my first dnd campaign

alright buckos sit down it's time for the first bando campaign.
SOME BACKGROUND; my friend group was drifting apart, and it was 2016, september-october-ish. we all liked to roleplay, and i loved this one game, Darkest Dungeon, so i took a gamble; i invited my friends, as well as an old buddy i heard played dnd once, to try out a game of 5e. most of them were pretty antsy about it, thinking it'd be too complex, but i convinced them all that it'd be worth it, and it'd be fun.

the party is in the world of... wow i never named the fucking world. genius. anyways, it's some world, and in a solitary hamlet, a teleporting trade center is being created, dubbed The Mansion, for it was a gigantic mansion with doors that teleported anyone who stepped through them to a set-up teleportation circle at various locations in the world. this project was funded by the mysterious being known as Lord D., a benefactor nobody knew of. over the next two decades, the teleportation magics were set up, and then, the project was finished.
however, unbeknowst to the people, Lord D. was Lord Destruction, god of all that was evil and chaotic, and king of demons. each teleporter was set up with some kind magic that brought madness and anger to the people within several miles, the only place being unaffected being The Mansion.
for about a year or two before this occurred, The Mansion was a traveler's hotspot, a place to go to become rich! now was a time to capitalize on rare goods and services, and sell them for profit! however, in just a few years, the place was a wasteland.

that's the background, let's get onto the actual players
we begin with three characters;
the domainless female wood elf cleric, Amisar Aceta
the PHB male wood elf ranger, Temisar Aceta
and the dark knight male human, Heerdeds Pringout

the three began in the hamlet, with the acetas traveling from somewhere, and heerdeds being a member of the hamlet, one of the only few left. suddenly, it was attacked by goblins!
the party held them off easily, and because i DIND'T KNOW HOW EXP WORKED I THOUGHT THE 300 EXP FROM 2 GOBBOS AND A GOBLIN BOSS MEANT THEY LEVELLED
i didn't know it was split
so, they were now level 2
within like 30 minutes
the party discussed some things, heerdeds told them how the mansion was all bad, and so, they headed inside, through the initial floor, which was occupied by skeletons and troglodytes, led by the werewolf Bokeetio (he's relevant later)
the werewolf runs off into a portal, leading them to some kind of forest, where they meet the god of luck, Chance, disguised as a snake. he gives them nothing because they don't actually talk to him, just kinda see him. fuckers
asnyways, so, Bokeetio, being a werewolf, was immune to regular weapons
so, the group being crafty, they went to a gate in the forest, and cut off its silver spikes, to get weapons
the party then goes up to bokeetio, and heerdeds goes first
bokeetio hits him a bit, and through the powers of being an OP as shit homebrew class, he destroys his whole 52 hit point pool in a single blow
the party celebrates, but it is not long before they choose to continue on
now, around this point, i actually invited the old buddy to come along, since i didn't do that yet
so, back in the hamlet, they meet the shopkeeper; Zacharie, a strange man in a sweater wearing a frog mask, who tells them about the Seven Deadly Sins, who were the root of The Mansion's corruption--and, he's not entirely wrong, as they were the generals of Lord D--so, he makes a portal unsuspiciously i guess
and they go inside it, to the first of the seven hells; Wrath
inside wrath's hell, they fight some hellhounds, one of which escapes, and then they fight a clusterfuck
imagine a shark
now imagine if that shark had tiger legs
and red skin
and also a laser cannon strapped to its back
what the fuck was this thing? hell if i know, but it was murdered, and the party went on into the throne room of wrath
inside the throne room, there were two figures; Legion, a once-legendary hero, now consumed by the essence of wrath
and some random-ass black dragonborn shirtless guy???
so, they talk with Legion for a tiny bit, the river styx flowing underneath his floating throne room i guess
and then, tehy fight!
first thing's first, they free the dragonborn, and learn that he is a barbarian, known as Kiljurn, from a tribe of whatever the fuck animals i guess
then, they fight!
legion is something i guess
they kick his ass and throw him into the river styx
then are like "Haha, he's dead"
sike, five seconds later he's back out with the styx
and they easily kill him again
fucking pansy
then, a spined devil comes over, he asked them for help earlier i think, and then takes Legion's crown
becoming the new king of wrath
and, as a reward, he takes out the homestuck combining items thing
i forget the name of it but he does that
and so, each of them gets a thing;
Amisar combines a staff and a sword, to get a shitty normal glaive i guess
Heerdeds combines legion's hammer with his sword, to get a 2D12 WEAPON WHAT THE FUCK
temisar combines the hammer with his bow, to get a splash damage longbow that hit evvery enemy around the initial target
and kiljurn
oh man.
