https://8ch.net/monster/res/364227.html#373852
be me, office worker anon
still a virgin
my puns and pranks are enough to make cheshires puke on instant
they even stop me from getting raped from the most horny of mamono
last winter a jubjub made that mistake
"I would make a bird joke, but they normally fly over people's heads"
jubjub was so disgusted she hit a powerline
"Man, winter really is the perfect time to get nice and toasty"
probably should have called ambulance first
one day new co-worker shows up
who's that pokemon?
it's tentacruel
turns out this kraken is a spaghetti spilling autist, super shy and clumsy
bullyboner activate
"Hey girl, what's kraken?"
office audibly groans to my amusement
kraken girl stutters and drops her stuff
"careful honey, you don't want to be kraken any of that equipment"
she runs(?) off, her stuff being dragged along by a straggling tentacle
it begins
it's been several weeks now
my PUNishing assault has been continuing on this poor squid
lasted longer than the yeti intern at least
eventually get whole office to ask her "what's kraken?" on a regular basis
one day come to the realisation that this woman just gets takeaway food everyday
"Hey, would you like me to teach you how to cook? I don't think McDonalds every day is very good for you."
<"s-sure I guess"
"Cool, meet me at my place on Saturday"
write down the address on a sticky note
my plan is in motion
on saturday she arrives
"Glad you made it, how about we play some Splatoon?"
"O-Okay anon, but I don't know h-how to play"
it's showtime
she figures out the gimmick soon enough
<"haha, very funny anon. Can we get to the cooking lessons now?"
"Ok then, let's get kraken!"
she doesn't look too happy
"Alright, I'll show you how to make fried rice."
Teach her how to use the stove and the wok
she looks visibly impressed at my handiwork
"Now it's your turn"
she seems unsure at first, spills a few ingredients and sometimes adds too much
I end up guiding her hands (and tentacles) and she eventually gets the idea
the intimacy seemed to be turning her on a little
all as according to plan
eventually she finishes, looking quite proud of her meal
here we go
start to whisper in her ear
"Great job! But I've got a little idea that the best of chefs do to make things just perfect"
<"what would that be anon?"
get out an egg
"To garnish the rice, I like to KRAKEN egg on top of it!"
she screams and runs(?) out the door
this is why I'm still a virgin
totally worth it though
on monday my boss calls me in
oh fuck
my boss is a tentacle, which has always annoyed me because I can't make cephalopod-related puns and it doesn't feel right to use my alraune routines either, which makes her immune
get in her office, the kraken is there too looking very pissed
<"Anon, our new hire here says she is being subject to workplace bullying. As you know, this is not exactly acceptable behaviour, and I have let you off many times before."
"I'm sorry boss, I was just trying to fit her in to our workplace. She seemed shy and I had an INKLING that she didn't really have anyone to talk to."
kraken gets so pissed she just rapes me then and there
the tentacle, being what she was, decided to join in too
I have never felt so violated in my life
thegoodnewsisyourprostateiscompletelyhealthy.webm
6 hours later
I think my pelvis is broken
"ow, ahh, my pelvis really hurts"
my boss responds first
<"That'll teach you a lesson Anon."
but then the kraken speaks up
<"A-are you okay Anon?"
she took the bait
"Ah, you know, I think I heard something KRAKEN!"
get raped again
mfw all of this
