Lythra's Surprise Review

Lythra's Surprise Review

Okay, I finished Lythra's Surprise. It's fine. It's not like you have some critical flaws in your prose or concepts like some other writers here. You really shouldn't be afraid of this, you demonstrate a fundamental competency.

Here's the deal on your grammar - you are pretty good at it, but you can still improve.

>"...I’d rather not have to worry about that fabric getting stuck in my teeth.” The dragon ordered.

This is almost right, it's just that you use a period at the end of the dialogue when it really should be a comma because the following sentence is a descriptive addendum to the dialogue, not a complete thought. You use periods and commas at the end of dialogue correctly elsewhere, it's just that here it's wrong.

>His cock twitched as the touch becoming slightly erect.

At*

>As it passed over his sensitive penis the feeling was unlike any other.

Put a comma at the end of 'penis.' It's a complete phrase.

>“Your taste does not please me.” She finally said.

Same issue as above. It's confusing because you do it right plenty of times throughout the story. Like I said, room for improvement.

>“Or what?” He said defiantly...

Don't capitalize 'he,' because it's not a new sentence.

There's some other things I could point out, but I think you get the picture. Comma placement and using periods at the end of dialogue when it should be commas are the big things to work on, I think.

As far as your prose goes, it is simple, perhaps a little too simple. Simplicity means ease of readability, but it can get dry. You use a lot of simple sentences, and while you do throw compounds and complexes in there, I'd like to see some more of those in general. Don't be afraid to get creative with syntax to keep things flowing well. Just be careful not to get stuck on the other end of the spectrum, where I am in my writing.

You do an excellent job of showing, and not telling. This is something 90% of aspiring writers struggle with and it's very significant to see it done right when it's so easy just to say what characters think rather than explore that through their actions and speech.

The characters are good, if a bit underdeveloped. I feel as though the reader doesn't really get a chance to get a good handle on Shannon's personality throughout the story, making him come off as a bit shallow. Part of this might be the hasty introduction.

Another issue I have is that Shannon knows a lot of magic. Not just one or two spells, but a lot of them. I was cool with him knowing a basic firemaking spell, something everyone in that kind of world would need to know, but he was going full Mickey Mouse and the Magician's Hat by the end of the story. That's not "a little" magic. Nitpicking, I know, but it does come off a bit dishonest considering we don't see his previous life in the village and it's not like he was a magician's apprentice (that we know of, anyways).
Lythra is more clearly developed, though most of that is through the initial paragraph that explains her backstory and gives the audience a basic characterization.

I will say that a female dragon and a trap is a highly creative concept for a story, though. Superb. It beats the derivative schlock with the heroes banging the dragonesses that has become somewhat of a fad lately.

The plot is entirely dependent on the characters, and that's totally fine. Character driven plots are usually better than structured plots anyways. No problems here.

The sex scene, while short, is pretty creative and arousing. Your imagination is definitely your greatest strength. I'm actually somewhat curious how much of that contributes to H&A. If there was just more content, I'd say it was great. But then, I suppose that's what the sequel is for, am I right?

3/5. It's good for what it sets out to do. Simplicity in prose and concept keeps it straightforward and easy to read, though potentially dry.