Fan/k/asia: become tank (updated 26/7/19)

>I knew I was dying.
>The konvergence had brought a tribe of goblins down in my front fucking yard, and they’d done a number on me.
>I stumbled to my best bet of surviving, or at least taking as many of those filthy pig-men with me. My Panzer 38(t), my pride and joy.
>I weakly climbed up the front and tumble into the turret. I slammed a round into the breech and aimed the gun at the door.
>I took a deep breath and begun to sing my favorite song, a final defiant prayer to the kube.
In storm or in snow
In the sun’s blazing light
In the heat of the day
Or the ice cold of night
Our faces are cover with the dust
To fight is what we lust!
Yes, what we lust!
Our tanks in the battle, through storm winds we thrust
>The gobbos broke down the door to the garage, only to be met with a round to the point man’s face.
>The others recoiled as I opened up with the coaxial MG. I sang and shot and reloaded and shot. The goblins’ leather armour didn’t do shit against the hail of lead.
>After a few minutes, The MG ran dry. Only a few orcs remained but a few more shells caused them to turn tail and retreat.
> I slowly sank to the hull floor, reaching the final stanza of my final performance of Panzerlied.
And if we’re abandoned,
by our fortune so vain
never to return to our homeland again
the hand of death will find us brave,
our fullest measure gave
yes, fullest gave
our Panzer, in glory, will be our iron grave!
>I coughed up a wad of blood, despite the pain, a shit eating grin stretched across my face. There’s nowhere I’d rather die than my great panzer. With the song still ringing around the tank’s interior, I closed my eyes.

>The doors to the garage swung open. I was confused, how long has it been since I… died?
>A woman dressed in raggedy milsurp entered the shed cautiously. I tried to say something, but I couldn’t move my mouth. I tried to move, but for some reason the turret slewed to the left slightly.
>This caught the attention of the woman, who unslung a M1897 shotgun and approached the tank. she regarded the tank briefly.
“aren’t you a pretty one” she said as she climbed up the front glacis.
>She swung open the commander’s hatch and looked down into the tank. instead of recoiling at my broken body, she ignored it. Or rather, my body wasn’t there. Just gone, the shell casings were still there, but no corpse.
>What the hell happened to me? And why can I feel the woman’s boots? She climbed down through the commander’s hatch and looked around.
“perfect condition on the inside too, whose tank is this?”
‘it’s my fucking tank, who are you?’ I wanted to say.
>She finds the tank’s keys that I had skilfully hidden in the ignition. She turn the keys and the engine starts. I suddenly felt lighter, like I had just drank a gallon of coffee.
“whoa” she exclaims
“don’t you whoa me, you little shit, O-U-T”
>She actually responds this time , turning in the drivers seat and looking back at where (I think) I am.
>She drives the tank out of the garage.
>The outside world was well, fucked, plants had grown over my wrecked house, and the neighbours and everyone else’s’ houses too. how long was I out? She turns down the busted road and accelerates.
>She starts fiddling with the radios, and puts a headset on. meanwhile I think about my current predicament.
“maybe” I said aloud “I AM the tank”
>The woman jumped in her seat.
“who are you! what’s this about being a tank”
>Have I been screaming through the radio this entire time?
“it’s about time! Where do you think you’re taking me?”
“T-to the elvish village”
“ELVES” I screamed, making her flinch from the earrape.
>Years of anti-elf shitposting on Mongolian basket weaving forums crackled through my armour plates like electricity. I shifted point of view to in the hull machine gunner’s seat.
>Now I can get a better look at her face. I take a second to recover from the trippy shift then continue my interrogation.
“Why are you going to the village?” I asked in my best glow-in-the-dark agent voice.
“B-because that’s where I live”
“if you live there, why aren’t you an elf?”
“I am an elf!” she shouts
Maybe not having the knife-ears a birth defect or something. Whatever.
“what does an elf want with a tank?”
“I just like these sorts of things.”
>I shrug, or at least try to, shrugging apparently translates to “Slam the motherfucking gun to max elevation”
>scaredelfnoises.mp3
>For the remainder of the trip I accustomed myself to my new body, using the turret, brakes and the boombox I’d installed.
>I looked forward to unleashing 200 decibels of autism upon my enemies
>after about two hours of driving we finally reach elftown.
>no it was not called elftown.
>It was elfville
>we get welcomed by a bunch of Stacy-looking elves. Seriously, like every incel’s wet dream got knife ears.
