re:Julian why do you tiktikatiktack with the keyboard

Hello, thank you for the message.
This is just how I write. When I was much younger, I thought I was going to be a Magazine/Webisode editor - which happened, until it wasn't happening anymore, and then I thought I was going to be an attorney. which just didn't happen at all, because I was told that I didn't have the temperament for it, despite grading well enough from the outset.
Despite my passion in either case, Neither stuck, I believe because I didn't enjoy the company that I had kept in either position, so I let my ambitions fall to the wayside.

I'm not particularly fond of the "debate" format, and I find that mostly, what results from it is either a series of repetitions back and forth, or mischaracterizations pretending to be stalwart observations.
Later on, I just got into the habit of doing it, because online it seemed like if I ever had something I considered of value to contribute to a conversation, the point would get missed immediately, before I even began to complete a thought. Apparently thats just normal, so instead of fracturing my thoughts across multiple separate posts, like one would be forced to do with a tweet, or in a discord conversation for example, I just prefer to write everything out at once, and if I get something wrong, or if something has to be examined or extrapolated on, it is at least being done with the full context of what I actually think, and what I want another person to know or to think about (at their discretion).
I'm not totally full of shit to believe what I'm doing is elegant - often in the spirit of keeping up with the conversation, I disregard punctuation and some spelling errors occur more often than they should.  But I feel, it's at least honest, and it's sometimes the closest I get to being honest, because for lack of a better way to describe it, I dont feel "seen". Even if one were to disregard something I say as "lmao, wall of text" it's still there, a semi complete work, for them to observe later, it can't be missed.
and my hope if that if I'm being honest, then I'm at least bringing some kind of value to the people around me, because I don't have much else.
I dont like memes, I dont like giving halfhearted replies to anything.  I dont like regurgitating information or symbols that already exist or have been expressed back at people. in the interest of social interaction and providing entertainment to others as well as myself, I will experiment with creative writing on and off, but it never manifests into something that I can share with people socially.
"oh, you wrote a short story. okay." or "I thought that was real, wtf" is what people usually say, so from that outset, it seems like there's no value to be found there. I'm not providing value.
But everyone's got an opinion.  ranging from "I think x, and y to z" or just "good video, good book, etc" - so I can at least operate in that space, on the level that everyone else has already established, and engage with whatever they're engaging with, because usually, I like their company.  I want other people to know that I'm not some thoughtless drone, who is only thinking about himself.  Even though, yes, I am probably thinking about myself, 60% of the time, but I do just as often (emotionally, not mathematically) try to extrapolate that towards the direction of other people. and give as much as I am taking.  I want to have a place, or places somewhere, for once, that I didn't have to make myself, and then populate with yes men. I want real friends - I want opportunities to think about people other than myself and not feel bad about it, I'd like for once to feel some- for lack of a better term, pride? general feel good vibes?  no sense of shallowness, coming from me, or from those who's company I keep?
it might seem like a tangent to have described the previous thought, in such detail, but if at any time,
an idea gets to that point, there may be a sentiment that I am cluttering the space.

my sociopathic desire to have an input, and that somehow meaning that I have reciprocated that which I receive from other people going too far.
15, 20 lines in, usually, anyone reading something on a phone will just dismiss it, or lash out.
and justly so, I should think - why should I ask for such an accommodation. why shouldn't I just have smaller ideas? relinquish the fear or not having the most well thought shorthand.
there's that quote,
"if I had more time, I'd have written a shorter letter"
so, I split the difference, if I risk going on for too long, it goes in a pastebin.
I chose a pastebin, because that idea of honesty is of significant value to me, and it might make more sense to write something like this out on my website as a blog, or on a twitlonger, but I dont want to give of the impression that I am explicitly writing for attention, I don't want to link people to my twitter or to my webpage
or clutter up the chat with just "my stuff lmao"
like some selfish marketing prick trying to fill a quota,
and my hope is that for anyone who cares, they will note of the fact that I went that extra step.
My apologies that prior posts have read mostly as rebuttals, I have no interest in winning any battles if they are presumably against people being similarly honest and open, with no ulterior motives or a selfish desire to disrupt.