In this file I keep my favourite fortune cookies. Fortune is a simple program
that prints a random, hopefully interesting, possibly even funny, quote or
epigram from a database. Fortune is a part of the BSD-games package, which is
available for most Unix-type operating systems, such as FreeBSD and Linux.

updated: Wed 25 May 2011

---

Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
    with brightly colored machine tools.

---

"I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it
scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
                -- Steven Wright

---

Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY
UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
                -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"

---

Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
        (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
        (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
        (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
            first two laws.

---

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable.
                -- John F. Kennedy

---

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
                -- Harry Truman

---

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
                -- Swami X

---

                AMAZING BUT TRUE ...

If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.

---

The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
thinkers.

---

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.

---

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

---

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
                -- F. P. Jones

---

If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.

---

"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."

---

When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
                -- Vine Deloria, Jr.

---

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
                -- Gallagher

---

Anxiety, n.:
        The first time you can't do it a second time.

Panic, n.:
        The second time you can't do it the first time.

---

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
now.

---

Q:  How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
    screwing began.

---

"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
you knowing nothing?"
                -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions

---

What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
improved considerably, because there is a crisis.  But there are a few
boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:

    1. We may not change our thinking habits.
    2. We may not change our programming tools.
    3. We may not change our hardware.
    4. We may not change our tasks.
    5. We may not change the organizational set-up
       in which the work has to be done.

Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.

Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972

---

It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.

---

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
to produce bigger and better idiots.  So far, the Universe is winning.

                -- Rich Cook

---

Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.

---

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
                -- Oscar Wilde

---

Worst Month of the Year:
        February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't
get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
                -- Steve Rubenstein

---

CChheecckk  yyoouurr  dduupplleexx  sswwiittcchh..

---

Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.

---

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a
law against it by that time.

---

Meskimen's Law:
        There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.

---

Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
automation?

---

"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
                -- Karl Lehenbauer

---

Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

---

Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.

---

Hlade's Law:
        If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
will find an easier way to do it.

---

You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
can with just a kind word.
                -- Bumper Sticker

---

C, n.:
        A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or
anything else.  It is either the best language available to the art
today, or it isn't.
                -- Ray Simard

---

"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."

---

People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
did yesterday.

---

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
at the stake while the votes were being counted.
                -- Thomas B. Reed

---

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
ANY ITEM'S.  Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
                -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

---

Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.

---

Bug, n.:
        An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
wrote the program.

Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
                -- Ray Simard

---

If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.

---

Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
                -- Pablo Picasso

---

I'm tired of telling people what they're too lazy to know.
                --Van Morrison

---

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
                --Charlie McCarthy

---

There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
family.  But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
the way his government is living.  What the government has got to do is
live as cheap as the people.
                -- The Best of Will Rogers

---

For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
religions.

                -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>

---

One possible reason why things aren't going
according to plan is that there never was a plan.

---

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
                -- Elbert Hubbard

---

bi, n:
        When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.

---

Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.

---

Welcome to UNIX!  Enjoy your session!  Have a great time!  Note the
use of exclamation points!  They are a very effective method for
demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
sentence!  However, there are drawbacks!  Too much unnecessary exclaiming
can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
the reader!  For example, the sentence

        Jane went to the store to buy bread

should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
Jane doesn't exist for some reason!  See how easy it is?!  Proper control
of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life!  Call now to receive
my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling!  Operators are
standing by!  (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)

---

Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
religion; rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
Western science.
                -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"

---

E Pluribus UNIX.

---

Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?

---

What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.

---

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.

---

It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys.  Seems that there are not
only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached.  The only
difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
results to humans.

        [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do.  Ed.]

---

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
                -- H. H. Munroe

---

The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.

---

To make an enemy, do someone a favor.

---

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
telescopes.
                -- Edsger W. Dijkstra

---

QOTD:
        "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"

---

It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
attention, the harder the task.
                -- Sydney J. Harris

---

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
        be good
}

---

Murphy's Laws:
        (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
        (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
        (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.

---

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And littered with
sloppy analysis!

