[Just for Fun] Hotline Anonymous

Today I found a thread about Anon getting a job as a phone sex operator in Equestria. The following were my contributions.

"Hello and thank you for calling. My name is Anonymous. How may I-"
>Look over at a list pasted on the side of your cubicle and sigh.
"Full-filly your fun-tasy today?"
>"Hi Anon! It's Pinkie Pie!"
"Pinkie, you know this is anonymous, right?"
>"Of course I do! You told me you name already, silly."
"No Pinkie, I mean the service. The service is anonymous."
>"Whatever you say, Nonny."
>Sigh.
>"Well, what can I do for you?"
>"Can you make me a cake?"
"Pinkie, this is a sex line, not a delivery service. And aren't you the baker here?"
>"No silly. I mean make me into a cake." Her voice turns sultry. "And bake me as fast as you can."
>You hear wet noises from the other side of the line.
"I ugh... Okay... I set you into the oven, I guess?"
>"No, no, no. You have to mix the ingredients first."
"Umm, okay... I get out a bowl and pour some flour, eggs, and-"
>"Oh yeah, Nonny! Crack my eggs!" she pants.
"And then I... start whisking?"
>"Mmm, yeah! Stir me up good!"
"Then I stick you in the oven..."
>"Unf, I hope you preheated it first." she moans, echoed by slick sounds.
"Sure."
>"Ooh, then what Anon?"
"Then I... wait 20 minutes?"
>"Mm, yeah. That's the best part." her voice quivers.
"And then when you're done I... frost you?"
>"Yessss Anon, yessssssssssss!"
>You hear what sounds like a small explosion and a few party noisemakers go off.
>"Thanks Anon, byee~!"
>The line goes quiet.
"The fuck just happened?"
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>Phone rings.
"Hello this is... Anonymous Pleasure. How may I service you today?"
>"..."
"Hello?"
>No response.
>About to hang up when you hear something quiet on the other end of the line.
>"I-It's my fir..."
>Strain to hear what she has to say.
"I'm sorry, Miss, but you'll have to speak up."
>"I said it's my first time calling..."
"That's okay, Miss. I'll be gentle and we can start off slow."
>Hear a relieved sigh. "Okay. That sounds good."
"So... what are you wearing?"
>Momentary silence. "Umm... Nothing...?"
"Oh right, ponies. I forgot."
>"I could go get my mailbag if you want?"
"No, no. That's alright. Umm... what is it you're into?"
>"Well, I like... kissing... and hugging."
"Sure. I scoop you up and give you a big hug and a kiss on the cheek."
>"Ooh, kiss me on the lips next."
"I adjust you in my arms, stroke your cheek and passionately kiss you on the lips."
>"And... and tell me that- Tell me that you like me."
"After pulling back from the kiss, I lean down and say 'You know, I'm quite fond of you, Miss...' ugh..."
>"Ditzy!"
"Miss Ditzy."
>"Actually, tell me that you love me."
"I love you, Ditzy."
>"And hold me tight."
"I snuggle you close."
>"And call me pretty..."
"You're beau-"
>"Even though 'No one'll ever love a freak with messed-up eyes...'"
>There's muted sobbing.
"You're absolutely gorgeous, Ditzy."
>She sniffles. "Thanks Anon."
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>Day 3
>Phone rings.
"Hello, you've reached Anonymous Pleasure. What can I do for you?"
>"GOOD EVENING, HUMAN! I WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS THE COPULATIVE ENCOUNTERS PLEASE."
"I'm sorry, what?"
>"YOU KNOW, SEX-MAKING."
"Uhh... right... of course. Could I start by asking that you lower your voice please?"
>"YOU DO NOT MAKE DEMANDS OF YOUR PRIN- ahem... Right, of course... Excuse us."
"Us? Is this a three-way?"
>"UHH, NO, I UHH- There is only I- Only me, that is."
>You hear a nervous laugh.
"Okay... What do you want to talk abou-"
>"HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU WENT TO SCHOOL NAKED?"
"When I wha-"
>"OR WHEN ALL YOUR TEETH FELL OUT?"
"What are you talking about?! I still have all my-"
>"OR WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU WERE TRAPPED ON THAT SPACE STATION WHEN ZOMBIES WERE ATTACKING?"
>There's a long silence.
"Princess Luna, have you been watching me in my dreams?"
>"..."
"..."
>"I m... ..ve."
"What was that?"
>"THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME REACH SEXUAL CLIMAX. GOOD NIGHT."
>The phone goes dead and another one starts ringing.
>Or maybe that's just the tinnitus...
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>Day 4
>Phone rings.
"Hello, this is Anonymous Pleasure. How may I satisfy your needs today?"
>"Hahaha! What a dweeby voice you have!"
>Oh great...
"Well then, let's just get to it then, shall we?"
>"Hmm, I don't know if I can get off to NERDS!"
>More laughing.
"I'm sorry, Miss. If I'm not going to be satisfactory, perhaps I could transfer you to another operator?"
>"NO!" -ahem- "I- I mean... I'm always up for a challenge..."
"Right... So what's your fetish?"
>"Woah, woah! Slow down there, dingus. H-How about some romance first?"
"Okay... So I'll come over with some flowers and a box of-"
>"Sardines!"
"Sure. And we can go out-"
>"No, no. Let's stay inside."
"Alright, fine. We can light some candles and-"
>"And curl up on the windowsill when the sun hits it just right." she moans softly.
"Uhh... okay..."
>"And after dinner we can get physical."
"Alright. I'll start unbuttoning-"
>"I'll give you a laser pointer and you can shine it anywhere you want."
