Thread 5: Stories 91-105

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>Applejack
“Cadance”
‘Celestia’
__________

“Long time no see, Applejack! I’m surprised you wanted to have a word with me of all ponies, hahaha!”

>Nice try, 18.

“Damn. Like, seriously? That quick? You couldn’t have at least pretended for a little while to make me think I’d done it right? I studied that insipid laughs for hours!”

>S'long as there’s a bit of wobble back there, it’s pretty easy to tell. Cadance is marble flat, think y’all’d get it right by now.

“Fricken son of a- it's not for lack of trying, I just can’t seem to get the butt size right! It won’t shrink….”

>Be glad it’s not gettin’ any bigger, like Luna’s. Or mine fer’ that matter. Ah need to cut back on the cake before Ah’m the next Celestia… Anyway! Ah called ya hear to say Ah’m somewhat proud of ya.

“Yeah, I know, it doesn’t seem like nothing I do is… wait. What?”

>Aside from makin’ the lot of us over here look like Derpy tryin’ to handle politics, it’s amazin’ how much the Empire has turned around in the short time y’all been there. Ah know there’s a sort’ve competition thing goin’ on between the two castles, seein’ who can outdo the other and whatnot, but Ah just wanna say yer’ doin’ a buckin’ good job.

“Oh. Oh wow… is this what it feels like? Receiving praise for-”

>And don’t eat any cake Celly offers ya.

“...what?”

>Fair warnin’. It’ll be loaded with laxatives, have ya on the john fer’ days, if not weeks.

“…”

It’s at that moment, Celestia trots in wearing a smile and humming a pleasant tune, a plateful of cake levitating behind her.

‘There you are, 18.’

“Even you could tell, eh…?”

‘Oh come now, it’s common knowledge there’s nothing but diamond in Cadance’s hindquarters. But enough about herrrrr, this is about youuuu! And this wonderful cake I’ve baked for you in celebration of bringing the Empire out of the dark ages! Have a slice, won’t you?’

“…”

>…

‘...you told her, didn’t you, Applejack?

>Honesty, remember?

‘Son of a bitch… well, you could still-’

“No.”


