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Ask Amy: Adoptee finds birth family, encounters denial

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Jul 5th, 2018
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  18. Life & Style /Ask Amy by Amy Dickinson
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  22. Ask Amy: Adoptee finds birth family, encounters denial
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  26. Amy DickinsonBy Amy Dickinson•Contact Reporter
  27. Ask Amy
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  29. SHARE THIS
  30. If you are doing this to punish your birth mother, it would be a huge mistake
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  32. January 5, 2015
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  36. Dear Amy:I am a female adoptee in my 40s. I was raised by a great family but was always curious about my roots.
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  38. In my 20s I was able to reach out anonymously to my birth mother through the adoption agency, but she refused to have any contact with me.
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  59. Recently the same agency located my birth father, who was very excited about meeting me.
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  61. He and I have now worked out a friendly relationship, which has been hugely beneficial for me. Within this budding relationship he has revealed the name of my birth mother. Of course I easily found her on social media, along with a slew of pictures and identities of my half-siblings on her side.
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  66. I went ahead and called her, knowing it was risky, but at the same time I truly was motivated to do it no matter what the outcome.
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  68. Even with my gentle approach, she actually denied ever having a baby and giving it up for adoption. She said she had never heard of my birth father. This was disappointing but I know I definitely had the right person.
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  70. I am OK with leaving this woman alone now. However, now I would like to contact my half-siblings. They probably don't know anything about me, as I'm sure it has been a huge family secret. But I would like to at least try to meet them!
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  72. Would you advise me to reach out directly to them? I realize this could potentially hurt my birth mother's relationship with them, but protecting her and her feelings is not my main priority at this point.
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  76. —Curious
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  78. Dear Curious:It seems likely that you will choose to contact any birth relatives you encounter. It is absolutely your right to do this, and certainly it could be beneficial for you to act on your strong desire to do this.
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  80. I urge you to be gentle and sensitive to others' feelings when you make this attempt. If you are doing this to somehow punish your birth mother for surrendering and then denying you, it would be a huge mistake. This woman gave you life and also a happy childhood with a wonderful adoptive family. You needn't be grateful, but at least try to understand and respect her choice.
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  82. This should be done with the help of a professional counselor. You may be naive about the potential impact on you. If your birth mother denies you, then be prepared for a full spectrum of reactions from other relatives, including the possibility of more denial and/or anger.
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  86. Dear Amy:I need to respond to letters and responses from you about the use of marijuana.
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  88. My husband and I have smoked pot since we were teenagers. We're both 60 years old now. We've raised two non-pot-smoking, hardworking boys. We didn't hide our marijuana smoking from them and they've never tried it — or any other drug.
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  90. —Tokers
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  92. Dear Tokers:There is no question in my mind that some people are able to use marijuana recreationally and not bear appreciable negative consequences. As with alcohol and other potentially addictive substances, it would be incredibly helpful to know in advance how an individual will react.
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  94. It is possible that your sons have chosen not to smoke because of — not in spite of — their parents' pot habit. It would be interesting to hear from them to see how your choices have influenced theirs.
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  96. Dear Amy:Were you dipping into the eggnog before writing your response to "Tightrope Walker"?
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  98. First off, she is a wimp for not backing out of the gift exchange. Suggesting that she bake a batch of gingerbread men, "decorated to look like the recipient," is some of the worst advice EVER.
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  100. Can you imagine the scene: She receives a gift worth $100? Then, her recipient, who may have been the one to pay $100 on her gift, gets COOKIES? It would be a story told at Christmas for the next 50 years. "Remember that cheapskate who baked you gingerbread men after you spent $100 on that espresso machine? What a loser!"
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  102. —Christy
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  104. Dear Christy:Clearly you and I represent different traditions.Yours is the one with a mean side.
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  123. Copyright © 2018, Chicago Tribune
  124. This article is related to: Adoption,
  125. Chicago Tribune Columnists
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  129. Missing comments? We’ve turned off comments across chicagotribune.com while we review our commenting platform and consider ways to improve the system. If you purchased points through the Solid Opinion platform and would like a refund, please let us know at [email protected].
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