---

                        Get GUMMed
                        --- ------
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep
each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three
days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two
seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You Know is
Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because
all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
could tell them.
                -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84

---

YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
        by Miss Fortune

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
        Matters are not good, where you health is concerned.  This Fall, be
sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
and you will live all the days of your life.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
        You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
brewskis.  Don't fret too much, Taurus.  To get back on your feet simply
miss two car payments.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
        You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
common with yourself.  You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
you meet in court.

---

If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.

---

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
                -- Oscar Wilde

---

While most peoples' opinions change,
the conviction of their correctness never does.

---

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
                -- Henny Youngman

---

Q:      What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
A:      Six sick Sikhs (sic).

---

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
very narrow field.
                -- Niels Bohr

---

I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
that I could have evolved from man.

---

Once I finally figured out all of life's
answers, they changed the questions.

---

Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
out of the market.

---

If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
                -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"

---

You know, the difference between this company and
the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.

---

The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
combination is locked up in the safe.
                -- Peter DeVries

Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
same safe.

---

I am two with nature.
                -- Woody Allen

---

Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with
our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...

---

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

---

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

---

A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
D is for dd, the command that does all.
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for join, which nobody uses.
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
N is for nice, which it really is not.
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true, which does very little.
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
                -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX

---

The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
                -- D. Cohen

---

If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
                -- Bruce Schneier

---

Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
capitalism.
                -- Walter Lippmann

---

Start the day with a smile.
After that you can be your nasty old self again.

---

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

---

The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
memos.
                -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981

---

Television -- a medium.  So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
                -- Ernie Kovacs

---

How often I found where I should be going
only by setting out for somewhere else.
                -- R. Buckminster Fuller

---

It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
                -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5

---

Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
If you want to come, you're not invited.

---

CONSULTATION:
        Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."

---

I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!

---

Well, don't worry about it...  It's nothing.
                -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
                   Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
                   Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
                   at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
                   per hour, December 7, 1941.

---

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
                -- Mark Twain

---

The makers may make,
And the users may use,
But the fixers must fix
With but minimal clues.

---

There is always someone worse off than yourself.

---

It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
                -- Sean O'Huiginn

---

The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
                -- Alfred De Musset

---

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author
                -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"

---

If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1
passes.  Someone in the group has to be the manager.
                -- T. Cheatham

---

Verba volant, scripta manent!

---

If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo.  Useful
feature, that.
                -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990

---

Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
than they do.
                -- Turgenev

---

When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
with changing conditions.  When a man you don't like does it, he is a
liar who has broken his promises.
                -- Franklin Adams

---

Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
but it does make you part of a larger picture.

---

paak, n:        A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
                        vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
patato, n:      The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
Septemba, n:    The 9th month of the year.
shua, n:        Having no doubt; certain.
sista, n:       A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
tamato, n:      A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
                        or as a vegetable.
troopa, n:      A state policeman.
Wista, n:       A city in central Masschewsetts.
yaad, n:        A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
                -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary

---

Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
order to get power we would have to become very much like them.  (Lenin's
fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)

---

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
                -- Indian proverb

---

A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?

---

Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.

---

The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.

---

An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
                -- Albert Camus

---

Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
                -- Nelson Algren

---

FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?

---

"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
                -- Ted Turner

---

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

---

"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."

---

There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I
can't remember.
                -- Italo Svevo

---

At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
not.  But obviously it cannot be where it is not.  And if it is where
it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
                -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow

---

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

---

Information Center, n.:
        A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.

---

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

---

Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.

It makes sense, when you don't think about it.

---

Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called
"Bureaucracy".  Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do
anything loses.

---

The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
cursed.

---

A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
believe everything positively stinks.
                -- Lew Col

---

Worst Vegetable of the Year:
        The brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next
year.
                -- Steve Rubenstein

---

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
                -- Paul Gauguin

---

Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.
And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
blazer.

---

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
crowd.  The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
one has ever been.
                -- Alan Ashley-Pitt

---

Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
plain sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has
it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was
arrested for drunk driving.  The snakes left because people kept
throwing up on them.

---

"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
garage door."

