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- Obligatory this didn’t actually happen today. This happened my senior year of high school and it’s taken a decade for me to feel brave enough to tell anyone. First off, it’s important to note I live in a rural area in the midwestern states. Lots of farms and woods, not much else. Second relevant fact is I have IBS stomach issues that flair up whenever I get nervous. So on this particular day I was driving to pick up a young lady to go on our first date. This was not any first date, we were going to go to prom together. I was pretty into this girl so saying I was nervous is an understatement. When people say they are so nervous that their stomach is turning, that was literally me. My bowels we’re ready to blow! Problem though, I didn’t want to show up at the girl’s house and rush in to wreck the toilet, but there also weren’t any gas stations or anything to stop at on the drive. So my stupid teenage mind comes up with a simple yet elegant solution. Pull over and take a dump in the woods. I didn’t think that through. When I stopped I realized I didn’t have any toilet paper so I grabbed a t-shirt my buddy had left in my backseat (didn’t tell him what happened until years later) and headed into the woods. I did what I went to do, left the defiled shirt in the woods and headed back to the car. Surprisingly, the night went great! Had a wonderful time, bunch of memories, all that stuff. The real fun though kicked in a day or two later. I’d just hopped out of the shower and felt a bump on the underside of my scrotum. Upon closer inspection I found there’s a tick secularly latched and enjoying life. I freak. I tried removing it but that sucker was dug in tight. My first reaction is to tell my folks, but if my siblings found out I’d never live that down. I thought about driving to the ER but I didn’t have my own insurance so I finally disclose it all to my Pops. He handled it like a pro (though I’m sure he and mom had a laugh later) and took me to the E.R. I got it removed and don’t seem any worse for it.
- Oh and the girl from prom, she’s my wife of 5 years now. And she is never to know this.
- TL:DR I dropped my pants in the woods, got a dick tick and ended up in the ER to get it removed.
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