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Love Need Not Apply

Apr 14th, 2018
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  1. >"Anon, could I talk with you for a second?"
  2. >You hear the voice
  3. >You know the owner of said voice
  4. >She's Empress Mi Amore Cadenza
  5. >She's not only a ruler of an entire nation she's an immortal being with magical powers far beyond your comprehension
  6. >If you knew what was good for you, you would have stopped to listen to what she had to say
  7. >But you didn't
  8. >Despite her title and her powers, you knew this horse
  9. >You might even say that you knew her too well
  10. >So when she asked you to stop for a second you didn't
  11. >FUCK that
  12. >You just acted like you hadn't heard her, continuing to walk down the street
  13. >It was a feeble act, you knew, but you felt like you should at least try to get away
  14. >"Anon? Anon! I know you can hear me, you silly colt!"
  15. >There was the clip clop of hooves as the large pink mare bounded after you
  16. >Most ponies would have ran toward you until you both were walking side by side
  17. >Cadence wasn't most ponies
  18. >You heard her hooves slap against the cobblestone street and the flap of wings
  19. >You were barely able to ready yourself as the empress slammed into your back and settled herself into human riding position
  20. >Back legs hooked through your arms, fore legs wrapped around your shoulders, head up far enough for her to look you in the eye, which she did, a frown on her face
  21. >"Annnnnon," she whined. "Stop being a fussy colt and listen! I was going through my shipping chart and--"
  22. "I'll pass."
  23. >For a few blissful moments the only sounds that you were hear were your footsteps and the nervous whispers of some crystal ponies
  24. >You had a feeling that their empress riding some foreign stallion was going to get you both in the newspapers
  25. >Again
  26. >You felt Cadence shift on your back, her big pink wings twitching
  27. >"Now," she began. "I know that the last date didn't go very well--"
  28. "I ended up on the side of a mountain in the fucking Dragonlands, Cadence."
  29. >"I know, I know, and I'm really sorry about that! My math was just a little off and--"
  30.  
  31. "It took me three days to get down. I had to beat a timberwolf to death with a rock and suck out the moisture from inside of it."
  32. >Cadence sucked air through her teeth, no doubt whincing
  33. >"I know. I was just as mad as you, and I gave that dragon a piece of my mind!"
  34. "But you didn't have to climb down a mountain for three days," you replied, turning another corner. "Or suck out marrow from a stick creature. Or shit on the ground like some filthy animal."
  35. >Cadence wiggled on your back, making a noise of desperation
  36. >"I know! And that's why no Dragonlands this time! I've done the numbers and there's this unicorn in Canterlot--"
  37. "No."
  38. >"B-But she's really pretty!" Cadence whined, giving you puppy dog eyes
  39. >Once upon a time, they might have even worked too
  40. >But you were a hardened man
  41. >A man that had squatted in a blackened, sulfur-caked plain to shit
  42. "No," you repeated
  43. >"But she'd be your perfect match!"
  44. "No."
  45. >"She's a model! And Prench! She's exotic!"
  46. "Don't care."
  47. >"She's also really nice! She treats stallions really, really well, and she really has a things for bipeds and cuddling! You're a biped, and you love to hug me!"
  48. "I do not. You just attach yourself to me like some leech."
  49. >You reached down to give her leg a pinch
  50. >Cadence made an indigent sound, gently kicking at your hand
  51. >"Come onnnnnn! I already told her that you'd be up for a movie and dinner! I even had a nice suit for you made!"
  52. >You reached back to try to pry the alicorn off of you
  53. >She naturally wiggled around, making the process difficult
  54. >"Just one date! You'll have a blast, really."
  55. "That's what you said about that earth pony in Appaloosa."
  56. >"How was I supposed to know that the mare had a no-fur fetish?"
  57. >Cadence grunted as you managed to pry her fore legs from around your shoulders
  58. >Her back legs tightened around your waist
  59. >"This time it'll be perfect! You'll find your soulmate and you'll have a bunch of babies! I promise!"
  60. "Get off of me, you pain in the neck."
  61. >"Anon! Noooo!"
  62.  
  63. >It took some elbow grease, but you eventually managed to get the squirming, wiggling, pain in the butt horse off of you and at arm's length
  64. >She looked not at all happy about this, her hoofsies kicking and her wings flapping
  65. >"She'll make you so bucking happy, Anon! I promise! You just gotta give her a chance!"
  66. >You set the empress down
  67. >She tried to leap back onto you like some pink spider monkey
  68. >You were too quick for her though, booping her on the snozzle before she took the leap
  69. >Her eyes crossed and she went ramrod stiff
  70. >Good
  71. >Now you had at least thirty seconds to get away
  72. "I don't need anymore of your crazy dates, thank you very much," you told her frozen self.
  73. >You gave her a pat on the head
  74. >She might have been a pain in the ass, but at least she was trying to be a pain and the ass for your benefit
  75. >...You think
  76. "Look, I gotta go. I'm getting a new bench press and a box of those new snake ponies for the shop."
