SA-8: Lamentations

>Day adventure time not on Equestria.
>You read that right, you are not on Equestria right now.
>Rainbow Dashicorn decided that the best way to learn how to fly was to do it on the other side of the galaxy.
>How did the heck did you guys get all that way?
>Her own words: “I got bored of being slow so I made this kind of magic source that allows me and probably others to go faster than anything.”
>That’s right Rainbow Dash made the Speed Force in this universe because she was bored.
>It’s legit.
>So here you are on a planet that’s getting ready to explode.
>The air is sizzling and the ground is moments away from becoming molten lava.
>The seas are nearly boiled away and you’re pretty sure the moon is about to crash into the planet.
>Kind of cool really.
“So why this place?”
>Rainbow is wearing a drill sergeant outfit.
>”Did I ask you to speak Anon?”
“Fine then, Apple p0ny why are we here?”
>Applejack applesmacks her lips.
>”It’s a decent place to practice flying. After it blows up I just put it back together.”
>Dang, both of these p0nies are crazy powerful.
>Rainbow’s wing whacks your butt.
>”Hey, you want to learn how to fly you got to go through pegasus boot camp!”
“Ponies don’t wear boots.”
>Rainbow is immediately in your face.
>”Did I say you can talk private?”
>Ya you wanted nothing to do with the military back home and it hasn’t changed.

>You raise an eyebrow at commando Rainbow.
>”The best way to learn how to fly is allow instincts to take hold.”
>She’s about to push you off the cliff isn’t she?
>She pushes you off the cliff.
>SON OF A B—
>”Now start fapping, I mean flapping!”
>Well the ground is coming up fast and it is getting hotter.
>You try to flap all six of your wings, but all you get is a tangled mess.
>Could always try to glide.
>It kind of works, but it is more like a nose dive.
>You crash into the ground.
>Planet blows up.
>Fission Failed.
>You find yourself on Rainbow’s back as AJ puts the planet back together.
“That was dumb.”
>”I liked the part when the moon crashed into you.”
“Which, of course, blew up as well. At least I know how Link feels.”
>She’s not doing a good job of hiding her amusement.
>”Whatever, so you don’t have any instincts about we’ll just have to figure this out another way. All those extra wings don’t really help you at all.”
>She mumbles something else. Think it was screwing at light speed or something going to take awhile.

>Applejack suddenly teleports in front of you two.
>Her ears are folded back and her back hair is standing on end.
>”I think yall want to see this.”
“Something ugly show up?”
>Just then a lovely set of jaws crunched down on the planet behind us.
>”Huh, that thing is pretty ugly. Think we can take it?”
>The monstrosity looked like Mantorok and a squid had a disgusting love child.
>More eyes then it needed, tentacles jutting out in every direction, and the maws were home to mountainous spears called teeth.
>Flesh that defied explanation.
>Damn, that thing is ugly.
“Can we just leave? It’s just eating.”
>”That thing could attack Equestria. We put it down now.”
>Before you get a word in edgewise Rainbow takes off with you still riding her.

>Out of all the p0nies you know, Rainbow Dash is the one that really likes it when you ride her.
>She just goes into warrior mode when she has a rider.
>Or she just likes to gyrate against your groin.
>You return back from your deep insightful thinking to notice that RD has already ripped through the monster several times now.
>You’re surrounded by tentacles and small worm monsters.
“This is my stop.”
>You leap off Rainbow as she cries out in shock.
>”Wait, what are you doing!?”
>One of the large worms roars at you.
>”I will not die, nor will my dream!!!”
>You’re pretty sure what it is saying to you.
>Your fist is blazing as you pull back.
“FALCON PUNC...aw.”
>The moment you get ten meters to the worm it was already ashes.
“Come on, I wanted to punch it.”
>In fact, there seems to be a death sphere around you that prevents anything from reaching you.
“Well that’s dull.”

