T.S. Eliot's Columbiad / Bolo poems

The Columbiad
T.S. Eliot

Let a tucket be sounded on the hautboys. Enter the king and queen.

(st. l)
Columbo he lived over in Spain
Where doctors are not many
The only doctor in his town
Was a bastard jew named Benny
To Benny then Columbo went
With countenance so placid
And Benny filled Columbo's prick
With Muriatic Acid.

(st. 2)
One day the king & queen of Spain
They gave a royal banquet
Columbo having passed away
Was brought in on a blanket
The queen she took an oyster fork
And pricked Columbo's navel
Columbo hoisted up his ass
And shat upon the table.

(st. 3)
Columbo and his merry men
They set sail from Genoa
Queen Isabella was aboard
That famous Spanish whore.

(st. 4)
Columbo and his mariners
They were a merry chorus
One Sunday evening after tea
They went to storm a whore house.
As they were scrambling up the steps
Twas then Columbo his got
A great big whore from the seventh story window
She floored him with a pisspot.

(st. 5)
The cabin boy they had aboard
His name was Orlandino
A child of upright character
But his language was obseene o.
"Fuck Spiders" was his chief remark
In accents mild and dulcet
They asked him what there was for lunch
And he simply answered "Bullshit."

(st. 6)
King Bolo's swarthy bodyguard
Were called the Jersey Lilies
A bold and hardy set of blacks
Undaunted by syphilis.
They wore the national uniform
Of a garland of verbenas
And a pair of great big hairy balls
And a big black knotty penis.

(st. 7)
King Bolo's swarthy bodyguard
They numbered three and thirty
An innocent and playful lot
But most disgusting dirty.
And Bolo lay down in the shade
His royal breast uncovering
They mounted in a banyan tree
And shat upon their sovereign.

(st. 8)
One day Columbo and his men
They took and went ashore
Columbo sniffed around the air
And muttered "I smell whore"
And ere they'd taken twenty steps
Among the Cuban jungles
They found King Bolo & his queen
A-sitting on their bungholes.

(st. 9)
She put the gunner to the bad
The first mate, cook, and bo'sun,
But when she saw Columbos balls
She jumped into the ocean-

(st. 10)
One Sunday morning out at sea
The vessel passed Gibraltar
Columbo sat upon the poop
A-reading in the psalter.
The bosuns wife came up on deck
With a bucket full of cowshit
Columbo grabbed her round the neck
And raped her on the bowsprit.

(st. ll)
Now when they were three weeks at sea
Columbo he grew rooty
He took his cock in both his hands
And swore it was a beauty.
The cabin boy appeared on deck
And scampered up the mast-o
Columbo grasped him by the balls
And buggered him in the ass-o.

(st. 12)
One day Columbo and the queen
They fell into a quarrel
Columbo showed his disrespect
By farting in a barrel.
The queen she called him horse's ass
And "dirty Spanish loafer"
They terminated the affair
By fucking on the sofa.

(st. 13)
Before another day had passed
Columbo he fell sick-o
He filled the pump with argyrols
And rammed it up his prick-o.
And when they touched Cadiz he cried
(And let down both his anchors):
"We'll see if there's a doctor here
Can cure the whistling chancres."

(st. 14)
Columbo and his merry men
They went to storm a castle
A bullet came along the road
And up Columbo's asshole.
Columbo grew so angry then
He nearly shit his breeches.
"Come on my merry men," he cried
"We'll kill the sons of bitches."

(st. 15)
"Avast my men" Columbo cried
In accents mild and dulcet
"The cargo that we have aboard
Is forty tons of bullshit."
The merry men set up a cheer
On hearing this reparty.
And the band struck up "The Whore House Ball"
In accents deep and farty.

(st. 16)
On Sunday morning after prayers
They took their recreation
The crew assembled on the deck
And practiced masturbation.
Columbo being full of rum
He fell down in a stupor.
They turned his asshole S.S.W.
And he cried "I'll die a pooperi"

(st. 17)
Among the heroes of the fleet
Was a pimp named Buck McManus
Who had the entertaining trick
Of whistling through his anus.

(st. 18)
One day King Bolo from the shore
Began to cheer and chortle.
He cried "I see Columbo's ass
A shitting through a porthole."
His big black queen set up a shout
And all his swarthy vassals
And the band struck up the national hymn
Of "Hairy Balls and Ass-Holes".

