Norman and Brad

Jun 7th, 2013
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  1. >"Gee Brad, what are we going to do tonight?"
  2. >"The same thing we do every night, Norman. Try to >rape the whole world!"
  3. >They're Norman and the Brad!
  4. >Yes, Norman and the Brad!
  5. >One is a rapist!
  6. >The other a ra-cist!
  7. >They're just high-school guys!
  8. >Their jeans hav been diced!
  9. >They're Norman
  10. >They're Norman and the Brad
  11. >Brad (x7)
  12. >BRAD!
  13. >Before the night is done!
  14. >Their pants will be unfurled
  15. >And by the dawning of the sun
  16. >They'll rape all the ni-ggers
  17. >They're Norman and the Brad
  18. >Yes, Norman and the Brad
  19. >Twilight's campaign, is easy to explain
  20. >To stop these two madmen
  21. >She'll get out of the kitchen
  22. >They're Norman
  23. >They're Norman and the Brad
  24. >Brad (x7)
  25. >"BRADICAL!"
  27. Steven Spielberg presents:
  28. Norman and the Brad
  31. (Scene: An apartment common room Enter Norman through the front door)
  32. Norman: I'm home....Brad? Brad, you here?
  33. (Goes to the couch and sees a girl passed out, bound and gagged on it. Norman proceeds to move her enough sp that he can sit down)
  34. Norman: I wish he would stop bringing his work home with him.
  35. (Enter Brad sliding through the front door much like Kramer)
  36. Brad: Bradical!!!
  37. (Audience laughter and applause)
  39. Norman: There you are! And where, pray tell, have you been?
  40. Brad: Just out getting some air, I’ve had a busy day today.
  41. Norman:(Looking at the girl on the couch) I can tell...
  42. Brad: (Noticing the girl) Ah, about that, Norman allow me to introduce you to Sunset Shimmer.
  43. Norman:(Takes her hand, which is rather limp due to being knocked out, and shakes it) Charmed, I’m sure...(lets it drop back to the couch with an audible “thud”). (Laughter) Listen, Brad..we need to talk, we can’t have you bringing these girls home with you.
  44. Brad: (surprised) But I don’t complain when you bring Twilight over.
  45. Norman: The difference is I don’t invite Twilight over, she just comes over with no care for my own free will.
  46. Brad: Well thats not too different than what I do then.
  47. Norman: How can you possibly justify that?
  48. Brad: I never invite these girls over and bring them here with no care for their own free will. (laughter)
  49. Norman: Still, I just can’t live in the same apartment with you if all you are ever going to do is bring girls over and rape them. I just can’t continue to do it with good conscience.
  50. Brad: Well when you put it that way....I guess I can let you in on my new plan.
  51. Norman: Oh God....
  53. Brad: Think of it, Norm! You and me go into business together....
  54. Norman: What could we possibly do together.
  55. Brad: Curtain salesmen.
  56. Norman: I beg your pardon?
  57. Brad: We go door to door selling curtains. We meet the lady of the house. We get invited in, you do all the fancy stuff, you know, act like you’re taking measurements and all. Meanwhile, I give her the D....
  58. Norman: no no.
  59. Brad: What, I give her the drapes....
  60. Norman: Oh...oh well thats not so bad then. I’m proud of you, you really wanna go on the straight and narro...
  61. Brad: (Interrupting) The d is silent. (Laughter)
  62. Norman: I deplore you....
  63. Brad: (Picking up Sunset Shimmer, heads toward his room) Tell you what, I’ll let you think about it.
  64. Norman: Where are you going?
  65. Brad: To see if the drapes match the carpet. (Laughter)
  66. (End of Scene 1)
  68. (Scene 2: Brad and Norman are standing outside the door to a house. Both are wearing white coveralls and are carrying toolboxes. They look like a couple of handymen)
  69. Brad: Listen, let me do all the talking, you just take care of the measurements and all.
  70. Norman: Yeah yeah. Just remember: I’m only doing this so you stop doing ungodly things in our apartment.
  71. Brad: Bradical! (Norman cringes a bit at this. Audience Laughter) Lets get started then!
  72. (Knocks on the door. It is answered by a girl around the same age as Brad and Norman. She has teal colored skin and is wearing a shirt with a tennis ball on it.)
  73. Lyra: Can I help you.
  74. Brad: Hello miss, are you the lady of the house?
  75. Lyra: Well, yes, my roommate is out right now so I guess I am.
  76. Brad: Well we are from R & R Curtain service. We sell curtains door to door and we we’re wondering if we could come in and show you some of our wares Miss...