---

The revolution will not be televised.

---

Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
                -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

---

Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
away.

---

A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures.
                -- Daniel Webster

---

Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.

---

At first, I just did it on weekends.  With a few friends, you know...
We never wanted to hurt anyone.  The girls loved it.  We'd all sit
around the computer and do a little UNIX.  It was just a kick.  At
least that's what we thought.  Then it got worse.

It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays.  After a
while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
crave to go do UNIX.  Then it started affecting my job.  I would just
have to do it during my break.  Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
`more'.  I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
function as a normal person.

I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem.  It wasn't easy.  If
you're smart, just don't start.  Remember, if any weirdo offers you
some UNIX,

        Just Say No!

---

Q:  How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
    in San Francisco?
A:  Both of them.

---

There are three ways to get something done:
        (1) Do it yourself.
        (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
        (3) Forbid your kids to do it.

---

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

---

Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.

---

Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're
going to catch you in next.
                -- Franklin P. Jones

---

"Hello," he lied.
                -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent

---

        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.

Here is a sample program:
        LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
        IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
           VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
                FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
                        DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
                        BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
                SURE
        LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
        REALLY
        LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
        IM*SURE
        GOTO THE MALL

When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:

        GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!

---

"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'.  I said, `That's nothing,
you should hear me play piano.'"
                -- Morrisey

---

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.

---

Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
        That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
have gotten.

---

What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
computer?  It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.

---

There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one
works.

---

It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
self-critical?
                -- Alan Perlis

---

cursor address, n:
        "Hello, cursor!"
                -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

---

        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL

SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.

---

One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
paint.

---

University, n.:
        Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
fix it, and ...

---

Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
        Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
be out of a job.

---

Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:

        Hardware is what you kick;
        Software is what you curse.

---

Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
        Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
another drink.

---

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.

---

Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
the smaller prime numbers.

2:  The Odd Prime --
        It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd.  QED.
3:  The True Prime --
        Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
        Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime
        in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91
        received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
        next most.  However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
        at all.

Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.

---

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
                -- Eleanor Roosevelt

---

The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
        Support your right to bare arms!

---

Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
Please...

                        CONSERVE GRAVITY

Follow these simple suggestions:

(1)  Walk with a light step.  Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2)  Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
     curling.
(4)  Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
(5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
     pile.
(6)  Stop flipping pancakes

---

"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."

---

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

---

It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates.  One slow day, he found that he
had time to chat with the new entrants.  To the first one he asked,
"What's your IQ?"  The new arrival replied, "190".  They discussed
Einstein's theory of relativity for hours.  When the second new arrival
came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ.  The answer
this time came "120".  To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
your IQ?".  Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"

---

Spouse, n.:
        Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

---

        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP

This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is said
to be useful in protheththing lithtth.

---

War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.

---

A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.

---

Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware
has limitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing
machines are so poor at I/O.

---

If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
around a deal faster.
                -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"

---

/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.

---

                        ACHTUNG!!!

Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken.  Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.  Relaxen und
vatch das blinkenlights!!!

---

        When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer
to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.
        In a way, the next move is up to him.
                -- R. A. Lafferty

---

Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.

---

The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
combination is locked up in the safe.
                -- Peter DeVries

---

Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.

---

                        Chapter 1

The story so far:

        In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
                -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"

---

Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
        (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
        (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
        (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
            first two laws.

---

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
                -- Mark Twain.

---

A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
        Divided by seven,
        Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.

---

The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
walk carefully.
                -- Russian Proverb

---

        How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are
3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,
who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
nanocentury.
                -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs

---

This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go.

---

Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.

---

San Francisco, n.:
        Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.

---

I doubt, therefore I might be.

---

Bureaucrat, n.:
        A person who cuts red tape sideways.
                -- J. McCabe

---

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

       `

---

"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
                -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]

---

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:

Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

---

Some points to remember [about animals]:

(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
    hippopotamuses;
(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
    front of your clothes;
(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
    you have just kicked.
                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

---

43rd Law of Computing:
        Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped

---

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best.
                -- Woody Allen

---

        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE

SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
a syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.  Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.

---

For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.

