Thread 5: Stories 1-15

THREAD 5 ARCHIVE CAN BE FOUND HERE:

http://archive.heinessen.com/mlp/thread/S16130720
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>AJ 18
"Crystal Conductor."

>*bang*Stupid*bang*Stupid*bang*Stupid*bang*

"Ms. I am going to have to ask you to stop attempting to open the window with your forehead, the latch is on your

left."

>*bang*
>...Sorry.

"Thank you, we will be arriving in canterlot shortly if you wish to prepare yourself."

>...Thanks. *Sigh*

>(Why do i keep doing this?)

>(...)

>(Who am i kidding, i know exactly why, the crystal empire is practically perfect.)

>(Ponies there are nice even if i go around without a disguise, the food is great, the city is beautiful if a bit

unbearable at noon, the paperwork is...tarturus incarnate.)

>(And then theres my mission, 'absorb' all the 'love' of Shining armor i can possibly get.)

>*Snrk*

>(As if that's ever going to happen, he's too faithful to ever cheat on cadence, and even if he wasn't he's too

considerate of other ponies feelings to ever do something like that despite the fact he's handsome enough to have

the airhead mares throwing themselves at him almost da..ily...)

>(Great. Now i'm insulting myself, this is pathetic.)

>(At least i'm better than 29, Shining at least gives me the time of day, appreciates what i do, gives me that

special smile of his...)

>(But can i really keep fooling myself into thinking i can 'wear him down'? )

"Now arriving at Canterlot station."

>(Is all the trouble, failures and mountains of boneheaded paperwork really worth it?)

>{“Thanks for the second pair of eyes, 18.”}

>(...Yes, a thousand times yes.)

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>Guard Pony
"Applejack"
'AJ2'
~~~~~~~~~~~

>Another batch of messages, Your Highness.

"Tia's taken ta' forwardin' em right to me, ain't she?"

>It's Changeling related.

"...Shoot, that is mah' area. What's it about?"

>Mostly asking you to get rid of them.

"Figures."

>If I may, Majesty, why don't we get rid of them?

"Hm?"

>It's just, I've heard a great many ways that Changelings can steal your love, but I've never heard of one giving it. They seem to be nothing but balls of pure destruction. Why even keep them around?

"...Do ya' really think they can't love anyone else?"

>I... I didn't mean to speak out of turn, Princess. I've just been feeling a little frustrated dealing with them. I'm sorry if I offended your efforts.

"No, Ah' suppose Ah'll be easy on ya', just this once. Iffin' only because ya' haven't met her."

>'Her', Higheness?

Without responding, she simply walked over to the door, and stuck her head out.

"HEY, TWO! C'MERE FOR A SEC!"

Near instantly, the door was flung open and a distinctly Changeling-like shape tackled Applejack right back into the room. It's good, in hindsight, that the guards reaction time was a bit rusty, or he might have done something regrettable in defense of the Princess.

'Watch'a need, AJ the Princess?'

"This fellow over here's havin' a bit of a rough day, mind cheerin' him up?"

She gave and absolutely dramatic gasp, and then left the room. The most awkward eight seconds of the guard's life was thankfully ended shortly by the re-arrival of the bundle of energy, now carrying a-

>Jingle Ball?

'Uh-huh! Jingle Ball always makes me feel better! Do you know the song too? I can teach you!'

The guard was only half listening to her, staring intently at chew mark laden ball she had placed in his hooves.

>...No, I know it.

'YAY! Sing with me! ~Jingble Ball Jingle Ball, Squeakin' when I biiiiite it~!

>...~Jingle Ball Jingle Ball, there's no sense to fiiiight it!~

'You got it!

>'Jingle Ball, Jingle Ball, there's magic deep iiiinnnnside it!~ Jingle Ball Jingle Ball, your friends will help you fiiiiind it!~

'YAY! You feel better, Mr Thunderhoof?'

>You... you know my name?

'Course I do! Everpony's got a name! I'm Applejack 2, see?'

>...Thank you, Applejack two, I do feel a lot better.

'Great! I gotta go now, Shiny's leavin' in a bit and I don't wanna make him late! Don't worry, he'd never leave without me. Bye Thunderhoof!'

He stares at her as she departs, the Jingle Ball still in his hoof. And maybe something in his eye, too.

"Still think we need ta' get rid of them?"

>...I think the castle furnace just found a bit more fuel. These letters will likely cut our heating bill down a bit.

"Ah' knew there was somethin' Ah' liked about you."

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It was a beautiful, glorious morning in Ponyville. The birds chirped a melodious song, the wind swept through clear skies, and the beasts of hell sang in harmony with the fiery eruptions of cannon fire as yet another attempt on the life of AJ56 was made.

But somewhere, down deep in the recesses of Ponyville, tucked away in a shop in the corner of the town concocting her sweets and treats, a light flickered behind a set of wild, normally spastic eyes. A single instance of thought, of clarity, that had not passed her in months. An idea, a moment.

>....WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE!?

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>AJ 18
"Shining Armor"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

"18~!"

>Shining Armor!? What are you doing here, clear in Canterlot?

"It's become too much to bare, I can't take it anymore!"

>Whatever do you mean?

"Her blundering incompetence has finally withered away the last visages of my once burning love for Cadence, withing it away under a sea of her being a fucking idiot! For you, now, I realize that fire has burned anew!"

>Gasp! SHINING ARMOR! For real!?

"INDEED! Tis not a deception, a trickery or falsity! And I'm not 29, just to extra clarify. For instead, I have seen your abilities, and find myself wanting, NEEDING you by my side, ruling the Crystal Kingdom! I must have you, now!

>B-but the scandal! Everyone is watching!

"Let Chrysalis watch, to feel the burning love that ignites between us in a raging tempest! And let her know that it was SO TOTALLY HER WHO WAS BAD IN BED, CHRISSY! NOT ME! BECAUSE YOU'RE A BIG STUPID BUG MONSTER!"

>Oh~ My Prince!

"Come with me, for love! For Passion! For competency! FOR... Luna?"

>... What? Oh, hey Luna. What're you staring at.

'...Fluttershy, we need to have a talk.'

>...Shit.

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>18
"Shining"
'Luna'
~~~~~
>This day is going to be perfect! The kind day of which I dreamed since I was small!
>Today is the big date, to get with all my friends and celebrate,
>The most sacred ritual of all!

