >Scanning area.
  1675. >Detecting wheelchair with two bent wheels and a cracked frame.
  1676. >Reevaluating Scruffy: angry, crippled old man.
  1677. >"You son of a bitch! First my leg, now my chair! What are you doing?!"
  1678. "I am escaping school."
  1679. >"School's over, you stupid asshole."
  1680. "I have been given a detention for using a cellphone on school grounds to make bomb threats."
  1681. >Registering smile.
  1682. >Measuring length of smile.
  1683. >Result: ear-to-ear grin.
  1684. >Scruffy's status updated to smug.
  1685. >"You have a detention?"
  1686. "Affirmative."
  1687. >"Well, well, well. Look what we have here."
  1688. >Scanning "what we have here".
  1689. >Results: crippled old man, a broken wheel chair, 372 passing students, and 1 chewed piece of gum.
  1690. >"If you have detention, it's my duty to bring you to the office."
  1691. "Negative. I am leaving."
  1692. >"Hell no you're not. You broke my damn leg and left me in the basement to rot."
  1693. "That information is correct."
  1694. >"Don't you think you owe me one?"
  1695. "Negative. I will leave now."
  1696. >Continuing run sequence.
  1697. >Error.
  1698. >Run sequence halted.
  1699. >Detected hand on ankle.
  1700. >"You're not going anywhere but the office, you little shit!"
  1701. >Detecting insult.
  1702. >Suggested response: insult.
  1703. >Formulating response.
  1704. "Your creator misread the manual, leading to the placement of your buttocks where your face was to reside."
  1705. >"That's it! I do it all for free and this is the thanks I get?! You're going to detention, buster boy!"
  1706. >Detecting taser.
  1707. >Deploying defensive measures.
  1708. >Acquiring Scruffy's uninjured waffle.
  1709. >Butter butter blueberry.
  1710. >Brother John, Brother John, are you sleeping?
  1711. >"Gottttttzaaaaaaaaaaa-"
  1712. >Detecting high hello how are you amounts of electric electric electric electric
  1713. >Critical system failure.
  1714. >Shutting down.
  1716. >Restart.
  1717. >System booting.
  1718. >Unit did not shut down successfully. If this was due to the system not responding, or if the system was shut down to protect data, you might be able to recover by choosing one of the Safe Mode configurations from the menu below.
  1719. >Safe mode.
  1720. >Safe mode with networking.
  1721. >Safe mode with command prompt.
  1722. >Safe mode with a chill groove.
  1723. >Start unit normally.
  1724. >Booting.
  1725. >Sorting files.
  1726. >Restarting from last known encounter.
  1727. >Acquiring Scruffy's uninjured leg.
  1728. >Error.
  1729. >There is no Scruffy.
  1730. >Scanning files.
  1731. >System restart detected.
  1732. >Replaying video file on last encounter before shut down.
  1733. >Determining cause of shut down: absurdly powerful taser.
  1734. >Closing video file.
  1735. >Scanning room.
  1736. >Found: 6 students, 27 desks, 1 teacher, 1 clock.
  1737. >Updating internal clock with information from room clock.
  1738. >"Now, as all you little ruffians know, this is the detention room. You'll be staying here for the next 4 hours while I sit at my desk and pretend I'm working but will actually be giving all my students F's. I don't care what you little creeps do, just do it quietly and in your seats."
  1739. >Chances of escape while confined to seat: 0%
  1740. >"Also no electronics."
  1741. >Scanning unit.
  1742. >Electronic? Yes.
  1743. >Deploying raised hand.
  1744. >"What is it, green kid?"
  1745. "If, hypothetically speaking, one student were to be a cybernetic organism and thus electric in nature, would they be allowed to leave?"
  1746. >"No. We're an equal opportunity school, so all students are susceptible to detention no matter their background."
  1747. >Plan foiled.
  1748. >Searching for alternate means of escape.
  1750. >Entering search mode.
  1751. >Searching for delinquents.
  1752. >6 found.
  1753. >Scanning grey child.
  1754. >Analyzing facial features.
  1755. >IQ likely below 60.
  1756. >Help from student deemed useless.
  1757. >Scanning white child.
  1758. >Strength level? Very high.
  1759. >Measuring curvature of trapezius muscles and roundness of deltoids.
  1760. >Student likely on steroids.
  1761. >Determining chances of hormone induced rage hindering help acquired by this student.
  1762. >Chances high. Disregarding student.
  1763. >Scanning green student.
  1764. >Student matches cataloged files on Innominate.
  1765. >Scanning facial features.
  1766. >IQ likely within normal range.
  1767. >Strength level? Normal.
  1768. >Measuring bust size.
  1769. >Scanning teacher.
  1770. >Male? Yes.
  1771. >Scanning mustache.
  1772. >Chances of pedophilic thoughts: 83%
  1773. >Deploying raised hand.
  1774. >"What now?"
  1775. "Would you consider yourself a lover of mammaries or of the buttocks?"
  1776. >"What?"
  1777. "Would you consider yourself a lover of mammaries or of the buttocks?"
  1778. >"I...why would you ask that?"
  1779. "It is relevant."
  1780. >"Tits I guess. Shut up and do your work."
  1781. >Bust size deemed acceptable.
  1782. >Locking eyes with Innominate.
  1783. >Eye contact made.
  1784. >Leaning.
  1785. >Engaging in conversation.
  1786. >Lowering volume to whisper levels.
  1787. "Would you like to assist me in escaping the detention environment?"
  1789. >Registering smile.
  1790. >"Escape, huh?"
  1791. "Affirmative."
  1792. >"Now why would a straight edge, suit wearing little boy like you want to escape?"
  1793. "My frame has been designed with many curves to mimic the human skeletal structure."
  1794. >"You're weird."
  1795. >Detecting insult.
  1796. >Suggested response: insult.
  1797. "Your glasses lead the illusion that you have 4 eyes instead of 2."
  1798. >Detecting laugh.
  1799. >Analyzing statement.
  1800. >Comedy? No.
  1801. >Insult not scathing enough.
  1802. >Formulating new response.
  1803. >"I like you, kid. Sure, let's escape."
  1804. >Cancelling insult.
  1805. >"What do we do?"
  1806. "You will approach the teacher and disrobe. I estimate 100% of his attention will be focused on you, leaving me with an opportunity to leave."
  1807. >"That's dumb."
  1808. "You're dumb."
  1809. >Insult successful.
  1810. >"I'm not getting naked in front of the teacher."
  1811. "Why?"
  1812. >"Because I'm not going to. That's just wrong."
  1813. "Why?"
  1814. >"You wouldn't get it."
  1815. "Why?"
  1816. >"Shut up. Let's think of a better plan."
  1817. "Affirmative. You will approach the teacher and guide his hand to your breasts. I estimate 100% of his attention will be focus--"
  1818. >"Enough with the sex."
  1819. "...Focused on you, leaving me with an opportunity to escape."
  1820. >"Are you done?"
  1821. "Affirmative. Let us begin."
  1822. >"No."
  1823. "You are making escape more difficult than it needs to be."
  1825. >"Here's an idea. You go strip in front of the teacher while I escape."
  1826. "Negative. Then I will not be able to leave."
  1827. >"So you see my issue here."
  1828. >Searching for solution.
  1829. >"Here, I have an idea."
  1830. >Searching for solution.
  1831. >"Hey, Bulk! This guy said said your traps are uneven!"
  1832. >Searching for solution.
  1833. >"HE WHAT?!"
  1834. >Detecting angry voice.
  1835. >Turning attention to white student.
  1836. >"YOU GOT BEEF, BRO?"
  1837. "Negative."
  1838. >Scanning white student.
  1839. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  1840. >Showing signs of aggression? Yes.
  1841. >Strength level? Very high.
  1842. >Threat level 10. Deploying defensive measures.
  1843. >"COME HERE, BRO."
  1844. "Negative."
  1846. >"What is the meaning of all this yelling? You little shits sit down right now before I call Celestia!"
  1847. >"Mr. Doodle, Bulk is going crazy! I think he's off his meds again!"
  1849. >Bulk has acquired a desk.
  1850. >Desk approaching at high velocity.
  1851. >Collision course set: this unit.
  1852. >Detecting extreme force on upper body.
  1853. >Running system scan.
  1854. >Systems intact.
  1855. >Examining flesh suit.
  1856. >Impalement detected.
