The Curse of a NEET Mummy (Basement Bumblebee but Spooky)

>Raptors with painted scales stood frozen under dimmed spotlights built into a neat square of jungle
>Wax figures of early man interacting with other bipedal tribes of wolves and aurochs flanked your side
>And the recent addition of egyptian artifacts heavy with carvings of crocodiles, scarabs, and hippos was half-lit in a dull reflective glint of yellow
>As interesting as it was, the novelty of your patrols had worn down considerably when you saw the same “Hallway of History” displays every time
>Especially when the “future” portion was badly outdated even in the 80’s
>Instead you were mulling over a new issue management was pressing at every opportunity
>With the recent uptick in traffic for the museum, petty theft was up too
>Not even some elaborate diamond heist
>Instead someone had apparently cleaned out a large section of a vending machine
>Normally you avoided the overpriced salty snacks and carbonated corn syrup, but you’d been paying extra attention to the old machines lately
>As best as you could figure no one could shake that much out of a machine in the middle of the day
>But even if someone snuck in late at night, there wasn’t any proof of them entering or leaving
>A real mystery, as petty as it was
>They really didn’t pay you enough to give it more thought than that
>But there wasn’t anything better to think about
>Reading some of the plaques for the hundredth time to glean any new fun facts, you flinched when you heard something out of place
>Like distant groaning?
>Probably just the building, old pipes or something
>That didn’t stop you from looking warily at the mannequins staring vaguely in your direction
>Maybe it was time to walk through a different part of the museum
>A few steps into picking up the pace, an ominous rumble echoed out from behind you with a foreboding rattle
>It was only supposed to be you patrolling the place tonight
>And that definitely sounded like someone was moving around
>Reflexively you circled around with your flashlight, even if things were decently lit after hours
>”Who’s there?”
>A moment of silence
>And then a disinterested voice heavily muffled spoke up, little more than a tinge of strain in their voice
>”Ugh, nobody here.”
>Nobody your ass
>The voice seemed to be coming from around the newest display
>Stepping closer you failed to find anyone hiding just out of sight
>”What are you doing in here?”
>Another distressed moan sounded out nearby, like an eerie ghost floating behind a wall
>Immediately that sound was cut-off by a violently fluctuating thudding, like something heavy shaking against the floor
>”Oof, that was a Sahara scorcher. Not much, what about you?”
>The voice was a bit hoarse and dry, but decidedly feminine
>”You know nobodys supposed to be in here at this hour, right?”
>The same haunting individual paused before responding, letting you take in the muted sound of heavy boiling liquids like if the magma in the dino exhibit volcano was real
>”Cope, I’m living rent-free right here.”
>Not exactly the response you were expecting
>However you did manage to narrow down your search, to an unusually tumultuous sounding tomb that appeared to sporadically vibrate like a phone on mute
>The ornate sarcophagus emblazoned with the image of tall and slender insectoid royalty laid horizontally on a pedestal
>With one of the wires meant for the lights dragged inside?
>”M’am, are you really hiding in one of the exhibits? Like scooby-doo?”
>Her retort was just as snarky
>”It’s more like a mobile home, so get off my property. Trust me I’ve got one hell of a curse brewing right now.”
>That unsettling simmering noise intensified, followed by what was clearly someone twisting a lid off a bottle of soda
>”Are you implying you’re the mummy?”
>”Yeah, and I got a good thing going. None of the other places people lugged me off to had free future food like this.”
>It was enough nonsense to make you lay an arm on the sarcophagus and rest the other palm on your face
>”Are you really gonna go with this s-”
>You were interrupted by an upsettingly bombastic trombone note played in two parts, the first loud and droning on a single note before falling into a chaotic bubbly chainsaw
>”Wow, I think they missed some important organs when they mummified me. Feels like it just made more room for the last thousand years of ‘curses’ backed up in here.”
>That was enough talk of curses, you didn’t have the patience for this
>”I’m giving you until three to come out yourself, then I’m opening it.”
>Holding onto the container like that, you could feel something inside brace itself against the walls
>”Your funeral. You ever heard of all those explorers that opened ancient tombs and died? You’re gonna wish it was that.”
>Although she followed that with an excruciating groan, it didn’t feel like she was straining to hold the lid close
>Waiting for a few seconds to go by, you swung the lid open
>The first thing to register was a bright light, the wire you noticed earlier was hooked up to a small CRT and some kind of game console surrounded by a cocoon of empty chip bags and bottles
>The second being that the woman on the lid was false advertising, inside a short stocky scarab the color of unpolished brass laid on her back with both sets of arms wrapped around her midsection, abdomen twitching tilted towards the sky
>The third thing to hit you immediately overpowered your senses to register anything else, like a sucker punch of desert wind rising like an invisible plume
>Hot dry air thick with an eye watering density of spicy artificial cheese made your eyes water and choked any words that might’ve tried to leave your throat
>Whatever kind of curse it was, you were totally debilitated as another far more audible groan left her mandibles
>And a much fresher torrent of hellish beetle fumes left her bloated abdomen with a spasm
>She passed gas with an ungodly meaty ferocity you’d never heard before, cutting cheese evidently as ancient as she was with a sickening noise that couldn’t come from the living
>”Aaaah, I seriously can’t stop after trying these weird little offerings out. Better than the stuff in pottery I was buried with.”
>Her face was obscured by bandages unlike most of her body, antennas peeking out between the layers wilted in satisfaction after belting out another dreaded curse
>You coughed loudly, trying to clear your throat of a biological hex
>”Eugh, that’s just, that’s rancid! I’m calling management or the police or whoever ASAP.”
>She laughed, sounding almost rehearsed
>”I’ve been through this whole routine before. They show up and I just play dead. You think they’ll believe you?”
>In disbelief you backed away from the source of the poorly aged fog, fanning your face all the while
>”So what? You just come alive and steal food from the vending machine?”
>With her stomach settled for now she sat up to resume unpausing her game
>”Did you expect me to get revenge on the living or enact a millennia old scheme? When I died I quit working, and I’m sure as hell not going to put on a show for living wagies now.”
>Focus returning to the TV, she added on more enthusiastically
>”Plus future people have much better entertainment. I still need to figure out the wifi here.”
>Taking off your security hat to better fan your face, you needed a moment to think about this
>Adding to the surreal nature of all this you recognized what was on her screen
>”...is that Timesplitters?”
>She responded so matter-of-factly there was no need to look away from the game
>”Yeah?”
>Her gaze wandered to see you still staring at the game, and for a moment her demeanor softened
>”I uh, got a spare controller hidden somewhere here…”
>You shook your head, this wasn’t the time to play games
>Pinching the bridge of your nose, you sighed deeply as she let out an obscenely long airy sputter into the tainted air while shuffling around secret compartments full of stained game manuals in different languages
>”I-, nevermind that. I’m… I’m going to finish my route and when I get back I’ll have a better idea what to even do about this.”
>Waving behind her she taunted
>”Yeah, I would’ve beat your ass anyway.”
>Defensively you called back despite walking away
>”Oh yeah? Maybe I’ll teach you a lesson when that curse clears up.”
>As much as all of that was to take in, there was less dread about the potential for the living dead and instead a relief from the boredom of walking circles at night
>It was also just as likely some kind of horrific gas leak was bringing on a hallucinatory psychotic break during an isolated 8 hour shift
>Either way you hardly heard her mutter a response as you continued to pursue fresh air on your walk
>”Psh, neithers gonna happen anytime soon.”