Way Too Much

I've tossed around the idea of doing one of these a little bit in my head and eventually arrived at doing so. Here it is. The novel.

While I'd like to talk exclusively about GDQ first, and then take the opportunity to continue on about some personal matters, the two have plenty of overlap, so it will be hard to totally separate them. I'll still try my best and even divide the sections as I get through everything. <3

As a preface, a lot of my stress in life comes from the feeling of constantly needing to prove my adequacy socially. "Constantly" more as in proving it to each and every one I meet, and less as in reaffirming it to those who I already feel I've, er, impressed. It parallels with such philosophies as guilty till proven innocent. My standards may be so harsh and unreasonable that I believe I'm not even an acceptable human being until I make a room full of people light up and laugh or something. It's insane and hard to deal with. I don't know why I feel that way. I'm not negatively judging others for not doing that, so why I'm so hard on myself is unknown to me.

I apologize in advance if some of this is hard to understand. That is probably on my part in writing it poorly.




GDQ:
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I have been to quite a few GDQs before. Five to be exact: A'14, S'14, A'15, A'16, and now A'19 (ESA'17 as well, but not here to talk about that). I would rank A'19 my new favorite GDQ I've attended. Second was S'14. Worst was a tie between A'16 and A'14, but both of these were still pretty great, you know.

I was really proud of myself with how I interacted with others at this GDQ. Social skills like any other skill aren't something we're all innately perfect with. And there's no shame in that. I've struggled with feeling confident and capable in social settings pretty much all of my life. If it's not doubting that other people like me/want me around, it's not believing in my ability to connect with people meaningfully, or a wide variety of other thoughts triggered by social anxiety, or as I like to say since hearing my sister term it so: social awareness gone haywire. Our beliefs and assumptions about the world are a guiding light in our life. Unfortunately with this haywire social awareness, we can jump to conclusions and be led astray into thinking a series of irrational beliefs that may interfere and stifle interactions. "I'm not good enough." "He's way cooler than me." "I'll never be funny." "I'm bothering this person talking to them." bigfatetc. On the bright side, like I said, I was able to beat most of this the whole time. I felt pretty free from my demons. In fact, I've made significant strides on my demons just in general over the last period of about a month or so. Feels pretty great. They still get me at times...I don't know if I believe in achieving a complete victory over them. I think lows in life are simply part of the deal, where the problems that have plagued you for years will continue taking their turn bending you over and ramming you up the bum. The goal, then, is making it as infrequent as possible!


I traveled with DylWingo, a close friend of mine who I originally met through Twitch. Turned out we live about 40 minutes away, so since meeting up in 2017, we've spent many a hangout together. It was nice going to the airport with him, sitting next to each other on the plane, and figuring out all that other stuff with a friend. Beats solo travel by a long shot.

We showed up late to the party on Tuesday the 8th. GDQ started that Sunday before -- 6th, and I heard loads of people showed up Saturday the 5th. I got sick that same 5th/6th weekend and was still sick for the traveling and showing up initially on Tuesday. The very first thing I did was take a nap. Then in the evening, it was time for one of the few things I had outright planned beforehand, affectionately dubbed BGDQ. Banned-GDQ, where I hung out with a few individuals who are banned from the event. I have no problem talking about this since we broke no rules and were not on the event's premises whatsoever.

After that, I had four straight days: Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, for straight debauchery. All damn day. Here's my credit card don't care the price. Stay up til 9am or whenever. Deprive myself of sleep. Drink. Smoke. Hang with the homies and just do whatever. Thrive in a warm and embracing scene. Live it up. Not worry about anything. It was just all great. These meetups have properties like a fantasy, you know? A week in some dream-like setting.

I probably didn't do enough gaming. That was one thing I'd lowkey change if I could do it over. I played some memey party games a time or two, then partook in the Playstation mystery vs. tournament and the Evil Zone tournament. That was IT. There was no Bash co-op race (CriHard), no Spyro trifecta relay, no nothin'. On the note of the Playstation mystery tourney, that was one of the most enjoyable things. At least in terms of gaming-related activities, it was by far my favorite moment from the week. Big ups to CavemanDCJ.