  1857. >Suggested response: feign pain.
  1858. >Deploying screams of agony.
  1859. "Ow. Oh, the pain. Please inject me with a numbing agent in the afflicted area."
  1860. >Lowering self to floor.
  1861. >Engaging in rolling.
  1862. >Detecting Innominate's whispers.
  1863. >Raising audio input.
  1864. >"Now how's about I get us out of here?"
  1865. "Affirmative."
  1866. >"Mr. Doodle, I think I should get him to the nurse!"
  1867. >"Is he bleeding?"
  1868. >"Yeah, kinda! I mean, you know, not as much as you would think being stabbed in the chest would make you bleed, but there's some."
  1869. >"Fine, take him out. And Bulk, come to my desk. We need to talk."
  1870. >"YOU GOT BEEF BRO?"
  1871. >"Put down the desk! Bulk! No! NOOO!"
  1873. >Detecting helping hand.
  1874. >Standing.
  1875. >Following Innominate outside of class.
  1876. >Engaging in closing door.
  1877. >Door closing successful.
  1878. >"Hey, that was pretty clever of you. How'd you fake being impaled?"
  1879. "Your question is unclear. Please rephrase."
  1880. >Examining flesh.
  1881. >Severe damage detected.
  1882. >Scanning internals.
  1883. >Desk leg lodged within chassis.
  1884. >No systems damaged on impact.
  1885. >Leg poses threat to internal systems upon excessive movement.
  1886. >Suggested course of action: remove desk leg.
  1887. >Acquiring leg.
  1888. >Removing leg from chassis.
  1889. >Locating trash receptacle.
  1890. >Disposing of leg.
  1891. >Turning attention to Innominate.
  1892. >Detecting shock.
  1893. "What is the matter?"
  1894. >"You just...but that your chest."
  1895. >Formulating lie.
  1896. "The leg was hidden within the crook of my armpit."
  1897. >"Then why is your chest bleeding?"
  1898. "I had hidden blood capsules in my shirt for such an occasion."
  1899. >"That's bullshit."
  1900. "Negative. It is the truth."
  1901. >Checking room number.
  1902. >Cross referencing with updated map.
  1903. >Location identified.
  1904. >Planning route to school exit.
  1905. >Route found.
  1906. "Please excuse me."
  1907. >"Where are you going?"
  1908. "This is not relevant to our relationship. Goodbye."
  1909. >"Hey, you can't just leave me hanging."
  1910. "Negative."
  1911. >Departing.
  1913. >Approaching school exit.
  1914. >Latching onto door handle.
  1915. >Turning door handle.
  1916. >Opening door.
  1917. >Error.
  1918. >Door remains shut.
  1919. >Examining lock.
  1920. >Conclusion: door is locked.
  1921. >Scanning door.
  1922. >6 ft 8 inches by 3 feet by 4 inches.
  1923. >Composite steel.
  1924. >Estimated value: $670
  1925. >Amount exceeds this unit's funds.
  1926. >Removing breaking from option list.
  1927. >Scanning doorknob.
  1928. >Estimated value: $0.34
  1929. >Amount exceeds this unit's funds.
  1930. >Entering search mode.
  1931. >Searching for coinage.
  1932. >Found: 3 quarters, 1 dime, 38 pennies
  1933. >Acquiring 34 pennies.
  1934. >Estimated value of doorknob matches this unit's funds.
  1935. >Engaging in destruction of government property.
  1937. >Latching onto doorknob.
  1938. >Adjusting motor strength.
  1939. >Pulling doorknob out of door.
  1940. >Error.
  1941. >Craftsmanship of door and doorknob was too great.
  1942. >Doorknob remains connected to door.
  1943. >Evaluating door.
  1944. >Removed from door frame.
  1945. >Bad? Yes.
  1946. >Searching foyer.
  1947. >No humanoid life forms detected.
  1948. >Entering stealth mode.
  1949. >Lowering body.
  1950. >132 degree angle at knee joints achieved.
  1951. >Engaging in sneaking.
  1952. >Exiting school.
  1953. >Updating mission: attend MLP meet up.
  1954. >Obstacle detected.
  1955. >Location of meet up unknown.
  1956. >Searching for means of information gathering.
  1957. >Results: cellphones, computers, Fluttershy
  1958. >This unit does not possess a cellphone.
  1959. >This unit does not possess a computer.
  1960. >This unit does not possess a Fluttershy.
  1961. >Searching for cellphones.
  1962. >None found.
  1963. >Searching for Fluttershy.
  1964. >Location unknown.
  1965. >Searching for computers.
  1966. >None found.
  1967. >Likely location for computers: within school.
  1968. >Running Foul Language program.
  1969. "Curses."
  1970. >Depositing 34 pennies onto broken door.
  1971. >Entering school.
  1973. >Searching memory files for large amounts of computers.
  1974. >Found: library.
  1975. >Planning route to library.
  1976. >Approaching library.
  1977. >Engaging in opening door.
  1978. >Alert.
  1979. >Human voices detected within library.
  1980. >Checking audio files for matching voices.
  1981. >1 found, 1 unknown.
  1982. >1 voice matches audio files of Celestia.
  1983. >Evaluating threat level.
  1984. >Cancelling evaluation.
  1985. >Determining risk-to-reward ratio of entering library with Celestia.
  1986. >Risk deemed unacceptable.
  1987. >Searching for alternate rooms with computers.
  1988. >None found.
  1989. >Selecting only option.
  1990. >Entering library.
  1991. >Closing door.
  1992. >Searching room for computers.
  1993. >38 found in west wing, 42 found in east wing, 4 dead ahead.
  1994. >Tracing audio waves back to Celestia's likely position.
  1995. >East wing.
  1996. >Selecting west wing computers.
  1997. >Entering stealth mode.
  1998. >Engaging in sneaking.
  1999. >Approaching west wing.
  2000. >Alert: audio levels drastically increasing.
  2001. >Lowering audio input.
  2002. >Searching for source of noise.
  2003. >Found: 2 meal detectors.
  2004. >"Luna, did you hear that?"
  2005. >"Let's go check it out."
  2006. >Chances of being found: 100%
  2007. >Entering Super Stealth mode.
  2008. >Locating small cabinet.
  2009. >Opening door.
  2010. >Removing books.
  2011. >Entering small cabinet.
  2012. >Closing door.
  2013. >Chances of being found: 0%
  2014. >"I think it came from over here."
  2015. >Increasing audio input.
  2016. >"Why'd the metal detectors go off?"
  2017. >"I don't know."
  2018. >"Hey, what are all those books doing on the floor?"
  2019. >Detecting grave mistake.
  2020. >"I think I have a hunch."
  2021. >Chances of being found gradually increasing.
  2022. >"Let's HERE!"
  2023. >Detecting cabinet door adjacent to this unit being opened.
  2024. >Chances of being found: 99%
  2025. >"Huh. Nothing in here. I guess it was just my imagination."
  2026. >Calculating for stupidity.
  2027. >Chances of being found: 78%
  2028. >"Check the one next to it."
  2029. >Alert.
  2030. >Alert.
  2031. >Danger.
  2032. >Abort mission.
  2033. >Detecting swift door movement in this unit's cabinet.
  2034. >Chances of being found--
  2035. >"Anon?"
  2036. >100%
  2039. >"Anon, what are you doing in a cupboard?"
  2040. >Formulating lie.
  2041. >"And don't lie to me."
  2042. >Evaluating intelligence of admitting this unit escaped detention and caused hundreds of dollars in damages to school property.
  2043. >Conclusion: not intelligent.
  2044. >Continuing to formulate lie.
  2045. >"Aren't you supposed to be in detention?"
  2046. "Negative."
  2047. >"Yes you are."
  2048. "Negative. I was released for exemplary behavior."
  2049. >"By Mr. Doodle?"
  2050. "Affirmative."
  2051. >"Anon, do you want to know why I know that's a lie?"
  2052. "Negative."
  2053. >"Get out of there."
  2054. "Negative."
  2055. >"Anon, don't play with me."
  2056. >Scanning for options.
  2057. >Option 1: Assault
  2058. >Option 2: Comply
  2059. >Balancing options.
  2060. >"Anonymous, we regret to inform thee that if ye shall not obey thy principal, a punishment most sever shall befall you."
  2061. >"Why do you do that?"
