May 9th 2018 Blog (probably should read it all)

Hi, Raven here time for a blog;.
I haven't done one of these in awhile.

Where do I even begin.
I guess whenever I felt like shit, because I felt like I was special to someone and realized I was not. I recovered from that, for awhile thing were going ok. I started taking 200mg of Spiro every day and overall that made me happy, but heat had to get in the way and cause to me to get headaches and feel semi nausea a lot each day. Somehow I ended up watching Uncle Greg Twitch streams, for awhile I was just lurking, never to say anything. A bot started randomly pulling my name a lot on the streams, so I was thrust into the chat with no warning and I felt like "Shit, I want to invisible", because I was trying to just be in the shadows watching. Somehow that worked for the better, because I ended up on Greg Discord and met a lot of people.

For awhile after my feeling like shit from the not being special I watched a lot of Netflix with my mom to keep my mind off of things. So she was the only person I talked to for a bit, I started to really open up to my mom (weird huh) So back to the server, I craved having attention again, I really did. I opened up to people, for whatever reason. 2 of the people on the server I felt a spark with and I like them a lot, I mean I also like the guy who talks about Mech (he is pretty swell) IDK, but last night one of the people I really like started to tell me to get a bra, legally change my name, stuff like that, that made me start to close off myself. I started to think, "Am I doing things to slowly?" When I start to do a lot of things at once or think a lot about things I should do, I start to panic and feel really insecure and just want to curl into a ball and cry, just cry and cry and cry.

Raven is not my legal name, but I would like it if people treat me as if it is my legal name. WTF have I done with my life? Seriously, in like 5 years I might move to Santa Cruz. I just want to move already, because I want to start over with new neighbors who I can introduce myself as Raven to. Things changed, like in the political spear of this country, it caused me to be less trusting of my neighbors. I know what it is, but I fear mentioning it, but like lets just say I rather live around a bunch of liberal people and not the conservative people.

Raven My Sweet Raven How I love you so......... Never forget where you came from, always improve yourself, what matters most is what you think and how you want to do it.

I have to keep reminding myself of that, also it is like Raven from 2016 dreams is speaking directly to me, I love her, I became her.


I remember before I even used the name Raven, Raven was just a character from my dreams that I would always talk about and write about. Yea...... Only thing missing is being a Twitch Streamer and having a cute roommate who I went to high school with and the image would be complete.


Triggers, I have trigger words that I wish I would never see. I saw one a couple days ago. I cannot actually state what they are, because people would always say them to trigger me.

I am not an emotionless person, but I come off like that.
Sorry, to me, to you, to whoever is reading.
I am whiny I know.

I cried this morning and last night.
Just want you to know.

I am vulnerable
Things you might think are just minor things are much larger for me, everything is intensified for me. It is really hard to explain it, but you have to be delicate and tactful with me, because it feels like you are yelling at me.

Sorry, honestly if I somehow disappear without a trace, that just means I am crying and feeling like the whole world is against me.
I feel like I a few incidents away from nuking everything and isolation again.

You want the truth, this is the truth.
I know that I promised I would not cut again, but last night I felt tempted, I didn't do it, but I thought about it.
This is your warning