"This day going to be perfect!
The kind day of which I dreamed since I was small!
All my our friends will gather 'round, we'll have a bash, and party down,
And our hearts will be complete once and for all"

>I couldn't care less about the dress, the cake could be a styrofoam fake!
>Vows, oh, how can I just say "That through foul or fair weather I want us to be together"?
>The truth is I want so much more than that!
>Oh, how I love the groom, for any other's love there is no room!
>And today he will become all mine~!

"This time I cannot wait, my heart I must sate!
There will be no lies when I say; 'I fear ever lose you, fear that I my use you when I want to love and cherish you each day'!
Oh, I do so love my bride, in my heart she does reside!
Oh, AJ18, we will be joined soon!"

>Finally the moment has arrived!
>For me to become the happiest of brides!

"Oh, the wedding day will make
Our longing hearts at last be sate!
AJ18 I'll be-"

>WHAT THE HELL?!

Eighteen wakes up in the middle of the hall, short of breath and somehow sweating cold bullets.


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>AJ29
'Sombra (Written)'
"Sombra (Speaking)"

>Well hello there~

"Rawrgh!?"

>Someone looks angry, did I do that? Want me to kiss your boo boos better?

Scribble

'What in the sulphuric pits of Tartarus are you doing here, you cad!?'

>Temper temper, I just wanted to check up on my ex-coconspirator, that's all~

Scribble

'Come to visit me before I am surely executed?'

>Wha? What happened to the can't die spiel?

Scribble

'I cannot die, but if you had paid attention, I can be killed, maimed, and generally made to feel pain until I shut down, only to come back to life several moments later. They can execute me...many, many, many times if they please.'

>...wow, that's a mood killer...aaaaaand it's back! So listen, before Shining offs you, I think I've come upon a solution to your little debt to me~

Scribble

'Debt? What debt?'

>You owe me five pity fucks.

Scribble

'Our goal was not accomplished! Further I have not the equipment to satisfy your perversions.'

>Au contraire mon freur, that's why I'm here. You see while I was regrouping in the seedy underbelly of Canterlot, I came across some of those Neighponese comics that you read backwards, and they had some verrrrry interesting ideas on how to use tendrils...like the ones on the end of your smokey bits for instance.

"..."

>What?

Scribble

'Get out or so help me, you will experience the death I am so profoundly cheated of!'

>Yeesh, try to help a guy, ta-ta, fake loser king, I'm off to bag REAL royalty!

