[Proofreading] Snuggles Redone pt1 Notes

VERSION A
>barring a few broken windows or busted down doors.
"and" instead of "or" as both things are going to be broken, not only one of them.

>While you're looking at the ground you manage to see some footprints, indicating someone or things might come through here occasionally.
"While looking at the ground, you notice a set of footprints left in the dirt. Has someone been through here recently?"

>The first home you search has its door busted off the hinges.
A village like this where skeletons are already halfway buried must have been abandoned for years, not to mention probably nearly leveled destruction wise if they started burning most of the structures. Your writing should reflect this state of decay and age, a sentence like this makes it sound like there is still an actual door and a door frame left when in all likelihood both are completely destroyed.
"The first building remains you search has what little of the door  is left busted off the hinges, and other than some decrepit furniture, there isn't anything left."

>Some of the wood is find at least, so you take what's usable.
Unless there is a far off storeroom that remained mostly undisturbed, you're not going to find "find" wood in an old destroyed rampaged-through village.
>each of their limbs tied to the rotting wooden posts.
Here you have the wooden bed rotting as well, and those are exclusively made out of treated wood. Also, "each of" can be left out and the sentence would be better for it.
Holy shit there are a lot of skeletons here. Will you be using this village come Halloween to obtain decorations for the camp?
>You can't get do many details in how she looks,
Do.

>She's still not moving and is keeping her face covered. You explain that you saw her wing was poking out from under the bed, you're also looking right at her. She doesn't move a muscle and you tell her that her attempts to hide have failed, if you had wanted to hurt her you certainly could have. A sigh escapes her mouth.
This specific part is what I got hung up on. The way this is worded and written is awful. There is no flow in the sentences, it's chopped up to bits with them ending before they should, and it reads as crappy exposition. The scenario isn't bad and is a funny trope, but the way this is written is bad. I called quits writing these notes here when you posted the first draft and only continued just now because of it.


VERSION B
>I was really worried for a second, so you came in here to scavenge this place too, huh?
How this is written comes across as a rhetorical question rather than a genuine one, which I assume is what you were going for. "Are you here to scavenge this place too?" would be an actual question you can format however you want for her talking quirks.
>Yeah! You see, I'm aspiring to become a merchant someday and I'll need to find plenty of stuff to sell once all this stuff blows over.
Too much "stuff"

>One day I'll have my own store and everyone will buy what they need from me! Snuggles!
That first exclamation mark should be a comma. Read the previous sentence and this out loud, you'll hear why. It's a good rule of thumb to read everything you write back in-character like that, I'm sure it would help even a little bit with the occasional weird pacing and sentence flow.

>That's why I was moving this wood here, I thought there might be a secret passage under this heap and I'd find lots of things in it... but... there's nothing here...
Why would she think that? Is rubble indicative of secrets? Is that why Amily can stay hidden so well in the town ruins, because it's all rubble? If a character does something, there needs to be reasoning behind it. I'm pretty sure she's not supposed to be stupid or ditzy, so something like this reads as nothing more than a set up for talking about her merchanting startup career.

>Snuggles leans forward slightly and trails off, waiting until you end up telling her your name.
Her name was used in the sentence before this even, don't use it to describe her actions. It's actually used in both sentences before this one, making it even more redundant. Also also, you and her are the only ones there, there is no need to use this way of referring to her when it couldn't be about anyone else. Learn to change things up (but don't overdo it) with wording like "bird-like woman/girl/whatever." Do keep familiarity terms in mind when describing someone by their appearance, "the/your bird(-like) woman" can make all the difference, and is very important to keep context in mind.

>With her gone, you do give the house a brief search and fail to find anything you can use.
"but" fail, not "and" fail.