  77. Lyra: (Holding out hand) It’s Lyra.
  78. Brad: Lyra...Lyra, a beautiful name (shoots her a smile that may or may not have a special effects shine and “ting” sfx added to it).
  79. Lyra: Thank you. Well, our curtains are a little drab and could use and update, please come in. I’ll make some tea.
  80. (all enter the house as Lyra goes into the kitchen)
  81. Norman: R&R Curtain Service?
  82. Brad: Yeah, Racist and Rapist.
  83. Norman: (Whispering in a loud and agitated manner) I am not a racist, I am a melting pot of friendship. (Laughter)
  85. Brad: Yeah well, until we use up these 250 business cards I got for free, we are R&R.
  86. Norman: Wow, the rate you go that means we will have to wait a whole week. (laughter)
  87. Brad: Whatever, just get to work and start measuring the windows.
  88. Norman: (Pulling out tools) Alright, alright.
  89. Lyra: (From the kitchen) Do you have any curtains with horses or ponies on them.
  90. Brad: Sorry?
  91. Lyra: Horses or ponies...I LOVE them!!!
  92. Brad: Ah...well if you come in here and look at some of these swatches, I am sure you will find something you love.
  93. (Lyra enter with the tea and begins thumbing through swatch books Brad has put out on the dining room table)
  94. Lyra: These are nice.
  95. Brad: Only the best quality from R&R. (his back is to the camera but we see him pulling out a bottle of something from his tool box)
  96. Lyra: None with horses though.
  97. Brad: (Comes up behind her with a piece of fabric it has horses on it) What about this one. (He holds it in front of her).
  98. Lyra: Oh! Thats Perfec....
  99. (Brad puts the fabric over her mouth and nose and knocks her out. He hefts her like a bag of potatoes and carries her toward her room)
  100. Brad: Be out in a few hour Norman.
  101. Norman: Oh god, what are you going to do.
  102. Brad: Well, she likes ponies...might as well give her a ride and make her a little hoarse. (Laughter)
  103. (Door closes, Norman sits on the couch)
  104. Norman: Welp, may as well see if they get HBO. (Laughter)
  105. (End of Scene)
  107. (Scene 3) (we come up on the interior of Brad and Norman apartment, running footsteps are getting closer from down the hall. The two explode into their common room slamming and locking the door. They are still dressed as before and carrying the tools but both look disheveled and out of breath from running)
  108. Norman: What the hell, man!!!
  109. Brad: That was totally Bradical!
  110. Norman: (cringing. laughter) What happened.
  111. Brad: Well, I wasn’t expecting her roommate to come home...or at all for that matter. What happened to the plan, Norman?
  112. Norman: Plan!? What Plan?!? Our plan consisted of go in, me looking busy, and you doing unspeakable acts. It never included what to do if some girls roommat...
  113. Brad: Lover...
  114. Norman: Lover came home in the midd....Lover!? (laughter)
  115. Brad: Yeah, turns out those two bat for the other team....
  116. Norman: Damn!
  117. Brad: Oh yeah! (laughter) Anyways, the least you could have done was warn me.
  118. Norman: Sorry...I was really into this episode of Band of Brothers and I didn’t hear her come in...
  119. Brad: Yeah, but you should have learned from the series that you don’t let your brothers get stuck in a dangerous situation.
  120. Norman: But the 101st airborne wasn’t running around raping everything in site.
  121. Brad: Tell that to the wehrmacht circa 1945...(Laughter).
  122. (There is a knock at the door and both men tense up.)
  123. Norman: Shit...the over man, game over.
  124. Brad: Calm down, calm down...we didn’t leave any evidence, let me check the peephole (looks through) Shit!
  125. Norman: The cops!?
  126. Brad: No....Harshwhinny, the landlord!
  127. Norman: Thats even worse! (Laughter)
  129. Brad: What could she want?
  130. Norman: Its the first of the month....probably the rent.
  131. Brad: Fine, so we give her the rent and she leaves.
  132. Norman: Oh, you mean the rent we were supposed to make at real jobs as opposed to opening a fake curtain business to cover your rape.
  133. Brad: Man...the police would be a better alternative...(laughter) Alright let her in and keep her busy, I will think of something.