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>Cadence
"SA"
'Chrysalis'
~~~~~~~

In the largest room in the entire Crystal Castle, Cadence resides. She does not do so alone, but instead surrounded by what can only be described as a 'Plotload of swagger'. Dresses, haircare products, makeup, headbands, to list them all would take all day. She lays back, basking in her haul, the content smile on her face irremovable, unshakeable.

Even by the frantic slamming of the door by her beloved husband.

>Helloooo Shiny!

"...N-noooo... noooooooo... C-cadence! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?"

>Ohhh, just went for a bit of shopping.

"Oh no, no no no, noooo, what have you done!? T-there's sooo much here."

>Mmmmmhmmmm!

"Oh sweet dark side of the moon. No. This had to have bankrupted us. I count five items in this room that would leave our entire treasury in shambles!"

>Oh?

"Cadence, I love you. Let me say that right now, because this next part is important. I love you, but this is too far. I can't let you keep all of this! I know you love your looks, but the entire stability of our Empire is a bit more important! We have to-"

His rant was very quickly silenced by a giant piece of paper shoved into his face. After the brief rage had subsided, he finally gathered the courage to look upon it.

"Oh dear god! ONE of your purchases cost this much!? We're not just bankrupt, we may bankrupt Canterlot by just sheer force of presence! Just being AROUND us may cause a recession in freaking Apploosa! Which one of these cost this much!?"

>Those ones

"WHICH ONES!?"

>All of them. All of the ones. Everything in this room is on that little piece of paper.

"...I ...what!?"

>Oh yeah.

"T-t-that's insane! All of that, ALL OF THAT, for this!? This... this is way too low! Did you promise political favors or something? Did you bribe someone? WHO DID YOU THREATEN TO HAVE KILLED!?"

>Nopony. In fact, I didn't haggle for a single bit less.

"How-"

>Chrysalis did.

The deep, empty silence was thankfully broken by the large double doors slamming open, and another "Cadence" trotting in, arms full to the brim.

'You would not BELIEVE what I got for twenty bits! SOOO MUCH PERFUME! Expensive, glorious stuff, not the cheap crap! Oh, hey Shiny! She tell you I can haggle?'

>She can haggle.

"...What?"

'Whelp, I'm off! They're having a fifty percent off sale at Tack, they are in for a REAL surprise when I get there!'

>Money's on the table, have fun.

'Oh, I will. See ya!'

She leaves behind a stunned Shining Armor, and a content Cadence, who had long since stopped paying attention to the world.

"...I want you."

>That's nice, dear.

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Lance Corporal Colon was, if anything, a dependable guard. He wasn't bright, and he wasn't innovative, but he was exactly what the royal guard needed - discipline and doctrine.

So when he saw the changeling trying (and failing) to sneak through the corridors in disguise, he levelled his pike, blocking the changeling's path.

"Now then laddy, what's going on here?"

The changeling looked down at its' hooves. Or, it appeared to. Sergeant Colon couldn't quite tell, due to the dirty picture of Princess Luna taped to its' face.

>"NOTHING TO WORRY THINE HOOVES ABOUTETH, MINE MOST LOYAL OF FOODPONIES. IT IS ONLY YOUR BELOVED PRINCESS MOON GOING FOR A STROLL. ALONE."

Colon sighed.

"Right then, 'your nightjesty'. And why were you coming this way?"

>"IS THIS NOT THE PATHETH TO YOUR - 'scuse me, I mean - TO OUR HAREM SUITE?"

"No. No, your nightjesty, this is actually the way to the washing rooms."

>"THEN WHEREFORE CANST I FIND MINE HAREM?"

"Down the other way. Just follow the signposts."

The changeling blushes, which, along with the splashes of paint, make it look more purple than blue.

>"MY PONYEYES DO NOT HAVE GOOD PERIPHERAL VISION. ETH."

"Look, you're not fooling anyone. Just take the mask off, and go back to the ballroom."

>"THIS IS NO MASK. AND IF IT WERE then i'd only be wearing it because i was ordered to go and infiltrate the bucking harem when i never learnt how to do the flashyfire thing..."

Colon thinks for a moment.
He is no bright spark - no Clever Hans - but he's had his share of incompetent superiors.

"She definitely say the harem, or what?"

>"i was told to go find princess luna's stable..."

"You do know there hasn't been a harem in centuries, don't you lad? But... me and a few of the others have got a spare seat for Texas Hoof 'Em.An' I spose the barracks is sort of /called/ the stable."

The changeling lets out a loud squeeing noise. Colon was sure if he could see the thing's face, it'd be beaming.

"D'ya have a name?"

>"i'm applejack 007"

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>Chrysalis
"SA"
'AJ2'
~~~~~~

>BAM! Haha, I love the look on your face when I slam the door. You always flinch.

"That's nice Chrysalis."

>...Wow, what's with the fancy getup?

'Shiny's taking me to get my picture tooken!

"Taken, Two. Get it 'taken'."

'Then we're gettin' waffles! With ice cream on it!'

"If you behave."

'I will!'

>...Pfft, what's the point of the ribbons and junk? You can just magic those up.

"Two likes playing dress-up. It's more fun this way."

>But it's just a waste of time once she puts on her disguise.

'...What disguise?'

>Uhhh, the one you walk around with, duh.

'But... I look like me when I go play outside.'

>...You don't make her wear a disguise?

"What? No!"

>Are you insane? What part of 'we are giant love devouring bug monsters' do you not get? Honestly, I'm surprised she hasn't been stoned yet.

"...Really. You're surprised the Changeling I'm seen doting on all the time hasn't been assaulted."

>I'm not counting stuff that goes on in the castle, idiot.

"What makes you think I don't do this when I'm outside?"

>Because... well, I mean, you're... you know! A pony! You can't be friendly with us!

'...'

"...Really?"

>Yeah! We're just incompatible. Can't work.

'...Shiny, she's kind of silly, isn't she?'

"Understatement of the century, Two. C'mon, let's go get your picture tooken."

'Yay!'

*The walk off, leaving Chrysalis sitting there*

>... Didn't you hear me? We're incompatible...