kiljurn.
he combines a shield with a hammer
to get a boomerang shield
kiljurn uses this boomerang shield to make me hate life for the rest of the entire campaign
so, after they do all this, they leave the wrath hell, and go back to the mansion
uh, i don't actually remember which dungeon this was, so i'm going to real quick pop it open in roll20 to check
okay, found it
so, the party goes to a jungle, filled with cockatrices
they're really easy to beat, so they do
and then they meet some slaads
they were Khola'Keen, Sart'San, and Char'Bock
khola was a green slaad, and he was a cool fucking boy, he told theparty about uh... something probably who cares
and the others were red and blue, respectively
nobody likes them, they're assholes
the party continues into the jungle, and finds a clearing
khola in front
the god of magic, who was alos evil, Count Nebulae, shows up
khola is like
"Hey this guy's evil"
and CN is like
"Alright fuck you"
and feebleminds him
and by feeblemind
i actually mean "Mind Eviscerate"
you know how feeblemind like
ends?
with saves or magic?
what if it just
didn't
that's Mind Eviscerate
and CN really, really loved this
so, as khola dies
the red and blue slaads blame the party
and, naturally, as slaads do
try to kill them
party wins, somehow
don't recall how
and then they see the next teleporter is locked
the lock's key?
held by the sin of envy
Heerdeds: "Fucking damnit"
((he never said that)
so they go back to zach, he teleports them to envy, and it's just
a really long castle hallway
with a bunch of doppelgangers
except they can't disguise
the last one is wearing an orange goku gi with a quarterstaff
and says his name is Regekied
he fights them, but as he gets low, he's like
"Yo you nerds, y'all are alright"
so he lets them pass
they fight two snakes, then they find the sin of envy, Rosan
Rosan is legendary in this campaign
not because he's particularly tough
or memorable
no, he literally dies in 2 rounds
he had 200 hp
party was like
level 5
and he died in 2 rounds
first one party goes up
bop
takes down his first form
he freaks out and reveals himself to be a fomorian
second round
bop
he's dead, party gets his rapier, one made of demon's blood named Zillihelt, and has a british accent
he's like "Rosan was gay as fuck, wield me peasants"
and so they did, peasants
anyways, they go back
and there's a quasit there
i don't know his name
was it ever important?
no
but, he helps them go to the next area, which is the fortress of some "evil guy"
oh wait, i almost forgot
so, after they beat envy
zacharie gave them some magic items
and heerdeds
gets a belt that changes his sex
so he's now like
Heeria or some shit
it was cursed to never come off
and also gave +2 con and +1 str
((he rolled bad for stats and i felt bad))
anyways, back to the fortress
so, inside the fortress, there's kuo-toa, and some orc slaves
party fights off some kuo-toa, and then as one is defeated
a kuo-toa tries to grab heerdeds' boob
we roll for the kuo-toa trying to do it, and he gets a nat 1
so we decided that the sheer force of heerdeds anger at this made his hand turn into dust
they tie the kuo-toa to like a wall or something, and continue on
they find a really big half-orc chained up alongside some other orcs, being beaten by kuo-toas
and then free them, after killing the fish
oh wait no, he was a half-ogre
anyways, so
the half-ogre is named Denad, and he's a master smith. he goes back to the hamlet, taking the one-handed kuo-toa with him as his apprentice, thanking the party
party continues on, and at this point, Temisar, wielder of zillihelt, uses its special property to reanimate a treasure chest
since it could cast animate objects but on one object 1/day
this is pretty ok, so tehy get Chester
later on, they fight more kuo-toa, and chester crits a kuo-toa
the kuo-toa is so distressed by this he tries to reevaluate his life
and then, he decides that he doesn't want to be a slaver anymore
and joins the party's side, becoming the lawful good kuo-toa priest known as Abraham
he flees the dungeon and goes to the hamlet to live a good life as a prayer boy, and wishing the party luck
this dungeon's almost done, just two more rooms left
the next one is...
