You do not recognize the ducks in the water

Haddo! This is a first draft of something I wrote for a challenge from my friend Kaer! I hope you like it, I hope it moves you a little. It certainly did me. I know I can do better, but I did promise you all that I would work more on sharing my writing. Well... here we go.


Hi Jenn...
I promised I'd keep this log for you, this journal, this... living obituary... whatever this is... while you're out west on deployment. Dad's... well dad's still with us, I think... Most days. Today was not one of those days. God I wish you were here, you were always his favorite. I don't think hes mad it's me here instead of you or anything... with him at the end and all, I just think hes frustrated. Like he remembers who he was or who he thinks he was or who hes supposed to be and he can't quite be that anymore. Something hitching his thoughts like an unfinished sneeze or a forgetful trip to the fridge. I think it was easier for him to have moments of weakness with you than with me, or maybe just more self-forgiveness. I just don't know...

I tried to take him duck hunting, just like the old days. He was so excited Jenn you should have seen him! Got out of bed before I did and I never even heard that familiar weird creak from his bedroom door when it shuts. I woke to him rummaging in the sink cleaning up after making coffee and those weird sausage biscuits. Do you remember those? The ones he always overloaded with sage and cheese and put in those cheap little plastic bags that we ate later on in the boat? I didn't even know we had biscuits in the fridge!

He was just waiting in the old kitchen chair with a plate full of those and crumbs in his moustache. The absolute stupidest grin on his face. Under that dull yellow light with the overhead oven one on next to him I forgot for a moment how bad things were. "Eat up champ! Gotta get yer strenth!!" I swear I was thirteen again, anxious, nervous, excited, aprehensive. Just a full rainbow of feelings that I've never had when I went out on the lake alone. I sat down and started stuffing my face, what else was I supposed to do?! It was a plate full of memories with bite after bite of blind nostalgia. I finished a few moments later as he chuckled to himself, cleaning the crumbs from his face with that god awful excuse for coffee he used to make. "Thanks dad, I'll get the rest around soon". He nooded like he remembered why we had to keep the guns locked up but it didn't seem to phase him.

I wiped the crumbs off my chin, leaving a sizable smattering on the table in the process and went to the safe. Pulled out the 20 gauge he bought me for my thirteenth birthday and his old beat up Remington 12 gauge, the one with that notch on the stock from when you bagged your first mallard and dinged it on the side of the boat, you remember? Snagged a couple boxes of shells I'd bought special for this and headed out. He was already at the door pulling on his camo and that damn safety hat that made him look like a walking traffic cone. Practically ran out to the truck and stopped for a bit at the back.

"D'ja member the decoys boy! The ducks!!".

"yeah dad, put em in the back last night with the vests, already all set!"

"Good lad!" ... christ I cant remember the last time he called me a good lad...

The drive was short, but it always had been. Even the sun was under its covers, tucked into a cloud behind the trees and still dreaming of smiling down on folks later in the day. Dad practically bolted out the truck and to the boat, leaving me to awkwardly haul the decoys, vests, and cooler while he had the shotguns in tow. "C'mohn Boy! Times a wastin". He was just so... energized again, so much his old self... I ... guess I just forgot for awhile. Im not sure if it was neglect or compassion or just a boyhood unlocked dream that kept me pushing without care or caution, but I did.

I somehow managed to juggle everything out into the boat like I was dancing with a stepladder, surely looked a fool, but got it all in all the same. Dad wanted to drive the boat so I let him, he was always better with it than I was. Never once saw him fail to start it on more than three pulls, believe me, after all these years I was counting! We got out onto the lake and started to setup. It was that brilliant perfect cold, the kind that really makes you appreciate those damn gloves we got for Christmas every year. Just enough to be a nuisance, but only after 20 minutes or so. I finished up, threw out the decoys, and got the thermos out to get dad and I some warmth back in our bones... Loaded up the shotgun and handed it over to him and he cradled it like a lost love. Like it was mom at prom back when they were sweethearts and the world fell away. A love he sorely missed for a second brought back as a memory at dawn.

