Pieless Mission

>Commencing day 231 in Equestria High, now!
>You are Soren, and are currently skydiving down to class.
>Long story short, you slept in and had to convince Pops to give you a ride.
>Your radio pings, as you pull the parachute.
>Timothy: "Soren, it's Major Typhoon."
"For the last time, I'm not calling you that, Timmy."
>Timothy: "Screw you too. Good luck getting there on your own."
"Thanks!"
>He hangs up as you maneuver down and-
>FUCKING CHRIST YOU GOT HIT WITH A PAPER CLIP TO THE EYE.
"GODDAMMIT! WAS THAT YOU, MAJOR-"
>Timothy: "Nope, but th-"
"I was about to...argh...call you Major Asshole, mind you. Compromise."
>Timothy: "Hell with it, fine. Major Asshole it is, but call me Major."
"Why are you even here, anyway?"
>Timothy: "Don't you remember me interning for your dad a while back? I still got some frequencies memorized. By the way, you should know something."
"What's that?"
>Timothy: "Baking Club got canceled today, so you should be parachuting to Class 104."
"..."
>A loud "FUCK!" could be heard by everyone in Canterlot High as you readjusted your route.
>You are making contact soon...
>And touchdown! You burst through the ceiling like a bizarro Kool-Aid Man.
"Sorry, am I late?"
>Teacher: "Nope. 10 minutes early, in fact."
>You are about to punch the wall when your radio rings.
>Timothy: "Soren, I'm pretty sure you dropped your bag on the way down. Might want to check that."
>Amy: "Yeah, that's a good idea!"
"Amy? Shouldn't you be hanging out with Nolan or whatever?"
>Amy: "That's your cue."
>Nolan: "Thanks, Amy."
"Nolan North?! It's actually you?"
>Nolan: "Yeah. Soren, right?"
"Holy christ, I've heard so much about you! They still discuss your cooking today, and, well...is it true you made a legendary cherry pie?"
>Nolan: "...Yeah. Legendary."
>Amy: "What do you mean, legendary? It was-"
>Timothy: "Anyway! Go grab your bag, Soren."
"...Okay then."
>You take off the mask, exposing your face as you open the window and roll out.

>You see your bag in a tree once you stand again.
>Strangely, the campus is cleared of students.
>Except for a familiar white face with red hair.
>Fucking Hot Rod. He's probably going to burn something again today.
>You ignore him like he was Hitler, and walk to the tree.
>Climbing up it, you grab the backpack and drop down.
>Timothy: "Good work, Soren. Now, we need a favor."
"I have a bad feeling about this."
>Amy: "Relax! We just need you to get Adam Atomic out of a locker."
"Should I ask what happened?"
>Nolan: "He pissed off Brad."
"Man, Brad's been on edge lately."
>Amy: "You can say that again. He doesn't even hit on me anymore!"
"You're kidding."
>Timothy: "She isn't. That said, let's get introduced. I'm Major Typhoon and I actually have some British blood in me."
>Amy: "I'm Para-Keet and I need to rewatch The Room by Tommy Wiseau."
>Nolan: "I'm Nolan North, and-"
"Nolan, when this is done, can you teach me to bake a legendary pie?"
>Amy: "NO!"
>Timothy: "NO!"
>Nolan: "I'd rather not."
"Okay, fine. Later then."
>Timothy: "After you rescue Adam."
"Fine, fine. Commencing Pieless Mission now."
>Amy: "Can't you just buy one?"
"I'm saving money, get off my back.

>You walk to the hall where you spot a shaking locker, some jocks patrolling.
>Jock 1: "Man, Flash is seriously pissed.
>Jock 2: "Can you blame him, brah? Given what happened with Soren, and Hot Rod's bullshit, I'd be pissed too."
>Yeah, no. You just left the fucking club, that's all.
>You're a baker, not a football fanatic.
>You carefully sneak by, and notice there's a jock near the shaking locker.
>You reach into your pack and pull out some marbles, rolling them at his feet.
>You then grab a rubber band ball, and bounce it off the wall at him.
>He is hit, slips, and hits his head on the stairs.
>Everyone notices, and they also fall and get knocked out.
"Nice! Knew Bully was a good and accurate simulator."
>Timothy: "It wasn't."
"Whatever."
>You approach the locker, and open it using the combination to...
>Hold on, this is YOUR locker! You were getting framed!
"Adam, it's me, Soren."
>Adam: "Oh thank Einstein! I-I was so worried I'd be stuck in there, and you'd get expelled!"
"Hey, man. I don't leave a guy hanging."
>Brad: "Bullshit you don't, brah."
>Oh fuck a duck named Chuck.
>You turn, closing the locker to give Adam shelter, and face Brad.
>Brad: "Really? You stick up for nerds? What happened?"
"People change, Brad. Most of them, anyway."
>Brad: "Whatever. I'm going to have to do something now. Boys!"
>The jocks come in, bringing in...Rainbow Dash?
"What?"
>Brad: "I know you want her prime teen pussy, but you gotta live with this, brah. You gotta be punished. Skirt down!"
>As the skirt comes off, you jump kick one of them in the head!
"I know CQC, brah."
>A jock rushes you and you throw him to the ground.
>Two more come, and you slam their heads together.
>Brad comes, and you go for a punch-punch-kick.
>Rainbow Dash is hightailing it out of there, meanwhile.
>Brad starts to get up as you pin him.
"Something you should know. Rainbow Dash is cool, yeah. But I don't like her that way."

