The Smile of the Horse-Man

>be me, bonky
>a cold war has settled over our lovely home
>well technically it's pickle horse-man's lovely home
>but just because one claims ownership based on law and commerce
>does not change one's responsibility to their fellow man
>or horse
>or horse-woman
>or in this case
>horse-woman-vampire
>and pickle horse-man has gone and done a cruel little prank
>he has started wearing chiclets where his incisors would be
>and doing the dracula voice to ashley
>tasteless and reprehensible behavior
>and i should have put a stop to it
>but it happened by such subtle degrees
>see, he started by buying a LOT of chiclets
>no doubt you've noticed that he couldn't be wearing standard chiclets
>because of his horse teeth
>so that's right
>pickle horse-man spent the time making his own mega chiclets to wear over his horse teeth
>the dastardly cretin
>first he tried melting a bunch down into a mould
>but a bunch of smaller chiclets melted down don't result in a larger chiclet
>they just become a mess
>so he went online to research the enamel of chiclets
>but it went too far into the culinary world
>which he despises
>so he briefly surveyed plastics, glosses, and epoxy
>then lacquered enamels
>and he knew he wanted his fake teeth to be food-safe
>so he went with a shellac coating on a white
>since they use shellac to coat candies anyways
>and apples
>so he made some molds of his teeth
>and poured in the epoxy
>then shellacked the final product
>and he was so excited to insult ashley's vampirism
>that when he rounded the corner
>shouting DURR DURR DURR with these big, ridiculous homemade chiclets in his mouth
>that he slipped and fell
>and landed directly on his face
>snapping his teeth down shut on his tongue
>and the chiclet-covered teeth shot clear out of his head in either direction with a big jet of blood
>and he started crying
>and we took him to the hospital
>which made him cry EVEN MORE
>because he refuses to go to the hospital for anything but the gravest of emergencies
>and we know the hospital is no substitute for the dentist, which is what he really needed
>we just took him there because we know he hates it
>so the hospital diagnoses him with mental retardation
>which is surprising
>because i'm pretty sure that term had fallen out of favor among health professionals
>and it seems a bit late to diagnose a fully grown horse-man with something that ought to have been caught in any of the early stages of life
>but i suppose now that his teeth are knocked out and what with all his swollen tongue and labored crying it's just more evident to all of us
>so we all get home
>and ashley has blacked out her vampire teeth
>and she's flapping her arms wildly
>and going DURR DURR DURR I'M PICKLE HORSE-MAN
>and we all have a laugh
>except pickle horse-man