All in all, definitely the most fun week I've had the pleasure of experiencing in a long time. Thank you.


/EDIT: OH YEAH. RUNS. DERP.
What I caught live:
Chex Quest (Peaches)
Pokemon...Gold I think it was? gen2 (Gunnermaniac / Pokeguy : race)
Klonoa (Trob)
Ratchet UYA (Xem)

What a joy seeing Chex Quest was. Peaches has a way of giving such an incredibly full and meaningful presentation of any game he presents to GDQ. What a gosh darned treat. I seriously can't get over it. Love that man.

Pokemon race I only caught the last hour. It was about a 3 and a half hour run. It was a fun time with a fun couch and good chemistry between donation reader and runners/couch. Pokemon is always a pleasure at GDQs. The pokemon scene is based af.

Klonoa - I'm so sorry I was SO sleepy during this. It was like 6am. And I'm apologizing more to myself, like "Sorry that you missed out on such a good showing, Stephen" and less to the runner, but still to the runner. Trob killed it. Really interesting speedgame.

Ratchet w Xem and the bois. That was pretty marvelous. brodudeguy commentary you know. What really completes a Xem-GDQ experience for me is his singing. You're a one of a kind dude. Don't eva stop. ♥




Shoutouts:
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Joe/Joester98 - In life, we run across people we admire. While I may not be able to spell all the reasons out, just know that it was seriously wonderful to meet you and chill with you. Keep bein' awesome.

Spud/Spudlyman - YUS, we did a buncha shit together this time around. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who considers that a privilege. When the scientist that created you fused a human man with a potato, I don't think anyone could have guessed it would create such a dank individual. Love.

Nitrof/Nitrofski - This man says so much with so little. It's always great to see you and have your company. Please keep coming to events even if streaming isn't how you spend your time these days. <3 JOLLY RANCHER WHISKEY DRINK >>>>

Blunts/BluntsMoses - I think there is something so deeply inherent about my personality as a chill/stoner/hippie type even before I had tried the stuff. It was no surprise to me we hit it off as much as we did lolol. Loved every god damn moment I got to spend with you, my dude. Don't ever stop.

EZScape - What the helllllll. We didn't meet up til when?! Friday??? SO glad we did though. God dang. You are one of the cooliest. Love you bro thx for chillin'.

André/Santana - Keeping with tradition, we got to have our "sit down and play through Ape Escape" life talks. I'm glad we spent more time together than in 2016 or whenever that last was, but even then, I would've liked to spend even more time with you. SHOULDA JOINED IN DC TRIP. I hope you know how fricken inspiring you are to me. "Never stop evolvin' even though you know you're blessed / make sure that your next day will always be your best." ♫

Keeto/Keeto222 - THIS GUY! I seriously love you. Your little zinger comments had me repeating them and crackin' up constantly. I was so happy to finally get to meet you, and spend a buncha time together to boot. =)

Whit/Whit_Send - ESA hoodie r e p r e s e n t. Hey we spent almost an entire day together, along with more time other days. You're a lovely person to talk to. I really appreciated having you a part of any conversation. People as pleasant and friendly as you are few and far between.

Erin/ferianjay - You're sick. In all the best ways. You and André, top 2 "I took something from this person" people. Not physically you know, but. Inspiration. It's always so fantastic to see speedrunner's talents and skills /outside/ the game up close n' personal. Listening to you play piano was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard in my life. I was seriously IN Final Fantasy 7. Remember, I had to ASK if you had made any mistakes. Legit wasn't sure. I'm just a big fan of imperfection and it makes things even more beautiful. I guess all the years listening to my Mom on piano redoing parts if she made an error, instead of continuing, was kinda lame! I really hope I didn't diss you when we talked about that!! LilZ

Teddy/SkiCrazedTeddy - My goodness. You have no idea how excited I was to meet you, and how justifiable that excitement turned out to be. That evening was for real like the best ever. Thank you so much for coming out to chill and providing a lot of the other pieces to the puzzle such as transportation, room, at your own expense. This ain't the end, buddy. ♫ ♫