well, this guy has no name
so instead
he is a title
"The Racist Imp"
i'm not going to recite the dumb shit he said but it was incredibly real-life racist, for some reason
i don't really know why he existed
but, he sold the party a map in exchange for like
a lock of heerdeds hair or something
and then runs off
((this is bad later on))
party goes to one last room before the final room, and finds a room with blood smeared everywhere, and some orcs, as well as Count Fucking Nebulae
nebulae mind eviscerates some boys as he is known to do, rips them apart, and sees the party
and instead of killing the heroes
he just goes
"Huh. See ya, worms"
now, with the worms able to continue on
they find a book, which talks about Budskit's past
i think they probably met budskit once before this, but it was quite brief
and i don't remember it
so
anyways, last room
it's a huge opening place filled with crystals and gemstones, including a really big pink one
fuck, that pink one has legs
wait shit
rewind a bit i forgot something
ok, so, after envy's thing, they hired a thri-kreen domainless cleric mercenary named Ahnn'Yez
she's a waifu
okay back to our regularly scheduled program
so, the pink one has legs, and is the Crystal Guardian
they fight it and kick its ass, shattering it into a bunch of pieces
and then budskit appears, floating about. he crosses his arms, and utters four words, pointing at them;
"You killed my pet."
effortless he teleports around and just murders all of them without any chance of retaliation, and all they see is darkness
then, they see hands, and then light
"It's me, Gaster." gaster didn't say
but it was in fact gaster
and he spoke to them about the cosmos and reality and shit, giving each of them an amulet that'd resurrect them at half hit points if they died
then, he was like
"Fuck i'mp ossessed"
and then was possessed by the great old one really BBEG, Shatter
they fight him and he's a cakewalk
so gaster is back
he gives some rewards
including a velociraptor
the ability for ahnn'yez to speak common
uh, kiljurn probably got something
heerdeds... yeah maybe he got something too?
and amisar, the cleric, the dainty one
got a FUCKING SHOTGUN
Amisar: "OK GASTER WHY DID I GET A GUN"
gaster: "You are a violent spirit bitch"
that's probably what happened i think
and now they're alive
Zacharie: "Remember me?" he didn't say
and then the party goes to fight the next sin
lemme check which one that was
Lust
okay, so, lust
her hell is really boring
it's just a giant coliseum with like lions and shit
8 lions come out
kiljurn, the barbarian, the mad lad
takes out a steak
a few of them
and tames all the lions
so, lust, being pissed, attacks them with her army of like 3 vrocks and 2 super sized vrocks
they fight them off, temisar climbs on one of the vrocks, and duels with lust on top of the vrocks, getting sexually tension-ly close
zillihelt tells temisar "Yo, there are people inside these bodies, the sins just possess them"
and so, to distract lust
temisar grabs her tits mid-combat
throws the sin of lust into a random succubus
and the party butchers the succubus, saving who was once lust
named Seduia
temisar and her fucked i think it wasn't really touched upon much
and they're back in the hamlet
so, now they're like
level 8-ish
so we're a little under halfway done with the campaign
and we're about to have two roster changes
so, the party goes back to the jungle place, the second dungeon of sorts
and the portal to the kuo-toa dungeon is gone, instead being one to the next place
the next place really sucks
it's a giant cave owned by the Young Red Shadow Psionic Dragon Bard, who goes by the name uh
Valkasar
they go inside the cave, which lasts 4 entire sessions, though Kiljurn is actually not there, as he was doing trials
instead, we get this fucking
half-demon half-angel furry zenyatta
discordian
named... i don't know his name
who cares he sucked
he had hold person as well
very overpowered class
hold monster*
party goes on to kill a bunch, zenyatta sits out
and fucking kiljurn's back
party :"Where were you dragon man"
Kiljurn: "I was in a private session, which the DM and I will do afterwards!"
i never didt hat private session
so, the party then goes to fight valkasar, who is, of course, as all good bosses are, accompanied by an orchestral band of shadows
playing trumpets, strings, and all that
while shooting laser beams and shadowy breath
it was actually a really radical fight, though it didn't last long
he gets killed and it turns out
he was the sin of pride!!!!!
why isn't he in hell?
why is he in this dungeon?
fuck you, that's why
((not like it matters but this is the point where i got dynamic lighting, woo))
so, party goes back to hamlet
temisar tells seduia "I'll be back, don't worry"
hahahahahahhahahahahahhaa
he's not
paarty goes to the jungle once again, to continue to the next place
and you know that imp?
guess what, he sold the hair to a god of darkness
who made a wraith in the shape of heerdeds
aptly named Feardeds
feardeds... is actually really scary
he's kicking major ass
dealing like 50 damage per round in an aoe
now, amisar the cleric
had 37 hit points
at 11th level
how?
