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 "Well, Anonymous. With your new diplomat status, you're officially a palace VIP. You'll get a personal servant, full access to all the palace kitchens, the works!"
 
 "Oh, you also get full guard 'service.' If you're into mares, be sure to try out Liquid Fire and Radiance. For the stallions, Rusty Shores is always a good bet, and Sandstone is always a bunch of fun."
 
 >you roll your eyes
 >even in the few weeks you've been here, you've learned Celestia's a bit of a troll
 >not pranking, necessarily, or even outright hazing
 >but subtle jokes at others' expense
 >like the time she took a bath and teleported to her room for a towel to dry off
 >the guards had worked themselves into conniption fits by the time you walked by
 >worried about their princess being in the tub so long
 >but completely lacking the courage to invade her privacy in such an intimate fashion
 >y'know, things like that
 >and now you're "a VIP with access to mare and stallion guards at your leisure"?
 >right
 "Thanks, Princess, I'll get right on that."
 >she just gives you a sly smile
 >"Enjoy yourself, dear Anonymous."
 >you can hear the laughter in her voice
 >"I know I do~."
 >mmmmhm
 >you stroll casually to your new room, where a mare and stallion are already standing guard by your door
 >admittedly, better than the spare room and cot they'd laid you up in while living arrangements were getting sorted out
 >the pair of guards both salute smartly, standing to either side of the wooden double doors
 >you're nearly inside when the mare speaks up
 >"Ah, sir, did you require our services today?"
 >you arch your brow and look back at her
 >she's staring straight ahead, not seeming to acknowledge that she said anything
 >but there's a slight rosy tint to those cream-colored cheeks
 >embarrassed, huh?
 >you chuckle to yourself
 >Celestia must've put her up to it
 >you're not normally one for pranks, but y'know what?
 >just for your favorite Sunbutt, you'll play along
 "Ehh... sure, c'mon inside."
 >the mare salutes and her squad member nods curtly to her as she begins to trot after you
 >he's still facing away from you, but you'd swear there's a smirk on what little of his face you can see
 >you chuckle to yourself, closing the door loudly and ominously behind you
 >if Celly's going to bust your balls, you'll at least get the guards back while you're planning your revenge on her
 "Alright, first things first, tell me your name."
 >you put on as imperious a voice as you can
 >back at home, the idea of you barking orders at anyone would've been hysterical
 >but since these ponies have no frame of reference for what an "alpha" human acts like
 >it apparently comes across as actually intimidating
 >the mare gulps audibly, but keeps her composure
 >she is a guard, after all
 >"Stardust, sir. At your service."
 >you walk around her, making a great show of examining her from every angle
 >placing a hand lightly on her armor here, running a hand down her coat there
 >you nod approvingly as you come back around to her front
 >she looks stoic, though that blush has definitely gotten deeper than when you walked in
 >you plop down on the bed and shrug, relaxing your stance considerably
 "Well it's a pleasure to meet you Stardust, tell me, have you been guarding my doorway for very long?"
 >her eyes break that hardline stare to dart over at you in confusion
 >but she regains her composure quickly
 >"Ah, no sir. I was only assigned here today."
 >you nod, then lay back on your bed
 >jesus, they don't half-ass anything here
 >it's like a double-wide King, hell of a trade up from your cot
 >after a moment of silence, you hear the mare clear her throat
 "What's up?"
 >you hear her hooves shuffle on the floor for a moment
 >"Er... permission to speak freely, sir?"
 >you wave your hand lackadaisically
 >it takes you a second to realize she has no reference for what that means
 "Yeah, sure, speak away."
 >she shuffles her hooves again
 >"Sir, am I... er, to your liking? I can fetch another guard if it would better suit you..."
 >heh
 >trying to weasel out of playing along with the prank, now, eh?
 >no no, let's see how far we can go with it
 "Oh, no, you're fine, perfect specimen of the guard, all that. I just figured if you're going to be 'guarding' me on a regular basis, it'd be nice if we got to know each other a bit first. Tell me a bit about yourself, huh?"
 >you can actually hear her snap back to attention
 >guess that was close enough to an order for her to take it as one
 >she stares straight ahead, no longer fidgeting in place or tugging at her armor
 >"Ever since I was accepted into the Royal Guard, I have been trained specifically to serve the royal family and their chosen delegates."
 >you wave your hand surreptitiously
 >this is practically word-for-word from the Guard Handbook, if you had to guess
 >that wasn't the question you asked
 "Right, right, I get that, but I'm interested in you specifically. Tell me about you, what do you like?"
 >she blushes furiously but keeps her eyes straight ahead
 >"Whatever you like, sir."
