1. The principle of consent: FREEDOM means the freedom and capacity to say ‘no’.
Following this principle, we grant everyone in our life their freedom to be exactly as they are. We practice toward 100% acceptance of our loved ones exactly as they are (and as they change), whether at a distance or up close.
➣ This acceptance entails the crucial act of granting to everyone the freedom to say ‘no’ to anything—which means, of course, the freedom from coercion or manipulation of any kind when they choose to say no. So this first principle is the principle of consent or non-coercion.
➣ Consider this: the only ‘yes’ which is meaningful, authentic, and nourishing is a ‘yes’ given when there is an option to say ‘no’.
➣ It is in your own best interests to grant others this freedom to say no, for when others freely choose to meet your needs out of the joy of contributing to your well-being, those needs will be met far more fully, effectively, and consistently.
2. The principle of invitation: speaking your truth
As an act of love, we offer invitations to our loved ones -- that is, we share what we are feeling, wanting, needing, and/or valuing as an opportunity for our loved ones to contribute to our well-being.
➣ First, affirm to yourself that you can meet most of your own needs; then let your loved ones know how their behaviour impacts you in terms of feelings (actual emotions) and share with them the needs and values those feelings are linked to. This may or may not lead to a specific request, if it does, follow the principle of consent by being open to hearing a ‘no’.
➣ But also:
a. Remember that nobody has an obligation to meet your needs, and vice-versa.
b. Never expect a single person to meet all or most of your needs, or to do more emotional labour for you than you do for them (on average).
When others cannot meet all the needs we would like them to, we practice acceptance, and seek to reduce the quantity and/or severity of our needs through spiritual practice (or, if necessary, cultivate other relationships).
Summary of principles 1 & 2: In the spiritual life, we engage in relating with others not to gain advantage, but to develop our capacity for unconditional love, and to learn to receive fully whatever is offered freely.
3. The principle of responsibility: It is up to you to communicate clearly how you’d like to be loved, while simultaneously seeking to learn to receive love the way the other person naturally gives it.
4. The principle of generosity of spirit: insofar as possible, give the benefit of the doubt. Assume best possible motive on the part of the other person until proven otherwise.
5. The non-transactional principle: insofar as it is possible, do not do anything for a loved one with expectation of recompense -- unless explicitly saying so -- but rather for the joy of contributing to their well-being.
6. The principle of connection to reality: realize that connecting with others is always a result of attuning to and presencing whatever is truly ‘alive’ in oneself and the other, not from conforming to the other’s expectations or being validated by them. ➣ What is truly real is only that which is presenting itself in this moment as ‘alive’ within you and within your loved one(s). The past is real only in the way in which it is present now.
7. The principle of relinquishing the need to be right: realize that ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ are nothing but mental constructs based in conditioning and that debate within that arena is nothing but binding oneself to delusion and suffering.
➣ Consider this: when someone says something about the ‘rightness’ or ‘wrongness’ of someone else’s views or actions, it is nothing but a disguised and distorted statement about what they themselves are feeling and needing.
➣ Therefore, in awakened relating, we abandon ‘shoulds’, realizing they are nothing but forms of manipulation and/or resistance to reality. ‘Shoulds’ are disguised or distorted expressions of “I want....” or “I value…” (when they are something more than parrotted programming). Own what you want. Speak what matters to you, while also . . .
8. Release the idea that your loved ones (or anyone) should have the same values as you. If their values are truly incompatible with yours, move on (or if you choose, engage in a limited-time-only ‘sādhanā relationship’).
9. Don’t make promises: form intentions.
Promises create expectations that bind our freedom to change, and paving the way toward bitterness and recriminations; by contrast, firm yet flexible intentions guide our changes to beneficial outcomes.
➣ Promises are often simply an attempt to assuage a present tension by convincing our loved one we will change. But given the impermanent nature of mind, body, and personality, we cannot be certain what our needs and values in the future will be, so how can we make promises on behalf of that as-yet unknown person? Promises are often used to create a false sense of security, attempting to secure someone’s approval or trust on false pretenses (because we cannot know who we will become).
➣ Strong intentions, however, are not like promises; they can be of great benefit, for they orient us and help us set a course toward our true heart’s desire—though we must acknowledge our inevitable human fallibility in pursuing our intentions.
10. Release guilt-motivated attempts to change, and never apologize on the basis of guilt. Like promises, most apologies serve to gloss over and temporarily relieve a painful situation. In reality, they only postpone and magnify the pain, for they create an expectation in the other person that you have ‘changed’ and will now conform to their expectations. But if you resolve to change on the basis of guilt, you will never succeed, for guilt is a form of self-hatred and lasting beneficial change comes only from love. ➣ Genuine and effective apologies are the result of the heart breaking open into love and regret over having hurt someone we care about.
11. Give up on coercing anyone into holding these (or any) views. By trying to persuade others to hold views we ourselves haven’t perfectly embodied, we set ourselves up to be seen as hypocritical. If you agree with these views, live them. Embody them, don’t teach them. That constitutes your best chance of persuading others of their validity and their efficacy.



10 Principles of Awakened Relating © 2019 Christopher Wallis