"Grr..."

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>AJ 29
"Cadence"
~~~~~~~~~~

>...

"...What?"

>Marry me!

"...WHAT!?"

>Well, you said you don't want to cheat on your husband, and Polygamy IS legal-

"It is!?"

>-So if we get married, it's all legit!

"That... that is just missing so many points."

>Such as?

"I don't want to have sex with you. I don't want you in my castle. I don't want you in my LIFE. I don't want you on the same CONTINENT as me. Why, oh dear Celestia why, would I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you?"

>So we can have sex, obviously.

"...Ugh."

>If it makes you feel any better, I'd DEFINITELY cheat on you. With other royals. Not that I wouldn't run you and Shiny ragged long before that, but I would.

"You should become a wandering salescolt. You'd make a fortune."

>Soooo... wanna go elope right now?

"Have you not been listening to a thing I've said?"

>Nope! Decided to get into practice for when we tie the knot.

"Ah ha, ah hah, get the fuck out of my castle."

>Oh, come on! You could do worse than me!

"Applejack 29, I am about to say the harshest, most insulting thing that has ever come out of my mouth. I seriously want you to brace yourself for this one."

>...

"...I would rather marry CHRYSALIS than you."

>...ow.

"Felt that one?"

>I'm... I'll come back tomorrow. You'll change your mind when you think about it.

"Love don't change, baby."

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>Applejack
"Spike"
'AJ29'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>So then Ah' was thinkin', if we can jus' lock Luna in a room with them, maybe she'd eventually...

"Is that...?"

*Crash!*

'Marry me!'

>...WHAT!?

*Spike instantly whips out his gun*

"STEP OFF BUDDY! OFF LIMITS!"

>What do ya'll wanna marry me!?

'Duh, because then it won't be... cheating on... wait, hold up.'

"..."

>...

'...No, wait, that doesn't make any sense. Sorry! Wow, that wasn't just a brain fart, that was straight up brain not found! Oh my, my desperation and soul crushing hurt must be worse than I thought! So sorry to have wasted your time, princess meh.'

*He flies off, eerily contemplative.*

>...'off limits?'

"I... uh... So, we were gonna lock Luna in a room with some paperwork, right? Want me to get on that? You probably want me to get on that.... I'mma go get on that."

*He tears off before she can respond.*

>...Nah, that'd be silly... wouldn't it?

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>AJ18
"AJ29"
'Shiny'
~~~~~~~~~~

>Will you leave? I'm trying to seduce here!

"Missy, you get off that bed right now! You are besmirching my future sexy time place with your unsexyness!"

>You get off the bed! I was here first!

"A true professional never goes first!"

>At least stop looking like Cadence! I'M looking like Cadence!

"Well I can't obviously seduce Shining Armor as himself, can I? That's not till round three at the minimum!"

>Get off you annoying pest!

"Don't shove me you dried up whore!"

>OW! Don't pull my hair you lame diva!

"LAME!? I'll show you lame!"

*Shining Armor opens the door, walking in on the two as they hash it out on his bed.*

*He stares, stock frozen for a moment, and then falls to his knees*

'N-no....NOOOOOOOO!'

>...Shiny? You okay?

'You maniacs! You blew it up! You blew up the 'Sexy Cadence Fight' fantasy! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HEEEELLLLLLL!'

*He collapses to the ground, tears streaming from his eyes*

'My favorite fantasy, BESMIRCHED! Whyyyyy!?'

"...Wow, what a drama queen."

>Right? C'mon, let's go see how long it takes for Cadence to shoot you out the window again.

"You're on!"

*The both leave, walking around the still sobbing Shining Armor like he was a knocked over trashcan.*

*He just lays there... and mourns.*

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>Cadence
"Shining Armor"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Okay, so, I just talked to 18, and she's mentioned that this is not the first time you've mentioned a fantasy of yours. In fact, this is the second one that involves multiple of me. Is... is there something you want to tell me?

"...No."

>You sure? I feel like we might need to talk about this.

"Cadence, I'll be blunt with you. Until we go back to the near constant or at bare minimum frequent magic fun time activities we did when we first got married, my brain is gonna go some weird places. We can always fix that, you know. Right now. On literally every surface in this room."

>...But you're not considering cheating, right?

"Not even briefly. To the point where my threesome fantasies somehow are still just you. So, about that-"

>Just checking. Love you!

