Don't read this (really)

Sometimes, somebody post an idea for a story, and I know, instantly, that I must write it. Maybe it's too good to pass up, or too hot, or too interesting.

Sometimes, however, it's too weird. Too fucking weird for me to write, but, paradoxically, too weird for me not to write. This was one of those times.

Don't fucking read this. Seriously.

>You didn't belong in Equestria
>That much was obvious
>Not in a societal way
>The ponies were really awesome about that
>No, you didn't belong in that reality. You were a real-world character in a cartoon
>The world itself had no idea how the fuck to handle you
>Everything went all screwy whenever you were around
>That much was obvious from the minute you spawned in Equestria, right in the middle of the Everfree
>You encountered two cockatrices on the way to Ponyville
>Both tried to turn you to stone
>Neither succeeded
>You assumed it was a fluke, but the weirdness didn't stop there
>Not even close
>All of the spells Twilight tried on you either failed completely, or had weird side-effects
>The cloud-walking spell, for example, worked pretty well, but you left little holes in the clouds where your feet were
>Which caused all sorts of problems
>Trying to teleport with you always ended in disaster
>Applejack didn't let you go near her farm, because you either caused all the fruit to rot or grow to insane sizes, depending on the day
>The Princesses mostly ignored it
>Until you had a little incident with Discord
>He tried to prank you by zapping all your clothing out of existence
>Something about you being "too self-conscious"
>Things went very poorly for him
>You weren't really sure what happened, but he spent the next two days shelving books for Twilight and compulsively organizing random things by color and size
>Including all the houses in Ponyville
>After that, the Princesses demanded that you live in the Canterlot castle, for research purposes
>They were nice about it, of course
>Celestia must have apologized at least twenty times on the chariot ride over
>You didn't really mind much
>It would be nice to get away from the weirdness in Ponyville
>And hanging with the Princesses seemed like it would be fun
>You didn't realize just how "fun" that would be
>From the instant you got to the palace, both sisters tried to get into your pants
>Desperately
>You were totally oblivious to it for a few days, but a mare can eat only so many bananas in front of you start to question things
>See, you were a human
>Both of them were over a thousand, so they were sexually experienced, to say the least
>But neither had experienced a human
>And they wanted to try it
>And try it they did
>Both of them were fucking monsters in bed
>By far the best sex you ever had
>They seemed to think the same thing about you
>The fact that you had fingers opened up all sorts of wonderful sexual opportunities
>Opportunities that they made heavy use of
>The next couple of days passed in a blur of moaning and bodily fluids
>It was fucking awesome
>And, while being a fuckbuddy for royalty was kind of odd, it was certainly more normal than the weekly antics in ponyville
>Or so you thought
>The entire "you don't belong in this reality" thing, once again, came back to bite you in the ass
>About two weeks into your deprived antics, Celestia and Luna called you into a special room
>Both looked extremely serious
>They asked you if you had lied about your past sexual history
>If you had concealed any kind of dark magic that would effect those that screwed you
>They believed you when you told them that you hadn't
>Neither of them seemed really serious about it anyway
>They knew that stuff went all screwy around you
>But none of you expected how far
>They stepped back
>Pointed at a basket on the floor
>You took a few steps and looked into it
>Two eggs
>One a soft yellow
>One a deep blue
>Your brain took a moment to process this
>You reacted in the only reasonable way
"What the fuck."
>Celestia had just nodded
>"Yeah. We... Yeah."
"...Seriously. What the fuck."
>Your sperm had done a number on their reproductive systems, apparently
>You were fucking terrified that they were going to hatch
>Probably into some kind of fucked-up feathered-human-horse abomination
>Further examination, however, revealed that they were completely unfertilized
>The relief only lasted a day
>Because, as it turns out, it wasn't a one-time thing
>Far from it
>Apparently, you turned them into fucking chickens
>Because it became a daily occurrence
>They really didn't mind much
>Which, if anything, was fucking weirder
>That, of course, brings you to the present
>The last month and a half was the weirdest time in your entire goddamn life
>Even worse than that one summer camp you went to in seventh grade
>Which wasn't something you ever thought you'd even fucking consider
>But all the strange occurrences in the past month barely even counted as weird when you compare it to what's in front of you at the present moment
>It was fucking Celestia's idea
>Maybe it was her motherly side, or the ruler side
>But she was, in her own words, "loathe to waste anything unnecessarily"
>And she couldn't stand throwing anything away
>Even her own fucking eggs
>You pick up your fork, desperately trying not to think about where your meal came from
>It was just scrambled eggs
>Even if half of them were fucking midnight blue
>An image of Sam-I-Am flashed in your head
>"Do you like Alicorn eggs and ham?"
>You drove your fork into a piece, bring it up to your fast
>You're...
>Really going to fucking do this, aren't you?
>This was actually fucking happening.
>You sigh, turning the fork around
>Examining it
>It was just an egg
>Yeah, sure, it came out of the sun-princess
>But...
>Still an egg
>People ate ostrich eggs
>Alicorns eggs weren't THAT much of a stretch
>Right?
>No, not fucking right
>An ostrich wasn't a fucking mammal
>And it wasn't fucking sentient
>And it doesn't only start laying eggs after fucking you
>But...
>You look across the table
>Celestia is smiling eagerly at you
>God fucking dammit
>How are you supposed to say no to that face?
>No matter how ridiculous the request
>You quickly drive the fork into your mouth
>Like ripping off a band-aide
>You chew it quickly
>Your face quickly contorts into an expression of anger
>God
>Fucking
>Dammit
>It's amazing
>Light, and fluffy, but not too much so
>It has the perfect texture
>The perfect taste
>Just the right amount of salt and pepper
>You don't even like eggs much, but this is really good
>Really, really good
>Which just adds fucking insult to injury, really
>"How is it?"
>You have to lie to her
>You can't admit it
>You have to say that it's disgusting, that it's terrible
>That it's impossible to choke out
>Come on, Anonymous
>Spit it out
>Pretend to gag
>Just
>Don't-
"It's delicious."
>FUCK
>"How delicious"
>This is an opportunity to recover
>Say you were being sarcastic
>Just don't-
"Really delicious. Like some kind of delicacy."
>Curse your treacherous tongue
>"I'm glad to hear it!"
>She gives you a genuine smile
>Her face as radiant as the sun she controls
>"Now, try Luna's!"