(st. 19)
The flagship of Columbo's Fleet
Was named the "Virgin Mary"
An able vessel fully manned
With sailors short and hairy.
The other ships came on behind
The "Holy Ghost" and "Jesus"
And people on the shore remarked
An odour as of cheeses.

(st. 20)
The cook who served them pork and beans
Was known as Careless Cora.
A dame of pure Australian blood
With a tincture of Angora.
She wore a sweater short and red
Which closely did her shape fit
And the hair that lay along her back
Was yellow like ripe ape shit.

(st. 21)
One day the king & queen of Spain
They gave a royal dinner
To Chris Columbo of Genoa
Copyrighted materialThat famous old prickskinner.
They sat around the groaning board
On cushions, (trimmed with tassels)
& the queen served up a steaming dish
Of buttered-hot-apes'-assholes.

(st. 22)
One day the chaplain came aboard
With a bunch of big verbenas.
Columbo sat upon the hatch
A rubbing of his penis.
The bosuns wife sat on the rail
A eating jam and crackers.
The mate was in the bathtub and
The cook was in the backhouse.

(st. 23)
Columbo thought that he would take
A safeguard and precaution.
So to a medium he went
For telling of his fortune.
The medium was so very wise
It really was a miracle.
She ga*e went into a trance and cried
"I see your balls are spherical."

(st. 24)
The cabin boy they had aboard
His name was Orlandino,
A child of manners most refined
Though his language was obscene-o.
His prick was 13 inches long
And wound around with marlin.
Columbo sketched his character
When he called him "Whorehouse Darling."

(st. 25)
One day Columbo slapped his thigh
And said "I feel like frigging!"
He chased the chaplain round the deck
And up among the rigging.
The chaplain he that good old man
Had no one to protect him.
Columbo grasped him by the balls
And buggered him (in the rectum).

(st. 26)
Now whistleprick! Columbo cried
Regard the tranquil waters:
The sea is calm, the sea is still,
Lets go and fuck a tortoise.
The beast was caught, the beast was fucked,
And christened (name of Jumbo);
And the merry men set up a cheer
For their captain, bold Columbo.

(st. 27)
King Bolo and his big black queen
Those two prodigious bastards,
They swarmed aboard Columbo's ship
In a rattling fire of assturds-
They sat around upon the deck
On cushions trimmed with tassels
And the first word that the monarch spake
Was "Let us talk of assholes".

(st. 28)
The hottest sailor in the fleet
Was Bill from Barcelona.
For coons his passion was so marked
That they called him Desdemona.
Though coarsened by experience
His soul was not embittered.
He looked the whole world in the face-
A fucked up blueballed shittard.

(st. 29)
Now when the KING and QUEEN of Spain
Were filling up their glasses
In burst Columbo & his crew
Of brawny horses asses.
He introduced the queen all round
To all his royal navy
And punctuated his address
By spitting in the gravy.

(st. 30)
Now bugger my ear! the bosun said
Now where does all my rum go?
My reason leads me to suspect
That great big bitch Columbo.
Columbo sat upon the hatch
Consuming orange bitters
He took the bosun by the drawers
And rammed him down the shit-house.

(st. 31)
King Bolo's big black bastard queen
She was extremely lecherous.
She kissed the chaplain on the ear
In fashion most impetuous.
The chaplain he that good old man
Was reading out of Pascal.
He skipped so quickly round the mast
He buggered himself (in the asshole).

(st. 32)
One day King Bolo's big black queen
That pestilential bastard
She rolled aboard Columbo's ship
In a state not drunk, but plastered.
The chaplain he that good old man
That shy old whorehouse rascal
He slipped his prick inside her drawers
And buggered her (in the asshole).

(st. 33)
Now while Columbo and his men
Were shaking dice for roubles
In burst King Bolo and his queen
With a frantic cry of "Blueballs!"
They rolled around beneath the trees
And lunched on ham sandwiches
And Columbo cried "Produce the rum
For these epoch-making bitches."

(st. 34)
One day Columbo came aboard
With a bunch of big bananas
He took the chaplain by the drawers
And shoved one up his anus.
The chaplain he that good old man
Was reading in a missal
He dropped the book upon the deck
And cried out loudly "Kisshole".

