A few regrets

> “Hey Lupa. I'm going to the store you wanna come with?”
> “You're a big boy, you'll manage by yourself.” She bothers to look at him.
> “Okay. Well while I’m out I can get you a new sketchbook. I noticed you were on the last couple of pages of your-”
> “Already bought a new one.” Lincoln stood there for a minute trying to think of something else to say.
> “Having trouble coming up with a new excuse?”
> Lincoln just sighed and sat next to Lupa. “What happened to us?”
> “Lying for 10 years that your my uncle is a good start.”
> “Is that what this is about? But can't we just get past-”
> “There are no butts here. You lied, you came back, and now you're on damage control.”
> “Christ, Lupa. I’m trying! I’m here and want to make up for the time. I don't expect you to just forgive me.” Lincoln put a hand on her head. “I just want to be a dad.”
> She slapped it away.
> "How about you go fuck one of your sisters to feel better.”
> “That's it! I’m sick of this attitude! What is your problem? what the hell do I have to do to get on your good side.”
> Lupa turned off the tv and sat up looking her father right in the eye.
> “I want you to say you regret it.?
> “W-What?”
> “I want to say that you regret what you did.”
> “Lupa, what are you talki-”
> “Fucking your sister!” Lincoln was at lost for words “But you didn’t stop there, you fucked one and then you had to fuck another, and then another, but hey! Look on the bright side, you didn’t fuck the baby!”
> “That's enough!” Lincoln tried to stomp his foot down but it didn’t even scare her a bit.
> “Oh no, you wanted this talk, so let's get down and dirty with this shit, let's start from the beginning, Were you actually raped by aunt Lori or did you just get her drunk?”

> “How dare you.”
> “C'mon don't act innocent, you just got into the habit with your big sister and worked your way down the list.”
> “You don't know anything!”
> “I know I’m looking at a man with dozen children. Who left then came back lied to their faces and took 2 decades to grow a backbone."
> “Yes! I know i've made mistakes-”
> “10 times is not a mistake, its a pattern.”
> “I didn’t ask to have kids!” He wanted to take back those words, He expected Lupa to look disappointed when he said, but looking at her now, she expected him to say it. “I mean… I wanted A kid eventually. I thought I would make for a decent dad. Listen to their problems, spend as much time as I could with them, support their dreams. The only difference being I thought I'd be 30 when I had a kid, not when I was 14.”
> He waited for some smart remark, but she just sat there listening. Watching him.
> “I was scared the day I found out Lori was pregnant. Because I knew. And she knew.” He felt sick back to that day. “You want to know what else I felt? Sick. Sad. And Angry.” Lincoln stood up pacing in front of the couch. “Thinking to myself how the hell did this happen? Why the hell did this happen? All I wanted was to do was help my sister drink away the pain after breaking up with her fiance for the umpteenth time!”
> He couldn’t stop himself at that point.
> “We did it. All in the heat of the moment. I don't know if I wanted it, or maybe she took advantage of me. Everyone believes what they want to believe about that night. Hell, I was there and I don't even know what I believe.”
> Lincoln sat back down. Staring at his feet.
> “You know your Aunt Lori asked me if she should get an abortion. Like I had the answer? We could have claimed it was a miscarriage and she could try again with Bobby... I don't know why I said no? But the day I held your sister in my arms. I knew it all worked out for the best.”
> “This is the best?”

> “I mean it was a nice story. The thrilling tale of a well-meaning boy pegging his big sister, finding a moment of happiness with his Lil' abomination.”
> “Don't talk about your sister like that.”
> “Which one? I could be talking about myself. Your Little freaks of nature.”
> “No!” He hugged her. “You're my little girl, and I never want to hear you say that about yourself.” She pushed him away.
> “God! You're so damn delusional! Here’s the reality check, we're not normal! We don't get to be normal. Because we didn’t have a normal birth or live in a normal home. Just because really you want it to be like that won't make it one.”
> “And what wrong with that?”
> “Because its stupid! You're stupid! You're just pretending everything's fine!”
> “I know it isn’t!” He yelled back but calmed down. "Lupa what did you mean by “You want me to regret it?”
> “You need to say that you regret having us.”
> “Why would I say that! I would never say that!” He meant it.
> “Yeah, I know. And that's what pisses me off. Because you just keep acting-”
> “Fine! I regret it.” Lupa stopped. “I regret putting you through this. Putting you all through this.”
> “Little late for that.” She said under her breath.
> “I know. I usually plan things out better than this. But I guess, as usual, it didn’t work out like I thought it would.” Lincoln wanted to try and put a hand on her shoulder but gave up halfway through. “But I did want to be a dad, this just isn’t how I thought I’d get to be one.
> Lincoln felt a small pat on the back. Lincoln looked to see Lupa getting off the couch.
> “Well at least you admitted it.” She wondered off toward kitchen before saying “Now you just gotta learn to live with it.”
> He did have regrets, things he wished he could change. Thinking of a better life he could have lived. Maybe something somewhat normal.
> But without them, it didn’t seem right.
> “I’ll manage.”