Andrea/Cyberdemon - I've said it before I'll say it again. I love you. I'm not sure why. I love a lotta people, but for someone who I really couldn't agree with / offended me a lot in the past, it's funny I feel that's all water under the bridge. I'm not as sensitive/defending of others as I once was, I suppose. Come get hi with me lololol

(Zed)bm/Domdomzbm - THIS MOTHER flipper. I can't even. You're just way too dope. All my yes.
Zigzag is red
Zigzag is blue
Zigzag more ✓
or I'll zigzag you.

Cane/Caneofpacci - Known you for so long and I feel that bond carries its own mystifying significance. First metcha 5 years back at AGDQ14 and who knows when we started associating online...2012 almost certainly. Every time I get to hang with you is a time I don't take for granted. Hope I see you again soon. Puyo hype

Dylan/DylWingo - You already know. We're best buds, mate. Thank you for everything. SGDQ hype??!!

Forky/Bbforky - Where the Air ride at tho??? Dude I'm glad we bumped into each other as much as we did during the week. Next time we'll defo have to catch some grub or whatever together though. You're super fun and a hell of a guy. TILL NEXT TIME, surely.

Josh116Pep - Bailing on that one-wheel was a strangely satisfying experience. I hadn't had a good fall in a while. Ripping my shoe was, again, strangely satisfying. Sign of a good time lol. I already said it at the time but Parking Structure Done Quick was magical. So happy to have met you.


I know it can be a little disappointing to look through a list of people and not see your name. If I didn't dedicate a lil paragraph to you please don't take it personally. (I'm stopping myself from breaking the entire internet with how big this is becoming.) I would however like to list off everyone else (again, no order) I can possibly remember that I loved spending time with. Even though some were only brief. And if I STILL missed you after this, I apologize. I can't even recollect who I hung out with doing "___ activity" half the time. It's all so blurred together with so much going on all the time.


Studio
Caveman
Ricky
Phoenix
Tebt
Trob
Riko
Whitepaaws
Michael
PAOPU
Headstrong
Pirate
Harold
Pie
Go1den
That guy playing Zelda when we wanted that TV for evil zone
The Trinidad lady working at McDonalds who knows who Cheese is
Gazco
Xem
those 2 Finns (sry on names) <3
crashnumbers
OutrageousJosh
RPB
Pac
Simply
Cheese
DarkxRit
Gunnermaniac
Shenanagans
SecretHumorMan (SHM)
WornTraveler
Peaches
Roach
Wed/Nanachi
Faust
Withhelde
Stump
Paladinight
Brady/Sparer
zatchii
BEscape
Midboss
Thermosphere
Copitz
SpikeVegeta
JHobz
ViolinGamer
SirJazzberry
Snow
Veo
Keiz
Fir
Leaf
Mike Uyama
PCF lady <3
Yellowkillerbee
ahbeef
Drakodan
That drunk guy who hung around w us at McDonalds and 711
Yggplant
Skaihai (or whatever it was >.< oops)
Punchy




Personal:
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I spent a lot of time in 2018 a bit too hung up on the idea of being either proactive or reactive in social situations.
For example...
Person A is proactive - says "Hi how are you?" in the elevator to Person B who then takes on the reactive role. "Good, thanks."

Perhaps nothing ever would have been said if Person A hadn't taken on the role as Person A. Perhaps Person B was waiting for a Person A to ask how they were doing. Perhaps Person B had a lot on their mind, and was ready to spill their life's story to anyone who asked, but wasn't sure how to get the ball rolling without someone to first extend their hand ....


I guess I lived in fear for too long that stronger friendships and relationships would never come to me being only reactive. While it is hard for me to start conversations and "lead the way" socially like Person A, I think it has gotten tremendously easier and more natural. Beside that, being fearful also made me lose grips of being much of a Person B either. What a terrible fate! Can't start a conversation nor continue one. I sunk to a place where I was losing my communication abilities on any end of it.