i dont know actually
i think the player just
kept rolling
never average
and got 1s
all teh time
anyways so she sucked
party fights off feardeds
then he's like
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU EHERDEDS"
but temisar being cool
jumps in the way
and gets fucking murdered
amisar, seeing her brother dead, runs away crying
and then i guess the velociraptor follows her too, dunno why
party goes back to the hamlet, and meets a new mercenary at regekied's
Mana Ritsuko, a kitsune monk
heerdeds falls head over heels for her like immediately (i think at least but i know they get married eventually so)
and they go to zach's shop
so, Underfell Sans, with his pal, Also Underfell Sans, are robbing the joint
zach is like "Is this a joke"
they're like "No"
and then the party chase them off, off to some weird-ass, spooky tower
they go inside
and there's five underfell sanses
party beats them up, and they go to the top floor
and, sitting on a throne, holding a shotgun
is Fraktur, an underfell papyrus ripoff
party fights him, and he's like
"Okay dumb fucks, I like you."
and now Fraktur, the undead gunslinger, joins the party!
he also brings one of his sanses as an npc who didn't fight much but was cool
lemme check his name
Dwarvish
i don't know why he was naemd this
but he was actually adorable
imagine any stuttery anime boy and that was him
i liked him a lot
so, next off, the party goes to the next teleporter spot
the Land of Frost
however, it's guarded by an odd, metallic cube
the party enters it and god fucking damnit is this undertale
Orion: "Yep it is" he didn't say
but the party probably thought he siad it
so, orion is there
he's a bronze-and-gold shield guardian
he played this and proceeded to quiz them on the campaign!

SnowbandoToday at 12:47 AM
fraktur recognizes it as a place where he abandoned the nazi skeleton army, to go out on his own for conquest
yes, there's two groups of nazis
why?
i dunno
there just are
anyways, so, he meets his old commander and they fight
they go deeper in, turns out Dwarvish is a gang leader here, wanted to impress fraktur
fraktur is like "Ok"
then, they go deeper into the desert, and find a giant mansion thing
they go inside it and whoops it's a cult
it's a fucking cult
of weird flesh people(edited)
they fight them off, learning bits about their hidden knowledge
and then they find some in a room playing Houses and People
so then they play that for a bit, it's a great game
then they leave those cultists alive, good cultists
last room before the end of the dungeon, and they find a chest
Heerdeds: "Oooh, nothing bad is in here I bet"
how incorrect
inside there are 30 gold coins
he picks them up
whoops, they're mimics
he's dropped from like 50-70 hit points to 0 immediately
fraktur goes in the mimic swarm, rips him out, and then saves his life
and the cult's god, Geweld Godheid, broken god of nightmares, speaks to the monk
"Sell your soul, and I'll save you all."
she does so in a heartbeat, and sure enough, she casts tidal wave at like 9th level
from his power
killing every single coin
party takes a short rest, asking what the fuck just happened, and continue on
geweld is waiting for them, and treats them as worms
as evil gods tend to do
they beat him up, get him to 0
and he's like
"Fool, only a god can kill me!"
then, they hear a familiar voice.
the voice of the great old one, shatter
"Then, how about I do so?"
so, shatter kills Geweld, and wields his corpse as a whip
geweld was gargantuan size so
that's a pretty big feat
he then fights the party for a little, then is like "Eh you're all gay" and goes away
and then the party finds a teleporter, locked, and is like "Goddamnit"
goes back to the hamlet
rests
zacharie? zacharie
this hell is Sloth
and it was inside the tarrasque
where people were being infected by a zombie virus
so they had to destroy some brain cells to get inside a locked room
where the brain of the tarrasque had a parasite inside of it, named Pulsation
he was the sin of sloth
being so lazy he didn't have his own body
party kills him
we're really close to the end, at this point
party goes back to dungeon
teleports to somewhere
and it's a dream world with a space genie
who can do anything with time and space
aka he could cast all spells at will
why?
i dunno
he just
could
so, they go into kiljurn's memories
and find his tribe
except they're actually the spirits of each totem
see, one thing i didn't touch on?