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>Applejack 12
"Mane-Iac"

~~~~~~~~~~

>... How the fuck did I even end up in here?

"HAHAHA! Sooon, soon I shall DESTROY those power ponies, and I need your help to do it!"

>I'm actually not a fighter, really. I'm pretty brittle.

"Do not lie to me, Insector! For you see, I observed quite well how you DESTROYED my henchponies! Your might is quite astounding!"

>Okay, first off, stop with the supervillain names. My name is dumb enough as it is. Second, I barely tapped most of them. I'm pretty sure I missed one, and he still went down. Are they actually fighters? I feel like you just hired ponies off the street or something.

"Of course not, Buzz Master! They are my top trained agents in CHAOS!"

>Oh good, we're mixing it up now. Can't hold down to a single name?

"Of course not, Thoraxical! Join me, and we will ruin the manes of not only this city, BUT THE WORLD! AHAHAHAHA! AAAAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!"

>Well, if we're going to rule the world, you probably shouldn't start by sitting on that-

*ZZAAAAP!*

"OH NO! Hoisted by my own petard! OH WHAT CRUEL IRONY! AHAHAHH! AAAHAHAHHA!"

>...I wanna go home.

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>Shining Armor
"AJ2"
'Sombra'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hi, Shiny! Want to play Candyland?"

>Eh...I'm not quite feeling it tonight.

"Aw, do you want to play a different game then?"

>...Actually, I think it's about time I teach you to play Hyperspace Wars.

~later~

>NO! A surprise attack from behind? What is this Herasy!? Curse your xenos! This has to be beginner's luck.

'Grwahahaha!'

"I had a lot of help from Somby."

'Waaaargh!'

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>Applejack 12
"Pony Doctor"
~~~~~~~~~~~

>AAAAAHHHHHH!

"I thought you Changelings were supposed to be really tough? That can't hurt all that much."

>What!? NO! We're not any tougher than a pony unless we absorb a steady supply of love, and even then it would have to be an absolutely massive reservoir to make us particularly strong. Otherwise, a pony BITING INTO YOUR ARM still hurts! Worse, even, because that's not skin! That's Chitin! It breaks!

"...Maybe this isn't the profession for you."

>I wish you had told me that BEFORE the dog-brained pony latched onto my arm!

"Oh well, thanks for coming anyway. I'll go get the pliers, she's pretty dug in there."

>Oh, wait, it looks like she's letting go- NOT THE FACE! AHHHHHHH!

"...Might need to get the big pliers, not that I think about it."

>AHHHH!

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>SA
"AJ18"
'Chrysalis'
~~~~~~~

>Woo, thanks for the help with this. Honestly, you're pretty much the only reason we're not slipping into bad habits again. Chrysalis is driving me up a wall, I swear.

"Well, you could always show your appreciation a little more physically?"

>Sorry, can't.

"Damn! I WILL bed you someday! And it's going to be magical!"

'Eehhh, fifty fifty shot there.'

"EEP! I mean, my Queen! How... how long have you been standing there?"

'I don't think I've left this room all day, actually. Why, what's up?'

"...You have no idea who I am, do you?"

'...You're not Cadence?'

"...Sneaky Applejack, Ma'am."

'Oh! Okay, I wondered why Shiny had suddenly taken a vow of celibacy or something. '

>Sure feels like that sometimes...

'So, wait, what's with the papernobbery?'

"It's, uh, it's how I get into the castle. And alone with Shiny for hours on end. I do some paperwork and I can pretty much wander around as much as I want."

'Brilliant! That's why you're Sneaky Applejack!'

"Applejack 18, Higheness."

'What about her?'

"...Ugh. I'm going to change back, so you don't get confused, alright?"

'Good call. I don't think Shiny's interested in a quicky right now anyway. I've been doing some amazingly annoying things for the last hour.'

>She has.

*Fwoosh!*

>...Did you change your wig?

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I was worried you'd confuse me with one of the other Changelings, so I just started wearing Cadence's hair. Why? Is this creepy? I don't want this to be creepy."

>Eh, it's fine. I don't think I'd mix you up, though. You're one of a kind.

"...T-thanks."

'Sneaky-Jack! Leave us. I have such... pesterings to show him. For you see, I have found this giant bag of jacks, and with it I shall-Whoops. No biggie, I-OW! FUCK! OW! THIS WAS A STUPID IDEA!'

"...I'll leave now, Majesty."

'NO! WAIT! COME BACK AND-OW! I REGRET EVERYTHING!'

>...It's the little things in life.

'OW!'

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>Chrysalis
"AJ2"
[Sombra]
~~~~~

>....Sooooo....