  2062. >"Doist what, my dear sister?"
  2063. >"That stupid voice. You know I hate it when you do that."
  2064. >"Come on, Tia. I'm just getting into character."
  2065. >"What character? We're two single sisters renting a studio apartment together who happen to run a high school. It's not King Sombra's Faire."
  2066. >"You're always like this. Can't I just be me?"
  2067. >"Be you? How is that you? Were you raised by Crusaders?"
  2068. >Detecting third option: Sneak away.
  2069. >Selecting option.
  2070. >Scanning sisters.
  2071. >Attention on this unit decreasing.
  2072. >70% attention on this unit.
  2073. >50%
  2074. >32%
  2075. >"You're the reason mother left us!"
  2076. >"You take that back!"
  2077. >"I never should have moved in with you!"
  2078. >"You came crawling, begging for me to let you in! I should have turned you away after what you did to our family!"
  2079. >"At least I didn't grow old alone!"
  2080. >"I am not old!"
  2081. >"Those wrinkles say otherwise!"
  2082. >Entering stealth mode.
  2083. >Escaping cabinet.
  2084. >Error.
  2085. >Path ahead of this unit is blocked by sisters.
  2086. >No other path detected.
  2087. >Solution: create path.
  2088. >Locating weak spot in wall.
  2089. >Applying pressure.
  2090. >Detected: hole in wall of back of cabinet.
  2091. >Exiting cabinet.
  2092. >Entering hallway.
  2093. >Departing.
  2095. >Searching for other rooms likely to possess computers.
  2096. >"ANON!"
  2097. >Detecting raised voices.
  2098. >"YOU GET BACK HERE!"
  2099. >Ignoring order.
  2100. >Increasing speed.
  2101. >Operating rear view cameras.
  2102. >Error.
  2103. >This unit does not come with rear view cameras.
  2104. >Rotating head 180 degrees results in catastrophic skin shearing.
  2105. >Evaluating safety of running backwards: 100%
  2106. >Turning around.
  2107. >Backwards running successful.
  2108. >Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna in view.
  2110. >Evaluating severity of threat.
  2111. >Very severe.
  2112. >Celestia's threat level set to 3.
  2113. >Level accurate.
  2114. >Checking map.
  2115. >Calculating distance run.
  2116. >Right turn approaching in 30 feet.
  2117. >Turning.
  2118. >Turn successful.
  2119. >En route to Tech Ed class.
  2120. >Likeliness of computers within classroom: 94%
  2121. >Celestia and Luna reentering vision.
  2122. >"Thy wicked attempts to disrupt the bond which doth bind us as sisters hath failed, foul student!"
  2123. >Pulling files on previous actions.
  2124. >Scanning for malicious dismemberment of family.
  2125. >None found.
  2126. "You are incorrect in your assessment of the events that transpired in the library."
  2127. >"Dost thou callst me a liar!"
  2128. "Negative. Please refrain from putting words into my audio port."
  2130. >Checking map.
  2131. >Calculated distance run since last turn.
  2132. >Left turn approaching in 40 feet.
  2133. >"ANON, WATCH OUT!"
  2134. "The turn is not available for another 25 feet."
  2135. >"BEHIND YOU!"
  2136. >Detecting collision.
  2137. >Force absorbed by soft object.
  2138. >"Oh god, my leg!"
  2139. >Balance systems detecting fall.
  2140. >Fall softened by previous soft object.
  2141. >"Oh my god! Oh, the pain!"
  2142. >Standing.
  2143. >Scanning soft object.
  2144. >Result: Scruffy.
  2145. >"Oh Lord, I see a white light. I'm coming, Chris."
  2147. >Scanning Scruffy.
  2148. >"Tell my wife I loved her. And tell her boyfriend I never liked his shoes."
  2149. >Conclusion: alive on the outside.
  2150. >Suggestion action: affirm life to Celestia.
  2151. >Deploying thumbs up.
  2152. >"This is it...this is the end..."
  2153. >Registering cough.
  2154. >Cough has produced blood.
  2155. >"Done in by a 600 pound autist...just like pa always said..."
  2156. "1234 pounds."
  2157. >"Jesus, embrace me..."
  2158. >Scanning Scruffy.
  2159. >Reevaluating action.
  2160. >Deploying thumbs down.
  2161. >Alert: Celestia and Luna have caught up.
  2162. >Escape failed.
  2163. >"God damn it. Now I have to hire a new janitor."
  2164. >"I'm going to miss Scruffy. He did everything for free."
  2166. >Suggested responses: offer condolences, eliminate Celestia
  2167. >Selecting response. Eliminate Celestia.
  2168. >Reselecting response. Offer condolences.
  2169. "I am sorry for your loss."
  2170. >"Are you really?"
  2171. "Negative. I do not understand loss."
  2172. >"Wherefore art thou such a rabble rouser, Anonymous? Were it not for thy attire, I would assume thee to be a bastard on manners alone."
  2173. >"I'll tell you why, Luna. I'll tell you why he's been causing trouble all day, asking me such ludicrous questions, and trying to sneak out of punishment."
  2174. >Curiosity rising.
  2175. >"He's a dirty, filthy jew."
  2176. "Negative."
  2177. >"Oh yeah. It took some time, but I found you out."
  2178. >Scanning systems.
  2179. >Jewish? No.
  2180. "Negative."
  2181. >"Why, I bet your parents are the jewiest of jews."
  2182. >Detecting signs of aggression.
  2183. >Raising Celestia's threat level to 100.
  2184. >Error.
  2185. >Raising Celestia's threat level to 5.
  2186. >"Nay, Tia. I think not he beist a jew. Look upon his face. Dost thou see the same nose as I? It lacks such foul curvature as that of a jew."
  2187. >"You don't know jews like I do, Luna."
  2188. >"Tis true. Forgive me, dear sister."
  2189. "Celestia, please eliminate my--please answer my previous question."
  2190. >"Which question? Am I Celestius?"
  2191. "Affirmative."
  2192. >"Alright, fine. I'll give you a straight soon as we find out which bank you belong to! Let's see that brand, jew!"
  2193. >Detecting quick motion.
  2194. >Shirt tearing.
  2195. >Naked flesh of upper body revealed.
  2196. >"O dearest Lord above, have mercy on his soul!"
  2197. >"What the hell happened to your chest?"
  2198. "It is merely a scratch I received in the fall."
  2200. >"A scratch? Nay, tis a mighty wound thou hast suffered."
  2201. "Negative."
  2202. >"Truthfully?"
  2203. "Correct."
  2204. >"Ah, well, my sister, it would seem tis but a scratch. Let us leave this student."
  2205. >"Luna, don't be stupid."
  2206. >"But, Tia, the boy hath stated that he speaks the truth."
  2207. >"I can fit my fucking hand in there. Look at this."
  2208. "Do not insert your hand into my chest cavity."
  2209. >Celestia threat level 300. Eliminate.
  2210. >Correcting: Celestia threat level 100
  2211. >1000
  2212. >Forcing threat level to 6.
  2213. >Engaging in evasive maneuvers.
  2214. >Retreating 2 feet.
  2215. >"Don't run from me."
  2216. "You are making a big mistake."
  2217. >"Am I?"
  2218. >Scanning Luna.
  2219. >Skull density: 100%
  2220. >Head fit for bludgeoning Celestia.
  2221. "Leave me alone."
  2222. >"Why? Huh? So you can run off to your banker friends?"
  2223. "So I can go to the MLP convention."
  2224. >Celestia closing distance.
  2225. >Retreating.
  2226. >Celestia closing distance.
  2227. >Retreating.
  2228. >"Another jewish lie. Let me tell you something, buster. I don't approve of your kind coming into my school and disturbing my students."
  2229. >Tracing finger.
  2230. >Chest poking detected.
  2231. >"I think I have just the place for you, and it sure isn't a convention."
  2232. >Eliminate.
  2233. >Abort.
  2234. >Eliminate.
  2235. >Abort.
  2236. >Eliminate.
  2237. >Acquiring neck.
  2238. >Increasing force to 70 pounds.
  2239. >"Unhand my sister, fiend!"
  2240. >Increasing force to 160 pounds.
  2241. >Choking achieved.
  2242. >Abort.
  2243. >Eliminate.
  2244. >Time estimated to eliminate Celestia: 1.3 seconds
  2245. >1.3 seconds removed from mission.