 >you give a chuckle
 >obviously this is what she's been trained to do
 >or ordered, but same difference
 "Er... okay, let's try this. What kind of music do you like? DJ Pon-3, the Canterlot Orchestra, Equestria Girls...?"
 >the mare actually meets your eyes for a split-second in pure confusion
 >"Whatever kind of music you like, sir."
 >...
 >okay, this is getting a bit frustrating
 >you decide to break it down a little more to make things easier
 "Right. Look, I know what I like. And I'm guessing that since you were 'assigned' to me, you know what I like, it being your job and all."
 >she gives an affirming nod
 "But I'd like to know what you like."
 >you ponder for a second
 >aha
 >you snap your fingers
 "Here, look, do you have a favorite food?"
 >she nods smartly
 >"Yes sir."
 >perfect
 "Excellent! What's your favorite food?"
 >she answers immediately and without hesitation
 >"Whatever food you like, sir."
 >god fucking dammit
 >is this part of the prank?
 >this has to be part of the prank
 >you give her a disbelieving stare from the bed
 "Wait, so let me get this straight, you have to follow my every order, indulge my every like, cater to my every whim?"
 >she gives that same curt nod
 >okay
 >hold on, there was like a riddle or something about this
 >where a barber can't shave his own head, or something?
 >you've got it
 "Alright, new order then: I order you not to obey any of my orders. I hereby order you to think for yourself."
 >she seems to give this some consideration
 >then fixes you with that iron-clad stare they drilled into her in Guard entrance camp
 >"Sir, no, sir."
 >you shake your head
 >dammit, it hurts because you know you're falling for this master horseruse, but you can't stop yourself
 >yes
 >you mad
 "Let me get this straight. Anything I say, you do."
 >she nods
 >"Sir, yes sir."
 >let's test that theory
 "Bark like a dog."
 >she stands at attention, and you'd swear you see the shadow of a frown
 >but next thing you know, her mouth opens
 >"Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf--"
 >you shake your head in disbelief, sitting up on the bed and scratching the side of your head in confusion
 "No, no, a big dog."
 >she stops mid-arf
 >"Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!--"
 >disniggaserious.flac
 >you wave dismissively
 "Hop on one leg."
 >she doesn't even slow down her rhythmic "woof"s, pushing back onto her hind legs and then balancing on her left as she bounces lightly
 >you rub your face in disbelief
 >there's no way this is actually happening
 >you sit up and stride over to the door
 >you poke your head out and see the male guard standing at attention still
 >a brown-coated stallion with a dark chocolate tail
 >he risks a glance over his shoulder at you after a few seconds of your staring at him
 >apparently he's not quite as well-trained as his colleague
 >"Er..."
 >the "woof"s continue as you hear Stardust's hoof clopping methodically in time with her dog noises
 >"Did you need another... uh, 'pet', sir?"
 >he asks, the blush mixing with the anxious look in his eye to create an expression somewhere between fearful and hopeful
 >out status:
 >[ ]not creeped
 >[x]creeped
 >you give him a cautious pat on the shoulder and turn to walk back inside
 >amid the "woof"ing, you hear the brown pone at your door let out an appreciative pant or two
 >you're back to the bed and back to watching Stardust in disbelief
 >jesus, one downside to living in pony-medieval times
 >no air conditioning
 >just as you get your arm out of the second sleeve, you hear the door creak open again
 >you turn and see a flowing aurora of blue, speckled with white here and there
 >the Princess of the Night's blue eyes wander from you, sitting on your bed more undressed than she's ever seen you
 >to the mare bouncing on one hoof and barking like a hound
 >then down to where the snout of a brown pone is pushing against the door
 >you hear the male guard let out a plaintive whine like a puppy who knows he's done something wrong
 >Luna blinks a couple times, looking back up to you
 >"...We are glad to see thou hast found amusement with Our subjects, Anonymous."
 >oh god
 >no
 >this isn't a sex thing, c'mon
 >she gestures gently with one hoof to the stallion pawing at your door
 >"Dost thou mind if We avail ourselves of this one? If he has been a naughty puppy, We are prepared to punish him most harshly."
 >ghqwkerjopoij
 >you don't
 >that's not
 >what
 "Uh?"
 >the princess cocks her head to one side
 >after you struggle in vain to get anything more coherent out for a few seconds, she seems to decide that "uh" is close enough to "yes" to count
 >ruffling the stallion's mane playfully, she retreats from your den of madness
 >"Come then, pup. Ooh! No no, let us reach a more private chamber first, little one!"
 >brain.exe has stopped working
 >rebooting in safe mode...
