Ascalon's Note

it's.... Confusing. You raising me as an undead without thinking of how I'd react, it didn't... It didn't feel too nice at first. But then I remembered you're an Oscuri, so this could have been considered a gift and all and well.... I guess thank you?

I still don't really understand how feelings or emotions work, and I guess you could say I got that from my dad. I understand how you and Zethra felt when i wanted to fight Asbel, and how you felt when I lost my leg now. When you lost your eye I felt this super sad. If you were to die and leave me here after asking Arthur to bring me back, I'd probably go follow you into the grave.

I also felt I should say this next part on paper, because I'll never say it in person. That time you picked me up when I only had one leg felt... I don't really know how to describe it. Again, not really understanding the whole emotion thing. Like... it's like that adrenaline feeling you get when you're having a fun fight or something, but mixed with an embarassing feeling. I feel it whenever you grab me, and I don't know how to deal with it, so I run away. Maybe you know?

If you're reading this I either one last time, accidently left it somewhere, or I don't know. This was supposed to be a "I'm dying" good bye letter.

~Lirien Zanders.
P.S. If you do know, I'm sorry I didn't give you the chance to tell me.
Okay so about the suicidal thoughts.... I did have them. From the moment you told me I had died, they started.

Every time I had to argue with you or Zethra, they got worse.

Every time I had to dela with you two screaming at me, it got worse.

When you made me realize my mom wasn't that much better then Aldrah, it got worse.

Every single time it just....Got worse. At some point, I didn't even want to use the lighthouse, I just wanted to....Vanish. A little bit of that desire is still there now. A lot of it actually, but I'm holding it back the best I can. When I was talking to this fairy, they said something about the will to live and for some reason, it stayed in my head. When I sparred with Freya not too long ago, it felt nice. So then I thought..."You know I failed so much but I知 still trying, and I知 going to succeed as long as I do."


When you did it I just like.... You know how you called the feeling love? Well... it acts up for me. I don't know if it acts up for you too, but it does for me. When Zethra sat in your lap it made me uncomfortable, but I was too...It'd be embarassing to say anything about it.

Remember that day I died when you were teasing me? I...It wasn't a bad thing. I just run away 'cause it's embarassing, even if no one is around.

I understand if you...That's a lie. The feeling is really, really strong.



I uhm... Understand you really want to do dating things with me, and you want to make it happen really fast but... I don't feel comfortable. Not that I don't wanna do it with you, but.... WIth my body being how it is. Every time you give me a kiss I kind of get scared. Arthur's magic doesn't stop rot, it just lets me regenerate faster than it can appear.

What if, one day, you give me a kiss and... I don't want to say the rest. You get it right? I mean yeah even if that didn't have a chance of happening, I'd be embarassed 'cause I just am really shy 'bout it, but the thought still scares me.

And while we're here I wanted to know...

Did the fire magic help?

Do I feel more...warm when you touch me? More alive?

I know one day if I get a Spireshard that Arthur could fix all of this, but until then? I'm scared. I hide it a lot behind smiles and the way I act, but I'm scared.