This is going to be the umpteenth pastebin to say this, but I'm very happy and appreciative of all the support that came out for my pal Trogdor last weekend! SGDQ is soon, I've been looking forward to it a lot. Hanging with friends I haven't seen in a year is definitely something I am counting the days for :)



Going to write about something a bit more personal than usual for me that I've been dealing with lately for anyone interested: around the beginning of April I had a really bad episode of what I think was a panic attack (not sure tbh - I've never considered myself very anxiety-prone so this is all new to me) that left me feeling like my brain had broken and on the verge of having a heart attack. It came with an intense rush of derealization that took several days to go away which isn't something I'd experienced before and was genuinely one of the most terrifying experiences I've had in memory - I won't go into great detail, but it was extremely upsetting and not something I ever want to revisit. I've been slowly feeling more normal and grounded in the past few weeks with the sensation coming and going  periodically (but the overall trend being that it's diminishing) but I'm of a mind now where I'd like to just put this behind me and embrace whatever allows me to do that. I'm mainly posting this because I have a habit of withdrawing from my friends and social network when I'm going through personal troubles, as I generally don't like to bother others with my baggage and don't feel comfortable cold calling friends with my troubles (I'll admit I let the occasional basic af cryptic bummer tweet out), which is a habit I've been questioning more and more and worrying that this tendency has been sabotaging my friendships and relationships rather than safeguarding them. Missing my pals very much and looking extremely forward to seeing them at SGDQ in short time. I've been working on how to cut out most of the stress sources in my day to day (as much as I bitch about work, it's primarily home life tbh) and embrace things that make me feel better; this has been a process of self discovery. One thing I've decided is regardless of how I feel after SGDQ - back to my old self or slipping more into something manic - I'm going to take self care a lot more seriously and see a professional for guidance. Anyway, that's what's been going on with me the last while, if I've been withdrawn or weird, this is why, and tbh is generally the reason for that kind of behaviour from me in the last few years, and I'm recognizing the withdrawal as a habit I think needs to change. Bit anxious about posting this and the response, if any as I'm not usually this open with personal details @__@

I was going to write a lot more on this but this is already becoming an essay by pastebinmonday standards lmao. I'm looking more forward to moving back out than I can convey and having a meaningful level of agency over my life again - I would really truly like to give my stream a serious attempt when that happens as I miss that aspect of my life a lot. I'm hoping move will be by fall 2017 at latest. I've been reminiscing a lot about my old apartment - I had set up with a lawnchair and umbrella on the balcony where I'd hang out and read in the rain - it was maximum comfy and want something like that back. Also probably a cat. Work will be letting me WFH one day a week (ramped up to two a week after x amount of time, and maybe more after) which I'm very happy about - if I could get a slight reduction in hours things would be coming together super nicely. Also I liked streaming Cities: Skylines and think I'll do more of it, I think it's a pretty 'me' game so that could make for a cool stream staple (or just the general *Tycoon/Sim/Builder* genre), coupled in with some speedruns and w/e else. idk I have a lot of optimism right now thinking about the possibilities ahead of me!

Hope yall have a good day and week :)