Ghost Candy

New from Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Incorporated, for immediate release!
Your favorite animated features, playing at drive-in screens and picture houses in over twenty-three states across the nation!
Voted the most beloved cartoon character of all time by the Official Kitten Kaboodle Fan Club!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, heeeeeeeere's CANDY the CAT!



The sun's shining in the sky, the chicks are chirping from the chimneys, and the buttercups are in brilliant bloom! Yes sir, spring has finally sprung in Candy the Cat's hometown of Lollipop Hills, and today this little cat has big plans! Let's observe as this fine feline fella prepares to prowl on over to his beau Miss Cindy's house to give her a special birthday surprise!

"I sure can't wait to surprise ol' Cindy," says Candy as he begins to gather up all of the swell treats he has in store for Cindy's big party! "I hope she'll love these presents!"

And indeed, what wonderful presents they are! A lovely bouquet of flowers! A package of his very best favorite lemon drops, all wrapped up a ruby red ribbon -- Cindy's favorite color! And of course, what celebration between star-struck lovers would be complete without a heartfelt song? Candy knows how much his favorite kitty loves a good ditty, so he's got his trusty guitar tuned and ready to play!

"Uh-oh! It's already almost noon -- I'd better hurry if I don't want to miss the party!"

With his gifts in one hand and guitar in the other, Candy's out the door as quick as his legs will carry him! Good plan, Candy! Best not to keep the lady waiting, you know how feisty she can get when she's angry!

Unbeknownst to our hero as he hustles down Meow Street towards Cindy's house, he's being peeped on by a pair of ne'er-do-wells -- that low-down, no-good Chester the Chimpanzee, and the bewitching magician, Miss Netty -- better known by her stage name of 'M'!

"There goes the ol' tomcat himself," Chester furiously fumes from the front porch of his lean-to! "Whaddya s'pose he's got him in that there git-fiddle case, M?"

Looking up from practicing her newest magic trick, Netty gives the lump of a chimp a frown. "Why, I'd suppose it to be a guitar, dearest Chester," she returns, her sickeningly-sweet voice dripping with condescension.

Ripping the peel from his banana, the brute of a chimpanzee ponders the situation. "Yeah, well, I say he's up ta no good. Prob'ly packin' a rod an' thinkin' about raisin' some ruckus."

Our Candy? Sweet, lovable, dependable Candy? Honest, hard-working Candy? How can you tarnish his good name and reputation like that, Chester? Surely you jest!

"Ooooh, Candy resorting to violence to solve a dilemma?" Netty wisely titters, her omnipresent smile shifting to a sneer. "Perish the thought, Chester; he's nothing at all like you."

Cogs turn and pistons churn inside the mental midget's monkey mind before realization sets in, causing steam to erupt in plumes from both of his nostrils!

"You harlot, I think y'just done insulted me!" he declares, angrily beating his chest with both fists.

"You? Thinking?" the kitten magician drags, shuffling her stack of cards with deft, expert fingers. "I KNEW I smelled wood burning."

If the dim-witted primate wasn't infuriated before, he certainly is now! "Oh, I'M the idiot? An' what of yer two-bit con shows?! Y'suckered anyone outta their hard-earned bread yet today?"

Sending her cards fluttering with an angry slip of her deft, expert fingers, M whirls to defend her sullied honor!

"That's absolutely unfair! Being a magician is one of the most rewarding jobs there is! I bring smiles to the faces of children everywhere!" the crafty charmer replies, producing a magic wand from her bag of tricks.

"Th' only smile you're bringin' is that one what's always plastered all over yer ugly mug!" Chester cruelly returns. "What'sa matter with you anyhow, don'tcha know how t'frown like a normal person?"

Pressing a gloved paw to her cheek in horror, Netty reels as if she's just been struck!

"I told you, I have a CONDITION!" she shrieks before walloping the snarky simian with her magic wand! "Now I'm going to make YOU disappear, you, you -- cad! You wretch!"

"Ow! Stop hittin' me with -- yikes! Yow! I take it back! Uncle!" Chester wails as M gives him a heaping dose of his just desserts, one bonk at a time! Unfortunately for him, there appears to be some leftover juju in that magic wand of Netty's, and with a "ka-foof" Chester disappears in a puff of a smoke!

"Hmm! Well, good riddance, you brute," Netty huffs, brushing some of her hair aside.

But enough of the unhappy couple, let's catch up with our hero and the fella we all came to see!

"I'm runnin' late! Oh, what a pickle to be in," Candy groans, tapping his foot impatiently as he waits for kindly old Mr. Penguin and his family to waddle their way across the street! "And not like the kind of crisp, juicy pickle on a hamburger, either!"

Candy's not foolin', folks! After you've left the theater, why don't you try one of our mouth-watering, all-American hamburgers at any of our sixteen Candy's Burgers and Fries diners! We make 'em hot and fresh, "just the way you like 'em". But burgers will have to wait, because right now, we've got a birthday party to get to! And wouldn't you know it, here comes Candy's unlucky-in-lover, the star-crossed scarecrow known only as Blank! A shabby little scarecrow she is, too -- plain of face, but pure of heart!

"H-hi, Candy," Blank excitedly stammers. Unbeknownst to Candy, Blank's spent the last three blocks surreptitiously trailing him! The poor wreck's only just now managed to work up the nerve to approach Candy! "Say, um, what'cha got in those packages?"

"Hmm? Oh, hi again! These are for a very special lady's very special day," Candy answers with a nervous smile as he eyeballs his watch. Tick-tock, Candy Cat! You mustn't be late for your important date!

"R-really?" Blank asks, hearts in her eyes. "Wh-who m-might that special lady be?"