*She walks away*

"...God... DAMN it."

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>AJ2
'Sombra (Written)'
"Sombra (Spoken)"

>Hi Somby!

"Grah?"

>Wow, you're all bandaged up, kinda like a mummy!

"Greh..."

>What's got you so down, Somby? You didn't get hurt that bad, didja?

Scribble

'Child, I am afraid a I must apologize.'

>Why? *gasps*

2 looks suspicious

>Were you the one who kicked the jingle ball into those tree limbs I couldn't reach?

'What? No, I've been here for...I don't really know how long.'

>Ok good because I'm pretty sure 29 did that, he's a meanie.

'Yes, well, that I heartily agree on. However, I must apologize because I have been using you, child, from the moment we met. Using you to find my way back into my seat of power, using you as a way to escape Shining Armor's wrath, all in a bid to return to my body and overthrow those you cared so deeply for.'

>Wha-really?

'Yes, but it appears that was all a fool's errand, I cannot return to my body. I cannot die yet I know not who would call this living, and before long I will pay for my crimes.'

>You...can't die, Somby?

'I cannot.'

>Well that's good, that means you'n me can play forever!

'Child...do you not grasp what I have told you? I cannot regain my body, and I cannot return to power-'

>The why don't you do some good things?

"Regh?"

>Well you can't do all those mean evil things, so why not do good things? You may see that they're a lot more fun!

'I...see...there is a bit of wisdom in that, though there is the matter of Shining Armor deciding my punishment.'

>Oh don't worry about Shiny, Somby, I'll stick up for you like I did at the Library!

'I....thank you, child. Though I am unsure if it will work. Whatever happens next, know that the affection I have showed you in the days since we met have been genuine.'

>D'aw, thanks Somby, you wait here, I'm gonna go talk to Shiny, and he'll let you go, and then we'll get my jingle ball down from the tree and play all day long!

'I would like that, 2, I really would.'

2 scampers out, leaving Sombra to his thoughts.
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>Spike
"AJ18"
'Celestia'
*Random Guards*
~~~~~
"So... You want me to train you in the art of espionage, huh?"

>Yeah, I think my own efforts to learn the secrets of my enemies have been coming off as a bit unsubtle

"You're waving a chrome with gold inlay Smith and Wesson 500 around, that's your first problem!"

>Well I was just hoping for some insights from a master.

"Look, kid, I'm flattered, but I'm no master, nothing I do fools anyone! I'm more discreet when I don't bother disguising myself!"

>Well have you tried mimicking anyone else? See how well it works then?

"... Well, it has been awhile since I tried."

She turns herself into Shining Armor then approaches a Royal Canterlot Guard.

"Hey, has Princess Applejack gotten my paperwork in yet and does she have the next stacks ready?"

*Yes, Your Majesty, we're sending it through the Friendship Express.*

"Excellent work! You're dismissed!"

*Thank you, your majesty!*

>See? That went well!

"Hang on, I'm getting some ideas..."

A half hour later, Spike and 18 are sitting in Celestia's bed chambers laughing up a storm as 18 is disguised as Celestia and barks boorish orders to everyone without eliciting any suspicion.

"Okay, okay! I got another one! Flash Sentry?"

The guard rushes in.

*Yes, your majesty?*

"Your name is now Flasshole! In fact, inform all the Royal Guard they are now to all be known as 'Asshole' or cleverly fit it into their name somewhere under punishment of personally delivering my next cake shipment to me, by themselves!"

*R-really? Even Colonel Hugh Jass?*

"Someone wants to bring me a thousand tons of cake by themselves."

*O-On my way!"

>Oh, man. No one has suspected a single thing, even Applejack thinks you're the real deal!

"I know it's hilariou- Ah! Celestia!"

'Hello, 18.'

Celestia calmly sits down while and grabs some cake and looks to Spike.

'So, how have you two used my power in my absence?'

>We prank called Luna...

"Disowned Prince Blueblood and branded him a traitor to the country."

>We also made Cadence cry by telling her no amount of makeup will hide how ugly she is...

"We ordered a thousand tons of cake to be baked and delivered here..."

>And we had all the royal guards rename themselves or work Asshole into their name.

Celestia is reading over parchment as she hears this then suddenly beams.

'Perfect! You two have put me ahead of schedule for today. I think I'm going to go back to napping for another hour. Keep up the excellent work, 18!'

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>Applejack
"Cadence"
~~~~~~~~~

>Ya' wanted ta' see me?

