Part 3

"What a relationship is supposed to feel like"

Penny's words from earlier in the day resonated within your mind as you run your hand through the disheveled hair of the girl you were embracing. Her intermittent sobs the only sound breaking the silence between the two of you. Moments such as this shared with Merula were few and far between for two people who were supposed to be in a relationship. For every instance of affection there were several filled with conflict. You wanted to believe this night would serve as a catalyst for a healthy relationship with her, that this moment of tranquility was how a relationship was supposed to feel, but deep down you knew that would be misguided.

"Just promise you won't tell anyone.."

Your words from earlier in the day returned to your mind as memories of your transgression continued to haunt you. In a moment of weakness you indulged yourself in pleasure with someone other than the girl you pledged your love for. For everything Merula had put you through since you began dating her you surpassed all of her faults in a single instance. You thought to yourself about how your relationship with Penny was now irreparable. How would she act upon seeing you and Merula together during flying class? Especially after running away from her in Hogsmeade the way you did you feared she would be vengeful rather than remorseful. Above all, you knew your conscience would allow you live your actions down. As you looked down at the sobbing girl you mouthed out the words "I'm sorry" as you embraced her even tighter than before.

Taking a pause from her sobbing Merula looked up into your eyes, a visible tint of red in her violet eyes. "You know, I still don't understand just why you wanted to go out with me," she quietly asks you.

"I think any guy would want to go out with the strongest witch in all of Hogwarts wouldn't they?" you respond, playfully teasing her. You look down and see a small smile form on the witch's face as she tightened her hold on you. It felt as if time itself stood still, as in this very moment you wanted to believe everything was truly alright. Placing a small kiss on the witch's forehead, Merula finally let go and composed herself.

"Well I think I should head off to bed," she tells you as she wiped the remaining tears off of her face. "If I have to study for another minute I swear I'm going to fall asleep on my textbook."

"I'm not surprised, it has been a pretty long day hasn't it?" you respond.

"Tell me about it," Merula replies as she begins to gather her belongings. As she begins to walk towards the girl's dormitory she pauses and turns to you. "Again I'm sorry for everything today..I don't like it when we have days like these," she says quietly.

"You know I don't either," you reply as you walk towards the girl, giving her a hug good night.

Once Merula left your sight you walked toward the brown sofa located in the middle of the room. Visions of earlier in the day replaying itself in your mind as you made your way to the scene of your last fight. Surveying the area around you, all but a few fellow Slytherins remained in the common room. Judging by how empty the room had become you assumed it had to be well past midnight by now. Dropping yourself onto the seat with a sigh you stare at the crackling fire directly in front of you. The warmth lulling you into a slumber as you mentally prepared yourself for the next morning's flying class, fixated on the dancing flames in your vision. Leaning your head back you refused to fight your fatigue any longer, closing your eyes and losing yourself to sleep.

"You know they give us beds for a reason right?" you hear a voice say, waking you from your slumber. Groggily opening your eyes you realize the voice came from Merula.

"Well good morning," you say with a yawn, struggling to keep your eyes open you ask what time it was. There was no sunlight beaming through the emerald tinted room to give you an indication of just how long you've been out.

"It's time to get going if you don't want to be late for flying class," Merula replied sarcastically.

Your eyes shot wide open at the revelation, "Shit I slept in this late!?" you exclaim.

"Yeah you did. So get up and lets get going, I don't want to have to wait for you," the girl demanded.

You were disappointed, yet not surprised by her demeanor. Despite your parting words the night before, Merula seemed as rough around the edges as she always was. As you sat up from the seat you felt as if your stomach was in knots. Whether it was from the fact you hadn't eaten in a day, or if it was from the impending dread of having to face Penny you attempted to ignore your discomfort. Taking Merula's hand in yours, the two of you walked out the door to face the day. As you made your way through the sun stricken corridors, you felt the gaze of the students around you. Questioning whether or not Merula was oblivious to the fact, you pressed on.

Thinking to yourself you began to hypothesize what the other students were thinking as you walked hand in hand with the feisty young witch. "They're all probably as shocked as I am we're still together after yesterday," you thought to yourself, as you made your way to the castle grounds towards flying class. As you drew closer you wondered if Penny had already arrived.

"You know I'm going to summon my broom first try today," Merula stated snapping you out of your train of thought. "I'm sick of that clumsy little Gryffindor girl laughing at my failures."

"Well I believe in you," you replied reassuring her. "Just don't overthink it and just do what you did before to make it work."

"Don't you think thats what I do every time?" Merula replied sounding annoyed by your advice. "It's that stupid broom. Probably jinxed or something."

