a guest Mar 13th, 2018 52 Never
- -It's getting colder down here and I have absolutely NO TOLERANCE for cold. And I don't even mean snowy or frosty cold, because it never snows down here, this is like, 50-60 degrees Fahrenheit slight nip in the air chill, which is t-shirt weather for some of you people. For a Floridian? Holy fuck lock all the doors and windows get the Snuggie and the electric blanket THE END IS EXTREMELY FUCKING NIGH.
- -As a Homestuck fan, the latest Act is boring me to tears. We have about 20 different cliffhangers at once just from the Act 5 finale alone, and we're derping around like it's Act 1 again. For chrissake's, Hussie, you're killing me here. I honestly want to drop it again until there's an actual plot development.
- -Also slightly related to Homestuck, I have a Pesterchum handle and I hang out in the memo for 4chan's /co/mics and cartoons board. Between worrying about half the members either being homeless or between religions or jobs or citizenship nationalities, I've had a falling out with at least 2 members, for being assholes to the other members, and there was one on last night who was an emotional wreck AND an asshole. Beating a swamp monster in the face, repeatedly, with a mace, as a HeXen Cleric did not honestly alleviate my irritation.
- -My neighbors. Just...my drunken neighbors in the woods and their gun range compound. I should convince the pyromaniacs next door to go burn it down.
- -I found my one true home on the City of Heroes Virtue server, found a bunch of roleplayers, it was like heaven itself. Then I accidentally wrote out an...incriminating message that was supposed to be private and it was broadcast serverwide on the Help channel. I've...self-exiled myself as a result.
- -I know Dr. Steel, the musician/mad scientist personality, retired a few months ago, but I only found out about it recently, and to find out he was planning a new album (Toymonger) right before doing so really feels like a kick when I'm down. I liked the guy a lot, took a lot of his ideals to heart and totally thought the Toy Soldiers was a pretty cool group (granted, all internet-based groups seem like a good idea at the time, Project Chanology, etc., but hey, you gotta respect the beliefs). It just...it upsets me that this guy, of all people, is no longer going to be there when the world is so messed up right now. Hell, this is the perfect situation for him and the Utopian Playland ideal.
- -The world is a very fucked-up and scary place right now. Europe's a mess (Italy and Greece, I'm looking at you), the Middle East is a mess, this country is a mess (it's like the French fucking Revolution up in here). Sometimes, it makes me wonder, if I'm going to live to see some massive apocalyptic world meltdown, whether literal, economical, whatever, take place. And it terrifies me.
- -I've got complete artistic/writer's self-doubt. I have all these ideas I want to do, fanstories, fancomics, original stories, original comics, art, and I sit and I just stare at the blank WordPad and the blank paper and think "my work is shit. Someone, somewhere, has already thought of it, and done it better. Why am I even trying?" and it is almost impossible to overcome. Even here, at the Nuzlockes, I look at all the good ones, the great stories, the great comics, and I wonder why I should even try when I have all the coloring skills of a deviantartlet weeaboo and Chris-chan's writing ability. Sburb Hill, the Silent Hill fanventure I wanna do? Backburner'd. Darkhorse Ensemble, the Left 4 Dead fancomic I want to do? Backburner'd. The Dr. Steel/Dr. Horrible secret fan conspiracy that he's stepped down in order to let his son, Horrible, take up the mantle? Backburner'd. Everything, backburner'd. And I honestly want to draw and improve and write and improve and make nice things for my friends like one of my memo friends does, it hurts. It hurts so bad, especially when I want to do things based on deadlines and I feel like I'll be letting everyone down if I don't make that deadline.
- -We can barely afford to tend to our animals. The horses run out of food every other day and we can't even sell them to try and alleviate some of that stress. The cats are riddled with fleas and so am I. Someone told me I was a horrible person for not sending them someplace better, but when your local shelters are putting down all new intakes and horse abandonment rates are on the rise, what can I do?
- -Apparently everyone I know is on some form of drug. I cannot STAND addicts and their drug problems, I just can't, fuck you and your weed, fuck you and your pills, fuck you and your everything, you are a contributing factor to the stupidity of this nation and I HATE YOU for it. The emotional wreck guy is on opiates. My best friend is STILL on the weed and still thinks I need some. SHE'S wearing on my nerves with her constant pot smoking and apathetic attitude. My poor mother is popping anti-anxiety pills like there's no tomorrow because my grandmother is still being a controlling, hoarding, bitch, and she's nagging me about money, school, my diet, everything, even though I HAVE A GODDAMN PLAN FOR IT NOW.
- -I'm in therapy, and we're discussing about how I'm taking steps to become more independent and take care of myself (you know, be an Aspie and NOT go the Chris-chan government mooch route), and I have a job training interview on Tuesday and I am all kinds of terrified. Terrified by all the prospects, of having a job and likely not doing a good enough job, of not being able to earn enough money, of not being able to get into college by summer and support myself while AT college...hell, just the idea that I might fail at college, a fullsize University is much different than a little community college. Combined with my grandmother's threats to cut off my college fund and pay for it myself, it's all very stressful, and I've gotten off of a regular/normal sleeping pattern again and seem to drift between states of insomnia and exhaustion.
- -Said stress is also making me sick again. I'm honestly afraid to eat food now, because I'm sure it'll induce a gallbladder attack or something gastrointestinal like constipation. I had a discussion the other day with someone who told me I'd have to get my gallbladder removed, and it horrifies me to know that I'm less worried about health complications and more worried about how much it would cost.
- -In fact, I'm so worried about money that I honestly don't want to be home for Christmas. It used to be my favorite holiday just because of how wonderful it could be with all the giving and the magic and togetherness, now, all I can wonder is if I should find some place to go so I'm not burdening my parents.
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