Rarisbian Fic -- Dyke City [✔]

(This is a fic loosely based on the ending of Dark City)


...screamed Rarity, driving her stiletto heels into the door. The inches-thick hinges squealed in protest as the door flung open.

"NOW," Rarity growled, waving her pistol in a wide arc at a crowd of hooded figures. "Which one of you is The Anon??"

"I am."

A tall figure stated firmly, stepping forward. A wicked grin flashed just below the edge of the villainously large cowl.

"Hiya, I'm an Anon too!" said another in a high-pitched girly tone, flanking the previous figure. She smelled vaguely of a name-brand toothpaste.

"The Anon is me, and I welcome thee," said another in a vaguely African accent. The top of her hood stretched skyward by her massive mohawk.

"I-I'm one too," stuttered a short figure, her pudgy face barely obscured by the same sort of garment worn by others.

Those hooded robes must be one of those despicable one-size-fits-all mass productions, Rarity decided. She fought back an urge to vomit.

"Tell me," said Rarity, trying to decide which hooded figure to aim her gun at. "Why am I waking up next to strangers every morning? Why do I still dream of Applejack?"

"Because you're a fluke, my dear," said the tall figure, biting off every syllable. "I can't believe... You of all people..."

Rarity raised an eyebrow.

"I beg your pardon?"

"We've been looking for you, Rarity," said the toothpastey girl, her tone overly cheerful. "Centuries of experiments, careful breeding, desperate searching... To create the perfect human so that we may understand them better!"

"....I'm the perfect human?"

Unsure how to react to this unexpected compliment, Rarity smiled, then frowned. She tried doing both at the same time.

"We've found the chosen one," sang the one with the mohawk, her outstretched hood giving her a very klansman-like appearance. "Which means that we have won."

"Th-the chosen one," stuttered the pudgy woman. "I *knew* the p-p-perfect human could only begotten from an equally perfect ship."

She reached below her cowl, fidgeting with something on her face. A pair of horn-rimmed glasses briefly revealed themselves before disappearing again.

"Rarijack? A perfect ship? Pleeeease," berated the tall figure. "You're just grasping at straws."

"Hang on," said Rarity. "I beg your pardon, but I am *not* comfortable with you talking about my lover and I in that manner..."

Rarity shook her head.

"...A-and I'm the one asking questions here anyway! What does my perfection have to do with me dreaming about Applejack every night??"

The hooded figures roared in maniacal laughter.

"You see," the toothpastey girl chided, "centuries ago, our kind fought many bloody wars over which Equestria Girls ship is the OTP."

"Oteepee?"

"O-T-P," corrected the tall figure. "One True Pairing."

"The wars, they were vicious. We lost many things precious... to us."

"That didn't rhyme," noted Rarity.

"Yo, get off my back," said the mohawk lady. "You ain't even black."

"That didn't rhyme, either."

"Th-the point is," interrupted the chubby woman, "after centuries of t-terrible ship wars and uneasy truce th-that followed, we set up this grand experiment to try out different ships every night so w-we could settle the score without bloodshed. Th-thousands of Equestria Girls pairings running c-concurrently!"

Rarity's face dropped.

"You're saying that I... I'm just an experiment?"

"Yes," replied the tall figure. "You and thousands of others. We reset the ships every night to try every possible combination out there."

His scowl deepened.

"But, for whatever reason, YOU refused to forget Applejack," he spat venomously. "No matter what we did, you resisted our attempts at deleting that precious hick of yours from your tiny brain."

"Oh, whyIoughta, "Rarity scoffed, upturning her nose. "My brain is NOT tiny, thank you very much, and it's not surprising that you couldn't put Applejack out of my mind."

Rarity clutched at her pearls, starry-eyed.

"What we shared was true love. Ever since we laid eyes on each other, our hearts collided like a pair of earphones left in a purse for a day. Forever tied, impossible to untangle! A shipwreck full of sentiments let loose in the waves, tiny jetsams and flotsams scattered in the seven seas, impossible to recover!"

"Ohmygod," muttered the chubby woman, clutching at her heart. A trail of blood ran down from her nose.