"..."

>... You two known each other long?

[GRAAAAH]

>Just askin'.

"Are you my mom?"

>Pffft! WHAT!?

"Just askin'."

>No, I'm not your mom. We're not related.

"Oh. Okay."

>...What, that's it? You can't just open that box and close it, kid!

"What? I just wanted to know. Shiny says it's good to know your Biologicliclal family in case of an emergency. Like, you'd call your mom if you needed an organ or somethin', right?"

>Huh. Makes sense. Guess you're screwed now, aren't ya?

"Nah, I've got Shiny and Caddy and 18 and 42 and Somby and Auntie Twilight and Uncle Spike and Applejack and Luna and Fluttershy and all the guard ponies and Mrs Flitter over in the cookie shop and Drapers in the boutique and-"

>I GET IT!

"I gots connections."

>...Heh, I just realized, you and me have a LOT in common!

"Really?"

>Yeah! Both our lives are fucking AWESOME!

"Really?"

>Really! And you know, I've got the connection, you have Shiny!

"Yeah?"

>Well, I had my mom. My mom was just as awesome as Shiny is! Amazing Changeling, you'll never meet anyone like her. Whole reason my life is so perfect right now.

"Well, I mean it's not-"

>I mean, look at me! Changelings at my command, all the Cinematic masterpieces I can watch, and the head Princess herself told me to go pester someone! Life is just... it's good. Thanks, mom.

"So, are you gonna be a good mom?"

>GAH! NO! I don't want to get my heart eaten! Little brat!

"...You scare me sometimes."

>Whatever. I'm going to go pester Shiny and think about how amazing my life is. Cool? Cool.

*She hops off, humming happily.*

"... Should I be happy she's happy, or scared?"

[Grah.]

"Yeah, that sounds right."

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>Spike
"Twilight"
~~~~~~

>Twi? I'm worried about you. You've been doing these weird experiments for like, a year now. Let's take a break, yeah?

"Can't, SCIENCE!"

>...Is that a Changeling in that test tube? Twi, you know you can't-

"He volunteered, I swear! I asked him if he would offer his body for science, and he said yes!"

>...Ah, so that's where 29 has been. Wondered what happened to him. Hey buddy, how's the life?

*Gurgling noises*

>Cool, cool.

"Now, I wonder if-HEY!"

>C'mon, let's go. You're getting out of this lab.

"But there's so much to doooo!"

>Shining Armor is having a kite flying contest."

"...With cupcakes?"

>Sure, I'll tell him to get you some cupcakes."

"Wellll.... alright, it will be fun to spend some time with him again. He has just been so busy lately, yeah?"

>Yeah, busy never getting laid.

"Wassat?"

>NOTHING! Fun! Fun fun fun!

"Science fun?"

>REGULAR FUN!

"...Regular fun, right, I remember that. Right."

*They leave*

*After a couple seconds, the room is filled with the sound of a confused gurgle.*

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>Applejack
"Cheerilee"
'AJ56'
~~~~~~~~~~

>Alright, we've gotta talk about this.

"Talk about what? Is something wrong, Applejack? If there was, you didn't need to come all the way down here to tell me, you could have written."

>Ah' know, an' believe me, this ain't a place Ah' wanna be... trust me on that one. But this issue with Diamond Tiara is gettin' out of hoof.

"Whatever do you mean?"

In that moment, the windows suddenly shattered inward, a massive explosion washing through the classroom. A single black shape rocketed through the flame, coming to a hard stop on the wall opposite of the windows.

The wall around the windows crumbled, allowing a tiny pink filly to awkwardly waddle inside, one of her front hooves holding what looked to be a massive cannon on her shoulder. She smirks, blowing out the trail of smoke coming from barrel. Her content nature does not last long.

