Someone told me that cats are always crying and that babies always land on their feet if you drop them from a height.



I was sure that it was the other way around, but to my amazement, my baby actually landed on his feet..



..and his legs smashed through his skull.

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My friend was telling me how he'd learnt to suck his own penis.



I told him not to blow his own horn.

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I got hit in the face during a jelly fight at my kid's birthday party.



I threw a wobbly.

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I shot my girlfriend 14 times in the face earlier. Blood everywhere.



Bitch misunderstood when I said, "If you touch my dick, I'll shoot my load."

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Just put some fuel in the tank.



The House of Commons is fucked when I get the cannons to work.

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