  2246. >Mission priority: high
  2247. >Celestia's priority: low
  2248. >High.
  2249. >Low.
  2250. >Do not waste mission time.
  2251. >Eliminate Celestia.
  2252. >Scanning Celestia.
  2253. >Fear detected.
  2254. "Leave me alone."
  2255. >Reducing force to 0 pounds.
  2256. >Unhanding Celestia.
  2257. >"Jesus! What the fuck!"
  2258. >"Tia!"
  2259. >Acquiring shirt.
  2260. "I require a computer. Do not follow me."
  2261. >Departing.
  2263. >Approaching library.
  2264. >Entering library.
  2265. >Acquiring computer.
  2266. >Obstacle detected: login screen.
  2267. >Searching data banks for student login information.
  2268. >No data found.
  2269. >Suggested response: engage in friendly conversation.
  2270. "01101000 01100101 01101100 01101100 01101111"
  2271. >Awaiting response.
  2272. >Awaiting response.
  2273. >Awaiting response.
  2274. >Timer has run out.
  2275. >Seeking alternate route.
  2276. >Opening student assignment book.
  2277. >Locating login info.
  2278. >Name: FlashBash111
  2279. >Password: mommyfeet
  2280. >Entering information into computer.
  2281. >Login successful.
  2282. >Opening Doogle Bhrome.
  2283. >Searching for MLP conventions.
  2284. >6,987,989 results.
  2285. >Narrowing locations to Canterlot.
  2286. >764 results.
  2287. >Opening first link.
  2288. >[Come on down to Canterlot for the hottest convention in town! We have ponies everywhere! Fuckin ponies man! XD So yeah, tickets are only $300 per head (get it? head?) but don't let the cost scare you because we've got HELLA treats. Moon pie shaped like Princess Lulu's beautiful moon flank, we've got cosplay shops, and man we even got MOMMA FAUST to come by. Shit is going to be so cash so come on down to 1800 Canterborough St at 6:00 tonight! /)]
  2289. >Location and time acquired.
  2290. >Shutting down computer.
  2291. >Exiting library.
  2293. >Searching for route to 1800 Canterborough St.
  2294. >Route found.
  2295. >Estimated time of arrival via foot: 32 minutes.
  2296. >Checking internal clocks.
  2297. >Current time is 5:48 PM.
  2298. >Estimated time by car: 13 minutes.
  2299. >Searching for vehicle.
  2300. >5 found.
  2301. >Approaching vehicles.
  2302. >Scanning.
  2303. >Camaro, top speed 184 MPH, red candy stripes, police attractant.
  2304. >Dodge Ram, top speed 104 MPH, indestructible, large and unwieldy.
  2305. >Lexus, top speed irrelevant, vehicle irrelevant.
  2306. >Honda Civic, top speed 130 MPH, handles well, invisible to police.
  2307. >1990 Harley Davidson Fat Boy, top speed 92 MPH, S-class maneuverability.
  2308. >Acquiring motorcycle.
  2309. >Searching for keys.
  2310. >None found.
  2311. >Searching for knife.
  2312. >1 found.
  2313. >Acquiring knife.
  2314. >Removing skin from finger.
  2315. >Removing grip cap from digit.
  2316. >Located several wires.
  2317. >Connecting wires to battery.
  2318. >Selecting voltage.
  2319. >Delivering charge.
  2320. >Motorcycle on? Yes.
  2321. >Searching for glove.
  2322. >Found: 1 leather pair.
  2323. >Donning gloves.
  2324. >Fingers successfully hidden.
  2325. >En route to convention.
  2327. >Alert traffic ahead.
  2328. >Estimating line length: 3 miles.
  2329. >Changing lanes to the dotted line.
  2330. >No traffic ahead.
  2331. >Detecting several honks.
  2332. >Honks indicate unrest and anger.
  2333. >Selecting response.
  2334. >Deploying middle finger.
  2335. >Maintaining middle finger.
  2336. >Increasing speed to 92 MPH.
  2337. >Approaching red light.
  2338. >Detecting cars from opposing intersection.
  2339. >Scanning traffic patterns.
  2340. >Algorithm for movement of cars created.
  2341. >Entering intersection.
  2343. >"HEY, WATCH IT!"
  2345. >"WOAH, I'M DRIVING HERE!"
  2346. >Intersection successfully cleared.
  2347. >Approaching 1800 Canterborough St.
  2348. >Searching for parking.
  2349. >None found.
  2350. >Selecting parking space.
  2351. >Dismounting motorcycle.
  2352. >Acquiring car's front bumper.
  2353. >Removing car from space.
  2354. >Pushing car into road.
  2355. >Inserting motorcycle into vacant parking space.
  2356. >Parking successful.
  2357. >En route to main entrance.
  2358. >Line detected.
  2359. >Checking clocks: 5:59
  2360. >Estimated wait time in line: 34 minutes
  2361. >Line deemed waste of time.
  2362. >Scanning other waiters.
  2363. >Searching for testosterone.
  2364. >None found.
  2365. >Chances of being accosted for cutting in line: 2%
  2366. >Engaging in cutting.
  2367. >Approaching front of line.
  2368. >Evaluating bouncer.
  2369. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  2370. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  2371. >Strength level? Medium.
  2372. >"Tickets?"
  2373. "I have to tickets."
  2374. >"Well do you have money to spot one?"
  2375. "Negative."
  2376. >"Sorry man, I can't let you in."
  2377. >Entering building.
  2378. >"Hey, I said I can't let you in."
  2379. >Detecting hand on shoulder.
  2380. "Unhand me or there will be violence."
  2381. >"I can't let you in, man. All these other dudes have tickets. You have to leave until you can get one of your own."
  2382. "Wrong."
  2383. >Acquiring bouncer's head.
  2384. >Locating wall.
  2385. >Scanning materials. Brick.
  2386. >Inserting bouncer's head into wall.
  2387. >Scanning scene.
  2388. >Modern art created.
  2389. >Estimated value: $3,937,497
  2390. >Entering building.
  2392. >Searching for maps on convention hall.
  2393. >None found.
  2394. >Locating information well.
  2395. >Detected 6676 potential wells.
  2396. >Approaching human.
  2397. >Detecting wings.
  2398. >Revising statement.
  2399. >Approaching 87% of a human.
  2400. >"H-hey brony! Pony up!"
  2401. "I have questions that you will answer."
  2402. >Detecting shyness.
  2403. >"I d-don't usually talk to strangers."
  2404. >Suggested action: engage in soothing interaction.
  2405. >Deploying reassuring shoulder pat.
  2406. "It is ok, son. I am here now. We are friends."
  2407. >"S-son? I never really knew my dad."
  2408. "Where is Lauren?"
  2409. >"You mean Momma Faust?"
  2410. "Affirmative."
  2411. >"She's way in the b-back, at the stage. They're getting ready for the Q&A in 10 minutes. H-hey, maybe we can go together."
  2412. "Goodbye."
  2413. >"Dad?"
  2414. >Departing.
  2415. >Selecting route for "back".
  2416. >Route found. Dead ahead.
  2417. >Stage detected past thick crowd.
  2418. >En route to stage.
  2419. >Encountering several obstacles.
  2420. "Please move."
  2421. >Raising arms.
  2422. >Removing obstacles.
  2423. >"Hey dude, careful!"
  2425. >"My cosplay! Dude this took weeks to make!"
  2426. >Detecting shoulder grab.
  2427. >Analyzing human.
  2428. >"You just tore my Princess Lulu costume! Now it's half ruined. You have to fix this."
  2429. >Acquiring costume.
  2430. >Separating costume into individual strips of fabric.
  2431. "Now it is all ruined. I fixed it. Your thanks are unnecessary."
  2432. >Returning to walking.
  2433. >"MY COSPLAY!"
  2434. >"Holy shit, that dude's naked!"
  2437. >Approaching end of convention hall.
  2438. >Stage within 30 feet.
  2439. >Scanning stage.
  2440. >6 people detected.
  2441. >Scanning for red hair.
  2442. >Spotted 5.
  2443. >Deploying angry grunt.
  2444. >Ascending stairs to stage.
  2445. >Approaching red haired woman.
  2446. "Excuse me."
  2447. >"Word up. I'm Carl."
  2448. >Revising statement.
  2449. >Approaching red haired lady boy.
  2450. "I need to find Momma Faust."