The tall figure gagged in response.

"Regardless," the toothpastey girl sighed, "what's done is done. The results were starting to skew towards Rarijack in the past century or so, but this basically seals the deal."

"Yes. W-we got our perfect human out of R-Rarijack and the experiment is complete," said the chubby woman. "This p-proves that Rarijack is OTP."

"Agreed," conceded the toothpastey girl. "I used to be all for Pinkietwi, but I have to admit, Rarijack experimentally proved itself to be the OTP. Rarity, that was a beeeautiful metaphor by the way!"

"Oh! Thank you, darling."

"Oh come on," protested the tall figure. "That was the shittiest metaphor I've ever heard! Besides, the experiment is NOT over. In fact, I insist that this cum-colored twat ruined it! She's a tainted sample! No one was supposed to find out about our existence!"

"C-cum colored???" Rarity huffed, aiming her gun at the tall figure. "Such language! Take that back right now, you ruffian!"

"Ayo, don't mind that foo," said the mohawk lady dismissively, not even bothering to rhyme anymore. "He's just mad because his shitty crossover ship didn't pull through."

"It should've been Rainbow Dash standing before us!" The tall figure screamed, completely losing his menacing composure. "Don't you see, you imbeciles?? She doesn't even have any redeeming qualities besides dresses! How could any of you honestly say that this sex-starved harlot is the perfect human being?"

"I am not a harlot!" Rarity shouted. "And... Um, one of your people flushed Rainbow Dash out the airlock before we could stop them. She's probably dead now."

"She's DEAD?"

The tall figure tugged at his hair in frustration.

"Ohh man, what the fuck? are you kidding me?"

"H-hah, I knew it! Rainbow is th-the worst human..."

"Fuck this! I demand a do-over!"

"Oh pleeease," the toothpastey girl rolled her eyes. "The experiment is O-V-E-R. Your ship was trash and not even canon anyway."

"Screw you!"

The tall figure collapsed onto the floor, weeping openly. Heaping pile of spaghetti began to fall out of his pockets.

"You plebs don't understand! Kara Thrace and Rainbow Dash were supposed to be *the* OTP! They.... Starbuck and Dash both love flying super fast, and..."

"Oh g-god, h-here we go again."

"There must be some kind of way out of here," muttered Rarity, clutching at her head.

"Ohhh, there is a way," cackled the tall figure. "Ohhh yes, there is a way out of here. I'll kill you, here and now, and you'll be out of my life for good."

"Uh, darling, I'm afraid I must object."

"First it was the Raridashfags, taking my Dashie away from the only true pairing in the universe--"

"I don't even know what that is!" Rarity protested.

"--And now it's the white harlot herself, taking Dashie's rightful place as the perfect human bean!"

The tall figure unsheathed his katana, eliciting frightened gasps from his peers.

"Nonny, seriously? A katana??"

"W-what the f-fuck?"

"You god damn hokey, that's MY katana!"

The tall figure disappeared in a puff of ninjutsu smoke, then reappeared behind Rarity.

"This is totally personnel, kid!"

Rarity raised her arms to protect her most precious body part -- Her face.

"No! Please, I'm too beautiful to die!"

As Rarity clenched her eyes shut, a radiant ball of light emanated out from her body, engulfing her.

"N-nani???"

"Applejack, help me---"

The light exploded outward in a thunderous boom.


- - -

"---Ahhh!"

Rarity jolted upright, her body slick with cold sweat.

A calloused hand rested gently on Rarity's shoulder, comforting her.

"Ya'll okay, sugarcube?"

Rarity blinked.

"Y-yes, I think. I was just fighting off a..."

Rarity looked around her.

Sandy beach, radiant sun, Rainbow Dash piling on another scoop of sand on Pinkie Pie's head, the rest of her friends some yards away playing with crabs for some reason--

It was peaceful.

Just like in her wildest dreams.

"Fightin' off what now?"

Rarity stared at her lover for a second, then smiled sweetly.

"Nothing, darling," Rarity wispered, meeting her befuddled lover's lips with a light peck. "It was just a terrible dream."