  77. >With that, you sprinted away with all of the dignity that you could muster
  78. >Just as you turned the corner, you could hear Condense shout one more thing
  79. >"Don't you worry, Anon! I'll find you the perfect match! You won't be Equestria's first spinner on my watch!"
  80. >...
  81. >Fuck's sake...
  82.  
  83. ~_~_~_~_~_~_~
  84.  
  85. "That'll be two hundred bits even."
  86. >"Two hundred bits?! That's highway robbery!"
  87. >Be Anon
  88. >You were on the other side of your counter, staring down a little nerd horse
  89. >A couple of boxes of HorseHammer figures sat between you
  90. >Her nose was scrunched up
  91. >You were bigger than her
  92. >"Can't you lower the price just a little?" she asked. "They're plastic models, for Celestia's sake!"
  93. "Hey, I gotta eat," you said, extending a hand. "And some of those was resin. Now pay up."
  94. >The mare's nose scrunched up to dangerous levels
  95. >Even so, she reached into her saddle bag and pulled out a sizeable bag of bits
  96. >"Here. This should be enough," she grumbled, slamming it onto the counter
  97. >Picking up the bag, you weighed it in your hands
  98. >Hmm...
  99. >Two hundred on the dot...
  100. "Fantastic," you said, putting the bits behind the counter. "Now what about your gym membership? You didn't pay for this month yet."
  101. >The mare opened her mouth
  102. >A undisguisable sound escaped her before her mouth snapped shut
  103. >"I'll get it to you next paycheck, you donkey of a stallion," she said, grabbing the boxes and stuffing them into her bags. "I swear, you're more anal about bits than the bucking government..."
  104. >You watched the little nerd mare leave, nodding to yourself
  105. >Ever since the Empire had returned, it's populace had taken quite well to modern amenities
  106. >For some reason, they had taken to tabletop gaming to an almost fanatic degree
  107. >Apparently, ancient poners had something very similar back in the day, but a lot shitter
  108. >Which was where you came in
  109. >Back on earth, people called you crazy to have a gamestop connected with a gym
  110. >And they were fucking right
  111. >It was a horrible idea
  112. >When you had tried it back home you had gone bankrubt
  113. >But things, thankfully, were different here
  114. >Bullshit that would make an economist's head explode happened here all the time
  115.  
  116. >Thanks to some local connections, some bribery, and begging, you had opened up not only the first LGS in the Crystal Empire, but the first gym as well
  117. >And it was fucking SWEET
  118. >Not only could you do dumb nerd shit, you could make ponies spent exorbitant amounts on plastic and paint
  119. >You sat back into your stool, looking around your store
  120. >There were nerds browsing your wares
  121. >Twenty or thirty feet away, in the designated gym section, a group or mares were horse squatting
  122. >The barest of smiles came onto your face as you took a deep breath
  123. >Yep...
  124. >Living the dream...
  125. >The little bell on your front door rang as it opened
  126. >A familiar pink head poked its head inside
  127. >"Hi Anon!"
  128. >...
  129. >Fuck
  130. >Your head snapped over toward your Princess Broom, which sat in the corner behind the counter with you
  131. >Cadence, all smiles, stepped into your establishment
  132. >"There's my favorite human! Now, I know you were a little hesitant the other day but--"
  133. "Hey!" you interrupted. "You know the rules
  134. >To emphasize your point, you pointed out one of the many signs hung up around the store
  135. >Please take hats, hoods, glasses, and crowns off while in the store
  136. >Cadence giggled, plucking off her crown and putting it on the coat rack you had near the door
  137. >"There you go, silly. Now--"
  138. "Hey," you said, pointing at another sign
  139. >If you want to talk with the big green alien, you need to buy something
  140. >Cadence rolled her eyes
  141. >"Fine, can I get a box of those... um, which ones does Shiny get when he's here?"
  142. >You scratched your head, looking around
  143. "He's a Chaos player, if I remember correctly."
  144. >"Alright, which is the cheapest box for those?"
  145. >You pointed out a started unit of HorseSpace Fighters
  146. >Humming to herself, Cadence trotted over toward the displays
  147. >To stop theft and be a lowkey piece of shit, you had made all of your displays and counters just a but bigger than the average pony
  148. >You had also gotten a special stone placed at the top of your building that cancelled out Equestrian magic
  149.  
  150. >This meant that you pretty much had to get everything for your customers, but at least little horses weren't running out with your boxes
  151. >Cadence, though, being a bigger little horse, didn't have much of a problem grabbing a box with her mouth and trotting over toward you
  152. "That'll be thirty bits," you said
  153. >Cadence produced a bit bag, giving you your money, which you put in your cash register
  154. "Alright, now whatcha want?" you asked, crossed your arms
  155. >The Empress cleared her throat
  156. >"Now, I know the last couple of matches were a bit... lackluster, but I think I have just the match for you!"