---

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
        Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
        corner of the workshop.

Corollary:
        On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
        your toes.

---

        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH

FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
who end up using this language.

---

Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
Orac: "It is unlikely.  I would predict there are far greater mistakes
      waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."

---

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
bureaucracy.

---

"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
get more wax!!"

---

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject.
                -- Winston Churchill

---

There *is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.

---

"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."

---

Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:

10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
 9) You question the worthiness of my code?  I should kill you where you stand!
 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
 7) What is this talk of 'release'?  Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
    Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
    assurance people in its wake.
 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
     - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
 5) Debugging?  Klingons do not debug.  Our software does not coddle the weak.
 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS.  It has FEATURES, and those features
    are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
    original Klingon.
 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software!  Ship it!  Ship
    it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

---

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
                -- Maslow

---

(1) Everything depends.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.

---

Famous last words:
        (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
        (2) "You and what army?"
        (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
             a cop."

---

"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."

---

Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
day.

---

If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
yesterday?

---

... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...

---

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
        You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do
much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.

---

"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
our grave singing Halleluja ..."
                -- Monty Python

---

Statisticians probably do it.

---

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

---

Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
to.

---

The best defense against logic is ignorance.

---

Faith, n:
        That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
untrue.

---

                The Three Major Kind of Tools

* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
  jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
  manner that they function perfectly.  (These are your hammers, maces,
  bludgeons, and truncheons.)

* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot.  (Awls)

* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
  greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
  (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
  any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

---

"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
universe."
                -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos

---

"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."

---

Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
                -- Walt Kelly

---

Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
ANY ITEM'S.  Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
                -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

---

Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...

---

"Plaese porrf raed."
                -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase

---

Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
                -- Miguel de Cervantes

---

To generalize is to be an idiot.
                -- William Blake

---

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
men, two of them absent.

---

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

---

Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.

---

Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked
him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
last week.  The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
better.

---

It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
                -- Gore Vidal

---

The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
time.
                -- Merrick Furst

---

Mitchell's Law of Committees:
        Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.

---

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
                -- Mark Twain

---

"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."

---

Here I sit, broken-hearted,
All logged in, but work unstarted.
First net.this and net.that,
And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.

The boss comes by, and I play the game,
Then I turn back to net.flame.
Is there a cure (I need your views),
For someone trapped in net.news?

I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.

---

Self Test for Paranoia:
        You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
your own fault.

---

Tact, n.:
        The unsaid part of what you're thinking.

---

A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
        But the good ones I've seen
        So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

---

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.

---

                        Pittsburgh Driver's Test

(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
    but a steady left tail light.  This means

        (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
            to call the problem to the driver's attention.
        (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
        (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
        (d) the driver is from out of town.

The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign
countries to signal turns.

---

"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
Machineries of Joy?  That is, did not God promote environments, then
intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
and women, such as are we all?  And thus happily sent forth, at our
best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
we not God's Machineries of Joy?"

"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
                -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"

---

This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.

---

Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?

---

"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"

---

Pascal, n.:
        A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.

---

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

---

You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

---

Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.

---

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
                -- English Professor, Ohio University

---

For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!

---

Disc space -- the final frontier!

---

There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it's not
a fence.

---

There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
allows you to install Windows.
                -- Matthew D. Fuller

---

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
it."
                -- Dave Barry

---

Excellent time to become a missing person.

---

You have junk mail.

---

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
elephant.

---

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.

---

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
U is for Una  who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
                -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"

---

Predestination was doomed from the start.

---

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
                -- Vroomfondel

---

Boy, n.:
        A noise with dirt on it.

---

The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of
management is that success equals skill.
                -- Robert Heller

---

If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
                -- Danno Coppock

---

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
                -- Anatole France

---

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:

Q:  What happened then?
A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
    me."
Q:  Did he kill you?
A:  No.

---

"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."

---

Shaw's Principle:
        Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.

---

"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"

"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
right?"
                -- MacNelley, "Shoe"

---

Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
        It's on the other side.

---

If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z.  X is work.  Y
is play.  Z is keep your mouth shut.
                -- Albert Einstein

---

Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!

