Unnamed Immortal Quest Smutfic Review

Unnamed Immortal Quest Smutfic Review

I don't have any knowledge of the quest, so I can't comment on the characters. The downside of this being based on another work is that a casual reader doesn't really get any of the emotional impact that a follower of the quest would get, so that's a mark against it. There's not much really going on here other than rape for some sort of unspecified power, so whatever I guess. I don't expect much character-wise from anything under 2,000 words anyways.

Your grammar and syntax are fine for the most part. However, it gets pretty dry due to the lack of variety in structure. One of the major issues I noticed is:

>"...as you press chest into the ground, squeezing her breasts against the stone ground."

Of course, you need a "her" on the first phrase to specify what chest, but more importantly, it's redundant. Just say that you (the character) press her chest against the stone floor, then describe her breasts while this is happening.

Actually, a larger criticism would be the lack of description for the unlucky woman. You don't really sell that she's beautiful or alluring, it's like you (the character) are raping a blank slate. I don't know how much of this is the fact that this is based on a quest where actual descriptions might exist, but out of context this is definitely a problem.

It's funny, because these days there's a trend against actual physical descriptions of characters so that the reader can invent their own ideas, but for smut, those descriptions are pretty important.

The sexual content is fine, if readers don't mind rape. My only complaint is that the victim started liking it for no real reason - like this is some hentai where all the women are two-dimensional sluts. It's very unbelievable.

Most of your problems lie in the fact that this is based on something fairly unknown and you don't explain it for anyone. Someone looking for a quick fap and who enjoys the subject matter would probably like this. It's a 2/5 as far as I'm concerned, but ultimately worse than Macha the Ever-Virgin Heresy blah blah This Title is Too Long To Easily Recall due to the lack of context.