Without another word the two of you walked into the training ground. Immediately your eyes survey the area for the sight of the blonde haired girl. Casting your gaze to the corner of the group of students you felt your heart skip a beat as you see her talking to Rowan. As if she sensed your presence, Penny turned her head towards you and Merula, her blue eyes meeting yours. You notice a frown instantly forming on her face as she quickly looked away, back towards Rowan.

"Whats that look on your face for? You see a boggart or something?" Merula asks you suddenly. Her question takes you aback as you squeezed down on her hand, instantly tipping her off to what unsettled you.

Merula looked in the direction your head was facing and you notice that familiar scowl on her face form. "Why were you looking at that girl?" she angrily mutters to you.

Thinking quickly on your feet you respond, "Couldn't help but be reminded of our fight yesterday when I saw her."

Unsatisfied by your answer you feel Merula's nails digging into the back of your hand as she responds, "I swear if I find out something went on between the two of you.."

"Nothing happened between us. I promise," you reply back feeling sick to your stomach as the two of you joined the crowd of students for the start of class.

Madam Hooch's words failed to register in your mind as you attempted to avert your gaze towards Penny. You realized there was no way you would get any resolution to your transgression as long as Merula was in your presence. Any attempt to talk to her would be met with overwhelming disapproval from Merula. It was bad enough that she remained suspicious of your actions in the previous day, talking to Penny about the events of yesterday would be nothing less of suicidal. Coming to terms with the situation at hand, you concluded your best bet would be doing herbology class later in the day. Hearing that it was time for broom maintenance you make your way to your workstation. Joining Merula and Rowan, you notice Penny distancing herself from the three of you, setting up shop a few tables down.

"What's with Penny today?" Rowan asks you as you began to polish your broomstick. "She seemed really on edge about something all morning and it's not like her to be avoiding us."

"Maybe shes just stressed out about exams or something," you falsely hypothesized as you quickly tried to shift the conversation elsewhere seeing Merula slightly peeved at your response.

"Well we're her friends and we should see what's got her down right?" the dark haired boy responds.

"Yeah. Hey Rowan any recommendations on a better broomstick? I've been thinking about getting an upgrade." you ask him, desperately trying to get your friend to talk about any other topic.

"Oh definitely! I've been reading about what broomstick is most preferred by Quidditch players and...," Rowan continued to drone incessantly as you continue fixated on your current task, tuning out the wizard's voice. Applying polish onto your broomstick with the care of a master craftsman, your mind drifted back towards Merula.

Darting your eyes quickly at your girlfriend you instantly notice the scowl on her face. Between her silence and expression you began to mentally prepare yourself for yet another inevitable fight after class. At this point you figured even if you hadn't made out with Penny, Merula would still be upset with whatever explanation you gave her about the previous day. In fact, with her short temper anything that deviated from her definition of ideal would result in an argument of some sort. And you hated that realization. Despite her remorse, the girl sought conflict. Even in a time of tranquility you knew deep down it was only a matter of time until she was in your face about some matter.

"Have you heard anything I said?" Rowan's voice quickly snapping you out of your train of thought, jolting you up.

"Yeah, I was just trying to make sure I didn't miss a spot," you reply halfheartedly, returning to your work under the morning sun for the remainder of the lesson.

Once class concluded Merula gathered her things and quickly attempted to make her way out of the training ground. Leaving Penny as an afterthought you gave chase to your lover, weaving in and out of groups of your classmates.

"Hey wait up!" you call out to the young witch.

Merula stops in her tracks to turn and face you, fists clenched with her violet eyes glaring at you as they did that previous evening. "Oh you were wanting to walk back with me?" she asks sarcastically. "Don't you have to comfort that stupid bitch?"

"No I don't." you reply, unable to hide the annoyance in your voice from yet another fight with Merula.

"Are you upset? Don't let me stop you from spending another day at Hogsmeade with her," the girl retorts.

With her words something within you snapped. Whether it was from sheer stress or unable to tolerate another argument you felt the blood within you boiling. "Enough!" you shouted at the girl for the first time since you began dating. Merula's eyes widened as you could no longer contain your frustrations.

"I'm here right now because I want to be with you," you firmly state. "And I'm tired of you doing this. You told me last night you didn't like it when we argue and yet here we are again."

"Well if you're so tired of it why don't you just date that bitch instead?" Merula replies back, her fists visibly shaking from clenching them with all her might.

"Because I'm trying my hardest to make this work, and I love you not Penny!" you snapped at her. Unaware of the growing group of students forming behind you witnessing the scene unfold. "Why can't you do the same Merula?"

With your question Merula stood there dumbfounded. The look of anger on her face turning into sorrow as she struggled to come up with an appropriate response. "Because I don't know how!" she finally screams at you, turning away and running back towards the castle.