---

To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.

---

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
before it is understood.

---

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong.
                -- H. L. Mencken

---

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
        The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
of your eyes.

---

People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
press than people who are just funny and smart.
                -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"

---

Sen. Danforth:  "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
                notify you if the record has pornographic material or
                material glorifying violence?"
Tipper Gore:    "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
Frank Zappa:    "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
                legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
                not for little Johnny."

                -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
                   lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985

---

The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
                -- Thomas Jefferson

---

Boren's Laws:
        (1) When in charge, ponder.
        (2) When in trouble, delegate.
        (3) When in doubt, mumble.

---

"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?

He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
for him then.
                -- Steven Wright

---

Katz' Law:
        Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.

---

Accident, n.:
        A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.

---

"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
make it shorter."
                -- Blaise Pascal

---

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
                -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"

---

You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.

---

Alone, adj.:
        In bad company.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

---

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
                -- Will Durant

---

FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
                -- Warner Losh

---

My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
log out again.

---

O'Riordan's Theorem:
        Brains x Beauty = Constant.

Purmal's Corollary:
        As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
availability goes to zero.

---

Coito ergo sum

---

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.

---

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
the first time.
                -- Alfred E. Wiggam

---

If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

---

Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
                -- Louise Beal

---

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
        You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
followed by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your
associates and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack
confidence and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible
things to small animals.

---

If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.

---

The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
        Support your right to bare arms!

---

"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."

---

Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

---

Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you
from enjoying it.

---

Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

---

"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
thing as division."

---

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.

---

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

---

Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

---

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

---

Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

---

"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate.  I told this to
my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
                -- Steven Wright

---

Never eat more than you can lift.
                -- Miss Piggy

---

You may be recognized soon.  Hide.

---

You are here:
                ***
                ***
             *********
              *******
               *****
                ***
                 *

                 But you're not all there.

---

BE ALERT!!!!  (The world needs more lerts ...)

---

Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
        Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
        In kernel as it is in user!

---

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives.

---

"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"

---

LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
        Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
        desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and
        polite.  Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.

---

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
        You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
        reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
        Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most
        Libra women are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal
        disease.

---

Lie, n.:
        A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.

---

Lieberman's Law:
        Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

---

Universe, n.:
        The problem.

---

FreeBSD: everything but the fairings

---

Bumper sticker:

"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture"

---

"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
coughing."

---

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
        Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
        ten without using your fingers.  Be careful dressing this
        morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
        wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
        that old underwear you own.

---

The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
                -- John McNulty

---

Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...

---

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
        Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
        Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
        you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of
        fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
        a sick sense of humor.

---

Seminars, n.:
        From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.

---

Boston, n.:
        Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
finishing second in the Irish jig competition.

---

"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."

(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
                -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)

---

I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
on the same day.

---

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

---

Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
        It's on the other side.

---

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
        No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

---

Leibowitz's Rule:
        When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.

---

You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
for instance.
                -- Franklin P. Jones

---

"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
hands for masturbation."
                -- Lily Tomlin

---

Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once.

---

"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
transplant."

---

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.

---

It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
                -- Marty Winch

---

"A witty saying proves nothing."
                -- Voltaire

---

Brain fried -- Core dumped

---

One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
                -- Professor Charles P. Issawi

---

Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.
                -- Jawaharlal Nehru

---

"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
which is the exact opposite."
                -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928

---
      _
  _  / \                           o
 / \ | |                       o           o             o
 | | | |   _                    o    o                 o       o
 | \_| |  / \                 o                     o    o
  \__  |  | |             o                           o
     | |  | |            ______   ~~~~              _____
     | |__/ |          / ___--\\ ~~~             __/_____\__
     |  ___/          / \--\\  \\   \ ___       <__  x x  __\
     | |             / /\\  \\       ))  \         (  "  )
     | |     -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
     | |   //       | | //__________  /    \    ____)   (___      \\
     | |  //      __|_|  ( --------- )      //// ______ /////\     \\
         //       |    (  \ ______  /      <<<< <>-----<<<<< /      \\
        //       (     )                      / /         \` \__     \\
       //-------------------------------------------------------------\\

Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
                -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"

---

There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
reflexes.