  157. >You did your best not to groan
  158. >This shit again...
  159. "Look. As much as I appreciate--"
  160. >"Hang on! Before you say anything else, will you just talk with her?" Cadence asked, clasping her hooves together. "She's right outside"
  161. >You groaned
  162. >That didn't deter Cadence, who just propped herself up on your nice, clean counter so that you were eye level
  163. >"Please, for me?"
  164. >...
  165. >You covered your face with a hand, letting out a sigh
  166. "Fine. But I swear to god if she's a dragon or crazy and she breaks anything in here I'm picking up the broom."
  167. >Cadence took a few hasty steps back, her eyes darting toward the Princess Broom
  168. >"N-No need for that, Anon! She'll be perfectly behaved. Now give me a second and I'll go and get her!"
  169. >Pushing off your counter, smudging your FUCKING GLASS, she trotted over toward your door
  170. >She trotted outside, as happy as a clam
  171. >You heard some grunting, some straining, and what sounded like hissing before Cadence trotted back inside with your "perfect match" in tow
  172. >It was a bound and gagged Changeling
  173. >And not one of those queer hippy ones
  174. >It was a big fucker, black and holey
  175. >"Here she is, Anon!" Cadence said as the Changeling struggled on her back. "It's your Mrs. Right!"
  176. >Your nose scrunched up
  177. "...Cadence?"
  178. >"Yeah?"
  179. "Is that the Changeling's old queen? The evil one?"
  180. >Cadence nodded as the Changeling looked around the room with murder in her eyes
  181.  
  182. >The kind of murder that would fuck up your shop like nothing else
  183. >"Yep! This is Queen Chrysalis! Chrysalis, this is Anon, the one that I was talking about."
  184. >"Gnldfndlknl!" Chrysalis angrily replied
  185. >You stared at Cadence for several seconds
  186. "Where the fuck did you find a enemy of the state?"
  187. >"I have my ways," Cadence said, bringing a hoof to her chest. "Now, if you're not doing anything later, I know a great place where the two of you can get to know each other!"
  188. >...
  189. >No
  190. "No."
  191. >Cadence winced, as if you had just slapped her
  192. >"No? How come?" she asked
  193. "Because she's a crazy emotion sucking murder."
  194. >"Oh, she's not that bad!"
  195. "Didn't she try to kill you like a year ago."
  196. >Cadence looked back at Chrysalid, then at her
  197. >Her smile returned, just as big if not bigger
  198. >"I'm sure that was just a misunderstanding. She needed love, but if the two of you are together then--"
  199. >You looked around your store, searching all of the signs that you had posted
  200. >...
  201. >...
  202. >...
  203. >Did you really not have a "do not bring enemies of the state in this establishment please" sign up?
  204. >Weird
  205. >Shaking your head, you pointed toward the door
  206. "No. Now get this crazy bug outta here."
  207. >"Come on! You didn't even give her a chance!"
  208. "Go take her to your husband, for Christ's sake. Throw her in a fucking dungeon before she kills anyone."
  209. >"She can change into anypony~"
  210. "She could also turn me into a lifeless husk."
  211. >"I bet you she doesn't have a gag reflex because she's part bug. You stallions like that, right?"
  212. >The tip of Chrysalis's horn glowed
  213. >Cadence yelped as a green aura grabbed her by the back of the head and slammed it into your HorseTreemen display, sending boxes onto the floor
  214. >"Ow!"
  215. >Without a second though, you grabbed your broom and leapt over the counter
  216. >Cadence's eyes widened as you approached
  217. >She tried to backpedal, but you were too quick
  218. >Chrysalis yelped as you smacked her right on the rump
  219. >The next blow hit the empress right on her noggin
  220.  
  221. >"Ow! You didn't need to--OW!"
  222. >Boxes went flying as you continued to swing
  223. >Cadence scrambled around, the Changeling Queen still on her back as you gave chase
  224. >"I'msorryI'msorryI'msorypleasestophittingme!"
  225. "Getthefuckbackhereyouturd!"
  226. >"DFdkjfndkjndkjd!"
  227. >You crashed into a fucking LOVELY display of HorseEmpire Troops
  228. >This gave Cadence the opportunity to make a break for the door
  229. >Chrysalis let out a pained grunt as your door was thrown open, colliding with her head
  230. >"I'msorryaboutthisAnon, mymathmightbealittleoffI'lltalktoyoulaterbye!"
  231. >Giving you a little wave, the very much panicked empress raced out into the street, with a dazed Changeling queen hanging on for life
  232. >You pushed yourself up with a grunt
  233. "Fucking Cadence... It's gonna take like ten minutes for me to clean this all up
  234. >You looked around
  235. >Andt here!
  236. >She didn't even take her goddamn box of Chaos shit!
  237. >Godammit...
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