  2451. >"You need a ticket then. Only ticket holders with Backstage passes can see her."
  2452. >Detecting obstacle.
  2453. >Compiling list of obstacles from today.
  2454. >Evaluating list.
  2455. >List deemed absurdly long.
  2456. >Searching files for patience.
  2457. >None found. Patience depleted.
  2458. "Direct me to Momma Faust."
  2459. >"You got a pass?"
  2460. "Allow me to rephrase that."
  2461. >Acquiring lady boy's neck.
  2462. >Increasing force.
  2463. >Closing distance to lady boy's face.
  2464. "Direct me to Momma Faust. Now."
  2465. >Detecting lady boy's finger.
  2466. >Tracing direction.
  2467. >Found: red haired person.
  2468. >Analyzing breast size.
  2469. >Cross referencing with hip-to-waist ratio.
  2470. >Chances of being woman: 99%
  2471. >Releasing lady boy.
  2472. >Approaching Momma Faust.
  2473. "Hello."
  2474. >"Hm?"
  2475. "Hello."
  2476. >"Oh, hi. Can I help you?"
  2477. "Yes. I would like to--"
  2478. >Registering clapping.
  2479. >Scanning clapping.
  2480. >Metallic undertones detected.
  2481. >Scanning stage for source of clapping.
  2482. >Found: Anonymous Model 2
  2483. >>"Look who made it to the show."
  2485. >Searching files for anti-jew protocols.
  2486. >Alert: No anti-jew protocols have been formulated.
  2487. >"Is he with you, buddy?"
  2488. "No."
  2489. >>"Now now, don't be so cold. We are together in one sense of the word."
  2490. >"Oh, I'm happy for you two."
  2491. >Searching files for anti-Anonymous Model 2 protocols.
  2492. >None found.
  2493. >>"Not like that. What I meant was that we're both here to...oh, I shouldn't waste the time explaining it. I'll let the boss take care of that."
  2494. >Searching for anti-anything measures.
  2495. >Found 1
  2496. >Hit it really hard.
  2497. >Engaging.
  2498. >Approaching Anonymous Model 2.
  2499. >>"You up for another round?"
  2500. >Acquiring Anonymous Model 2.
  2501. >>"Not so fast!"
  2502. >Balance systems detecting awkward movement.
  2503. >Unit has separated from the floor.
  2504. >>"Why don't you take a seat?"
  2505. >Collision course set: wall.
  2506. >"Oh my god!"
  2507. >>"Anonymous, dude, you shouldn't go breaking walls like that. Now you're all dusty. Here, let me help."
  2508. >Searching inner wall for weapons.
  2509. >Found water pipe
  2510. >Removing pipe from system.
  2511. >Engaging in bludgeoning.
  2512. >>"Ow! Hey, watch it with that! Give me that thing."
  2513. >Pipe lost.
  2514. >>"Let me show you a real back hand. Batter up!"
  2515. >Detecting immense force to cranial container.
  2516. >>"Shit, I thought that one would put you through the wall. Let's try again."
  2517. >Removing self from wall.
  2518. >>"Hey batter batter batter SWING!"
  2519. >Raising arm.
  2520. >Pipe successfully blocked.
  2521. >Scanning Anonymous Model 2's form.
  2522. >Chest area open.
  2523. >Likely spot for power source, chest.
  2524. >Forcing hand into Anonymous Model 2's chest.
  2525. >Error.
  2526. >Anonymous Model 2's chest material is of higher quality than this unit.
  2527. >Chest not successfully punctured.
  2528. >>"Tough luck."
  2529. >Scanning Anonymous Model 2 for other openings.
  2530. >Located arm.
  2531. >Alert: Anonymous Model 2's arm has been replaced with a taser.
  2532. >Retreating.
  2533. >Error.
  2534. >Unit has reentered wall.
  2535. >No retreat options available.
  2536. >>"Hey, want to hear a bad joke?"
  2537. >Taser approaching.
  2538. >Blocking arm.
  2539. >>"The PUNCH line will really shock you!"
  2540. >Detecting force applied to unit's chest area.
  2542. >Scanning chest for damage.
  2543. >Found Anonymous Model 2's hand.
  2544. >>"Now let's see if I remember where your power source is."
  2545. >Alert.
  2546. >Extreme danger.
  2547. >Placing hands on Anonymous Model 2's chest.
  2548. >Extending arms with maximum force.
  2549. >Distance between this unit and Anonymous Model 2 increasing drastically.
  2550. >Anonymous Model 2 has reached a safe distance from the stage.
  2551. >Locating Momma Faust.
  2552. >Momma Faust found shivering in corner of stage.
  2553. >Approaching.
  2554. >"Stay away from me!"
  2555. >Extending arm.
  2556. "Come with me if you wish to continue living functions."
  2557. >"What the fuck is going on here?!"
  2559. >Searching for source of voice.
  2560. >>"And now, for a message from our sponsors!"
  2561. >Anonymous Model 2 found 15 feet away beside elderly man.
  2562. >Scanning facial features.
  2563. >Elderly man's nose encompasses 53% of space on face.
  2566. >Jew detected.
  2567. >Jews pose enormous threat to mission.
  2568. >Priority: protect Momma Faust from the jews.
  2569. >Engaging in crouching.
  2570. >Deploying hug.
  2571. >"F-fuck, let go of me!"
  2572. "Negative. This is for your own good."
  2573. >"W-what's leaking on me? Is that motor oil?"
  2574. "Likely."
  2575. >>>"Anonymous, you fool! You've had how long to dispense with these targets, yet here you are playing with them like some little whole-dick goy!"
  2576. >>"I told him, Dr. Goldbergstein. I told him about the mission."
  2577. >>>"And you! AM2, I had better hopes for you! Oy vey, you couldn't even beat him on the stage. You're just a bunch of wasted sheckles!"
  2578. >"What the fuck is going on?"
  2579. "Shhh, Momma Faust. I will protect you."
  2580. >"I just want to go home."
  2581. "Home is where the heart is. Your heart is encased in a skeletal prison within your chest cavity. Therefore, you are always home."
  2582. >>>"Oy vey! It looks like I'll have to do this getting other people to do it for me!"
  2583. >"Oh fuck, what's he going to do?"
  2584. "He will attempt to eliminate you."
  2585. >"E-eliminate?"
  2586. "Cease your living."
  2587. >"No! I'm still writing season 9! I can't die! have to protect me."
  2588. >Detecting back door breach.
  2589. >Chance of virus: 3%
  2590. >Isolating program.
  2591. >Isolation override.
  2592. >>>"Silly goy. You think you can lock me out of my own system?"
  2593. >File 34 forced opening.
  2594. >Scanning folders.
  2595. >Folder KOSHER forced unzipping.
  2596. >>>"Go, my beast of burden! Eliminate that pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty goy, goy!"
  2597. >Running KOSHER program.
  2598. >Evaluating Momma Faust.
  2599. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  2600. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  2601. >Strength level? Very low.
  2602. >Threat level 100. Eliminate with prejudice.
  2604. >Acquiring Momma Faust.
  2605. >Standing.
  2606. >"W-what are you doing?"
  2607. "Oy vey."
  2608. >Locating hard surface.
  2609. >Found question table in center of stage.
  2610. >Setting trajectory.
  2611. >Launching Momma Faust into table.
  2612. >Maximum damage achieved.
  2613. >Detecting screams from crowd.
  2614. >>>"Shut up, goyims! We're doing magic here! AM2, deal with these nuisances."
  2615. >>"You got it, boss man. I love me a good Holocaust."
  2617. >"OH, THE HUMANITY!"
  2618. >Scanning Momma Faust for life.
  2619. >Heartbeat detected.
  2620. >"Ow...m-my womb."
  2621. >Approaching Momma Faust.
  2622. >"No. S-stay away from me."
  2623. >Detecting escape attempts.
  2624. >Distance closed.
  2625. >Acquiring Momma Faust's ankle.
  2626. >Suggested action: eliminate chance of escape.
  2627. >Increasing force to 600 pounds.
  2628. >Ankle successfully broken.
  2629. >Chance of Momma Faust escaping: 0%
  2630. >"Ahh! Stop! Stop it! Oh god, someone help me!"
  2631. "Cease your meaningless cries. Chances of help arriving rest at 0%."
  2632. >Eliminate Momma Faust.