kiljurn was a totem barb
insteadof a reasonable, smart DM
who only allowed the totem barb to get his totem's shit
i let him, over time
get every single one
so he had eagle's dash shit
elk's speed
tiger's jump
bear's resistance
and wolf's adv shit
and later at 14th got those bonuses too
what the fuck, i know
anyways, party fights each spirit, mastering them
and then kiljurn, from way back against Valkasar, fully masters the blessing/curse the dragon left on him
and becomes a half-shadow-dragon black dragonborn
...shit i forgot something
ok so, back in that crystal dungeon
there was a dragon egg
party hatched that so they got a radiant dragon
her name's Celeste
she's cute and
anyways party still has her at this point
and she's like
large at this point
but yeah, she exists
so, anyways, party fights the genie
he's like
"Yo chill, here's a teleporter"
it's locked
god damnit
party goes to zach
portal
it's uh
lemme check
ah right
Gluttony
it's just one room
with a dullahan guy
King Dullahan
original name i know
his first name was actually king
but he was the king of undead
so he was
King King Dullahan
King of Dullahans
you're welcome
anyways, they fight him
and then all his attacks are psychic damage
barbarian: "Wow ahha this is funny how none of my resistances work DM"
me: " :cold_sweat: "
then they beat him up and turns out
he's just a weak old man and they're in his mind
they try to kill him, and count fucking nebulae shows up
"Yo, losers, this bitch's mine."
he tries to take him and then WHOOPS
BUDSKIT SHOWS UP
AND GOES
"Hey, fuckers, I'm taking this idiot"(edited)
they both want him for some reason
and before anything can stop them
the party kills the old man
and the two bbegs are like
"Fuck you"
so, they go away
party gets some magic items that don't matter much
and then they go back tot he teleporter
turns out this one neededanother key
so, they go back to zacharie
he summons a portal
and then it's a big casino
so, cuphead just came out a week ago at this point
so they fight king dice, except he's a d8
but his name
is "d0"
pronounced d-zero
they kill him and they see sin of greed
it's zacharie
he's like "Lol fight me nerds"
so they do
he goes into a sort of
chara-underale mode
he goes to 1 hp
and he's like
"Haha, okay, you win"
and then like that gives them the key and goes back to being theirs hopkeep
like nothing ever fucking happened(edited)
oh wait no
okay so instead of giving them the key
the sin of greed himself pops out of him
and it's a suited guy with a chest for a head
and a cane
that wields a roulette wheel as a flail
they beat him up, get the key, THEN zach is a merchant again
and so, they're level 20 at this point.
this is the final stretch.
there were a bunch of little moments i've kind of forgotten
like, there was a funeral for temisar
and they got some more npcs in the hamlet
but i forgot how
so, theparty goes into the final dungeon
all the sins are dead
and it's a giant bridge.
the wind is howling.
budskit stands at one side.
"Let's do this."
party fights him, he almost kicks their ass, but they barely defeat him
he's writhing on the ground, but stands up slowly
then, shatter comes up behind him
"You are worthless."
he breaks budskit's head open, his skin turning pale grey and white, his eye blank
"Once a useful pawn, but now, nothing more than a corpse."
party had learned a lot about budskit prior to this
before he became shatter's puppet, he was just a cool traveler bard who wanted to make some money and make people happy
so, this pissed them off
and they descended into the last level of hell
first, tehy got to fight the goddess of death Resurri, and god of law Gilvone
resurri was like female papyrus
and gilvone was a 30-foot tall steam golem in a suit with a giant gavel that wanted to bang resurri
they were easy as fuck to beat
now for the final battle
against Lord Destruction
he has 666 hp
and is actually kind of laughable
they kick his ass, and then shatter kills his body, taking it over, wearing armor of his flesh
party fights shatter, and takes him down, and they get to meet the goddess who created everything, Lady Creation
"Greetings, heroes. Thank you ever so kindly for saving the world... I'm sorry I couldn't help sooner, for Lord Destruction was... Too close to my heart. Whatever can I do to repay you?"
anime pause here
and so, the party went back to the hamlet, the mansion fixed
and soon, arrives a traveler bard, who just wants to make some money, and make people happy
- The End -
so yeah that was my first campaign
or like, most of it. there's prolly like 20-30% i forgot or didn't get into
but, yeah.
for epilogue shit, uh
heerdeds became a god of light and healing
mana became his wife, probably a goddess
ahnn'yez and kiljurn got married
and, uh
fraktur became like, a general or king or something?
i didn't mention this but for some reason at 19th level
the player asked to retire fraktur and roll up a ninja bandit girl who wanted money
and it was really dumb
but, it happened
she lasted 2 sessions since that was all that was left
i actually planned on my second campaign having them go back to the world and seeing shatter had fucked shit up, but my 2nd campaign broke off at like 6th level due to some real-world conflict, so it never happened