"Merula!" you immediately call out to the fleeing girl, once more attempting to catch up with her, leaving behind the crowd of shocked spectators. Dodging student after student you race down the corridor, with your speed you managed to reach her just in front of the Herbology classroom, grabbing her from behind as Merula falls to her knees out of breath down onto the stone pathway.

"Let go of me!" she cries out with a sob, attempting to strike you in vain repeatedly with backward fists.

"What do you mean you don't know how?" you ask her, ignoring the few blows to the chest which connected. Any sense of anger washed out from within you as you attempted to comfort the girl.

"I don't know how to make this work," she replies sobbing even harder than earlier before. "I don't understand how any of this relationship stuff is supposed to work."

Her confession cuts deep within you as you continue to hold Merula. Never in your life had you seen her this fragile, a vast contrast to the girl who was screaming at you just moments prior. "Come on," you whisper to her, gently guiding her to her feet. Merula buries her face into her hands as you lead her towards a stone bench out of sight from the passing students in the corridor.

"Why haven't you told me this sooner?" you ask Merula, the young witch refusing to look you in the eye as she continues to sob.

"Because.."

"Because why Merula?" you ask again, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Because I'm supposed to be the strongest, I'm supposed to be the best. Why would I want to admit this is yet another thing you're better at me at?" she explains. Her sobs becoming more intermittent as she dabs at her eyes with her sleeve.

It all made sense to you now. Merula saw your relationship as another competition. The fights, her anger, all of this was her way of making herself believe that you were the flawed one in the relationship. You bite down on your lip as you feel your free hand balling into a fist. Her confession angered you, and you were even more furious with yourself.

"This is all my fault," you thought to yourself. Since you've started dating Merula, never once had you reciprocated her anger with your own. You've always taken the high road, apologizing even when you believed you've done nothing wrong. You realize now you've done nothing but encourage her anger and insecurities. Above all, you realize you could have avoided this whole situation with Penny had you not shown some backbone sooner. It was a bitter price to pay for foolishly thinking this was how to keep your relationship together.

With a deep sigh you finally respond to Merula. "You know a relationship isn't a competition Merula," you explained to her. "And this isn't like when we met four years ago where you had to prove you were better than me at everything. I'm your boyfriend, not your rival Merula."

"I'm sorry," she whispers, still refusing to meet you in the eyes.

"Look, we both make mistakes and we both know our relationship isn't perfect by any means. But, fighting with one another constantly isn't going to make anything better. You told me just last night you don't like it when we have days where we fight didn't you?" You ask Merula as you run a hand slowly through her messy hair.

"I did say that," Merula responds. "And I want us to work. It's just all of this is so strange to me still I don't know how to feel sometimes."

"Well a good place to start is to stop pushing me away. Like why does Penny upset you so much?" you ask her.

You feel Merula tense up as she struggles to speak. For once, the mention of the blonde girls name didn't illicit a look of anger. Rather, a look of shame adorned her face. With closed eyes she turned away, giving you a clear look of the black streaks of running eyeshadow on her cheek.

"I hate her because she makes you happy," she whispers. "I hate how she can make you smile and laugh unlike I can and I hate how everyone wonders how you aren't dating her instead," she continued, her voice barely audible.

Her confession made you completely disgusted with yourself. Knowing that her greatest fear is your darkest secret. For a girl filled with insecurities, no wonder why she felt threatened by Penny's presence. Every moment of happiness Penny provided you must have felt like a blow to the stomach to Merula. You knew you couldn't change the past and undo your actions, but now was your chance to build on something with your girlfriend. It was time to stop making mistakes. You looked at the broken girl in front of you and pulled her in for a hug, holding her tight.

"You do make me happy Merula. When we aren't fighting I'm the happiest guy in the world knowing I have a girl like you," you whispered to her. "I'm not going to tell you that Penny isn't my friend, but I'm in love with you, not her," you reassured Merula, her head resting on your chest.

"I love you too," she replies quietly. Her arms wrapping around you holding you as close as you held her.

"I know we're going to have arguments again. But from now on I want us to work things out rather than letting things blow up like they have so many times before. We're in this together Merula, I want you to remember that."

"I'll try my best. I really will," Merula answered back. Still clutching onto you tightly as she looks up into your eyes.

Running your hand through her hair once more, you look into her big violet eyes as you draw in for a kiss. Closing your eyes as her soft lips met yours, wishing that the moment would never end. With a newfound understanding between you and your girlfriend you knew you still had to address the situation with Penny. And while that time would come later on in the day, in this moment nothing else mattered but the young witch in front of you.

"So this is what a relationship should feel like..." you thought to yourself, as you place your lips on Merula's once more, feeling all of Hogwarts fade away around you.