>You look behind you and see that the behemoth is bearing down on you with jaws wide open.
“Oh...”
>You could try to Falcon Punch it, but you already wasted it on a failed attack.
>Quick, flap your wings to escape.
>You pointless wiggle in the vacuum of space.
>That’s right you can’t fly, not even in normal atmosphere.
>Welp, you’re boned.
“I’ll have you know I probably taste like a hot tamale!”
>Yup, it is still heading towards you.
“AJ, Rainbow, little help here!”
>AJ is currently wrangling all the annoying little pests.
>Don’t know where Dash is.
 “Guess I’m being served...”
>You put on a pair of sunglasses.
“With some hot wings.”
>A pink hoof slaps you behind the head and disappears.
>Ya, you deserved that.
>The stars disappear as the Old One closes its mouth around you.
>Pause for dramatic affect.

>The Beast sits there licking his lips.
>Then a sharp pain forces it to roar.
>It jerks and squirms as something deep in its core is consumed.
>Then a rainbow cone of energy bursts out of its chest.
>Rainbow Dash is carrying you in her forelegs with a bold face.
>Your robes are in sheds and you’re barely covered in the indecent areas.
>The monstrosity cries out for the last time as it crashes in the remains of the planet.
>Rainbow flies you both on top of a rocky bluff.
>She holds you closely as she stares on into the starry sky.
>Her mane and tail bellow in the wind and her powerful muscles lock in place.
>You are looking up to her a little loss for words.
>Rainbow then turns her gaze towards you.
>Rosie eyes paint your vision as she slowly closes the gap between you.
>Wait a minute.
>I’m scantily clad in shredded garments and the muscle bound hero is holding me securely over an alien landscape with an alien monster slain behind us.
“You set this up.”
>Rainbow blinks like an owl.
>”W-what? No, that’s ridiculous.”
“You’re telling me that you brought me all the way out here in a random location and we somehow came upon a giant monster so I could be saved.”
>”Aliens are dangerous out here, it’s not so farfetched.”
>Her nervious laughter just makes you squint harder.
“Rainbow, space is big. Like really big. Do you even understand how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is? Even there is no way that huge creature could have found us, little tiny specks, in this Universe.”

>Rainbow at this point is sweating up a storm.
>”You got it all wrong. I’m just saved you from a distressing situation and you supposed to fawn over me and we make out.”
“You’ve been reading way too many comic books.”
>”Give it up Rainbow, he’s got you figured out.”
>Applejack flies up next to you and flicks her hat up.
>”And now you owe me ten bits.”
>Rainbow’s mouth is twitching and then she promptly drops you.
>She sits on her haunches as she fails her forelegs in the air.
>”This was perfect! Was it not awesome enough!?”
“You overplayed your part.”
>Applejack chuckles as she looks over at the monster.
>”Hey Bob, the plan fell through.”
>Bob picks itself up off the planet and stretches.
>You think he looks at you once and grunts before he floats away.
>You don’t even know.
>Rainbow on the other hand wails in disappointment and vanishes.
>Just you an Apple Princess now.
>Middle of nowhere.
>Alone.
“So are you my ride home?”
>”Guess I am. Would be a shame if something was to happen to your pretty flank.”
>She’s reading your mind again.
“Just take me home. This day had been a bust anyway. Still can’t fly.”

>”You’re lucky you got a schedule to keep. Otherwise this would have gone down differently.”
“I got a what now?”
>”Rarity wants to see you. Now hop on.”
>You shrug and jump on.
>The last shred of your ropes falls off.
>Great, now you’re riding bare back bare.
>You can’t see AJ’s face, but her wings are a little stiff.
“No funny stuff.”
>Great you have to ask Rarity for some clothes again.
>You cover up with your wings.
“Let’s just go.”
>”Relax sugarcube, I actually want to have a serious talk with you.”
>Last time this happened you were officially grafted into the Apple family by Granny Smith after what you did to the Flim Flam duo.
>Lawfully (by Apple Family standards), you are still technically engaged to this apple pony.
>Thankfully they can’t hold a shotgun so you just run whenever they come around.
>Obviously not the case anymore with the whole death by eye contact.
>Only one way to deal with this.
“I like pears.”
>”Ain’t worken’ this time.”
>A golden apple is tossed into your hand.
>It isn’t burning up to ashes.
>You devour that sweet, delicious fruit.
>Applejack snickers as she takes off.
>”Glad you like it. Took me a while to figure out how to make that.”