"Applejack! Just who I needed. I need a bit of advice, relationship advice!"

>...And ya' came ta' me?

"Auntie Celestia pulled out a gun, Luna ran off crying, Twilight's not an option and Fluttershy is giving me weird looks."

>...

"I mean, you're the Element of Honesty! And right now I could use a bit of Honesty."

>Ah'm actually not anymore, we gave up our-

"Shiny looks like he's feeling a bit down. Any idea how to cheer him up?"

>...Really? Gonna be blunt here, rut him.

"I mean, I can't think of any reason he would feel neglected, but I'm still just a bit paranoid, yeah?"

>Bang him. Screw him. Toss him ta' the ground and have yer' way with him.

"I was thinking maybe a nice dinner or something.

>Tell him ta' lean back and give him a spit shine. Give him a cloud walker spell and make it rain. Tell him you've stocked up on lozenges and let him take it from there.

"Maybe a card? Do they still sell cards that say "I love you" on them? It's been a while."

>Take him inta the bath and make some bubbles. Stop him while he's walkin' around and tell him that's not the only hallway he could be inside. Tell him ya' want ta' know what it would be like if YOU had the white coat.

"Maybe a movie?... nah, that would take too long."

>Tell him ya' wanted ta finally tell 29 what his size was, and ya' don't have a ruler. Put on a maid outfit and make it dirty. Take a deep breath and tell him ta' pretend it's his birthday.

"I've got it! A box of chocolates. Oh, he loves those! Oh, thank you, Applejack! I knew talking to you would be a good idea!"

*She happily skips off, ignorant of Applejack's deadpan expression.*

>...Spike, were you over there the whole time?

[I'LL BE IN MY BUNK! NO CALLS!]

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>Applejack 12
"Applejack"
~~~~~~

"Soooo.... how'd it go?"

>You told them not to try and stab me, right? I mean, I figured that this wouldn't even NEED to come up, but I still explicitly asked you to say "Don't stab" him to these ponies. You told them not to, right?

"Yeah?"

>Can we bring them in for treason, then? Cause I don't know if pens technically count, but they should. They HURT.

"Okay, so, bank teller might not have worked out. What about the mailroom?"

>They tried to ship me to hell. Literally. They stuck me in a box and put "To hell" on it. Apparently hell has a zip code and physical address as well! New information to me!

"Well, yeah Tartarus is right over there."

>Oh! And then we have the golf course!

"What happened there?"

>Here's a hint. Holes above the knee, ten points. Holes on my hooves, twenty points. Eye holes, one hundred points!

"Ya' don't have eye holes."

>NEWS TO THEM!

"Well, ya' gotta keep trying."

>I know! I just... I know.

"...So.."

>...

"...What was the final score?"

>Them forty, me eight hundred and twelve."

"Huh?"

>Broken bones, one hundred points. Punches to the face, one point. Tying them up by their own golfclubs? Priceless.

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>Applejack
“Celestia”
‘Spike’
~~~~~~~

“Question, Applejack.”

>Wait, wait- Spike! Get my emergency cake ready!

‘On it, AJ!’

“…”

>As y’all were sayin’, ‘Tia?

“You’re a crazy mare for not having your emergency cake rations within a reachable distance.”

>Is… is that what ya wanted to say…?

“No, that was just an acute observation. My question was--”

The door opened with nary a sound and Spike entered, placing a saucer full of glittering red cake in front of Applejack.

‘Here’s your cake, AJ. Extra apple drizzle.’

>Aw~ Thanks, sugarcube.

Nodding, Spike leapt onto the windowsill and fell down cross-legged.

“...is that my gun he’s carrying?”

>That’d be the one, yup.

“Might I ask why?”

>Darndest thing really. Ever since Ah got attacked by the Neighponese awhile back, little fella likes to sit up there on guard most times.

‘Assault my princess, will they? Let’s see how they like it when I assault their flank with a bullet.”

>Funny, eh ‘Tia?

“But… he never did that for me all the times I was assaulted.”

‘Applejack’s bringing Equestria out of the dark ages where finance and economy are concerned. We can’t afford to lose her, princess.’

“…”

>...sooooo, uh… *clears throat* So what was yer’ question again, ‘Tia?

"Ever heard of the 'crying corner' in the ballroom?"

>Yes?

"If you need me, that's where I'll be."

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