 >"No need to use our leg, We have other uses for such ardor if thou art such a good and faithful hound~"
 >Welcome to Brain 98 ©
 >your program will be starting shortly
 >...
 >oh god, what'd you miss?
 >"Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!"
 >you blink rapidly
 >okay, e-fucking-nough
 "Stop that."
 >Stardust returns to all fours and goes silent immediately, awaiting orders
 >this is... fucking weird
 >but if Luna's reaction was any indication, this is honestly, really for real
 >you pinch the bridge of your nose
 >this is problematic
 >you didn't mind when you though it was all an elaborate joke
 >but keeping stallions and mares like this has serious moral implications
 >on the one hand, they seem to be genuinely happy
 >at least if the stallion Luna just absconded with was any indication
 >but on the other hand, they've been conditioned to like this
 >is it a morally tenable position to "make use of" these ponies?
 >do they have free will?
 >what even constitutes free will, in pony land?
 >they may operate off of herd mentality, meaning they naturally like and enjoy--
 HEY
 YOU FUCKING FAGGOT
 GET TO THE PORN YOU ENORMOUS COCKTEASING DICKHEAD
 >your thought process implodes on itself
 >...
 >y'know, arguably, as long as they enjoy themselves and you enjoy yourself
 >whether it's 'right' or 'moral' is pretty irrelevant
 >it's not like there's a gun to anyone's head
 >you're brought back to earth by the sound of Stardust shuffling in her armor again
 >how long were you sitting there just now?
 >you shake your head vigorously to clear it out
 >okay
 >well, no matter who does what with whom, everyone should at least be comfortable, right?
 >you gesture to the mare's armor
 "You can take that off, if you want."
 >the earth pony looks up at you, but makes no movement to actually remove anything
 >oh, right
 >guess that's more a suggestion
 >you'll try again
 "Remove your armor."
 >the slightly fearful look vanishes into one of relative comfort and familiarity as she sits back and brings her hooves up to her head
 >the helmet comes loose and she places it gingerly next to her, her sea-green mane matted to either side of her face as her ears flick compulsively
 >the foreleg plates come next, strapped on like shinguards and similarly leaving dingy patches on her coat when they fall away
 >hind leg plates follow in short order
 >but when she reaches the chest guard, things slow down considerably
 >she fumbles with the latches clumsily
 >it looks like it's slightly too big in the shoulders
 >she can't seem to get it undone thanks to the restricted range of motion
 >you stand up from your seat on the bed and walk over
 >each step you take seems to make her more frantic to get the armor off, until you're directly in front of her
 >she seems to almost give up when your hand reaches down and casually undoes the strap
 >then over to the other side to get the other one
 >finally, the last latch undone, the armor front falls into her hooves
 >you take the back section and place it next to the rest of her assembled armor
 >her eyes very pointedly stare at the floor as she mumbles inaudibly
 "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that...?"
 >she mumbles a bit louder
 >"Sir, thank you sir."
 >you ruffle that matted-down mane a little
 >...and then discretely wipe your hand on the side of your slacks
 >eugh
 "No problem. Not sure why they put latches on your armor anyway, those're a lot easier for someone with thumbs."
 >you give her a smile that she cautiously returns, and she proceeds to undo the flank guards, completing the utterly un-titillating strip show
 >standing back at attention, she stares straight ahead once more, awaiting your next order
 >you don't issue one, opting instead to circle around her as you did before
 >with her armor gone, it's like looking at a different mare completely
 >the hard lines and sharp edges that made up her armor are replaced with the gentle curve of her natural figure
 >her straight green mane, though unkempt, lends her an orderly air
 >you take note of the Big Dipper cutie mark on her flank
 >y'know, as one of the many noticeable features of
 >dat plot
 >obscured only by her tail, cut tight and so short it barely covered her assets
 >as you circle back to her front once more, you repeat your little nod of approval
 "Wait here."
 >and without another word, you stride off to the bathroom, leaving her at attention as you tend to things
 >it's nearly 10 minutes before you speak to Stardust again
 >you can hear her shuffling her hooves in the bedroom when there's a lull in the commotion you're causing
 >must be getting nervous
 >eventually, you call her in
 "Come here, please."
 >you hear her hooffalls as they draw closer, then transition from the fur-covered stone to the marble of the bathroom
 >she trots up to where you're laying back, leaning over the side of the tub as she reaches you
 >you've gotten rather good at catching those split-second glances by now, and this one is directed at the thick layer of bubbles in your bath
 >(jesus fuck you added too much soap to the bath, it's practically spilling out of the tub already)
 >you give a knowing smirk
 "Could you--"
 >you pause, remembering her predisposition, and change the tone of your voice.