---

For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.

---

Zero Defects, n.:
        The result of shutting down a production line.

---

"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."

---

Ehrman's Commentary:
        (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
        (2) Who said things would get better?

---

Help fight continental drift.

---

We have the flu.  I don't know if this particular strain has an
official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
Flu".  You may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish
you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
said "ELECTROCUTION".

Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing
process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
floor, which is how the police would find you.

You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
                -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"

---

"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
                -- Theodore H. White

---

                WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:

Firings will continue until morale improves.

---

Hardware, n.:
        The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

---

Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
                -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

---

                Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
(1)  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
     bomb; use the stairs.
(2)  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
     the ground.
(3)  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
(4)  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
     psychological problems.
(5)  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to
     recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
     potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
(6)  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
     will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
(7)  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
(8)  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
     staggering illegally.
(9)  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
     sanitary due to limited circulation.
(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
     D-Day.

---

If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z.  X is work.  Y
is play.  Z is keep your mouth shut.
                -- Albert Einstein

---

Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
        "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

---

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
        You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You
        are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are
        not very nice.

---

"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs."
                -- Robert Firth

---

Parker's Law:
        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

---

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.

---

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
                -- Friedrich Nietzsche

---

I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!

---

Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.

---

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

---

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
                -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo

---

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
hole in his head.

---

"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving."
                -- Steven Wright

---

The Abrams' Principle:
        The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.

---

Review Questions

(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
    and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
    he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the
    Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?

(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
    twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
    every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off
    his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week?

(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
    the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
    pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
    Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?

---

Some primal termite knocked on wood.
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today.
                -- Ogden Nash

---

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
                -- Noelie Alito

---

Paul's Law:
        You can't fall off the floor.

---

It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
                -- Marty Winch

---

You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll
be dead.

---

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.

---

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
                -- Shirley Temple

---

Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
use the editorial "we."

---

Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.

---

Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.

---

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
                -- D. J. Hicks

---

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
                -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

---

                Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:

(1) None.  (Moses didn't have an ark).
(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
(3) I don't know.
(4) Who cares?
(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
    Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
    book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
    bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
    Papyrus Books).

---

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.  It's about Russia.
                -- Woody Allen

---

Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
        From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs
damage my videotapes?"

---

The Roman Rule
        The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
        one who is doing it.

---

Power corrupts.  Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
                -- Vint Cerf

---

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

---

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
four and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
the answers.

---

Politician, n.:
        From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).  Hence
"polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
                -- Martin Pitt

---

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.

---

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
praise of intelligence.
                -- Bertrand Russell

---

Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.

---

"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"

---

A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
                -- Prof. Steiner

---

f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.

---

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

---

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
                -- William James

---

         A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
                          by Mark Twain

        For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
        Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
        Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

---

"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".

---

        SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.

(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
    legs for a horse.
(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.

Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:

        Intimidation
        Gesticulation (handwaving)
        "Try it; it works"
        Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
        Blatant assertion
        Changing all the 2's to n's
        Mutual consent
        Lack of a counterexample, and
        "It stands to reason"

---

Polymer physicists are into chains.

---

This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.

---

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
                -- Richard Feynman

---

Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has
a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
What's the first question that the computer community asks?

"Is it PC compatible?"

---

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
                -- Albert Einstein

---

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
                -- Peggy Joyce

---

Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?

---

An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.

---

A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
        She found a good way
        To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.

---

Please ignore previous fortune.

---

"Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed."
                -- Neil Armstrong

---

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
doing the thinking.
                -- Lyndon Baines Johnson

---

F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!

---

You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.

---

"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."

---

Oregon, n.:
    Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
    night.

---

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

---

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

---

                Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
                  Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.

(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
    ants.
(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
(6) People ignore you at parties.
(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.

---

Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.

---

The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.

---

If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.

---

Your fault: core dumped

---

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
        You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are
        pushy.  Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike
        honest criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people
        are thieves.

---

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

---

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

---

A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.