>immediately suspicious because they were dressed in those dresses they make out of leaves and shit. They look like the “in touch with nature, hate machines” type
“oh hey Eris, it looks like you found another useless human contraption”
>Eris pokes her head through the driver’s hatch
“Go away ,I don’t have time for this, Arella”
“we’ve had enough of you bringing those filthy machines-”
>at that point I had seen enough.
“WHO’RE YOU CALLING FILTHY, KNIFE EAR?”
>the hippie elves visibly jumped back at the sound of my boombox’s stronk audio.
“What in the seven spirits!”
>I rev my engine for maximum intimidation
“OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE I USE YOU AS SPEED BUMPS”
>the elves shrink away into the foliage muttering something about evil machines.
>we drive on into the village, past some scared knife ears, and into a run-down workshop.
>Eris climbed out of the driver’s seat and closed the doors.
>I panned my periscope around the room, observing the collection of human weapons on the walls, all in sparkling condition
>AKs, ARs, some glocknades, and an MP41
“So, how did you end up in that tank?”
>I swiveled the periscope back to face her and adjusted my speakers to normal levels.
“it all started when I hit a goblin with my lawnmower…”
>I told her my story, and she told me hers.
>she was a half-elf, hence the lack of pointy ears, and thanks to her dad, she had an interest in human weapons. One day, her parents went on a quest for the adventurer’s guild and never came back.
>Now She goes around the old human neighbourhood, collecting weapons and waiting for an adventurer to pass through so she can join them and go looking for her parents.
“well, I think it’s your lucky day” I said
“I’m not sure you’re an adventurer”
“I’m even better than an adventurer! I can’t be poisoned or cut, I have a bigger gun than any normal person can hold, and I’m fast”
>she thought for a second
>shityouright.jpg
>she ran around the garage, gathering up her weapons and milsurp.
>packing up her stuff took about three hours. Bags of guns, boxes and boxes of ammunition and various bits of milsurp.
“it’s not too much is it”
>n-no
>the guns take up most of the crew compartment, but it doesn’t seem to affect me in any way.
>I start my engine and awkwardly drive out of the garage.
>imagine having to lock up one leg and flap around with the other just to turn
>I notice the eyes of every single elf in the village on me
“they really don’t like me” I whispered through the radio
“they didn’t like you before you threatened to run over the Chief’s daughter” Eris replied
>I thought for a second about why someone would take offence to death threats.
>damn snowflakes
>the elves didn’t try to stop us leaving.
>We exited the village and as I was happily roaring through the woods, I felt something strike the side of my turret
>I put on the brakes, snapping Eris out of her daydream
“what’s going on?” Eris mumbled
>I scanned the trees with my periscope
“I’m not sure…” I replied
>another arrow flew out of the trees and struck one of the vision ports on the cupola
>fucking treeniggers
“its your knife-ear friends” I inform Eris, who closes her hatch before someone can shoot through it
“COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND YOU MIGHT LIVE” I boom into the woods
>another fucking arrow bounces off my armour
>I swing my turret around wildly, spraying with the coaxial
>I hear a scream of pain amid the gunfire
>I stop firing and peer closer in the underbrush as a group of elves stumble out of the trees
>to nobody’s surprise, it was the group of hippies that stopped us at the village.
“Now, what do you fucks want now?” I said, keeping my weapons trained on the group
>the lead bitch, the chief’s daughter apparently, sneered at me
“to put your mechanical, pollution spewing ass in the ground”
>I fire another shot above their heads and they promptly fuck off
>fucking antifa-tier fighters these shits are
>I sigh and continue down on the road as fast as I can
>they see me rollin, they hatin.

(NEW STUFF)

>I finally burst out of the woods, finally free of the shitty road and occasional arrow hail
>Eris unfurled a map and pointed me in the direction of the town she last heard her parents going to.
>the town was called Great Woods, after the forest that we’d escaped.
>most importantly, the town had a portal to “the new world” as it was called by the humans
>do I still count as human? Probably not
>Eris fanned herself, trying to alleviate the heat of a pre-aircon tank in the sun.
“are we there yet?”
“not yet” I answered
“wake me up when we get there” she yawned
>wut
>it’s like 1 in the afternoon.
>big day I guess?
>she climbs to her pile of guns, curls up in it, and passes out
>Kube bless

>I spotted the town as I reached the crest of a hill
>I woke up Eris and continued down to the town
>as we roll down the street, I notice a very inconspicuous vehicle taking up half the street, despite being parked at the very edge.
>it was painted a dark yellow with green and brown stripes.