 "Bring me a washcloth and some conditioner."
 >she actually gives a sidelong glance to the bubbles as she turns to fetch your items
 >she returns promptly, and you take the bottle of conditioner from her mouth
 >then the washcloth from her shoulder
 >you play idly with the bubbles and pointedly pay her no attention as you sink a further into the tub
 >you actually have your eyes closed when you make your next demand
 "Join me."
 >you crack one eyelid and see her cock her head to one side
 >oh sure, now she doesn't understand suggestions
 >all it takes though is one quirk of the eyebrow and her trepidation disappears
 >as her front hooves pull at the top of the tub, you realize why she hesitated
 >you're plenty tall enough, but it's a bit of a stretch for a pony to climb in without a footstool or something
 >shaking your head at your own idiocy, you reach over and grab her around the middle, behind her forelegs
 >for the first time, her surprise gets the better of her, and she lets out a small gasp as she's hefted into the bath with you
 >and face first into the water
 >you can feel her cheek brush against your leg as she rights herself
 >her head breaches the surface again with a gasp
 >you shake your head and chuckle at her in spite of yourself
 >it's a good thing she's a guard and not a ballerina
 >cute one, but graceful she's not
 >you make sure she's done flailing before you make a twirling motion with your finger
 >she turns obediently, the click of her hooves echoing strangely under the water
 >when she's properly positioned, you reach out with both hands and place them on her shoulders, guiding her slowly but firmly into a sitting position between your legs
 "Close your eyes."
 >you lean to one side to make sure she has indeed done so (not that you have much doubt she would at this point)
 >good
 >two reasons for that order
 >first, she won't be able to prepare herself for what's about to happen
 >second
 >you give the shampoo bottle a squeeze and drop a healthy dollop directly onto her mane
 >it won't get in her eyes
 >you hear her take a deep breath that cuts short as your fingers spread the shampoo through her hair
 >but the moment your fingers curl up and begin massaging her head, working the soap deep into her mane
 >she lets out a sigh that seems to flow through her whole body, the tension in her posture melting away under your ministrations
 >that's what's real good, nyukah
 >you don't bother with orders anymore, taking the liberties necessary as you turn her head this way and that
 >grabbing a small bucket left nearby to pour over her head and wash the soap away
 >lifting one hoof and then the other as you scrub down her forelegs
 >gently working various shampoos, oils, conditioners and the like into her coat
 >she makes cute little noises and fidgets when you reach her ears, but makes no move to stop you
 >you move her closer as your work moves south, backing her nearly into your lap as you wash away the grime and tension her armor left behind
 >and then of course there's nowhere left to wash
 >except...
 >you pull her back the last few inches, and feel that plush pony plot pressing against you
 >her breathing hitches as those dextrous fingers she's enjoyed exploring the rest of her body halt just above her Cave of Wonders
 >you don't bother to hide or make excuses about Little Anon resting solidly between those glorious goddamn flanks
 >as your hand slides down, you lean forward, your chest against her back
 >she leans her head against your shoulder as one finger finds her honey pot and explores, but even your delving digits don't elicit the normal moans and sighs you're used to
 >instead, she bites her lip, letting out labored huffs and sucking air in through her teeth as you ply her with pleasure
 >even as a second finger joins the first, she's obstinately quiet
 >you can tell she's keenly aware of each thrust and bend, the feverish puffs of air in perfect time with the rhythm of your knuckles
 >but she refuses to allow herself even the quietest moan
 >allow hers--
 >the realization hits you like a freight train, and you lean further forward so your mouth is right next to her ear
 "Tell me how much you love this."
 >and with that, the silence shatters
 >"Nnnn, yes! Ahn, ahhh... yes! Please, more, I-- ah!"
 >her cries echo around the bathroom as you continue to finger her, her walls rippling around your digits
 >her hips buck in tandem with your work, hotdogging your dick in the process
 >your other hand moves up from her side as she puts her entire weight against you
 >a caress of her shoulder, your thumb brushing against her cheek, and then
 >a moment of terrible stillness as you hold her ear between your thumb and forefinger
 >"Nnnnnn... why--"
 >you resume the fingerbang and squeeze her ear gently, kneading it under your thumb as you massage it
 >the velvet vice around your fingers tightens as her moans reach a fever pitch
 >you grin in knowing anticipation as she thrashes in your lap, breath ragged as she rides the jagged edge
 >there's no doubt in your mind she'll obey you
 >but you know she needs to hear you say it, too
 >one word
 >you growl it
 "Cum."
