i feel sad
I'm tired, mentally, physically and emotionally
Ariana screwed me over by abusing my trust and its hard to trust anyone right now
I dont know who to trust, who I can go to with things and Its making me feel like complete shit.
Word for how i'm feeling? Depressed, I guess. I usually dont get depressed anymore, but since I know that
Storm talks about everything I tell him behind my back to people and makes me sound rediculous i can't
talk to him. Steven is there for me but has too many problems himself and after what happened i can't really give him my full trust either... Friends just aren't close like they used to be... it sucks. Then, now when I have the oppertunity to get close to someone I just back off a bit. Like right now... Backing away from everyone, as a... reflex-like response... I dont know how long it will last...

No, I'm not upset about Ariana and her idiocity. She's a freshman and is stupid for believing a total stoner that "he doesn't smoke pot anymore." Yeah, that's why he hangs out with only pot heads.

Reason it doesn't bother me is because I'm honest about everything, he's not, I'm better than him for being true to others and myself, and if she can't see isn't true to me or herself, so I could care less.

Problem is, I can't remove myself from Ariana completely anymore because Luke somehow is in contact with Bailey and Ariana all the time. Yeah, they're taking advantage of him, and I don't know how to tell him that. He's Bailey's bitch and he does everything she says. Stopped drinking Mtn. Dew, told off a girl in a terrible way (Kayla), and didn't think anything of it. Which leads to more confusion...

Kayla. Kayla seems like a nice person, yeah she lies, but after talking to her for a while it seems to come from a low self-esteem which gives her jealous rage towards people, indluding me at one point. She confuses the hell out of me. At one point she hits one me, then Luke, and calls me a liar. Now she cares a lot about what ariana did and wants the best for me. /weird...

Freshmen - think they know high school from movies and decide thats the way things are going to be. DRAMA. They dont know what they want, they change their minds about everything


To summarize, no trust, can't get close to anyone at the moment, I'm super quiet, can't help that, just drown myself in music, i guess. I also can't trust very many people... no one, completely, even though I want to...

thats all I could get out right now... I'm confused about most of it and wish I could just erase it all from my life. I didnt talk to Bailey today, and probably said a total of 30 words to Ariana, total today... maybe less. I dont know. It wasn't a lot. I'm happy about that, but that kills the chance to allow me to know what luke is up to because he doesn't talk to me anymore. Yeah, he asked me whats wrong which is nice of him, but I can't trust him because he ends up telling his mom who tells my dad.

"Brain vomiting" all of this out so its in no way organized...

My mom - I now consider my relationship with my mom bad. Yeah, she wants whats best for me, and just tries to find out whats going on in my life. Yes, sometimes I tell her, but then she just makes a comment that makes me feel bad. I guess, i could suck it up but its just not worth it. She grew up in germany which is a completely different society. Start getting wasted every night and partying at age 14, which she tells me about all the time. "I was able to go out and party till 2am and still wake up in time to make it to work/school at 5am"

its not summer - I want freedom to do whatever the hell I want...

no license - I dont have my license, but to be able to pay for gas and insurance I need a job... the never ending loop

Life is slowly spiraling into repeat mode. And I think this will whole situation will get me out of it. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm gonna own it :D

nowplaying: Bye Friend by Deadmau5

some of the feelings I have come and go. I think I can control them, I just need to figure them all out. /can't express feelings well... :(


I dont know what else to write...
Only more things that confuse me, I guess. Ugh..

Shower