---

"The best argument against democracy is a five minute
conversation with the average voter."
    -- Winston Churchill

---

In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.

---

For perfect happiness, remember two things:
        (1) Be content with what you've got.
        (2) Be sure you've got plenty.

---

Rules:
    (1)  The boss is always right.
    (2)  When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.

---

O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
    Murphy was an optimist.

---

Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
then she isn't good enough for you.

---

Q:  How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
    or an airline stewardess?
A:  A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."  A schoolteacher says:
    "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it
    right."  An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your
    mouth and nose, and breathe normally."

---

"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
        -- Dave Barry

---

CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
    With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
    We'll be of the opposite sex.

Chorus:
    Clone, clone of my own,
    With the Y chromosome changed to X.
    And when we're alone,
    Since her mind is my own,
    She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
        -- Randall Garrett

---

There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

---

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
        -- Albert Einstein

---

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.

---

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

---

Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
have?

---

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
        -- William James

---

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

---

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
        -- Mark Twain

---

"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
our grave singing Halleluja ..."
        -- Monty Python

---

            DELETE A FORTUNE!

Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!  Wouldn't you like
to see some of them deleted from the system?  You can!  Just mail to
"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
gets expunged.

---

"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
        -- Steel City News

---

"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an
actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"

---

USER, n.:
    The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
        -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"

---

When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
and get you."
        -- Jerry Lewis

---

Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:  If the probability of success is not
almost one, it is damn near zero.
        -- David Ellis

---

Grandpa Charnock's Law:
    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

---

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
        -- Plato

---

Stult's Report:
        Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is
fight the solutions.

---

Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
    itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
    reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
    maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

---

All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.

---

The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.

---

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
        -- Frank Zappa

---

To be is to do.
        -- I. Kant
To do is to be.
        -- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
        -- F. Flintstone

---

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
he gave it to.
        -- Dorothy Parker

---

The Killer Ducks are coming!!!

---

People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
press than people who are just funny and smart.
        -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"

---

Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
    That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
    or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should
    have gotten.

---

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

---

Jenkinson's Law:
        It won't work.

---

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.

---

The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.

---

Lunatic Asylum, n.:
    The place where optimism most flourishes.

---

It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
        -- Robert Storm Petersen

---

A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.

---

There are many intelligent species in the universe.  They all own
cats.

---

Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.

---

All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.

---

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
    You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will
    achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
    ethics.  Most Scorpio people are murdered.

---

The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of the
center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South
Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South
End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.

---

Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.

---

"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
        -- Blair Houghton

---

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
        -- Weisert

---

I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
        -- Edgar Allan Poe

---

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

---

Rules for driving in New York:
    (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
    (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
        on.
    (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
        intersection.

---

"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."

---

Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
on a rock.
                -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981

---

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
        --Hector Berlioz

---

You might have mail.

---

A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea.
        -- John Ciardi

---

They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!

---

Spelling is a lossed art.

---

"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"

---

I have a simple philosophy:

    Fill what's empty.
    Empty what's full.
    Scratch where it itches.
        -- A. R. Longworth

---

Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)

---

Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?

---

"He's not pining, he's passed on!  This parrot won't squawk!  He's
ceased to be!  He's expired, and gone to meet his maker!  It's a
stiff!  No breath of life, he may rest in peace!  If you hadn't nailed
him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies!  He's off the twig!
He's kicked the bucket!  He's curled up his tooties!  He's shuffled off
this mortal world!  He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
Choir Invincible!  HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT!  Vis-a-vi his metabolic
processes is head is lost.  All statements concerning this parrot is no
longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...

        THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!"

---

God is an atheist.

---

Q:  What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
A:  A rebel without a clue.

---

Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.

---

I am an atheist, thank God!

---

LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!

---

Virgin, n.:
    An ugly third grader.

---

Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
contrary.
        -- Tom Robbins

---

"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
apostles."

---

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!

---

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It
isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
                -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News

---

Flugg's Law:
        When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

---

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

---

Law of Selective Gravity:
    An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary:
    The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
    directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

---

Pardo's First Postulate:
    Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
    fattening.