 >the effect is immediate
 >you can feel her whole body convulsing under the waves of pleasure
 >she doesn't bother with the complexity of words, just primal moans of ecstasy as she writhes in your arms
 >you keep her rolling on that high for as long as you can make it last
 >but eventually the cries give way to gasps, then sighs, and the first round is over
 >for her, anyway
 >she surprises you with a forceful kiss, but you won't be defeated in the ring of tonsil hockey by a simple sneak-attack
 >the two of you amuse yourselves with sloppy makeouts as you wait for the trembling in her limbs to fade
 >that way she has some strength to hold onto you when you stand
 >you drag her up with you, her hooves finding purchase around your neck as you carry her
 >dong fully expanded
 >to where a stack of towels sit neatly folded
 >you set her down and dry her briefly, then yourself
 >all the while taking every free moment to steal another kiss or squeeze or grope
 >satisfied that you're as clean as you're getting for the moment, you heft her up again and carry her into the bedroom, fairly tossing her onto the bed
 >you leap in right behind her, rolling and tumbling through the sheets in a furious bout of sexual combat
 >it rages through the night, you pinning her and hammering away at her marehood, her mounting you and riding your dick in the most ironic reverse cowgirl action of your life
 >occasionally you resort to cheating, lulling her into temporary submission by nibbling and rubbing her ears
 >more than once she holds your dick captive in her throat, sucking and moaning around your girth until you cry out for mercy
 >it is, as the great scholars of the ages have deemed it
 >"one hell of a night"
 
 
 
 >you wake up, exhausted, and glare hatefully at the accursed Day Star outside your window
 >you're not a morning person under the best of circumstances
 >but whatever seething hatred you feel for Celestia's morning melts away when you look over at the other pillow
 >Stardust lets out a distressed grumble when you slip your arm out from between her hooves
 >but snuggles warmly into the pillow that you replace it with
 >good
 >maybe you can get some breakfast back to the room before she wakes up
 >just because it's her sworn duty to cater to an ambassador's every want and need doesn't mean she wouldn't want someone to take care of her instead
 >you slip into a pair of boxers and pajama pants, then sneak out as quietly as possible
 >you're nearly to the kitchen when you hear a familiar laughter
 >of course, since it's in the Royal Canterlot Voice, you could probably hear it from fucking Appleloosa
 >"HAHAHAHA! THOU WERT TRULY MOST EGREGIOUSLY RUSED, WERE THOU NOT ANONYMOUS?"
 >you mourn the loss of your ability to hear sounds softer than a jet engine as you make your way into the kitchen and ask the cook for some bowls of oatmeal
 >turning to Luna at last, you scratch your head groggily and give her a puzzled look
 "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Moon Horse?"
 >she taps her front hooves together in something resembling a clap
 >"Why, the prank mine sister and I laid upon thee last night!"
 >you nod, not really paying attention to her words
 >"Surely thou didst not believe that Royal Guards wouldst become thy consorts on nary more than thine position as ambassador? Ah, but the look upon thine face, t'were priceless!"
 >you give her a half-lidded stare
 >right
 >like you're going to believe that line after you just spent the last 4 hours in a marathon with a Royal Guard
 >you just give her a condescending pat on the shoulder
 "Yeah, you sure got me good, just now. Totally believe you."
 >the Lunar Princess's nose scrunches up in confusion
 >"One thing does bother Us, though... hast thou seen the one known as Stardust? She was absent from her shift during patrols last night."
 >...
 >you stare at her
 >waiting for her to crack a smile and tell you she's joking
 >...
 >nope
 >...
 >stoically, you carry the tray back to your room
 >ignoring the increasingly shrill voice of the Princess of the Night as she questions you more and more pointedly about Stardust's whereabouts
 >you don't break pokerface until you reach the room and have the door safely and securely shut
 >Stardust is already dressed in full regalia again as you walk in, and the two of you freeze as you notice one another
 >it's dead silent
 >except for Luna yelling something about dereliction of duty and un-officer-like behavior on the other side of the door
 "So..."
 >she fixes you with that stoic stare, patiently awaiting your order
 >"Sir?"
 >you'd mistake her coat for red if you were only looking at her cheeks, she's blushing so bad
 >you clear your throat pointedly and nod at the window
 >she could probably make it to an adjacent room and sneak out if she hurried
 >as she trots resolutely for the window, you clear your throat and she snaps to attention once more, still facing the window
 >"Yes sir."
 >you walk up to her and place an apple in her mouth for the road, lifting her helmet for a second to run a hand through her mane
 "Report to my quarters at 6 o' clock sharp."
 >she resumes her climb out the window, but as she sneaks along the outcropping towards the next room, you'd swear you see a little smile on her face
 >"Sir, yes sir."