  134. (Norman opens the door. Enter Harshwhinny, a middleaged women. Very strict, there is some beauty to her but she is kind of the epitome of an old-maid type character)
  135. Harshwhinny: Norman.....I’ve come for the rent.
  136. Norman: Oh yes...of course you have, what with it being the first of the month and all.
  137. Harshwhinny: And where is Brad?
  138. Norman (Nervous): Brad....Out...he went out, you know him, always out and about.
  139. (Brad has reappeared and is sneaking up on Harshwhinny. Norman notices and watches him over her shoulder. She notices and starts to turn.)
  140. Norman: (Panicking, he grabs Harshwhinny and kisses her deeply in an attempt to distract her)
  141. (He lets go just in time for Brad to knock her out with some chloroform)
  142. Brad: I didn’t think you had it in you....maybe I should start making racial slurs and we can switch names on the business card.
  143. Norman: I need a drink...(notices Brad carrying Harshwhinny toward his room) What are you doing?
  144. Brad: Rent Control.... (Laughter).
  145. (End of Scene)
  147. -----------------------------------------------------------
  149. Episode 2 (Scene 1: Open into Brad and Norman’s apartment. We see Norman at the sink cleaning the dishes. There is something odd about him, he is happily humming to himself and swaying back and forth while washing the dishes. Enter Brad doing the Kramer slide out of the door to his room. He looks flushed, as though he has just exerted a lot of energy.)
  150. Brad: That...was...Bradical!!! (Laughter) (Notices that Norman doesn’t cringe but goes on humming) Hey Norm, what’s got you in such a good mood?
  151. Norman: Something great happened to me.
  152. Brad: I can tell, you didn’t even get mad when I brought that orange haired gardener girl home with me. (Laughter)
  153. Norman: (In a somewhat dreamy voice) I have a date with the Aryan Beauty tomorrow!
  154. Brad: The Aryan Beauty??? You mean Rarity, like girl next door Rarity?
  155. Norman: (Dreamily) Yeah...the Aryan Beauty. (Laughter)
  156. Brad: Good for you, but you know you should probably call her by her real name. Otherwise more people might think you are a racist.
  157. Norman: (Still dreamily) I’m not a racist, I’m a melting pot of friendship. (Laughter).
  158. (Brad rolls his eyes and begins to walk away when there is a knock at the door)
  159. Brad: I’ll get it, I wouldn’t want you getting lost walking on clouds to get over here. (Laughter)
  160. (He looks through the peephole and visibly tenses up.)
  161. Brad: It’s Harshwhinny....we still haven’t paid the rent. (This causes Norman to snap out of it).
  162. Norman: Crap...she’s really gonna throw us out this time.
  163. Brad: Should I get my stuff?
  164. Norman: In emergencies such as this, who am I to judge. (Laughter)
  165. (Brad rushes to his room while Norman opens the door. Enter Harshwhinny. There is something different about her. She seemingly has a spring in her step. She is dressed more like a young woman in her twenties would. The conservative character of before is gone, this is a new woman)
  167. Harshwhinny: (Batting her eyelashes) Hello Norman!
  168. Norman: Oh, hello Miss Harshwhinny, lovely weather we're having isn’t it?
  169. Harshwhinny: (Breathily) It certainly is LOVEly...
  170. Norman: Listen....about the rent, if you could give Brad and I another wee...(Harshwhinny puts a finger to his lips) (Brad walks in to see this transpiring and nearly drops his chloroform (laughter)
  171. Harshwhinny: Now now Norman....I think there is another way we could settle the rent...
  172. Norman: (Backing up against a wall while she pushes forward, his voice cracks a little) You do?
  173. Harshwhinny: Oh yes, I was thinking, after you showed how you really felt about me, maybe you would want to go get some dinner with me buy, and we call the rent even...
  174. (Norman’s sees Brad behind her, up until this point, Brad was ready to knock her out, but now he has lowered the rag and is nodding to Norman.)
  175. Norman: (Confused if not a bit scared) I...I guess that would work.
  176. Harshwhinny: Grand, I’ll see you tomorrow, Norman. (She turns and sees Brad who is now using the rag to clean the countertop and look busy) Hello Brad.
  177. Brad: Hello, M’am. (She Exits)
  178. Norman: (Sitting on the couch, head in hands) I never should have kissed her.
  179. Brad: I’ve said that if you’ll excuse me, I have to sow the seeds in my room. (laughter) End of scene.
  181. (Scene 2: A Nice restaurant: A very Nervous Norman is seen sitting at a table...he is kind of in shock...we zoom in on his face and as we zoom out, we see him on the couch as part of a flashback)
  182. Norman: What am I going to do...I told Aryan Beauty I would go out to dinner with her tomorrow.
  183. Brad: (Sitting next to him, puts his arm around his shoulder) Calm down, we will find a way to get through this.
  184. Norman: How, pray tell, do we do that?
  185. Brad: go to two restaurants next door to each other and excuse yourself to the bathroom at one next door to the other for five minutes, then do the same to just keep alternating through the night.