'HAH! I barely even felt that one, flatflank! What, skimping on the good rockets already? Come on, don't hit me with the cheap stuff! HIT ME!'

She just wordlessly shrugs, and then launches another rocket. This one sends him clear through the wall, and the wall behind that, and the wall behind that, and through the open air behind that, before coming to an explosive stop a mile down the road.

All the same, she could hear the faint cry of 'NOT DEAD YET!'

Still resolved, she hopped clumsily over the wreckage, and towards her target.

>...

"... I don't see it. I think you're just over-stating a playful rivalry, Applejack."

>...

"And anyway, she never brings her weapons to class, I can only punish her on the clock, and she's playing by the rules. It's a matter for their parents, I'm afraid.

>...She killed one o' yer' demons.

"...We all have our little bright moments in the day, Applejack. Don't begrudge me for mine."

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>AJ 42
"AJ 18"
~~~~~~~

>18, report!

"...we're doing this again?"

>Yes but, well, I actually want you more to report on our Majesty's well being than you constant failed attempts to find the creme filling in Shining Armor's angel cake.

"She's messing up a lot of paperwork and making my life harder. In her downtime, she drinks heavily, and makes my life harder like that. When she's bored, she'll go shopping while disguised as Cadence, and finally, she'll frequently offer to make sure Shiny lives up to his namesake, even if she has to clean him herself."

>But they're not hurting her, right?

"Nope. None of them have even tried. It makes sense, she is still rather powerful, and Shining Armor's one effective attack has a huge drawback. Hitting your surrogate daughter in the face with a magic shield will cause some therapy sessions, bare minimum."

>Good, good...

"..."

>...Uh, anything else?

"Fine, since you obviously want to know. Shiny was asking if you were alright. He's worried you're going to run yourself ragged trying to control these chaotic bunch."

>He did?... I mean, of course he did! He's probably worried I'm training an entire army to swoop in and destroy him, now that our Queen has infiltrated his castle! As he should be!

"..."

>...But maaaybe I should go stop by and, uh, you know, make him think everything is alright to throw him off? Can't have him getting suspicious!

"Of course."

>...Now start spilling what I really want to hear.

"Cadence accidentally set fire to her blouse while trying to make cereal, Chrysalis froze several hallways and accidentally started a hockey league, Sombra got his tongue frozen to a giant block of ice, and Shiny accidentally found Chrysalis's secret cache of legos, with hilarious results. Which do you want?"

>Are you kidding? ALL OF THEM!... you know, for the report.

"Of course."

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>AJ12
'77'

>Thirst quenched?

'Yes, thank you. I'm afraid my story may need to be shortened a bit, our lives became quite systematic at that point. Fighting and fleeing in equal measure, we became quite adept at facing the Morlocks, and it would seem they us. We lived in fear and hatred of each other, fighting the moment one side saw the other.'

>So you're saying you want to skip ahead?

'To the next death, that's what you wanted, yes?'

>I don't WANT it, I just figured you talking about it would give you some closure.

'Yeah, closure. Well if I remember right we're where 21 died, which is...special.'

>Why?

'Because the rest of us killed him.'

>What!? Why!?

'We had a reason to, I swear. 21 was...a quiet fellow, just carried the standard and kept to himself. For some reason while the rest of us appeared to wither as we went on, he kept himself strong. We had no idea how he did it at the time, but we'd find out soon enough.'

77 scratches at the chitin around his bandanna/eyepatch.

'We had camped out in a tunnel, 21 was on guard duty on one end, 32 on the other. In the middle of the night 32 heard a noise of something chewing. Fearing the worst he roused us, and we all accounted for ourselves except 21. We walked down his end of the tunnel, and...

>A Morlock was eating him?

'He was eating the Morlock.'

>...

'He looked up at us as we approached, and smiled. He explained he'd found one of their scouts sniffing around the encampment and snapped its neck. He said he'd been doing this since the first big skirmish, devouring dead Morlocks to keep his strength up. To him it was the only right thing, eat or be eaten, to show superiority over them.'

>I...that's sick...

'We told him as much, but he shook his head, said he'd make us understand by killing every single Morlock under the mountain. 50 ordered hin to stand down...he ran. 32, 88, and I chased him, trying to tackle him down, he blasted 32, knocked him out. I had more luck, I managed to get him down, but then he grabbed the standard and...'

77's hoof touches his eyepatch again.

>You lost your eye?

'Yes...he tried to escape but 88 pounced him with her knife and stabbed his chest. The others gathered around, 50 yelling at 88 for what...he'd done. 50 had wanted 21 captured, not dead. 88 said he'd lost his mind and could have brought us even more trouble.'

>And then?

'There was tension, but 50 backed down, having the others regrouped while 88 saw to mine and 32's wounds. She took the standard and ripped off enough to wrap around my eye, then we both roused 32 and helped him limp back. That's how the three of us began to gravitate towards each other.'

>They were your friends.

'...yes. It's late, I need sleep. We should continue this at a later time.'

>Right, right. You can take longer than just a rest, you know, you're not tied up any more, you can mingle with others, changelings, ponies...hell AJ's alright if you can stand a busybody.

'I'll take that into consideration, thank you.'

>No problem, sleep well.

12 trots off, 77 looks down at his knife and curls around it, shutting his eyes with a whisper.

'...88...'


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>AJ12
"Aj42"
~~~~~