I didn't even think about it Jenn... I.. Im not sure I could have? Like maybe this is me trying to push blame? Like its not my fault? My heart was in the right place I swear, you KNOW me Jenn! Dad took the cup and just stared out into the water, not that calm, patient silent stare. Not like he was waiting for the perfect moment, more like he was puzzling something out. You know his eyes aren't even blue anymore? Not really, not like they used to be. You can see it if you catch him like this, focusing on something else, something distant. A dull gray almost, like the colors all gone but it knows what it was supposed to look like. Like everything else I guess.

"Whatcha see dad?" I was quiet, just like he taught us. "They're smartern santa, theyll hear ya if ya dont shooosh" he used to tell us. I heard some ducks way off in the distance, but all I could see was the decoys.

"Them ducks is wrong"

I swear I should have known right there... It's not like he had ever said it before so I just asked again "Whatcha see dad? I hear some too far to shoot, whatcha see?"

The rest of the color, not just from his eyes, was gone from his face when he turned to me. Something horrible and vacant was there, but it wasn't dad. It didn't even look like dad it looked so far away and afraid and just confused. He lifted his hand so slow I couldn't even hear the noise from his floaty and just pointed, then reached out to the water, to the decoys. Arm perfectly straight for a moment that hung around like the morning fog we went through.

"Them. Ducks. Is. Wrong."

"The decoys dad? Wrong how, I bought em bout a year or so back cheap! Had nothin but luck with em"... I can't believe I forgot. Only now as I write all this down after's do I realize it all... How he had those hand carved ones that he and poppop made when he was a kid. How he trained you and me with those when we were that same age. I put em away! I couldn't have em messed up out on the lake or break a neck in the truck, they were precious to me! to us! Dads practicality always was front and center in everything he did though I suppose. He's probably mad we aren't usin em, least thats how I think it started.

"I DON REKONIZE THE DUCKS IN THE WATER!"

It was the damndest yell I'd heard from him. Louder when I stole the caddy to go make out with Jenna back in high school... Louder than the threats he yelled at Jimmy when he dared bring you back after curfew... Somethin panicked in that scream, begged to rip out of his chest, to be away from his body. Something wanted out of him or he wanted it out... I dunno Jenn but it weren't him...

"THEMS NOT MY DUCKS!!! THIS AINT RIGHT!!!"

no chance of anything comin in now, too much noise, too much activity, and I knew he still had his Remington at his lap.

"Okay dad, maybe we should head in, I didn't mean to rile y..."

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!"

Jenn I cannot describe the shock.. the cold stun like ice in my lungs that went all the way to my eyes and just froze tears, when he said that.

"Wha..." I tried to start

"GIVE EM BACK! GIMME BACK MY DUCKS! GIMME MY KIDS!! GIMME MY WIFE!!! GIMME MY... my... my?"

I thought he was lucid enough and I had somehow rallied from his comment. I knew it wasn't him, it was just the condition talking, he can't control it, cant be held accountable, lord its not his fault... I tried to reach past him... to get the motor started, to get us back to land where it was safer. I moved slow trying not to be a threat but he was right there between me and the boat motor. It was right there, I could still smell it, I just had to reach...

"YOU AINT HIM"!!!

and he shot me.

He didn't know... I swapped out the loads for blanks... that's why I bought those special shells. We weren't REALLY huntin, not really. Just playin, pretend like... I read somewhere that things like this help with the Alzheimer's.. that sometimes they remember. Sights, morning sun, cold, bad coffee, biscuits, sounds from the life vest and the lake and the ducks. I thought I was helping Jenn... The shot echoed across the lake and bounced back at us from the trees on the shore. And we froze. I just... sat back down. I wasn't hurt in the slightest, that round was all bark with nothin in it to bite, but my mind was shook and my heart had collapsed in on itself from the hurt of the act.. from what it meant.

The color came back to his face, even the blues in his eyes I swear I saw it in the dark.

"God.. Son.. I... I.."

"Lets... go home dad"

He hung his head and nodded as I reached past him and fired up the engine. Oil and smoke filled the air for a second. We didn't talk all the way back... or when we loaded the truck up... or even when I got him home and out of that stupid life vest. I just put the guns back in the safe and locked it. Codes moms birthday if you ever need it...

We haven't talked much in the 2 days since... Just 2 strangers sharing a house that we're both afraid to remember now.

I left the decoys out in the lake... they were the wrong ducks anyways... I don't think anyone will recognize the ducks in the water.