  186. Norman: What do you think this is, some sort of sitcom. (Both stare directly at the camera) (Laughter) (They snap back into arguing)
  187. Brad: Well, do you have anything better?
  188. Norman: No...(realization) Shoot! Brad...can I ask you a favor?
  189. Brad: Sure.
  190. Norman: Well, Aryan Beauty and I....
  191. Brad: Rarity...
  192. Norman: Rarity and I are still planning on going out but she needs someone to take care of her sister while we are on our date.
  193. Brad: You mean Sweetie Belle?
  194. Norman: Yeah.
  195. Brad: (Surprisingly loud as he loses his cool) Hell no!
  197. Norman: Eh....what is it with you and Sweetie Belle. You basically babysat her and her friends at Blue’s house that one time....
  198. Brad: (Has a one thousand yard stare as he thinks back to that night) You weren’t there man! (Laughter)
  199. Norman: You wanna talk about it?
  200. Brad: No! (snaps his fingers) I got it...remember that time with Miss Christy, the counselor?
  201. Norman: You mean that time you dressed up as me and raped her?
  202. Brad: Yeah!
  203. Norman: and then the cops took me away and held me without bail because they didn’t understand DNA testing and even when they did, they only let me go because I didn’t match a mysterious DNA that they couldn’t trace.
  204. Brad: (Excitingly nodding)
  205. Norman: (Angrily) No....can’t say I remember that at all! (laughter) What about it?
  206. Brad: I pose as you and take out Harshwhinny while you go out with Rarity.
  207. Norman: That....that might actually work....I...I may have to forgive you for all you’ve done.
  208. Brad: Bradical!
  209. Norman: (Cringes) (Laughter)
  210. Brad: It will totally work Norman....Norman...(dissolve back to restaurant)
  211. Rarity: Norman....hello....Norman
  212. Norman: (Snaps to attention) Oh...hello
  213. (End of Scene)
  215. (Scene 3: Still at the restaurant. We see Norman with Rarity. She is an absolutely beautiful girl. Truly a vision of beauty in a white summer dress with three diamonds sewn near the bottom hem. It really makes one wonder how Norman could even score a date with her. The two are finishing dinner and are chuckling at a joke Norman just made)
  216. Rarity: Oh Norman, you are a card. I am so happy Applejack agreed to take care of Sweetie Belle and the Girls tonight. I would have hated to have had to cancel our time together. Its a shame Brad came up ill though, Sweetie really wanted to spend time with him for some reason.
  217. Norman: Yes...its truly a tragedy. Horrible things seem to befall him. (Inner voice over:Like going out with Harshwhinny) (Laughter). Would you like more wine? I’m sorry I kind of had to go cheaper than what you're used to.
  218. Rarity: Nonsense Norman, it is wonderful to be out with you like this. (She holds up her glass as Norman starts to fill it. Thats when he gets a surprised look on his face. Looking over Rarity’s shoulder he sees himself sitting and facing him. Harshwhinny, in a low cut black dress has her back to him. The two make eye contact making the exact same surprised expression, it is like looking in a mirror (laughter))
  219. Rarity: Careful Norman, you nearly filled my glass to the brim.
  220. Norman: Snaps out of it....oh...sorry.
  221. Rarity: Its quite alright, but it would seem you really wish for me to drink a bit tonight, I assure, I’m not that easy. (The two laugh, although Norman’s is a bit more nervous. Rarity raises her glass) To us?
  222. Norman: To us! (They clink the glasses. In an attempt to calm his nerves downs his glass in one go. He sees Brad get up and nod toward the bathroom.) Ah...if you’ll excuse me a second.
  223. Rarity: Of course!
  225. (Norman gets up to go to the bathroom, the camera changes to Harshwhinny who is seen dropping something into her date’s wine. Norman enters the bathroom but Brad is nowhere to be found. The bathroom is rather odd with a sink in the middle of the floor. It is two sided allowing for many people to washup at once. He looks down and splashes water on his face. As he does so a toilet his heard flushing. When Norman looks up he sees himself in the “mirror.” (Youtube "Marx Bros Mirror Routine) basically follows) (Laughter)
  226. Norman: Brad! What are you doing here.
  227. Brad: I got screwed up and thought you were at the place next door.
  228. Norman: Well...I’m not! (Laughter)
  229. Brad: Norman..Relax....we will get through this.
  230. Norman: really do look like me. The cops must only arrest good looking guys....guess we know why they never got you...(Laughter)
  231. Brad: Very funny...tell you what, you head out first....then I’ll go back to Harshwhinny and get out of here before you and Rarity head to the exit to see that movie.