>if anything, the camouflage made it more noticeable.
>as we rounded the side of the tank, we could both see the Balkenkruez painted on the side
“hey, you have that symbol on your side too!” Eris says excitedly
>that’s not a good thing Eris
>just what I needed, wehraboos
>well-off wehraboos too, if they can afford to upkeep a fucking Sturmtiger.
>a group of men burst out onto the street from a tavern, clearly in disagreement with another group still inside.
>they were dressed in classical fantasy attire, leather and steel armour. Not wehraboos
>a second group storms into the street, dressed in various uniforms from Nazi Germany.
>there they are
“You know what! we don’t need you, we’ll find our way to Neureich ourselves!”
>I try to escape, to reverse back down the street and out of sight.
>one of the wehraboos caught sight of me as I tried to hide behind the Sturmtiger
>I could see his eyes light up at the sight of the black cross on my turret.
“excuse me! Can I speak to you for a second?” he calls out to me
>shit
>Eris popped her head out of the hatch, oblivious to the possibility of autism contamination.
“hey there!” she called happily
>now you’ve done it
“Hello, Sister! I have a proposition for you!” called the wehraboo
“Sure, what do you need?” Eris asked
>JUST LET ME BREAK DOWN NOW.
“my Comrades and I are going to travelling through the new world, but our vehicle isn’t quite suited for all of the dangers we may face, we need someone who can deal with the smaller targets”
>DON’TYOUDOITKNIFEEAR
“Alright! We were going out there anyway”
>IHAVENOMOUTHBUTIMUSTSCREAM
“ah yes, how many of you are in your crew?”
>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“just me, but the tank is possessed or something”
>ISHOULDHAVERUNYOUOVERWHENIHADTHECHANCE.
“hello there” I said dejectedly
“what do you think of my offer?”
>caring about the tank’s opinion
>look at this guy
“I’m fine, but we have our own things that we have to do, so we might have to split up” I say, just in case Eris managed to forget her own parents
“that should be fine, we aren’t in a rush, we can even help you if you want”
>and so, the deal with the devil was struck.
>the wehraboo, who introduced himself as Kommandant Klank was the commander of Sturmtiger 13 “Sturmta”. He carried a riding crop under his arm and wore a SS panzer officer’s uniform.
>there was the second in command, Sergeant Schutz, whose uniform was of a regular Wehrmacht panzer soldier. He seemed the most laid back of the wehraboos, like a reenactor caught up amongst actual Nazis.
>a guy covered completely in Afrika Korps fatigues, dust goggles and a scarf who seemed only interested in his triple barrelled Luftwaffe combination gun was called Heinrich. He was the radio operator.
>lastly, Elise, a short girl dressed in white winter gear with a MG42 slung over her shoulder. She didn’t talk and allowed Klank to introduce her. her eyes stared at me from underneath her hood, seemingly sizing Eris and I up. Of all possible roles, she was the loader.
>of a Sturmtiger
>okay retard
>I’m pretty sure the shells are as big as her.
“anyway, we are ready to depart immediately, but you should stock up on ammunition and rations so we’ll leave in an hour”
>I nodded with my 37mm and thundered away down the road.
>I heard Schutz ask Klank if he could go get more beer with the extra time they have now.
“I run a tight ship on Sturmta 13, I won’t allow….” Klank began to rant.
>poor Schutz
>I’ll get a bottle or two for him.
>oh wait
>ihavenomoneyhahaha.papafranku
“that guy was nice” Eris said
“sure, do you have any money?”
“a little, it should be enough to reload all these main gun casings and get some food”
>the gun shop was staffed by and angry looking dwarf who only got angrier when I tried to enter the store.
“WOT THE FEK ARE YE DOIN YA CRAZY CUNT? GET THAT FECKIN THING OUT ME STORE”
>I quickly reversed and let Eris go into the store by herself.
>she came out half an hour later with a large box of reloaded 37mm and a loud “NOW FEK OFF” from the dwarf.
>she was practically on the verge of tears
>don’t bully the half-elf
>with the remaining money Eris bought some MREs
>she tried to get some beers for Schutz, denied because she looks too young.
>tfw when you’re 40 and look 17
>that’s relatable right?
>elves man
>on the way back to Sturmta I wondered what these wehraboos are going to do in the new world.
>maybe be mercenaries? Sturmta would be very good at taking down castles.
>we arrived back at Sturmta, where the wehraboos are ready to hit the road.
>Klank was waiting for us
“excellent!, now that… I don’t think I’ve heard your name yet” he started.
