CSI

katkinsk
CSI: Crappy Science Inc.
 (2008)


The general dissidence in the 2000's brought with it an increased need for TV shows with bloody crime scenes and very attractive scientists solving mysteries using their high tech gadgetry. One result was the production of CSI. Now there are several variations on CSI, including CSI: Miami and CSI: NY, which are all basically the same thing. Among those TV shows screenwriters, katkinsk has become one of the most influenced and gullible, both through her writing and work as one of the many screenwriters CSI employs.
	katkinsk's CSI: Crappy Science Inc. is conceived of five exhibits of crime scene investigators doing their thing. In this way, katkinsk confronts audiences with evidence from the past and science of the present. In doing so, she alternates between drama and pseudo-scientific rigor. Some audiences have been un-offended by the script due to its palatable nature, like the McDonald's cheeseburger, soft, easy to digest, and cheesy. katkinsk scripts CSI to force people to recognize science as a field that is fun and easy. katkinsk said that she wrote CSI: Crappy Science Inc. “in order to redefine science as... something else.” She does not ask scientists to stop solving crimes, rather to solve crimes within an hour, including commercial breaks. As one of the characters in the final exhibit says, “I told you not to eat that burrito.” A major concern of the script, then, is the importance of beauty to being a good scientist.
	The most interesting scene for those interested in science is the Flash scene, a serious look at how crime scenes are investigated using amazing technology and advanced scientific breakthroughs. The final scene, Boom!, brings together all the elements of a good CSI episode, acknowledging the great variety, good and bad, of the crime scene investigator experience, which consists mainly of loud explosions and bad jokes. Taken all together, these five exhibits ask us to look at important aspects of scientific sensibilities. It does so in a form of complete seriousness and formal intent.

katkinsk
CSI: Crappy Science Inc.


The Cast: An ensemble of three people, two men and one female, two obvious white except for the token Asian guy with glasses.

The Stage: Several stage settings are needed. Set 1: Dark, barely lit autopsy and crime lab room, computers and high tech gadgetry in corner, dead body on rolling table covered with white cloth. Set 2: Dark, barely lit crime scene room, blood and gore strewn across the floor.  Set 3: Well lit alleyway leading to crime scene.

Music: The intro music shall be the greatest hit from ancient mediocre band, catchy and repetitive, so it remains stuck in the head long after the show is over. All music played during the show shall be of a moody, dark nature that is not noticed when played but essential to the rise and fall of the plot.

The Characters:
Thomas
Sarah
Ben

SCIENCE = GREAT
In the crime lab room, Thomas, an attractive crime scene investigator with big bulging muscles and a square jaw is with Sarah, an also attractive, lithe, blond crime scene investigator discussing the latest case.
THOMAS:   ... and then she just died.
SARAH:   Yeah, mysterious isn't it?
THOMAS:   That reminds me of this one case I worked on five years ago. The woman had died given birth to twins, but no one knew who the father was since she had been involved with two different men at the same time; her husband and another guy. Well they did a DNA test and it showed up as the husband. However, they only tested one baby because they assumed that they were identical, but it turns out that the other baby belonged to the other guy. So they had to go to court to see if the husband would be responsible for both children or if the other guy had to pay child support and whatever. In the end, the children end up murdered by a jealous aunt.
SARAH:   No wonder DNA tests are so important!
THOMAS:   Yeah, isn't science great?


DEAD
In the crime lab room, the crime scene investigation team tries hard to solve a case.

