Coffee Klatch - Green Isn't Your Color [✓]

Jul 11th, 2018
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  1. >My office buzzer beeped just as I was finishing up the late afternoon tea.
  2. >I got up, cleverly spun the trilby onto my head, then peeked through the peephole. One could never be too careful in this line of work.
  3. >"Open up, Coffee," said the figure outside, fingering the buzzer again. "I know you're in there doing your stupid Sam Spade impression."
  4. >She had a striking pink hair with an angry teal streak running through it.
  5. >Great, I thought to myself. A damn heartthrob.
  6. >I unlocked the door and offered to take the damsel's coat. She wasn't wearing one, because it was really hot outside.
  7. "Coffee Klatch, Bureau of Investigations."
  8. >"I know that already."
  9. >I fell casually into my chair, but not hard enough to make it look stupid or anything. I kicked my feet up onto the desk, which had a lot of paperweights strewn about but no paper.
  10. "Care for a cigar?"
  11. >"No."
  12. >I lit one up myself and sucked on it thoughtfully. It was a fake movie prop with no nicotine in it, but the case and ashtry really tied the room together.
  13. >"Coffee, look," said the pink-haired damsel, frowning. "Ace has gone insane. He's been bragging up a storm about how he's been fucking me raw for the past week, and I need you to tell him to cut that shit out."
  14. >I looked at the pink-haired damsel. She was playing an angle here, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
  15. "But isn't it true that you're in a relationship with him?"
  16. >"No. NO!"
  17. >The pink-haired damsel pulled at her hair, her teeth clenched angrily. It was pushing all the right buttons for me.
  18. >"You dense idiot! Ace is boning Lemon Zest. LEMON ZEST! How do you chucklefucks both manage to mistake the two of us so consistently?"
  19. "It must be the green hair," I pointed out.
  20. >"Her whole hair is green, I have a greenish STREAK!"
  21. >I had to keep myself from dropping my fake cigar at this shocking revelation. She had a point. A very observant point. Perhaps.... *too* observant.
  22. >Something clicked in my head. Suddenly, everything made perfect sense.
  23. "I'll take the case, ma'am," I said, standing up hurriedly.
  24. >"The case--? No. Nononono, you're not doing this Maltese Falcon shit on me. I just want you to TELL Ace to stop--"
  25. "Please leave your name and contact info with my secretary--"
  26. >"You don't have a secretary!"
  27. "--and I'll ring you as soon as I'm able. Good day, m'lady."
  28. >And with that, I left my office in search of my partner.
  30. >Finding Ace Thruster proved to be difficult. I had to walk the whole way because my Oldsmobile was at the shop again.
  31. >While walking past the Sugarcube Corner, I had a strange gut feeling about the place.
  32. >Ace Thruster was not the one to crave sugary treats, but if he was to go out on a date with a pink-haired heartthrob like the one I met earlier...
  33. >I did an about-face and strut into the confectionary joint. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted the unmistakeably handsome BOI agent chatting up a girl.
  34. >She was either Lemon Chest or Sour Sweat, I wasn't sure what was what anymore.
  35. >Everyone was playing their own angle, and the only person I could trust was dating a fruity named girl whose hair color was up for debate. Things were getting very, very, very dangerous.
  37. >I glided over to the table they were sitting in, trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible by ignoring questioning looks from the wait staff.
  38. "Ace Thruster," I began as I sat next to him. The girl looked startled, but Ace and I kept our cool. That's why BOI is the coolest intelligence agency.
  39. >"Coffee Klatch," he replied, not even flinching an eyebrow. "Something urgent?"
  40. "It's about Lemon Sour," I began, lowering my voice to a conspiratorial hush. "A little birdie just told me that her hair is supposed to be pink."
  41. >"Sour Spot. Her name is Sour Spot," Ace corrected me.
  42. >"Uh, excuse me? I'm Lemon Zest," interrupted Ace's date.
  43. >Ace held up a hand, signaling Limon Chest to keep quiet. "And who told you this?"
  44. "An informant I met this afternoon. Very observant. A smokin' hot babe."
  45. >"Nice!"
