TIFU I am traumatized by my aubergine obsession.

I'm using the word aubergine to specifically mean eggplant, the purple fruit that is delicious in all forms - grilled, pureed, stir fried, anything. Eggplant, on the other hand, apparently has taken on a new meaning - penis. I admit I'm super out of the loop. I just broke off a 5 year relationship and I have never used apps or sexting. So I'm wiping eggplant from my vocabulary, and from today on, I'm using the word aubergine.

I moved into a new building recently after I broke up with my ex boyfriend. I've run into my upstairs neighbors Bradley and Cristie (not their real names) on several occasions in the resident lounge and the gym (we go to the same HIIT studio). I know the couple the best in this building, everyone else seems kind of detached or not super friendly.

Earlier tonight, I texted Cris to ask about borrowing her coffee grinder because mine stopped working. She was out of town for a family emergency and got me in touch with her husband who told me he would text me after he returned from his workout. When Brad was home he texted me, and I headed upstairs. I followed him to his kitchen and saw an aubergine cookbook out on the counter, so I told him aubergine is my favorite fruit, that I was obsessed with it. Turns out he is something of a chef because he likes to experiment with recipes and actually made a point about how well-equipped he is. Stupid me, I was so obsessed with the brightly colored aubergine cookbook I probably sounded like I was flirting with him. I wouldn't stop gushing about how much I love love love LOVE aubergines as I flipped through the pages of his colorful cookbook. I don't remember what exactly we said, but at one point he told me he was impressed by my enthusiasm for it.

Then he asked a strange question, in a serious tone, which in retrospect made perfect sense, but in the moment I was clueless. He asked me if I liked my aubergines cut. I was like, "it doesn't matter to me, I can eat the whole thing, why?" And he said, "well I have a really big [aubergine] tonight." I thought he was inviting me to try his cooking, so I jumped at the opportunity and interrupted him excitedly by telling him yes, I'd love to try his aubergine. He reached his hands into the sink and pulled out a plumb, uncooked aubergine. I was confused, because I thought he had already cooked it. Before I could say anything, he stood over me, and shoved the tip of the aubergine between my lips and said "show me how you like to suck it".

I left. Like so fast. I didn't even close the door behind me. I did utter something like "I think there's a misunderstanding" or something like that as I ran out his apartment. He's sent me like a bunch of texts and even tried knocking on my door, but I'm not answering tonight. I...just need to decompress..write...process. WTF just happened.

TL;DR: I gushed about how much I am obsessed with eggplants in front of a man, who thought I was flirting with him. He put an eggplant between my lips. Now I can never look at him or his wife again, ever.

---------------------------------

If you enjoy these, please donate:

DASH @ Xe6VHQi5DPdufsGSSWRg5ZmPkiU4oBxebQ
BTC  @ 3QFYdxE4wUuv2GWSF3RfXL2t8gjMrFE9bS
ETH  @ 0x6e9644FaD57F93b58573bAdEe3Cb0596F32C9852
XTZ  @ tz1RWPDoMABjLect6dkETjPWgva5SRMtWGVw
LTC  @ MUyMZejFyJsVpmZ5omg8yzh6nRQwhdQM5U

PM me if you have any requests for content.