Contemplative Melancholy

Now outside, Matt sat on the swing set. Grabbing the pack of Marlboros from his pocket, he packed it, opened it, and took one of the cigarettes. Putting it in his mouth, he took out a lighter from one of his pockets and lit the cigarette.

Putting the lighter back in his pocket, Matt took a drag off the cigarette, inhaled it, and kept it in for a while before finally exhaling it.

As he smoked the cigarette while seated on the swing, he stared on out into the darkness of the nighttime sky. A handful of stars shone in the ebony sky, giving fleeting traces of light amidst the enveloping blackness.

Matt began to think.

“Here I am, staring at the horizon. My girlfriend dumped me for my best friend, pretty much everything I know has been turned topsy-turvy except for my friendship with Jason, and I’m here.........just here.

(Matt takes a long drag and inhales).

“My girlfriend and I, we had some great times together. We seemingly had it all, yet she wasn’t happy.”

(Matt exhales)

“And instead of bothering to tell me what she was feeling, she decided to take the easy way out and make out with whatever other guy came her way, which just so happened to be Connor—the guy I had been friends with since kindergarten—the guy who’d been with me through thick and thin—that guy—then goes ahead and stabs me in the back by making out with my girlfriend!”

(Matt took a hit off the cigarette).

“And then he has the gall to try and play up his friendship with me to try and make me look like the hysterical one when he became the biggest jackass at that moment! Clearly, I should have ditched him a long time ago, but I didn’t, and that’s my fault!”

(He exhales. Not much of the cigarette is left by this point).

“What’s the point of all this? Is there some kinda really messed up situation going on elsewhere? After all, these past couple of hours have been nothing more than various fiascos all gathered into a short span of time, so why am I even bothering—why am I even thinking about these kinds of things? And yet, I have a feeling that it’d probably be even worse if I didn’t think of these things.....”

(He takes one last drag off the cigarette).

“At least it could always be worse. I still have Jason as a friend and I’m still here, but this man—this man—needs something else. I’m already dazed and confused as it is, so if ever there was a time for me to experiment, this’d be it.”

(He exhales. Grabbing another cigarette from the pack, he takes the small burning stub left from the cigarette still in his mouth and uses it to light the second cigarette. Stomping out the previous cigarette, which he throws over the porch railing for it to land on the grass, he takes another long drag).

“I do feel quite a bit better now. The pain of betrayal and loss still stings, but all things considered, things aren’t as bad as they could have otherwise been, so I’d consider that a small victory.”

(Matt exhales. He keeps on smoking the cigarette while staring out at the horizon for a good while longer).

“I guess indifference is as good an attribute to have now as any other, ‘cause if there’s one thing that this day has taught me, it’s that everything can change in a flash. Just last night, everything seemed fine. Now, everything’s been turned upside down, to the point that a random barista I met proved to be nicer than my supposed ‘best friend’ and ‘girlfriend’. That’s the saddest thing about betrayal though—it never comes from your enemies, but instead, from those you’re close to—and that frankly drives me mad. Not in the sense of mad as crazy, but in the sense of mad as filled with fury, since I am absolutely furious that the people I cared for and trusted wound up being a bunch of traitorous, backstabbing pieces of shit.”

“Trust is hard to gain and easy to lose. I learned that lesson well today, since I lost trust in my best friend and girlfriend, and it will be very hard for them to ever regain that trust. That barista, on the other hand, did a ton of effort and so gained my trust, and obviously my trust in Jason has just been reinforced due to this whole situation, where he’s really stepped up his game and treated me incredibly well when my other ‘friends’ backstabbed and deserted me.”

(By this point, little remains of the cigarette. Matt takes a couple more hits off the cigarette and then stomps it out. He then once more flings the cigarette butt over the porch railing, where it lands on the grass).

“Man, I really needed those smokes. That, and the contemplation have really helped me feel better. I should start to head back inside though. Jason mentioned that he’d check up on me if more time than he expected passed, so I ought to head in.”

(Matt gets up from the swing. He walks to the front door, twists the doorknob, and opens the door. He then heads back into the house and closes the door).