>*Grumble*friggen hair pony*grumblegruble*show YOU who's skin would make a great shampoo*grumble*

"12! Report!"

>GAAAAH! Don' friggen sneak up on me like that, okay! I SEE THEM WHEN I SLEEP NOW!

"...On topic, give me your report on your integration into Canterlot society... or Ponyville, you're kind of all over the place despite having no means of transportation, a lack of flying capabilities and logically should be coma ridden because of all the blood loss."

>I was in a comic book yesterday...

"REPORT!"

>Do you want it written out in failed jobs or just in number of injuries sustained? Fair warning, the latter goes on a while.

"That bad, huh?"

>42, you could undersell the Apocalypse.

"Well, keep trying!"

>Why!?

"You're the only one around doing something! You have to keep it up, if only so we know exactly who to explode with gusto the moment we start trying to take over Canterlot. If you actually succeed, more the better, but keep trying!"

>...FINE!

"..."

>...

"...So were you really in a comic boo-"

>I don't want to talk about it.

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>Celestia
"Chrysalis"
~~~~~~

>Chrysalis! Report!

"Heeeeeey, sheelly! Wassh you up to?"

>...Are you drunk?

"Nooo, Ah' jush had a lil' wine, jush a tasht, ah' shwear!"

>How many did you 'taste'?

"...ish a big number, not gonna lie."

>Ugh. Well how goes your-

"HOLY CRAP!"

>What!?

"YER BOOTY ISH ENORMOUSH!"

>...Come again?

"Ah' shwear ah'm bein' pulled toward it! Ish gotta gravish... gravilabl... ish got magic pulley magic! The magish that makes ush not fly away, I mean."

>Gravity, Chrysalis.

"Yeah! That. Yer' booty'sh shooo big!...unlike mine."

>...Don't you bucking dare.

*Sniffle* "Why doeshn Shiny wan' my booty? Ish a nish booty! Ish not ash big ash yers, but ish still good!"

>I will end you. I am dead serious. Stop this right-

*Chrysalis lurches forward and wraps her arms around Celestia.*

"BAAAAWWHAHAHAWW! I jush wan' him ta like me like he dosh tha' little changl... changalain... the little bug monsher! He's sho nish ta' her, why can't he be nice to me!?"

>If that little dragon doesn't give me a new gun, I will dine on lizard soup.

"Ah-ah-ah jush wanna be Cadesh again! AH WANNA GO BACK TA' BEIN' CADDYHEHEHE!"

>Mother, this is how I know you aren't watching. If you had any mercy or love for me, you would strike me down right this second.

"I jush... I jush..."

>...You just what?

"....zzzzzzzz...."

>...If you pee on me, everyone dies. Scorched earth, no survivors, everything is dead. A part of me is hoping you'll do it anyway, just to give me the excuse.

"zzzzzzz..."

>...My shoulder hurts.

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