Arnold's Addendum:
        Everything else causes cancer in rats.

---

Signals don't kill programs.  Programs kill programs.

---

Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
        -- Snoopy

---

Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.

---

Remember, drive defensively!  And of course, the best defense is a good
offense!

---

PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)

    Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
American Express card and a weapon.  The world is yours today, as
nobody else wants it.  Your mortgage will be foreclosed.  You will
probably get run over by a bus.

---

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
        -- Sinclair Lewis

---

Grabel's Law:
    2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.

---

Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.

---

"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
tuned."

---

"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
        -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"

---

All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
the government in less than a second.
        -- Jim Fiebig

---

Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.

---

UNIX Sex {
    look; find; talk; grep; touch; finger; find; flex; unzip; mount;
    workbone; fsck; yes; gasp; fsck; yes; eject; umount; makeclean; zip;
    split; done; exit }

---

"I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building."
        -- Charles Schulz

---

You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.

---

Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
        -- Ogden Nash

---

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

---

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
        -- D. J. Hicks

---

In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
stairs.

---

All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are
Socrates.
        -- Woody Allen

---

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
        -- George Burns

---

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
beach.

---

Do you have lysdexia?

---

If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?

---

Character Density, n.:
    The number of very weird people in the office.

---

Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
yours too."
        -- Dave Haynie

---

Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen to weather forecasts and economists?
        -- Kelvin Throop III

---

Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.

---

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.

---

"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
        -- English Professor, Providence College

---

Jone's Law:
    The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
    to blame it on.

---

If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?

---

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

---

Dare to be naive.
        -- R. Buckminster Fuller

---

"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country.  The
Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
and running the country ..."
        -- Robert J Woodhead

---

Mad, adj.:
    Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
        -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

---

Second Law of Business Meetings:
    If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
    will pick the wrong one.

Corollary:
    If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
    wrong, anyway.

---

"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."

---

"I don't believe in astrology.  But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
don't believe in astrology."
        -- James R. F. Quirk

---

It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater.  The clown
came out to inform the public.  They thought it was just a jest and
applauded.  He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.  So I
think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
wits, who believe that it is a joke.
        -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

---

I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

---

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

---

There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY.
There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS.   I'm very probably wrong.

---

"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
hands for masturbation."
        -- Lily Tomlin

---

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
        -- Frank Lloyd Wright

---

The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us
is right.

---

Katz' Law:
    Man and nations will act rationally when all other
    possibilities have been exhausted.

---

Naeser's Law:
    You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
    damnfoolproof.

---

Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, but only Buddha pays Dividends.

---

Binary, adj.:
    Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.

---

Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.

---

!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH

---

"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality
at any point."
        -- Friedrich Nietzsche

---

It's like deja vu all over again.
        -- Yogi Berra

---

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
    [Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.]

---

BOFH excuse #227:

Fatal error right in front of screen.

---

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

---

Democracy, n.:

    A government of the masses.  Authority derived through mass
meeting or any other form of direct expression.  Results in mobocracy.
Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
        -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
           since withdrawn.

---

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
we deserve.
        -- George Bernard Shaw

---

A tautology is a thing which is tautological.

---

Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with
none.

---

The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
        -- Werner Trobin

---

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

---

Putt's Law:
    Technology is dominated by two types of people:
        Those who understand what they do not manage.
        Those who manage what they do not understand.

---

186,282 miles per second:
It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!

---

THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM

If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue
without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are
contributors.  That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We
can't go on like this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money
for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.  Mail your fortunes right now to
"fortune".  Just type in your favorite pithy saying.  Do it now before
you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you contribute
30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or
more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....

---

Q:  What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
    is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A:  A deep C diva.

---

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.

---

When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
loop?

---

Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
    itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
    reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
    maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

---

NEWS FLASH!!
    Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
    German pole-vault champion.

---

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
away".
        -- Philip K. Dick

---

If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
        -- Roy Santoro

---

Q:  How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around
    him.

---

Happiness, n.:
    An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
    another.
        -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

---

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
        -- E. Rutherford

---

EOF