TIFU by chopping up 750k SHU chillies and touching myself. Subtitle: Wash Your Damn Hands - (but not why you think).

WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS.(but not why you think).

So my wife got some chillies from a neighbour yesterday. Neighbour said, "Be careful, they're super hot," a sentiment that she dutifully passed along to me.

The thing is, everyone says that about their chillies. Back-yarders, restaurants, everyone. All of them weaklings and braggarts, undeserving of the true beauty that is capsaicin appreciation.

Wife made beef fajitas for dinner last night - the perfect opportunity to try them. I chopped one of the little red homegrowns up and tried a bit. Far out, they actually have a bit of kick. Finally, someone who isn't completely full of shit about their produce. Could have some promise. Stoked.

Loaded up my fajitas with the innocuous looking little capsicum and hooked into dinner while we watched the first Harry Potter film for the nineteen-thousandth time. Flavour is good, not brilliant, but good, and it turns out they're hot as all get-out - a slow build but one that just keeps on rising and doesn't stop for a long, long time. (More on this shortly).I was sweating and drooling during dinner just like I like it. Harry and his wizard mates saved the day, obviously.

That's when I had the bright idea to thank my spicy food-hating wife for dinner by cleaning up the kitchen and and giving her a big, wet, chilli-covered kiss on the lips. Didn't go down well. Was hilarious.

SCENE: A couple of hours later. Getting ready for bed.

Brush teeth. Say prayers (yeah right). Get my gear off. Adjust the package and climb into bed.

.......

Wait... Play that last part back again. Before I jumped into bed next to my still-not-happy better half, but after the nuding up bit. Should I have done that? And what's that tingling sensation?

Did I wash my hands after chopping up the chilli? I don't remember doing it. And if I don't remember doing it, much like taking out the bins or remembering to get something out of the freezer for dinner, it's a dead certainty I didn't do it and I'm about to be in trouble as a result. Maybe I just got a little bit of it on me. After all, it's only a bit hot, but the heat is rising slowly and it's not stopping...

Oh god, no!

<getting much worse. actual junk feels like it's on fire and getting hotter>

Run to sink to discreetly wash knob. Have to wash my hands thoroughly first though. Obviously it's still on my hands. Smart.

Cold water feels like heaven. Until it doesn't. It's still getting worse. Getting hotter. The spice lords are not looking upon me favourably.

Can't talk to wife about it after the kitchen thank you kiss incident of 2020. Zero chance of sympathy there.

Fuck. Should I call my mum? Considered it. Fuck. Can't do that. I'm 41 years old, for goodness sake.

<run to wife to admit what I've done>

Wife through tears of laughter, "Get in the shower, you idiot!"

Can't decide whether hot water or cold water or no water is better. Considering cutting knob off and being done with it. Five minutes pass in the shower of varying temperatures. Admit to myself, aloud, that I now live like this. Accept that I will forever have HDS (hot dong syndrome) and a perennially entertained spouse. Wife now convulsing at the funniest, most deserved punishment I've ever been dealt.

Lay on bed despairing with knob in the air, and wife now borderline throwing up from laughter. Starts to ease slightly Things might eventually get better... maybe?

10mins later I can talk in whole sentences again. Tell wife she can laugh more at me tomorrow but to give it a rest now. She just laughs more.

I'm such a fucking idiot.

Wash your hands.

Addendum: Turns out the chillies are Oz Brainkiller 2

TL;DR Our neighbour gave us 750,000 SHU chillies and I put them on my knob.

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