THOMAS:   Morgue just called. Jenny was ID'ed.
SARAH:   Oh gosh darnit! She was a key witness!
	[phone rings]
THOMAS:   Hello?... Yes I see... [click]
SARAH:   Yes?
THOMAS:   Jake was found dead in his apartment, shot through the head.
SARAH:   Jake is Jenny's second cousin, Jill's, boyfriend right? How is he connected?
THOMAS:   Well both Jenny and Jill competed for Jake's affection. Perhaps she shot him in a jealous rage and then Jill killed Jenny when she found out Jenny had ratted on Josh who is the suspect for killing Jenny's stepmom, Jesse. Apparently Jesse was a real bitch to Jill and Jill was dating Josh –and also Jake- but Josh wanted to protect Jill from Jesse and took her out. Perhaps Josh found out about Jake and had his gooneys kill him? Or perhaps Jane, Jill's sister, who hated Jake because she had a lesbian crush on Jenny, offed him. At any rate, at least only Jake, Jenny, and Jesse are dead.
	[Ben enters. He is the obligatory smart Asian guy with glasses.]
BEN:   Jill is dead.
SARAH:   Oh golly gee-wiz! She was a key suspect!
THOMAS:   Jake must be a on a killing spree... She must have found out about Jill killing Jenny. Jenny's the murderer!
	[phone rings]
SARAH:   Hello? Uh huh. Okay. Thanks, bye. [click]
THOMAS:   Yes?
SARAH:   Jenny's dead!
THOMAS:   Josh killed Jenny!
BEN:   Not possible...
THOMAS:   What now... [melodramatic groan]
BEN:   Just got texted... Josh is dead.
THOMAS:   What! Who is killing everyone!
SARAH:   Maybe this is God trying to wipe out the scourge of bad people, ya know? Think about it. A whole family of lying, betraying, cheating, and murdering people disappearing within an hour. God is saving our Earth! God is saving us all!
	[phone rings]
BEN:   Yes? Oh I see. Thanks, bye. [click]
SARAH:   Yes?
BEN:   Nietzsche called. God is dead.
EVERYONE:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
	[fadeout]


THE CASE OF KRISTEN KOLBENSCHLOG
Set in the crime lab, with a lone computer being the only light.

THOMAS:   We ID'ed the DB as Kristen Kolbenschlog.
BEN:   Kristen Kolbenschlog? The IAF director?
THOMAS:   Yes, the very one. Some SC isn't it?
BEN:   Did we get the BW back yet?
THOMAS:   Not yet. Still ITL.
	[computer prints out sheet]
THOMAS:   Looks like the BW says the LDL is high, WBC is low, RBC is normal, BUN is normal, hCG is present.
BEN:   She had a bun in the oven then huh?
	[pause allowed for audience to laugh]
THOMAS: Well TGIF, right?
BEN:   BBQ tomorrow, you coming?
THOMAS:   I'm going to be MIA tomorrow. Need some TLC.
BEN:   SY then.
THOMAS:   GB.


FLASH
At the crime scene, completely dark save one dim lamp in the corner, selectively illuminating the dead body and pool of blood on the carpet.

SARAH:   Look at these bullet holes! [sticks laser lights into them] It looks like the shooter was standing in the kitchen!
	[flashback to anonymous shooter standing in kitchen shooting gun with flashes of light and bullet casings dropping to the ground making that pinging noise]
BEN:   [mixes chemicals onto gun] This gun wasn't fired. Obviously the gunman was trying to trick us.
	[flashback to anonymous shooter lying a clean gun down with dead victim in background]
THOMAS:   [examining victim] Look at the abrasions on his hands. He was trying to defend himself.
	[flashback to desperate victim defending himself against the anonymous shooter who was hitting the victim with his gun]
SARAH:   [using special high tech hand-held machine] From the way the blood spattered the victim didn't die immediately.
	[flashback to the slowly dying victim dying slowly]
BEN:   [using more chemicals] There is semen on the floor.
	[flashback to steamy hot sex scene involving victim and anonymous shooter]
BEN:   [getting annoyed] Stop with the flashbacks, alright?
	[flashback to steamy hot sex scene involving Ben and Sarah]
BEN:   [exasperated] Enough already!
	[flashback to steamy hot sex scene involving Thomas and Sarah]
BEN:   [looking at Thomas] You didn't...
THOMAS:   Uhm...
[Ben tackles Thomas, landing on dead body]
	[fight ensues]
SARAH:   Stop it! Can't we all get along?
	[flashback to everyone getting along]
	[Thomas and Ben stand up covered in blood, looking ashamed]
SARAH:   Now look at this...
	[fadeout]

BOOM!
Alleyway outside of crime scene, and believe it or not it's daylight.

THOMAS:   This ought to be interesting.
BEN:   That's what we're here for.
	[awkward silence]
[BOOM! The crime scene explodes]
THOMAS:   [to Ben] Are you alright?!
BEN:   Yeah! Are you?
THOMAS:   Yeah!
BEN:   I told you not to eat that burrito.
	[pause for laughter]
THOMAS:   Let's go check out the damage...
	[fadeout]