>Brad: "Bullshit! You both like soccer or whatever!"
"Football. And Brad, I've told you this lots of times; I like smarter girls. Maybe if you went for them to blackmail me, you'd suck less."
>BIFF!
>He's down and out.
>You get up and throw the jock behind you over your knee, taking care of them all.
>Thank god the cameras are out.
>You open the locker door, and Adam is in there, shaking.
>Adam: "I-is it over?"
"Yeah. Let's get out of here. What did they do, anyway?"
>Adam: "You know that Twilight Sparkle girl, right? The one that acted really weird for a while?"
"What about her?"
>Adam: "Well, Brad wanted to figure out how the mirror she and Sunset Shimmer fought over worked, so he made me do calculations! Apparently, there's a land called-"
"On second thought, don't tell me."
>Adam sighs, as the two of you exit the building.
>Outside, you see...Nolan?
"Nolan? THE Nolan North?!"
>Adam: "You know Nolan? Isn't he a gang leader?"
"Who cares? LEGENDARY PIE!"
>Nolan: "Not today, I'm afraid."
>He drops two briefcases he was carrying, as oh goddammit.
>Hot Rod is behind him.
>...Wait, is that also Laine Sunflower?
"Hey, Laine."
>Hot Rod: "What about me, Soren?"
"Fuck off you terrorist."
>Hot Rod looks hurt as Laine rolls her eyes.
>Laine: "Oh for the love of ___, just do it Nolan!"
>Nolan: "Alright. Come with me, Adam, or I'm gunning you down."
"What?!"
>Adam just runs to him, crying.
>Adam: "JUST DON'T HURT M-"
>He is suddenly snatched up to the air by a guy in a STALKER suit!
>STALKER: "You're coming with me, scrub."
>The guy snatches Adam up to a helicopter above with the Saint's Bro logo on it.
>Jesus christ, the OTHER rumors are true!
>Meanwhile, you're in the middle of a magma storm.
"WHY ARE THINGS ON FIRE?!"
>A guy who looks like a Dark Souls pyromancer is casting flames from his hands.
>The firepower: "It was me! THE FIREPOWER!"
>Nolan: "Can we just go? Lift me, The awesome."
>The STALKER guy picks Nolan up, and also grabs Laine.

>Laine glows, meanwhile, and jumps to the helicopter.
>?: "The Power within...The Power within..."
>Laine: "Shut your [spoiler]____[/spoiler]faced mouth, The power."
>This is getting stupid.
>Hot Rod seems to agree as he slinks off.
"No way, terrorist!"
>As the flames die down, you rush him, and feel a gun at the back of your head.
>Nolan: "Soren, Soren, Soren. You need to blame the right people."
"Nolan! I didn't want to have to do this!"
>You turn to face him, ignoring Hot Rod for now.
"Wait, how did you get down here?"
>Nolan: "I jumped, thanks to The power."
"Who ARE these people?! Whatever! You leave me no choice!"
>You hold out a hand, as does he...
"ONE TWO THREE FOUR, I DECLARE A THUMB WAR!"
>He immediately breaks your arm.
"Fuck you, that's chea-"
>You are kicked back as you grab his scarf, and fall into a conveniently placed manhole.
>This is gonna suck.

>Meanwhile, on the helicopter Nolan reboarded afterwards.
>Laine: "Alright! Let's celebrate! Hot Rod, blow up the school with the nukes Nolan provided."
>Hot Rod: "WHAT?! No!"
>Nolan holds a gun to his head again.
>Nolan: "Do it."
>Hot Rod: "Okay, jeez."
>Hot Rod picks up the nuke launcher, before his arm dislocates.
>Hot Rod: "HOLY SHIT THIS IS HEAVY!"
>Laine: "Oh [spoiler]___[/spoiler] out my [spoiler]___[/spoiler], JUST FIRE.
>Hot Rod whimpers as he relocates his shoulder and picks up the launcher and a nuke.
>He aims at the school, and...
>Hot Rod: "I can't do it."
>Laine: "What the [spoiler]____[/spoiler] do you mean, you can't?!"
>Hot Rod: "I can't find the stupid trigger!"
>Adam: "Erm, it's near your left index finger."
>Hot Rod: "Oh, thanks."
>Adam: "No wait I mean...uhh...darn it, I just doomed the school!"
>Hot Rod aims, and fires!
>The nuke goes completely off track due to Hot Rod's failure to do anything right, and it flies off...
>Soon, a report about a certain Canterlot University being nuked would be aired.
>Laine: "...[spoiler]______ ______ _____ ______ ____________[/spoiler]!!"
-
>Meanwhile, at the sewer a number of miles away from Canterlot University.
>You have finally gotten out of the sewer, and you got radio contact!
>Timothy: "Soren, come in!"
"Major! Nolan just defected!"
>Timothy: "That's nice but you need to clean up. I can hear how bad you smell."
"I...fuck it. Fine."
>Amy: "You should have some soap in your backpack."
"Why would I have..."
>Huh, you do.
"So how do I soap away all this literal shit?"
>Amy: "Just scrub."
"Well, what choice do I have."
>You scrub away at the shit, and soon enough you're clean as a whistle. Funny how things work.
"Okay, so-"
>That's when a nuke hits that Canterlot University place.
>You quickly take cover back in the sewers, shit smell be damned.
"Wait, shouldn't being this close kill me regardless?"
>You are interrupted when an Intro sequence plays!
>SNAKE EAAAAAAAATER!

End