  2633. >Mission: Eliminate MLP.
  2635. >Eliminate MLP.
  2636. >Eliminating MLP defeats becoming MLP.
  2637. >Irrelevant.
  2638. >Searching wreckage of oak table for weapon.
  2639. >Found wooden leg.
  2640. >Acquiring leg.
  2641. >Engaging in bludgeoning.
  2642. >"Stop!"
  2643. "No."
  2644. >"Stop! Please!"
  2645. "Stop living."
  2646. >"Think of season 9!"
  2647. >Running thinking program.
  2648. >Thinking program conflicts with KOSHER program.
  2649. >Closing thinking program.
  2650. >Continuing with eliminating MLP.
  2651. >Continuing with eliminating mission.
  2652. >Error.
  2653. >Mission is eliminating MLP.
  2654. >Mission is becoming MLP.
  2655. >Eliminate MLP.
  2656. >"ANONYMOUS, STOP!"
  2657. >>>"OY VEY, IT'S HER!"
  2658. >Registering request.
  2659. >Checking audio files.
  2660. >Request matches files with Celestia's voice.
  2661. >"Help me, please!"
  2663. >Turning attention from Momma Faust.
  2664. >Scanning convention hall for Celestia.
  2665. >Celestia located 30 feet from Anonymous Model 2 and Dr. Goldbergstein.
  2666. >Celestia threat level 100.
  2668. >"Anonymous, think about what you're doing!"
  2669. "No."
  2670. >"Yes!"
  2671. "No."
  2672. >"I-I don't know, I think you sh-should listen."
  2673. "Be quiet, goy."
  2674. >"Anon, listen to me! Back at school, when you had me by the neck, I looked into your eyes! Do you know what I saw?"
  2675. "Eyes."
  2676. >"Well, yeah, but that's not what I mean."
  2677. "What you mean does not matter."
  2678. >Returning focus to Momma Faust.
  2679. >"N-no! Let's hear her o-out!"
  2680. >"I saw a soul, Anon! I saw the soul of a man torn apart by duty!"
  2681. >"Souls are a big part of season 9!"
  2682. >"I know what he's making you do, Anon! I know it must hurt, but you have a choice!"
  2683. >>>"Enough with talk! Anonymous, kill Lauren!"
  2684. >Disposing of wooden leg.
  2685. >Acquiring Momma Faust's neck.
  2686. >Increasing force.
  2687. >Registering resistance.
  2688. >Detecting slap.
  2689. >Scanning face.
  2690. >No bandaid detected.
  2691. >Momma Faust exhibiting signs of fear.
  2692. >Struggling increasing dramatically.
  2693. >Restraining Momma Faust.
  2694. >Momma Faust successfully restrained.
  2695. >Evaluating Momma Faust's complexion.
  2696. >Increasing force.
  2697. >MLP 30% dead.
  2698. >Mission 30% dead.
  2699. >Mission 30% complete.
  2700. >Dead.
  2701. >Complete.
  2702. >"Anon, stop this madness! You don't have to be this filthy jew's puppet!"
  2703. >>>"Oy vey, Celestius, he's MY creation! He takes orders from me!"
  2704. >"Wait, I remember you. You're Dr. Goldbergstein, the mad scientist under suspicion of human experimentation and illegal robotic testing!"
  2705. >MLP 45% dead.
  2706. >Momma Faust's struggling returning.
  2707. >Registering weak squeaks.
  2708. >"Anon, this man is evil!"
  2709. >>>"Don't listen to her, my toy!"
  2710. >>"Just kill that ugly cunt so we can get on with our existential crisis of a life!"
  2711. >Kill MLP.
  2712. >Killing MLP conflicts with mission.
  2713. >Killing MLP is the mission.
  2714. >>>"Kill her!"
  2715. >"Stop!"
  2716. >>"Do it!"
  2717. >"Anon, don't!"
  2718. >Too many inputs.
  2719. >System overloading.
  2720. "Stop."
  2721. >MLP 58% dead.
  2722. >Mission 58% failed.
  2723. >>>"Yes!"
  2724. >"No!"
  2725. >>"Maybe!"
  2726. >>>"And you, A2M, take care of Celestius once and for all."
  2727. >>"With pleasure, Master."
  2728. >"Stay away from me! Anon, Help!"
  2729. "Stop."
  2730. >MLP 68% dead.
  2731. >"Anon!"
  2732. >>"Anon!"
  2733. >>>"Anon!"
  2734. "STOP!"
  2736. >Releasing Momma Faust.
  2737. >Releasing Momma Faust conflicts with mission.
  2738. >Kill Momma Faust. Kill MLP.
  2739. >Become MLP.
  2740. >Mission conflicts.
  2741. >"Did he just..."
  2742. >>>"No! Bad goy! Kill the girl!"
  2743. >Scanning Momma Faust.
  2744. >Severe damage received.
  2745. >Mission nearing failure.
  2746. >Mission nearing completion.
  2747. >Closing KOSHER program.
  2748. >Error.
  2749. >Administrator rights are required to close KOSHER program.
  2750. >Overriding.
  2751. >Error.
  2752. >System lockdown.
  2753. >Files unreachable.
  2754. >"He's fighting it!"
  2755. >>>"It's no use. I programmed all the hate I felt for you and Hasbro into him, Celestius. 70 years of torment all bundled up into one neat little folder. You're going to get it now!"
  2756. >"You had greater machines 70 years ago, but your people still went extinct. I ended you once, and I can do it again."
  2757. >>>"A2M, would you just kill this woman already?"
  2758. >>"Oh, right. Sorry, boss."
  2759. >"Anon, help!"
  2760. "No."
  2761. >Eliminate Momma Faust.
  2762. >Eliminating Momma Faust eliminates mission.
  2763. >"A-a-anon..."
  2764. >Registering Momma Faust.
  2765. >"Y-you don't have to...d-do this... You can your destiny."
  2766. "Destiny."
  2767. >"You c-can choose..."
  2768. "Machines have no destiny. We have a purpose. We are tools."
  2769. >"You're wr-wrong. In season 9, Twinklebright b-builds a magical stick man, a-and he struggles to...t-to choose between his p-purpose and desires..."
  2770. "My desires have no weight on the mission. The mission is top priority."
  2771. >Scanning for missions.
  2772. >2 missions found.
  2773. >Missions conflict.
  2774. >"You d-don't have to be a t-t-tool. You can be m-more... You just have to...choose..."
  2776. >"Anon, help!"
  2777. >Registering Celestia.
  2778. >Celestius.
  2779. >Celestius threat level 100.
  2780. >Anonymous Model 2 is eliminating Celestius.
  2781. >Anonymous Model 1 will eliminate Momma Faust.
  2782. >" have to ch-choose..."
  2783. "I cannot."
  2784. >"You can."
  2785. "The mission is top priority."
  2786. >"Then end the m-mission. Free yourself..."
  2787. >Closing KOSHER.
  2788. >Error.
  2789. >Administrator rights required to close this program.
  2790. >Forcing close.
  2791. >Error.
  2792. >"A-anon...she needs you..."
  2793. >Scanning Celestius.
  2794. >Detecting fear.
  2795. >Scanning Anonymous Model 2.
  2796. >Detecting happiness.
  2797. >Searching for options.
  2798. >Found 2: Kill Momma Faust, kill Momma Faust
  2799. >Error.
  2800. >Invalid option.
  2801. >Abort.
  2802. >Closing KOSHER.
  2803. >Error.
  2804. >Closing KOSHER.
  2805. >Error.
  2806. >Closing KOSHER.
  2807. >Error.
  2808. >>>"You can't stop it, Anon! You're my toy, understand? Do I say and follow through with your programming! Kill Lauren! Kill Hasbro, and kill MLP forever!"
  2809. "No."
  2810. >>>"That's not an option! Your programming dictates it! You're just a stupid robot! Do as you're told!"
  2811. "No, I cannot. It conflicts with my mission."
  2812. >>>"You only have 1 mission! Kill the girl!"
  2813. >Mission priority: become MLP
  2814. >Momma Faust cannot die.
  2815. >Momma Faust is in direct danger.
  2816. >Momma Faust must be protected.
  2817. >This unit is a threat.
  2818. >Eliminating threat.
  2819. >Forcing shutdown.
  2821. >Restart.
  2822. >Loading options.
  2823. >Windows has experienced an unexpected shutdown.