  232. Norman: to leave) oh...and Brad...
  233. Brad: Yeah?
  234. Norman: (Quick Bro Hug) Thanks for this. (Audience:Awww)
  235. Brad: Go get her.
  236. Norman: (Walks out and immediately proceeds to get lost, he wanders a bit) Damn it! (Keeps wandering until...)
  237. Harshwhinny: Yoo Hoo! Norman, over here...
  238. Norman: Double Damn it! (Laughter) Hey....(sits down with her)
  240. Harshwhinny:...I was worried about you, you took a while in there. Here, have some wine and then we can go out to the movie.
  241. Norman: (Inner Dialogue: Damn it Brad, you were going to take her to the same idiot....I take back that Bro Hug!) (Laughter) You know....maybe we should skip the something else instead.
  242. Harshwhinny: (Putting her hand on Normans. In a seductive voice) I like the way you think. Now, how about that wine.
  243. (Brad comes out and starts toward the table and is seen by Rarity. She waves to him and he waves back and almost walks by, forgetting his character until he sees a visibly freaked out Norman. Harshwhinny goes into her purse for a minute)
  244. Norman: (Whispering and mouthing to Brad) Help Me! (Laughter)
  245. (Brad nods and sits down with Rarity)
  246. Rarity: Norman, are you alright...?
  247. Brad: Fine...just fine...bit of a line in the bathroom, thats all...
  248. Rarity: Well, I guess we can pay and get going then...(She reaches for her purse)
  249. Brad: (Thinking Quickly) No no, m’lady. Allow me to cover this. (Pulls out his wallet)
  250. Rarity: (Smiling) Such a gentleman. Well then I guess I will freshen up before the movie.
  251. Brad: Of course...(Rarity leaves for the bathroom).
  253. (Brad starts looking around for a distraction of some kind. Meanwhile with Norman)
  254. Harshwhinny: Come on Norman, the sooner you finish your wine, the sooner we can do...something else. (she bats her eyelashes again.)
  255. Norman:...yeah....yeah sure thing (He starts to raise the glass to his lips....(all of the sudden, the glass breaks in his hand spilling the wine. Norman looks down to see a keychain with his apartments key on it and looks up to see Brad waving at him. He sees no Rarity and gets up) Oh my...I’ll go get a waiter to clean that up. Be right back.
  256. Harshwhinny: Take your time. (As Brad leaves she puts something in her own wine glass and puts it in Norman’s place)
  257. (Brad and Norman walk toward each other and tagout, Norman giving Brad his key back)
  258. Norman: Thanks man.
  259. Brad: No problem.
  260. (Brad sits back down with Harshwhinny, downs his wine in one quick gulp and holds out his hand) Shall we.
  261. Harshwhinny: (Giggling) We certainly shall. (They leave just as Rarity returns from the restroom.)
  262. Rarity: Ready for the movie.
  263. Norman: Absolutely!
  264. (The two leave hand in hand and turn left out of the exit toward the theater. The camera pans right of the door to the parking lot where Brad is doubled over a bit)
  265. Brad: Oh my....that meal didn’t agree with me.
  266. Harshwhinny: Well, we’d better get you back to your place then. (She giggles a bit...kind of threateningly)
  267. (End Of Episode)
  269. (Scene during the credits much like Seinfeld would have)
  270. (Norman and Rarity are at her door later that night)
  271. Rarity: Thank for tonight Norman. I had a great time.
  272. Norman: It was my did I. Um....would it be alright if we did this again some time?
  273. Rarity: I’d like that...(she leans in and kisses him on the cheek) (Audience: wooooooo!) Goodnight Norman.
  274. Norman: (Dreamily): Goodnight Aryan Beauty. (Laughter)
  275. Rarity: What?
  276. Norman: (Snaps out of it) Good Night Rarity!
  277. (Cut to inside of apartment, it is dark. Norman comes running in excited and sees Brad on the Couch)
  278. Norman: She said we can go out again! Yes! Good night Brad! (Runs to his room)
  279. (The Camera pans to Brad still dressed as Norman: he is shaking and looks disheveled. He looks like a man who has had the life screwed out of him)
  280. Brad: Mommy! (Freeze frame and laughter to close the show)
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