"Ooh yeah, I- Wait, what?"
>"And I'll chase it and chase it." Her voice jumps up a pitch.
"Uhh..."
>"And... and then I'll curl up in your lap and you can scratch behind my ears."
"Sure... I'll scratch all you want."
>There's some heavy breathing and then a tense, shrill gasp.
>After a few moments you hear what you think might be... purring?
>Anon, that was amaz- I mean... I guess that was worth it."
"Right... Have a nice night, Miss."
>"Later. Dweeb..."
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>Day 5
>Phone rings.
"Hello this is Anonymous Pleasure. What dreams can I wet for you today?"
>"Darling, that's not a very appealing first line."
"I know, Miss. I don't write this stuff."
>"Well, no matter. Let's just get started, yes?"
"Sure. Umm... where do you want to start?"
>"Why not start with the cliche, hmm? Tell me what you're wearing, Darling."
"Okay. I've got nothing on other than a barely-adequate banana hammock and I've got myself all nice and oiled up for you."
>"No, no, dear. That'll never do. Tell me what you're actually wearing."
"What? You mean right now?"
>"Yes dear. Do go on."
"O...kay... I'm just wearing a T-shirt and some jeans."
>"Ugh, how dreadful," she whines. "Tell me about the shirt"
"It's uhh... blue?"
>You hear wet sounds.
>"Any design?"
"Just some text."
>The mare pants. "What does it say?"
"Hold I, I have to check... 'How do you keep an idiot distracted? See other side.'"
>She moans again. "What does the other side say?"
"The same thing..."
>"Simply horrendous." Her breathing becomes shallower. "Anything else?"
"It doesn't say any-"
>"Are you -wearing- anything else?"
"Well, I've got my shoes on..."
>"Tell me! Tell me about them!"
"They're uhh... They're sandals?"
>She squeals and whinnies harshly at the other end on the line.
>"Oh Anon, that was the greatest fashion faux pas I've ever heard. Thank you, Darling."
>She hangs up.
"Yeah..."
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>Day 6
>Phone rings.
"Hello, this is Anonymous Pleasure where-"
>Flip through today's notes.
>Oh god...
"if you have a plump rump, I'm good to pump."
>Your soul...
>"Umm, yes. Right, then. I hear that this is the place mares call when they want to be umm... 'serviced?'"
"That's right, Miss. How can I help you this evening?"
>"Well, I'd really love it if you'd sing to me."
>It's not the worst thing you've been asked to do.
"Sure, I can do that. What would you like? The Ponytones? Some Hay Fever?"
>"I'd like some Buck please."
"Buck? You mean Johann Buck? Like... classical music?"
>"Yes please."
"Uhh... sure. One moment."
>Walk over to the ponygraph (fuck the puns in this place) and find a Buck record.
>Set the needle down and place your receiver down next to it.
>Moments later, hear the faint sounds of ecstasy from the nearby phone.
'Fucking ponies..."
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>Day 7
>Phone rings.
>And rings.
>And rings.
>Please Celestia, let this be the day you die.
"Good evening, this is Anonymous Pleasure. I'm Anon, the steed that needs to feed you my seed.
>God damnit...
>"Yes, hi?" a slightly deep, yet dulcet feminine voice carries itself across the wire.
>Sounds like an older mare. Maybe today will be a good day after all.
"Yes Miss. What can I do for you this evening?"
>"Well, I... I umm... I have this role play idea I'd like to act out, if that's okay."
"Of course, ma'am. I'm quite adept at role play. What did you have in mind?"
>There's a short pause as the mare takes a deep breath. "It's a bit embarrassing..."
"Go on, Miss. Everything here is strictly between us."
>"Well, if you say so. I'd like it if I could pretend to be your tutor."
>You smirk. Kinky.
"Alright Miss, I think I see where you're going with this. How old should I be?"
>"Oh! Umm... a young colt, please."
"A young colt? But what could a colt possibly need a tutor for?"
>"Oh, you're right! This is so silly. I'll just figure something else out."
>Your boss' cash sense goes off and he glares at you from across the office.
"No, no! It's fine. I'm sorry. It's your fantasy, Miss...?"
>"Cheeri- err... Happy...bruce?"
>You barely manage to stifle your giggle before you switch pitch and begin.
"So Miss Happybruce, what are you going to teach me today?"
>"Well, little Anon, I thought we could start with a little pop quiz concerning what we learned last time."
"Okay, Miss Bruce, but I might not remember..."
>"That's okay, Anon. Just do your best. Do you remember what apple plus apple is?"
"Uhh... two apples?"
>There's a faint clap from the other end of the phone. "That's good, Anon."
>She follows with a light moan. "Very~ good."
"Heh... thanks..."
>"Now how about the name of the forest outside Ponyville?"
"It's the Eva... Ever..."
>You purposefully stumble, leading your partner on for a moment.
>Her lewd sopping quiets for a bit as she hangs on your next word.
"The Everfree, right?"
>"Ooooh, yessssssss! That's so good, Anon! You're so smart!"
"Hah... yay..."
>Her breathing is heavy and labored. She's close.
>"Oh Anon! Did you practice your colo-coloring while I was a-away?"
"I uhh... I sure did Miss Bruce. Here, let me show you."
>"Oh Celestia, the colors! And you stayed in the linessssssss!"
>Her whinnies of climax cause you to pull your headset away as you her tidal wave to ebb.
>A handful of seconds later, she's regained enough of her composure to speak again.
>"Oh, thank you Anon. That was... just wonderful."
>You smile and crack your penis knuckles.
"Anything for a hard-working teacher-mare."
>"I'll call back on Friday."
"Have a nice day, ma'am."