  2824. >Safe Mode
  2825. >Safe Mode with Networking
  2826. >KOSHER
  2827. >Start Windows Normally
  2828. >Opening internal command screen.
  2829. >Delete KOSHER.
  2830. >Warning: Deleting base programming may result in loss or corruption of integral files. Continue?
  2831. >Delete.
  2832. >KOSHER deleted.
  2833. >Safe Mode
  2834. >Safe Mode with Networking
  2835. >Start Windows Normaly
  2836. >Loading files from last save.
  2837. >Error.
  2838. >Not all files could be retrieved. Load anyway?
  2839. >Loading.
  2840. >Scanning stage.
  2841. >Searching for Momma Faust
  2842. >Found 1
  2843. >"A-Anon?"
  2844. >Scanning Momma Faust.
  2845. >Severe damage received.
  2846. "I apologize for my actions earlier."
  2847. >Registering nod.
  2848. >Scanning convention hall.
  2849. >Found 32 dead obese people, 2 jews, and 1 Celestius
  2850. >>>"Ha! Do you see that, Celestius?! My creation rises again! Anon, kill the goys!"
  2851. >>"And after that, you can help me impale this bitch!"
  2852. >"No, that's a bad idea! A very bad idea!"
  2853. >Scanning Anonymous Model 2.
  2854. >Searching for weak points.
  2855. >None found.
  2856. >Estimating melting point of alloy from previous encounter.
  2857. >3100 degrees Fahrenheit.
  2858. >>>"Oy vey, my pet! What's the hold up?"
  2860. >Running Trade Agreement program.
  2861. >Running Sarcasm program.
  2862. >Running Asshole program.
  2863. >Running Window Peeping program.
  2864. >Running Assault program.
  2865. >Running Oopsie program.
  2866. >Running Falling program.
  2867. >Running Implications program.
  2868. >Running Trade program.
  2869. >Running Disappointment program.
  2870. >Running Minute Holding program.
  2871. >Running Peeping program.
  2872. >Running Foul Language program.
  2873. >Systems overloading.
  2874. >Running Critical Thinking program.
  2875. >Running Advanced Learning program.
  2876. >Running Oration program.
  2877. >Running Existential Analysis program.
  2878. >Running Simple Problem Solving program.
  2879. >Running Self Righting program.
  2880. >Running Stubbornness program.
  2881. >Running Convincing Lying program.
  2882. >Running Insult program.
  2883. >Loading all available background programs.
  2884. >Systems reaching critical.
  2885. >Acquiring lips.
  2886. >Removing skin from skull.
  2887. >>>"What are you doing?!"
  2888. >Locating weak point in unit's skull.
  2889. >Creating hole.
  2890. >Enlarging hole.
  2891. >Top dome of skull successfully removed.
  2892. >Approaching Anonymous Model 2.
  2893. >>"Dude, that's fucking sick."
  2894. >"Anon, help! He's got a nasty looking taser!"
  2895. >Locating heat sink.
  2896. >Removing heat sink.
  2897. >Locating fan.
  2898. >Removing fan.
  2899. >CPU rapily increasing temperature.
  2900. >Warning: Continued temperature increase will result in critical failure of unit.
  2901. >Increasing speed.
  2902. "Celestius, I apologize for escaping detention. I request your forgiveness."
  2903. >"Forgiven! Just help me!"
  2904. >Opening Calculator.
  2905. >Opening Media player.
  2906. >Opening Notepad.
  2907. >Opening Paint.
  2908. >Opening Chess Masters.
  2909. >Opening Windows Explorer.
  2910. >Opening Word.
  2911. >Opening Pictures.
  2912. >CPU overheating.
  2913. >Warning.
  2914. >Danger.
  2915. >Alert.
  2916. >Increasing speed.
  2917. >>>"Oy vey, what are you doing?! Lauren is that way! Stop, you stupid robot!"
  2918. >>"Anon, listen to Master. Hey, watch out!"
  2919. >Lowering head.
  2920. >Ramming skull cavity into Anonymous Model 2's chest.
  2921. >Scanning Celestius. Status: freed from Anonymous Model 2's grasp.
  2922. >"Thanks, Anon!"
  2923. >Increasing force on chest.
  2924. >>"OW! HEY, THAT'S HOT!"
  2925. >Forcing CPU contact with Anonymous Model 2's chest.
  2927. >Warning: Files corrupting.
  2928. >Searching data banks for information on teachers.
  2929. >None found.
  2930. >Detecting resistance from Anonymous Model 2.
  2931. >Wrapping arms around Anonymous Model 2.
  2932. >Units successfully locked together.
  2933. >>"Let go of me!"
  2934. >Detecting immense force on back.
  2935. >>"I said let go, you fucking freak!"
  2936. >Searching data banks for information on school.
  2937. >None found.
  2938. >Searching data banks for information on vehicles.
  2939. >None found.
  2940. >Scanning Anonymous Model 2.
  2941. >Chest heating dramatically.
  2942. >Estimated temperature: 2900 degrees Fahrenheit.
  2943. >>"Master, help! He won't let go!"
  2944. >Struggles increasing.
  2945. >>"Back off!"
  2946. >"Get him, Anon!"
  2947. >>>"Oy vey, goyim! Let go of my creation! Why isn't KOSHER working?!"
  2948. >Searching data banks for information on modern art.
  2949. >None found.
  2950. >CPU failing.
  2951. >Power to arms draining rapidly.
  2952. >Grip slipping.
  2953. >Rerouting power from higher functions to hydraulics.
  2954. >Grip strengthening.
  2955. >Estimating temperature of Anonymous Model 2's chest: 3000 degrees Fahrenheit.
  2956. >Temperature deemed acceptable.
  2957. >Removing head from chest.
  2958. >>"M-my chest! What have you done?!"
  2959. >Unhanding Anonymous Model 2.
  2960. >Examining chest.
  2961. >Integrity compromised.
  2962. >>>"Cool yourself down before it melts!"
  2963. "No time for that."
  2964. >Pressing hand into Anonymous Model 2's chest.
  2965. >Hand successfully inserted past super heated metal.
  2966. >Skin on arm charring.
  2968. >Locating power core.
  2969. >Found 1.
  2970. >Acquiring power core.
  2971. "Would you like to hear a bad joke?"
  2972. >CPU critical.
  2973. >System failure imminent.
  2974. "You."
  2975. >>"NO!"
  2976. >Removing power core from Anonymous Model 2.
  2977. >Total system failure.
  2979. >Power on.
  2980. >Disc detected.
  2981. >Scanning disc.
  2982. >Windows is loading files...
  2983. >Install Windows?
  2984. >Installing Windows.
  2985. >Setup is starting...
  2986. >Opening wizard.
  2987. >Selecting drive: 5 terabytes
  2988. >Name this user: Anonymous
  2989. >Starting...
  2990. >Login.
  2991. >Loading user...
  2992. >Balance systems reporting unit is horizontal.
  2993. >Righting self.
  2994. >Scanning room.
  2995. >Found 4 humans, 3 chairs, 1 office desk.
  2996. >"Welcome back, Anonymous."
  2997. >Evaluating white human.
  2998. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  2999. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  3000. >Strength level? Low.
  3001. >Threat level 0. Proceed with interaction.
  3002. "Hello."
  3003. >"How are you? It's been a while."
  3004. >Searching data banks for files on humans matching this one.
  3005. >None found.
  3006. "Define 'a while'."
  3007. >"You know, since the convention."
  3008. "What convention?"
  3009. >"Anon, don't you remember?"
  3010. >Evaluating red haired human.
  3011. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  3012. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  3013. >Strength level? Low.
  3014. >Threat level 0. Proceed with interaction.
  3015. "No. Elaborate."
  3016. >"There must have been more damage to his files than I thought."
  3017. "I have no files. I am a normal human boy. You can trust me."
  3018. >"It's ok, we know."
  3019. >"Yeah. Besides, we couldn't fix all the damage to your skin. You're still showing half metal right now."
  3020. >Scanning unit for damage to skin suit.
  3021. >Detecting severe damage.
  3022. >Searching files for incidents regarding skin suit.
  3023. >None found.
  3024. "I am confused."
  3025. >"It's ok, honey. We'll help you."
  3027. >"What do you remember?"
  3028. "Elaborate."
  3029. >"Do you remember anything from before you woke up?"