(st. 35)
One time Columbo when at sea
Grew very constipated
For forty nights and forty days
It was just as I have stated.
Then to the Virgin he did pray
Before his faithful vassals
"Give me a hundred shits apiece
From 100,000 assholes."

(st. 36)
The queen said just to pass the time
I will ask you a conundrum.
And the question which I will propose
Is "what's Chinese for cundrum?"
That, said Columbo, is a joke
But it seems to me so coarse
Such conversations I have heard
From the lips of Spanish whores.

(st. 37)
Two eunuchs from the sultans court
Were very curious figures.
Some Chinese pimps from Hoangho
The rest were jews and niggers.
They also had among the crew
Ten brawny Irish muckers.
And to keep them going on the trip
Some Portuguese cocksuckers.

(st. 38)
Now fry my balls! Columbo cried
I feel as strong as Sandow
Let someone quickly go and fetch
My passionboy Orlando.

(st. 39)
The Boatswain was a man of mark
Well known as Worthless Walter.
He found the Chaplain fast asleep
Perusing of the psalter.
He took him swiftly by the pants
And buggered him on the alter;
And the Mate said, (with a knowing look),
"I've seen that done in Malta".

(st. 40)
'Twas Christmas at the Spanish Court!
They dined on roast flamingo.
Columbo gave a Awful belch
That broke a stained-glass window.
The King at that was so perturbed
He nearly was struck dumb (oh!)
But the Queen exclaimed, with perfect tact,
"You son of a bitch, Columbo!"

(st. 41)
'Twas Christmas on the Spanish Main,
The wind it up and blew hard;
The vessel gave an awful lurch
And heeled 'way down to leeward.
The Chaplain was so very scared
His breeches he manured;
And Columbo slid along the deck
And raped the smoke-room steward.

(st. 42)
Columbo and his caravels
They set sail from Genoa.
Queen Isabella was aboard-
That famous Spanish whore.
Before they'd been three hours at sea
They fell into a quarrel,
And Columbo showed his disrespect
By farting in a barrel.

(st. 43)
Now while King Bolo and his Queen
Were feasting at the Passover
Columbo and his Merry Men
Rolled in teakettle-arse-over.
They all sat round his festive board
And dined on fried hyaenas;
And the King said: "Have a piece of tail
With a juicy bit of penis".

(st. 44)
The Ladies of King Bolo's Court
Were called "the Broadway Benders",
And likewise called "The Fore and Aft"
Or else "The Double Enders".
Columbo took a single look
And hitched up his suspenders.
"Come on, my merry men" said he:
"These look like old offenders."

(st. 45)
King Bolo crowned his Big Black Queen
As Queen of Love and Beauty.
"For", said he, "who is there on our isle
At once so sweet and sooty?
At once so fresh and fruity?
At once so rough and rooty?
Let's celebrate the day!" he cried,
"With a game of water polo!"
And bestial blacks set up a shout
For their Monarch, Good King Bolo.

(st. 46)
"Now buggar my ear!" the bo'sun cried,
"Now where does all my rum go?
"My reason leads me to suspect
That bastard, Chris Columbo".
Columbo sat upon the poop
Perusing Titus Livius;
But the he took that bo'sun by the ears
And rammed his head down the privy-house.

(st. 47)
King Bolo's big black Cousin Hugh
Was called the family failure:
His pet bum was large and black and round -
But he had no genitalia!
And yet he was so full of fun
That nothing could deject him;
And the children, for a bed-time treat,
Would buggar him in the rectum.

(st. 48)
King Bolo's big black bastard Kween
(That practickle Bacchante)
Was always tidy fore and aft
Although her clo'es were scanty
And when the monarch & his men
Went out to throw the discus
The Kween sat by to rince her Kwunt
And comb her belly whiskus.

(st. 49)
Now when Columbo and his ships
Regained the Spanish shores
The Spanish ladies swarmed aboard
By twos & threes & fours.
Columbo first took off his bags
And then his shirt and drawers
He spun his balls around his head
And cried "Hooray for whores!"

Flourish. Skirmishes and alarums. Cries without. Exeunt the king and queen
severally.