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- I got arrested for jerking off in the Philadelphia zoo. Fucking joke. I was in the zoo, you know, as a therapeutic trip with my psychiatrist, Gerald. And I was bored out my mind. What’s the point of animals inside tiny boxes if you can’t eat them but I digress. Anyways, we were on the tail end of our trip and we passed the gorilla exhibit. I didn’t anticipate anything great but in the corner of my eyes I saw a gorilla stand on its hind legs and just start beating its penis! I had to take a step back, the only people that I knew with penises are me, the boys in my swim team locker room, and my girlfriend. While all the other parents were covering their children’s eyes I was just watching in awe. I stood there for a solid 10 minutes with my jaw open. My psychiatrist was getting really impatient and started pulling on my leash but I stood my ground. I was about to cave in and leave but at the last moment the same gorilla stopped beating, stared me down, approached me until he was a foot away from the glass that separated us, and started jerking off, in my face! My penis was confused, I didn’t even know if the gorilla was a boy or girl! So, I did the thing any normal person would do. Beat off to assert my dominance. Pulled down my pants and went to pound town. We went at it. None of us broke eye contact with each other, it was like a scene straight from key and peele. After 3 minutes against all odds the gorilla lost. His head down with shame, but his hand lathered with jizz. The gorilla walked shamefully to his kin but was shun out of the group. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him but for now, it was time to celebrate. I thrusted my hands in the air in triumph and turned around to greet my fans but instead was greeted by two cops? My psychiatrist was long gone, leash was on the floor, so I had no one to back me up. Did 5 months in county jail. Served my time 7 years ago but still won’t forgot the day I won against a gorilla in a beat off war.
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