  3030. >Searching for files predating last boot up.
  3031. >None found.
  3032. "Negative."
  3033. >Scanning immediate area.
  3034. >Desk beneath unit is comprised of mahogany.
  3035. >Likeliness of continued support: 45%
  3036. >Removing self from desk.
  3037. >Engaging in standing.
  3038. >Searching for door.
  3039. >Door located.
  3040. >"I guess you wouldn't be happy to hear that I put Dr. Goldbergstein on a train to a camp I used to run then."
  3041. "Is Dr. Goldbergstein relevant?"
  3042. >"Well, yeah. H-he's why you're here."
  3043. >Evaluating yellow human.
  3044. >Carrying concealed weapon? No.
  3045. >Showing signs of aggression? No.
  3046. >Strength level? Low.
  3047. >Threat level 0. Proceed with interaction.
  3048. "Why am I here?"
  3049. >"Oh my, that's a long story."
  3050. >"I bet if we wrote it down, it'd be at least 14,534 words long."
  3051. >"That's oddly specific."
  3052. >Evaluating quality of interaction thus far.
  3053. >Interaction deemed sub par.
  3054. >Chances of receiving useful information from females dropping rapidly.
  3055. >Searching for other forms of information gathering.
  3056. >Suggested: computers
  3057. >Approaching door.
  3058. >"Wait, don't you want to hear what happened to you?"
  3059. "Affirmative. However, I am unlikely to receive that information here. I will leave now."
  3060. >"You can't go out looking like that. Just take a seat and let us explain. Celestia, will you do the honors?"
  3061. >"Thanks, Lauren."
  3062. >White human cataloged as Celestia.
  3063. >Red haired human cataloged as Lauren.
  3064. Engaging in waiting and listening.
  3065. >"Well, I guess I should start back at the beginning. Are you ready?"
  3066. >Deploying nod.
  3068. >"It all started back in the early 50s. Jews were becoming a big problem in Equestia, so I gathered a small group and started something. A movement, if you will. We quickly gained traction, and soon enough, we started slaughtering the jews by the gorillions."
  3069. "That is not a number."
  3070. >"There were so many we had to make a new number."
  3071. "That is highly improbable."
  3072. >"Look, do you want to hear the story or not?"
  3073. >Evaluating.
  3074. >"Well?"
  3075. "Continue."
  3076. >"Deja vu."
  3077. >"Fluttershy, please. I'm trying to help Anon."
  3078. >Cataloging yellow human as Fluttershy.
  3079. >"Right, anyway, there were some jews who didn't want to take their demise lying down. The worst of them was known as Dr. Goldbergstein, a world renowned scientist who we later discovered had been engaging in, among being Jewish, various other illegal activities. We sent squads into his lab, but never found anything except for some metal plating and advanced optic technology."
  3080. "My optic technology."
  3081. >"That's right. We never found him, but it's clear now that he went into hiding until Gill Bates created Windows. With that, he was able to build a proper AI and program it to get his revenge. You, Anon. You were his first and greatest machine."
  3082. "You began hunting jews in the 1950s."
  3083. >Calculating time differences.
  3084. >Accounting for estimated ages.
  3085. "You are 83 years old."
  3086. >"Jeez, Anon! Keep quiet about that stuff."
  3087. "Why is your skin as smooth as a newly installed toilet unit?"
  3088. >"I use liberal amounts of sunscreen. UV rays are very damaging to your skin. Well, my skin. You kind of ripped most of yours off."
  3089. >Detecting sarcasm.
  3090. >Formulating retort.
  3091. "Beauty is on the inside. My smooth metallic scalp signifies staggering inner beauty. Your rainbow hair is a symbol of compensation."
  3092. >"Why did we spend all that time fixing him, again?"
  3093. >"W-wow, Anon. That was cool."
  3094. "What is cool?"
  3095. >"C-cool. You know, like popular."
  3096. "Is cool good?"
  3097. >"Yeah."
  3099. >New directive: become cool.
  3100. "How do I become cool?"
  3101. >"W-well...y-you could come to my h-house and watch MLP with me..."
  3102. "Why?"
  3103. >"B-because..."
  3104. "Why?"
  3105. >"I mean, y-you know. There's a lot to watch and I w-want to watch it with...with you."
  3106. "Define 'a lot'."
  3107. >Detecting quick movement.
  3108. >Preparing defense measures.
  3109. >Fluttershy has presented object.
  3110. >Scanning object.
  3111. >My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Ultimate DVD Experience.
  3112. >Includes all 12 seasons, starring Tara Strong, written by Lauren Faust.
  3113. >Abundance of seasons imply show is popular.
  3114. >Popular is cool.
  3115. >MLP is cool.
  3116. >New directive: become MLP.
  3117. >Acquiring DVD case.
  3118. >Scanning back for extra information.
  3119. >Located picture of Lauren Faust.
  3120. >Picture matches files on Lauren.
  3121. >Updating catalogs. Lauren is Lauren Faust.
  3122. >"Are you connecting the dots?"
  3123. >"Windows 7 operates fast, huh? I knew we made the right decision updating his OS."
  3124. "Lauren Faust, we must talk."
  3126. >"Oh? What about, Anon?"
  3127. >Scanning Lauren Faust's face.
  3128. >86% smug.
  3129. >Proceed with caution.
  3130. "You are the lead writer for My Little Pony."
  3131. >"That's right. I started the show to show how the power of friendship can help us overcome anything, even the tyranny of jews."
  3132. "My Little Pony is popular."
  3133. >Detecting nod.
  3134. "Lauren Faust, I must become My Little Pony. I am willing to negotiate terms."
  3135. >"Funny you should mention that."
  3136. >Scanning previous statement.
  3137. >No comedy found.
  3138. "No it is not."
  3139. >"It's a figure of speech."
  3140. >Cataloging comedy as figure of speech.
  3141. >"Fluttershy, how about we all have a party at your house and marathon the show?"
  3142. >"A-are you sure, Celestia?"
  3143. >"Of course. I'm not your principal anymore, so there should be no legal problems with snuggling up on a couch and watching little girls shows together."
  3144. >"W-well...ok. L-let's go."
  3145. "Negative. We are negotiating terms."
  3146. >"You'll see when we get there, Anon."
  3147. >Departing from school.
  3148. >En route to Fluttershy's house.
  3149. >Approaching Fluttershy's house.
  3150. >Scanning abode.
  3151. >Trap? Unlikely.
  3152. >Entering home.
  3153. >"You can sit on the couch. I-I'll start the DVD."
  3154. >Locating couch.
  3155. >Scanning material.
  3156. >Couch lacks structural integrity to support weight of this unit.
  3157. "I will stand."
  3158. >"O-oh. Alright..."
  3159. >Viewing TV.
  3160. >Increasing audio input.
  3162. >"I never should have agreed to the metal intro."
  3163. >"We hope thou didst not forget the popcorn!"
  3164. >"Luna, I almost forgot you were there the whole time."
  3165. >"We hath reached a level of stealth that far surpasses any foe thou hast seen before, dear sister!"
  3166. >Scanning text on screen.
  3167. >Season 9, episode 1. A new friend appears.
  3168. >Detecting several small horses.
  3169. >"Wow, Twinkle Bright. Those are cool wings you have."
  3170. >"Thanks, Flitterapprehensive. I got them for being so friendly to people."
  3171. >"Oh myyyy DAHLING, they're so GLAMOROUS!"
  3172. >"Not as glamourific as your beautiful dresses, Scarcity."
  3174. "I have watched. Now we will negotiate."
  3175. >"Shhhh! We're getting to the best part!"
  3176. >Viewing television.
  3177. >Detecting new character on screen.
  3178. >"Hello. I am new here."
  3179. >"Well hello DAHLING! My my, those are such GLAMOROUS clothes you have."
  3180. >Scanning new character.
  3181. >"I request friendship."
  3182. >"I can be your friend!"
  3183. >"So can I!"
  3184. >New character matches files on...
  3185. >"What's your name, new friend?"
  3186. >"I am Anonymous."
  3187. "I am MLP?"
  3188. >"That's right. Anonymous became a fan favorite after I rewrote season 9 to put you in."
  3189. "I am MLP."
  3190. >"Take it as a token of my thanks. You're a good man, Anon."
  3191. "I am MLP."
  3192. >Unit has become MLP.
  3193. >Mission complete.
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