There was about a 24 hour period of time late last year where I kind of gave up on everything involving others. Committed social suicide, let's say. I felt I was trying to be Person A too much, which I really had to push myself for, and not receiving much of anything back. I felt unappreciated and unloved...disconnected from others worse than ever before. I hung out with my sister and her friends for some rollerskating and also worked a Jimmy John's work shift during this time. Thinking back to it, I think it was important for me to learn, from a social experiment standpoint, that this was not the way. I concerned everyone around me simply by not talking and giving 0 energy to the atmosphere. Not looking anyone in the eye if avoidable. All that. My sister and my co-workers picked up on this shit immediately. It was nuts. Honestly all I did was remain silent unless asked a question directly (to which I gave a brief answer) and provide 0 energy since I was tired of giving so much and feeling like I got so little. Truly mind boggling though how it was perceived. Everyone thought I was sad and was terribly worried about me, despite my efforts to reassure I was fine. JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T TALK. On top of that, it made everyone else around me really anxious and down too! Whatever. It made me think of things in terms of the animal pack, biological mechanisms, that maybe my conscious human mind can't really quite grasp because they're so innate. Like how there's this instinctual and nonverbal connection that we all feel, that I could only best try to term "energy" or vibes, amongst each other. Lots of things we're processing "behind the scenes" and especially when someone we know well's behavior is off.

One immensely powerful benefit to overcoming a lot of my demons -- and therefore, beating my depression a lot more often -- is being granted some clarity. Being able to tell what I want, what I don't, what I like, etc. Clarity that assists in almost all applications in life. (Seriously, the list could have gone on a lot longer than where I ended it with that "etc." and yes many of these are as basic and open-ended as "what I want") Living with depression, while I cannot ever know what it's like for anyone else, for me has made me TOO go-with-the-flow, too "everything's okay" even when I'm not actually cool with an outcome or situation, probably because I stopped believing I /deserve/ what I truly want, and hence stopped focusing on it. I gave no priority to myself. My true wants and desires are foggy and at best at the subconscious level: not rising to conscious level when depression is weighing on me.

Let's talk about being drunk or high on marijuana for a second. I did not try either of these until the age of 23...spring/summer of 2017 or so. Since then, I do both sparingly at most and remain pretty lightweight/easy to get knocked off my state of sober. Whilst "unsober" (whether drunk or high; the effects have a lot of crossover) I feel pretty great a lot of the time...like my main demons are conquered. I'm able to conduct myself in a less filtered manner around others and feel freer and less restricted from fear of how others perceive me. Since knowing these states and having experiences being drunk or high, a big goal of mine in life was to try and achieve these frames of mind as best I could WITHOUT the assistance of these drugs. Act these ways while sober, in essence.

While I want to be careful what exactly I say here, I'm not going to say I remained sober 100% of the time during this GDQ. HOWEVER, the greatest feeling was that I did it to simply enhance my experience and NOT as any dependency. I felt that I would have enjoyed the shit out of my time and lived up to my own great expectations this week regardless, but was simply interested in raising the bar. Cuz I can. That's all.




Future of my stream:
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While I make no promises, I would like to try to stream more and lower my standards of how I think I should be coming across to my audience and be OK with that. This is something that hit me, through the clarity I aimed to describe earlier, during my first stream back today. I've felt a little too pressured to try and talk with chat and make myself fully "available" and provide my full attention to every single chatter. In reality, I shouldn't feel inadequate if all that really gets said is "hi / hi / gl / thx" and nothing more or whatever. I guess I just overthink things a ton. I'm there to speedrun and y'all are there to watch or in many cases, listen as background. I really want to push myself to be able to do more streams.

Let's talk Werster for a second. Think about his stream. He does his thing and his audience watches him like he's just there, in a museum exhibit or something. It's like Werster breaks a fourth wall when he actually does reply to something in the chat. While I have no interest in taking my interactivity as a streamer to that far of an end of it, I would like to release myself a bit from these pressures I feel to constantly feel, uh, self-validated.






I love you and be true to yourself,
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