“oh, its Anon” I answer
“really?” Klank sighs
“what?”
“it’s just that I’ve met like fifteen guys called Anon after the Konvergence, like, where the hell did you all come from? I never heard of Anon even being a name before then! What is the solution to this Anon question?”
“well fine, what do you want to call me?”
>Klank thinks for a moment.
“Achtunddreißig! Because you’re a 38(t)!”
>real clever dude here.
>Inb4 ‘I was just pretending to be retarded!!1!’
“that’s too long, and I can’t pronounce that! Actiondrysieg?”
>Klank visibly cringes at my attempted German
“fine, fine, Anon it is. Let’s get moving!”
>he retreats into his tank, slamming the hatch behind him
>I follow the hulking machine through town to the town square.
>the portal shimmers like heat, but instead of a distorted view of whatever was behind it, I could see through to the other side.
>the Sturmtiger roars as it charges into the haze and disappears.
>well here we go.
>travelling through the portal felt whack.
>I saw many weird visions. One was of an angry Russian man beating a redneck to death with a bubba’d nugget. Another scene showed a gas mask clad man thrashing about and typing on his phone as his skin peeled away. a guy surrounded by ants and guns, the visions kept on coming until finally I was through.
>suddenly I felt light-headed.
>how I felt light-headed while not technically having a head was beyond me.
>Klank pops out from his hatch, this time clad in a rune-engraved gas mask
“Welcome to the New World, Anon!”

“make sure your crew stays inside, this part of the new world is rather unfriendly to us humans” Klank shouted, muffled by his mask.
>yeah, human
>sure
>it was already night in the new world, so the Wehraboos set up camp on the side of the road.
>Klank made sure their tents were perfect then went back into the sturmtiger to sleep.
>Eris went to sleep on her nest of guns.
>how is that comfortable?
>I tried to go to sleep, but whenever I closed my “eyes” I would just get a new perspective on some part of my inner workings.
>in the end, I didn’t get to sleep.
>I did get a good look at how my new body works though.
>of the Wehraboos, Elise was the first to wake up.
>She crawled out of her tent, stretched and looked around.
“Good morning” she said, looking at the sky.
>I was about to greet her, but then she began stripping off her gear until she was in her underwear.
>it seems I have stumbled upon a dangerous situation
>she was covered, from her neck to her wrists to her ankles a strange tattoo, the same symbol repeated over and over and over again.
>The tattoos seemed to glow slightly as she moved.
>she did what seemed to be a mix of praying and a yoga routine
>I’m trying not to make any noises, which is easier than usual because i don’t need to breathe.
>she finished her meditation rotine and retreated into her tent has the rest of the camp began to wake up.
At exactly 6 o’clock Klank burst out of Sturmta, blaring a trumpet.
“wake up, everyone, we have a lot of ground to cover today!”
>the stomach-having losers had breakfast, which consisted of Klank-approved mush that “should be fine until we get other food”
 >they could have got food yesterday, but nobody bothered pointing that out.
>Eris had a stack of MREs that were probably better than whatever the Wehraboos were eating.
>she found a rock or something to lean her MRE on to cook
>Eris, who was sitting on my transmission’s maintenance hatch
“how did you sleep last night anon?”
>without thinking, I said “I didn’t, it turns out I can’t sleep, so I kept watch for you all”
>as soon as the words left my radio, I realised my grave mistake.
>Elise’s eyes narrowed as she thought about what I said, then her face went bright red and she pulled her hood down over her head.
>o no
>the wehraboos finish their food and began to pack up their camp, all the while elise was glaring at me
>if looks could ammorack, I would be a fireball.
>Eris decided to take her Rock or something with us, because “it looks cool”
>upon closer inspection the rock does indeed look cool, so I allowed the extra weight.
>the wehraboos finish packing up and send Elise over to check if we are done.
>I’m sweating rivets as she strides over to me in the most threatening manner I have ever seen
>Diowalking.jpg
“Hey Anon! are you two ready?” she asked in a cutesy voice
>if I wasn’t scared before, I was now
“y-yeah we’re ready”
>she drew in close, grabbing a hold of a rivet with her fingertips.
“if you say anything, to anyone I will tear you apart, plate by plate”
>she withdrew her hand, revealing the rivet to have five finger-sized divots in it
>s-she didn’t do that right?
>she walked off back to Sturmta
>soon enough, we were back on the road, blitzing across the terrain at a rubber-burning 30km/h
>Sturmta stronk, but thicc