  46. >Ace nodded approvingly. We bumped fists like total bros, and that's why BOI is the best intelligence agency.
  47. "And I believe," I said, pointing a finger squarely at Lenin Test. "You owe us an explanation."
  48. >She raised an eyebrow, then said, "excuse me?"
  49. "Your hair. A particularly observant informant -- TOO observant, I might add -- told me this afternoon that your hair was supposed to be pink."
  50. >"Whaaaaat?" Lemur Pest began to protest. "Wait, don't tell me you guys have me confused with Sour Sweet again."
  51. >"Wait a minute," said Ace, "you're not Sour Spot?"
  52. >"Nonono, I am Lemon Zest. You're confusing me with Sour Sweet, not Sour Spot."
  53. >I interrupted them both. This was insane.
  54. "Hey, what about the whole pink hair thing, then?"
  55. >"I dunno, go ask Sour Sweet."
  56. >"Coffee, I've got this," said Ace, squeezing my shoulder. "I'll stay and make interrogative love with Sour Spot here--"
  57. >"I'm Lemon Zest."
  58. >"--while you go after Sweet Sour."
  59. >"Sour Sweet."
  60. "Got it," I said, standing up. "And uhh, Ace? Don't work too hard, yeah?"
  61. >"I am always hard, bro."
  62. >Ace Thruster winked at me, no homo. The bromance we share is something special, and that's why BOI is the manliest intelligence agency.
  63. >I tipped my trilby appreciatively, then headed out.
  64. >I wanted to call the cab but I didn't have my cellphone with me, so I took the bus instead.
  66. >When I arrived at Sour Sweat's place, it was close to midnight.
  67. >It was highly ungentlemanly to barge into a damsel's place this late, but I had a case to solve, and I wasn't about to let niceties get in the way of my job.
  68. "Sour Sweat!" I shouted, banging on the door as hard as I could. "Sour Sweat, open up!"
  69. >"WHAAAAT?" she, swinging the door open. "And no, it's SOUR SWEET you fucking imbecile!"
  70. >Her face looked like an angry rhino, and my heart skipped a beat. Now that I had to stay strong to confront the pink-haired damsel, I was falling for her.
  71. "Sore Street," I said gently, cupping the wrathful damsel's dainty chin. "Why did you set me up like that?"
  72. >"Set you up? SET YOU UP?" She sputtered. "All I tried to do was to get you to tell Ace Thruster to--"
  73. "The girl! Lemon Chest!" I snapped, losing my patience. "Her hair was not pink at all! Why did you lie to me, babe?"
  74. >"Who said anything about Lemon's hair-- Oh my god..."
  75. >Southern Sweet pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration.
  76. >"Look, Lemon Zest texted me earlier about how Mr. Ass Cruster *finally* got her name right, and presumably won't be bragging about boning me anymore. So..."
  77. >I looked at her in the eyes. They were searingly beautiful.
  78. "So..."
  79. >"Your stupid 'case' or whatever is done, I don't need your help anymore, PLEASE go away."
  80. >She frowned in a way that made my head spin with endorphins. It was the ugliest frown I had seen in my life, and I wanted it desperately.
  81. >That's when I realized what she was doing.
  82. >She did all this to seduce me, to win my heart over. And now that her lies had been exposed and laid bare in front of me, she was bringing out the big guns.
  83. >I shook my head in disbelief.
  84. "Darling, I know what you're trying to do--"
  85. >"Did I just fucking stutter? I said LEAVE."
  86. "--But trust me, you can't seduce a BOI agent that easily. We have standards, and that's why BOI is the most professional intelligence agency in the world."
  87. >I grabbed Sour Sweet's hand, and kissed it gently before she could pull it away.
  88. "Farewell, my sweet. Our love was never meant to be."
  89. >"What in the hell..."
  90. >And with that, we parted ways forever. I knew I'd never see her again--
  91. >"I am going to kick your fucking balls when I see you at school tomorrow!"
  92. >--but what little love we had shared along the way, I'd remember forever.
  94. >The next day, I posted on MyStable about how Sour Sweat fell totally head over heels for me.
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