>”Now listen, Ah know you’ve been going through a hard time, but I want a level answer from you. Why are you still resisting so many pretty mares?”
“You just answered your question. You are mares.
>You turn to look at a passing supernova.
>”And just what does that have to do with anything?”
“Do I really have to spell it out for you? I’m a human and you are all ponies, we don’t mix like that.”
>”See there is a problem with that mindset.”
>You cross your arms and roll your eyes.
>“You ain’t a human.”
>…
>”And another thing, why do you still sleep. I know you don’t need to so why keep up that habit?”
>How dare she?
>HOW DARE SHE!?
>You answer her with a gutter growl.
“AJ for your own sake shut the hell up.”
>Her head snaps back towards you with a surprised look.
>”What the blaze is rustling your jimmies?”
“My jimmies are not of your concern just drop me off at Rarity’s place.”
>Apple horse snorts and her horn glows.
>”This ain’t over.”
>A flash of light blinds you.

>You look around, you’re back home again.
>A door is in front of you. It is outlined with diamonds, crystals, and opals.
>She really likes to show off her bedazzle style.
>You would rather not see her, but you have no clothes now.
>You quietly open the door and step through.
>The room is a study, bookcases on the sides and a mahogany desk taking center place.
>Mahogany
>Mahogany…
>Anyway, a crystal rose is the sole decoration on the desk.
>It’s a nice room.
>”Do you like it?”
>And there is the white princess.
>”I designed it to best suit your needs.”
“I don’t see myself using it.”
>You can now see Rarity. She pretty much looks like a supped up crystal pony.
“By the way, Rainbow shredded my clothes in an attempt to pull a fast one on me.”
>Rarity seems to ignore you as she picks up the crystal rose with her magic and studies it.
>”I also heard you yelled at Applejack.”
“That was like literally only a few seconds ago, and I don’t have anything else to say about it.”
>”Applejack might be a bit rough around the edges, but she means no ill will Anon. Now tell me…”
>The crystal rose in her hooves starts to glow dimly.
>”Why are you so upset?”
>You still feel resentful, but maybe a rant is what you need to do.
“I didn’t ask for this. My identity was hard enough to hold on to as it was before all of this. The only freaken human in a world created for a six year old girl, but you know what I can live with that. I can adapt and still thrive. I was perfectly fine being friends with all of you.”

>You are pacing the room now making exaggerated movements.
“Didn’t help that all of you wanted a piece of me, and I’ll be honest with you; I probably would have relented eventually and started dating a p0ny (or something else). Loneliness is a horrible companion. Then this happened.”
>You present yourself with a simple gesture.
“My humanity was taken from me. I literally have nothing left. I sleep because it helps me remain human. I eat so I can keep some sort of veil of normalcy in my life. I refuse your advances because as soon as that happens I will lose everything. I don’t think I could stay sane.”
>You slam your hands on the desk and stare at Rarity.
“Why me?”
>Rarity hasn’t moved or shifted her gaze from you.
>Why is she playing with that fancy rose?
>”Darling, you are tired.”
>Her horn glows a little brighter and something appears on you.
>A suit. A very nice suit that isn’t burning up.
>It even helps support your wings.
>Rarity then magics the crystal flower into your front pocket.
>”I understand your frustrations; we only want what is best for you. Go on and get some sleep.”
>You look over your suit once more before nodding.
“Thanks.”

>You are Rarity for a short time.
>Anon leaves the room to return home.
>He pretty much confirmed everything you already knew.
>Such a stubborn will to hold on to an obstructive mindset.
>But it works.
>Everything works.
>You now have the right magic conduits to fix Anon.
>Just remove the hindrances.
>Clip his wings if you will.

>You are Anon again.
>And this suit is really nice.
>You walk through and around the maze like stairwells to your room.
>Wonder why Rarity gave you that rose, heck you wonder why you even ranted to her.
>It felt good, but why to her of all p0nies?
>Now that you think about it, there is several crystal formations sprinkled around your house.
>Rarity has probably been spying on you.
“I’ll fix that in the morning.”
>You reach your room and open the door.
>An ominous purple black fog greats you.
> [spoiler]”Crystals.”[/spoiler]