UPDATE: I (25M, 'straight') and my ex gf's (41F) husband (37M, straight..? )

Link to original post.

TL;DR: I ruined his marriage, but hopefully I'll give him a better relationship instead?

Okay, wow, hello, I do know that it has been a really long time, and I doubt a lot of people remember my post, but I did promise everyone an update, so here it is. A lot has happened in a short time, ever since my last post.

It is a long read. I honestly didn't even realise how much I had written until after I was done with it. Lol.

Well, at that point in time, all I wanted to do was take him out for a date on his birthday, and make it as special as possible. After reading all of your replies, I decided against doing so. There was a lot that I needed to uncover before taking that step, so I held myself back. He spent his birthday with his friends (small gathering I think). It stung a little. But, we ended up facetiming anyways. So I guess I didn't really mind much.

Apologies that I didn't clarify this in the previous post, but I moved back to my own apartment midway through January. I had only moved into his house last year when the first lockdown was announced, and then in September, because the particular area of my complex was declared a dangerous zone due to a sudden surge in cases. Of course, I was still in touch with him through video calls and such, we had only seen each other physically maybe once or twice since I moved back.

Basically, from what I could gather off of what all of you told me, I realised that it would probably be a good idea for me to take some time to understand my relationship with him before doing something erratic. I began seeing a therapist (I saw a therapist when I was younger as well, and my family had been saying it would be good to go now as well), and from our sessions I tried to understand if my feelings for him 'real' or more of an impulsive thing because of the whole cheating situation. In short, she and I had discussions about him as a person, our age gap, shared trauma/trauma bonding (some of you suggested that, thank you!) etc. and how that may have impacted how I viewed him. While it made me reflect more upon our relationship, it wasn't exactly something that changed my feelings for him (we still kept in touch.) My therapist thought that I should trust myself if I believed that I genuinely liked him, but still hold off from pursuing a relationship. I was kind of upset at that, but whatever.

Again, because of you guys (and my therapist) him and I began talking about things that I guess we had ignored? His relationship with his ex, my relationship with her, how he felt about her, how happy he was in their marriage, why he felt no anger towards me, etc. (Like I said he'd suspected her cheating before as well, and general began feeling upset with how she treated him, but didn't feel like his feelings were 'valid' enough to leave. And ever since then he had begun directing his anger towards her more than anything.) He agreed that perhaps our relationship (the basis of it) was unusual, but he told me didn't want me to think that he was friends with me for some ulterior motive or unsaid vengeance, and he appreciated my company more than anything. I told him that it might be a good idea for him to see a therapist as well. (He does see one, now.)

Other than that, without boring you with the details, I talked to him about sexuality/sexual ambiguity, the lgbt+ community, and other things you guys said that I should find out about him and his attitudes of being gay if I did choose to ask him out. He figured out the sudden change in topic lol, so he asked if I was questioning my sexuality. I told him maybe, but I wasn't sure. He told me he'd support me however he could. (We ended up having a lot of conversations about masculinity and stuff - he's a mix of feminine and masculine in a way that wouldn't make his sex clear at first glance? Like, he has a fit build with typically masculine body features, but he's also thin and has typically feminine facial features? And how he wasn't sure if every time he looked at a masculine man it was out of attraction or envy lol.) I also thought about what some of you said… figuring out my sexuality with online tests/putting a label. But I honestly came to the conclusion (like most of you said) that I didn't necessarily have any interest in doing that and it wasn't important to figure out exactly what I was (at least for right now). Anywys, all I knew is that he might not be interested in men, but he was definitely not a bigot either.

I also finally told one of my best friends. She's a lesbian, and she was understandably excited about my new gay feelings, lol. She thought that unless I was romanticising the time I spent with him, there's a solid chance he liked me back. So I guess, I was just like...? Yeah. I mean, I didn't have any doubts about my feelings for him, and my therapist basically told me that it's unlikely this is me projecting an unhealthy relationship dynamic on him. I was like yeah, let me tell him how I feel.

During one of our facetime calls (it wasn't becoming a schedule or something but we talked often on call after I went back to my own apartment) I took one of yours' advice, and basically told him that hey, I hate the situation we met in but you've become important for me, and the way you've supported me makes me feel amazing, and sometimes I feel like the way we act is how I have imagined my dream relationship to be like, and I really wouldn't mind if that was with you, so if there's even a tiny chance that you feel the same, let me take you out for dinner.

He told me that he was very flattered to have someone like me feel that way about him, but he's not thought about feelings for a long time and he isn't sure how to respond. I told him he doesn't have to say anything. So he told me that he, at least for now, will say no to the date. I told him that I was equally glad with that answer. I didn't say much after that, because honestly what was I supposed to, lmao. It was very awkward. But he began looking upset, and that made me feel bad, because obviously, the first thing I thought was that I'd jeopardised our friendship. So I asked him if he was okay. He told me that he lied, and how he hates lying about his feelings? And a bunch of other stuff that wasn't really making sense. I was confused, and I asked him if he was mad at me. He told me he was saying yes to the date.

We didn't go out because covid lmao, but he came over to mine and we had a fun dinner. I wouldn't say it was awkward... but like shy? I didn't know how to behave with him, lol. Still, it was a good date.

The date was only last night so I'm kind of shaking as I type this lol, it's embarrassing. We kissed haha. I mean it only lasted for maybe 5 seconds, but it was still really good. He told me he wanted to take it slow. No rushing and no sudden decisions, especially no moving in to each other's houses lol. I said I didn't mind as long as he liked me.

I know there's a lot more to think about. Things that go way beyond my feelings; I've only been in two other serious relationships (I don't want to sound very fuckboy-like, but a lot of my relationships were like the one I had with his ex wife... mostly sexual with the rare sprinkle of feelings), and in no relationship with a man. I know it's not much different, but there's also bigger things I need to think about. Coming out, explaining to my parents and (other) friends, having sex with him (I have gay friends but again, I've never slept with a man), what this means for my own sexuality and stuff. And if we became more serious (which we hopefully will), understanding his culture (he's half-Japanese), understanding him, keeping this healthy even when we don't see each other irl, and how his view on serious relationships has changed ever since his divorce, etc. They're not necessarily worries, but it's things that I'll need to address that I'm not thinking about right now

Still, I cant thank all of you enough for the support. The only reason I know I'm doing this right is because the advice you gave to me. If I acted as impulsively as I wanted to, I wouldn't have ended up like this, I'm sure of that. I'm gonna keep seeing my therapist, but except for that, I guess I just have to figure out how to maintain the good relationship with him.

Thanks a lot :)