The last of the Penguin clan finishes their migration, and now this kit's got to split! "Oops! No time to chit-chat," Candy hollers as he takes off across the street with his presents, guitar case thumping with a BWANG and a TWANG all the way. "Gotta keep it movin'! CAT'cha later, mister!"

"Um, okay, uh... bye, I guess?" Blank uselessly mumbles as Candy roars past, his feet in a whirl. Poor, poor little Blank! Sorry, sweetheart, but it seems Candy's only got eyes for Cindy!

Arriving at the end of Meow Street, Candy breaks out into a wide grin as he rounds the corner onto Sugarcane Lane.

"I'm in the home stretch now!" he jubilantly declares. "Hang on, Cindy, I'm comin'!" Indeed, that familiar little brick house with the red-and-white striped picket fence waits just over the hill. Pausing for only a moment to catch his breath, Candy checks his load to make certain he didn't drop anything.

"Flowers, check. Guitar? Check. Candy?" With a wink to the audience, our hero giggles to himself. "Double check! Right then, it's time for a big ol' birthday bash!"

And a big ol' birthday bash Candy's about to get -- as he moseys up to Cindy's front door, Chester reappears overhead with a "ker-floof"! Gravity kicks in and chimp meets cat in an explosive KER-RRAAASHH right as the birthday girl steps out onto her front porch!

"Goodness, what's all this commotion?!" Cindy asks, rushing out onto the stoop as Chester unsuccessfully attempts to untangle himself from Candy's guitar case.

"Huh. Looks like it WERE jes' a git-fiddle after all," Chester woozily mumbles between a mouthful of frets and strings.

Wringing the hem of her skirt, Cindy kneels down behind Candy's side. "Big C! Are you alright? Oh, SPEAK to me!" she wails.

Rubbing his head, Candy forces his eyes to uncross before answering her.

"ERR_Movement StageAnim_Candy fatal exception: please clear obstruction and reattempt operation."

Cindy nods, reaching down to help him up. "You poor dear! Oh, Chester -- you're such a horrible friend, always causing problems for us! Candy, why don't we get you inside and -- ooh, were those presents for me?"

"ERR_Movement StageAnim_Candy fatal exception: please clear obstruction and reattempt operation," Candy agrees as he writhes on the floor, sparks erupting from his broken jaw.

"You remembered your best girl's birthday after all, didn't you!" Cindy beams, dragging him inside her house. "I knew you wouldn't forget! You really are a sweetheart, Candy Cat."

"ERR_Movement StageAnim_Candy fatal exception: please clear obstruction and reattempt operation."

"Hahaha! Oh, you said it, Big C!"



"Hello? How'd you get this number?"

"Sorry," I pant, shifting the handset around in my shaky grip as I leer out the right side door. "Is this, um -- Teddy Fuzzbear's?"

"Freddy Fazbear's," the voice on the other end corrects with a frustrated sigh. "Night watch speaking. And before you ask, no, our refrigerators are NOT running and no, we don't have Prince Albert inside of a can."

"Yeah, no, this isn't a prank call." I take a moment to catch my breath before continuing. "Hey, listen, you guys have -- you have the animatrons there too, right?"

"Animatronics. And yes, we have them," the night watchman answers. "Not for much longer, though. Why?"

I'm sure there's probably something in my contract that says I'm not supposed to share information with employees of rival companies, but at this point I don't care if I get fired. The meager pay isn't worth the misery I'm going through here. I'd rather be flipping burgers with the day shift if I'm going to be a wage slave in this hellhole.

"There are a couple of -- we've got some characters here, and they're behaving weird. They're acting out some kind of show in the dining hall, and one of them just jumped out of the ceiling and bodyslammed our main performer." I realize this sounds incredibly stupid even as I give voice to it, but if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes... "I'm not sure how to explain it. They're all piled up on top of each other and one of them's sparking. I don't mind getting canned, but I don't want to get sued for letting this shit happen on my watch."

There's a sound of heavy exhaling on the other line.

"So they're infighting?"

"Yeah," I answer. "I think. There's four of them -- we've got a monkey and he's wailing on Candy the Cat while the other cat, the girl one -- she's trying to drag him away. Candy, I mean. There's another thing and -- I'm not sure what he's supposed to be. Like a snowman I guess. He -- or she, or whatever -- it's crying in the corner right now."

"Crying," he says, clearly dubious.

I'm keeping an eye on the security computer, making sure no other surprises are waiting for me. "I think this is some kind of routine of theirs, but I've never seen them do a show before. Usually they just walk around and stare at everything."

"While trying to break into your office, right?" What the hell? How did he know that?

"Wh-- haha, no, of course not," I stammer nervously, running a hand through my hair. "What makes you think--"

"Cut the shit, lady," the Fazbear's night watchman answers with a tired chuckle. "Look, I've got nothing better going on over here anyway. Corporate sent me down here to do some last-minute maintenance before we pack it up tomorrow, so I'm just killing time until my next gig. You guys are over off of Sugarcane and Main, right?"

"Um, th-that's right," I nod before realizing he can't actually see me.

"Hell, I could use a laugh. I'll be over in about twenty to take care of your robot problem. What's your name, sweetheart?"

"Mary," I respond. "Mary Schmidt. Don't you have a, uh, -- not that I'm not grateful, but shouldn't you be at your, um, job, mister...?"

There's a lull; he breathes in deeply again.

"Smith. Fritz Smith. And no, we're already under investigation this week. What are they gonna do, give me a pink slip?" he laughs.

I glance at the newspaper on the desk, skimming the front page article's headline. Kids Vanish at Local Pizzeria - Bodies Not Found.

"Anyway, I've done enough damage here for one week. I'll see you soon, Mary Schmidt," Smith oozes before hanging up.


Suddenly I find myself wondering if I shouldn't have just taken my chances with the cat.